Slither: About Fuckin' Time!

Oh "Slither". It seems that forces were keeping us from meeting each other.

First when you were out in theaters I couldn't find anyone who wanted to see it with me, which is strange cause I think my friend Adam was still here in Indiana so I dunno what that was about.

Then when you finally get put on DVD, I rented you TWO different times but alas, stuff kept popping up and I never got around to it. I even tried to fit you in during "30 Days of Horror", but that didn't pan out either.

So FINALLY. On this long Memorial Day weekend, where I have nothing to do, I rent you one more time and by god I'm gonna watch you even if it kills me. Obviously it didn't cause I'm here typing.

Anyway, "Slither", as it turns out, is just an OK movie. It's far from super exciting but it's not really horrible either. The story is basically your typical "thing from outerspace crash lands on Earth, some dickwad with a stick pokes at it and now he pays the price by having the gooey slimy alien thing invade his body" plot.



Grant, the dickwad, starts getting a taste for raw meat and wanting to impregnante someone. He tries his super hot wife Starla, but the human part of Grant can't bear to do that to her. Cause he's obsessed with her, you see, as we find out during Act 3. Alien Grant shacks up with some white trash slut named Brenda and he impregants her with literally a million little slug/leech thingys. Once they spew forth from a very pregnant looking Brenda, they invade the townspeople through their mouths and soon everybody in the fucking town starts talking AND acting like Grant, demanding to know where Starla is. This is possibly Starla's worst nightmare cause she barely puts up with the overbearing dickwad and now the entire fucking town is covered with Grants.

On a side note, I would've given anything for Mary Tyler Moore to appear on a TV and scream out "OH MR. GRANT!" That would've amped up the movie in my opinion.



The last 30 minutes or so acts kinda like a zombie movie, with the townspeople roaming the streets calling out for Starla, then "meat". Eventually Bill, the sherriff who has a crush on Starla, manages to blow Grant the fuck up and everybody in town just dies.

Oh and we see teenage boobage. Sorta.

I wanted to go "Oh fuck yeah" during this whole movie but I just kinda sat here, staring at the movie. I liked what I saw, and it was executed pretty well, but I kinda like it when I'm in my seat going "OHH!!" and "HOLY SHIT!" like I do when I watch, say, "Shaun of the Dead", or "Pervert!" or even to a lesser extent "Death Bed". And I'm kinda said that my current actress crush Jenna Fischer didn't have a bigger role than I thought. Although, she played a secretary in this one, and I rather see her in a starring role, so it was probably for the best.

My readers, I love you, but leave me the fuck alone.

-Jason

PS: That's from a song in the movie, so you don't think I'm being rude to you or whatever. Click on the first track in the sample to hear it.