Originally reviewed on 8/10/06
For this review, I decide to give you sort of a rundown on what I was thinking while I was watching "Audition".
-Ok, Audition. I seen part of this on Bravo's 100 Scary Movie Moments or whatever. So I'm kind of prepared! Bring on the gore!! WOO BLOOD!!
-Ok, I don't speak Japanese. Where are the subtitles? Ah I gotta turn my captions on. Damn foreign films.
-Ok I missed the beginning, what's wrong with this lady? Well she died from it, whatever it was.
-Ten years later...so the kid was what? 7? 8? 6? 2? What?
-It must suck to be a fish. You're just swimming along, suddenly this shiny object appears and you go "Hey that looks like fun..OW!!!!" then you end up in some dude's stomach. Talk about your bad day's. (Cue the Daniel Powter!)
-Seems like everyone wants this dude to get married. So he's talking to this other dude and he's like "We'll hold a fake audition and we'll find you a wife."
-Ok, they just said Audition like 20 times in the past 5 minutes. I think I know what movie I'm watching.
-This is probably based on a reality dating show in Japan. "What these girls DON'T KNOW is that they're unwilling dates for this dude who's only PRETENDING to be a movie producer! Will they pick the movie or the date? Let's find out!!" Hmm...that's not too bad. (Calls up MTV)
-Oh joy, a montage of all 30 auditions. I wonder if my walls need painting...
-HEY! There's the chick he seems to have a thing for. And she knows ballet. Awesome.
-He's gonna jerk off to her picture and video, isn't he?
-Hmm...any guy she use to be around suddenly vanished. Not a good sign.
-GAH! This is so boring! Did I get the wrong movie by mistake? Is this a Lifetime movie? Is the mother from Growing Pains gonna run through and start crying about her wedding dress or some shit? What's going on?? Where's the dismemberment??? I WANT BLOOD!!! ARRGH!!!!
-Ok, I'm better now. But I'm still bored.
-Whoa! She's getting naked....aww no boobage. Damn you Japan! DAMN YOU TO HELL!!
-That was quite possibly the longest one night stand ever. It was more like a 2 and a half week stand.
-Hm, this movie producer friend of his seems to think she's psycho. And he'd be right...if he'd just say so.
-Doesn't know where she live? DUDE! You were in the fuckin' cab with her when she got out. GO THERE!!! GAH!!!! My head hurts...
-So you think she lives in the ballet school?
-Ok, how can a guy in a wheelchair teach ballet? That's like Helen Keller becoming a vocal coach.
-Well Wheelchair Dude is kinda creepy. Did he bone the chick?
-Now it's off to a restaurant. Where a grisly murder happened. Maybe this dude should call Monk. Or Kojak. Or Spencer. He's for hire.
-Ok, I'm like one hour and 20 minutes into this movie and ABSOLUTLY NOTHING HAS HAPPENED??? I must have the wrong movie. Maybe this is "Audition: The Story of A Dull Dude Who Wants To Get Laid So He Pretends To Be A Producer But Nothing Bad Happens To Him!" Ok, I know people told me this movie was slow, but to me "slow" means nothing happens the first 20 or 30 minutes of the movie. This isn't slow. This is just stopped. Not moving. Motionless. NOTHING IS HAPPENING!!
-Oh wait...is she breaking into his house? Is it gonna start? But...the movie seems to be almost over. Something's not right...
-Ok, he's slowly moving through the house. He's getting a drink...whoa can't handle your liqour there, buddy?
-Wait, what just happened? Is my DVD broke? It just jumped back to what was happening an hour ago! NO!! NOT AGAIN!!! WHY DO YOU HATE ME SO MUCH GOD!! WHY????
-Wait...his wife is there....and he's introducing her to the chick? The hell is...
-Oh! I get it! It's a...it's a fuckin dream??? NO!! Don't do the whole "It was only a dream" route! I HATE THAT!!! I'm gonna cry now.
-They must've gotten David Lynch to direct this part. I feel like I just watched "Muholland Drive" but with a Japanese cast. And no lesbian scene.
-Ew, did she throw up? Into a dog dish? What is she....OH HOLY FUCK!!! JESUS CHRIST!!!! WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!? OH MY GOD!!!!!!! HE'S EATING VOMIT!!!!! WHY IS HE EATING VOMIT???? EWW EEWWWW EWWWWWWWW!!!!!
-Wait. This dude in the bag didn't have a tongue. But...he's lapping up the vomit...how is that possible? Still. Ew.
-Oh, he's passing out again. And...she's in the other room. With a rubber apron!! YES!! THE DISMEMBERMENT CAN BEGIN!!!! (Sits closer to TV)
-Oh man...not needles. I hate needles.
(Throughout the whole actupuncture scene, I was balled up on the floor, weeping slowly and trying to look but trying not to look.)
-Foot? She's gonna cut off his foot?
-WHOA!! THAT WAS COOL!! And she just throws it agains the sliding door. AWESOME!!!!
-Time for the other one. And..uh oh the son is home. Wait, is she gonna spray him with perfume? Like those ladies in department stores? Hm, men do hate that.
-Wait...THAT was a dream??? She didn't leave him!! Or go psycho!! And he has his feet! Arrgh!!
-No wait...what's going on? It's back to the house and the son and he's running away..from perfume? Couldn't he just knock it out of her hand?
-WHOA! She broke her neck!!!
-"Are you ok?" "GEE son, my foot was just FUCKIN' cut off!! What do you think???"
-He had to tell him to call the police? That'd be the first thing I'd do.
-Ok how is she talking with a broken neck?
-It's over? You mean to tell me I rented this movie that was suppose to be so graphic and crazy and controversal and all that crap and it doesn't happens until the last 10 minutes of the movie?? Seriously, what a rip off. Granted, I didn't know about the vomit scene (ew), but still! What a rip off!! ARRGH!! Note to self: next time someone says "DUDE! This movie is crazy!! People's heads explode and Madame Judy Trench gets naked and squeezes chocolate syrup from her nipples!! You gotta see it", ignore them and kick them in the throat.
So yeah...I had to sit through an hour and a half of a Lifetime movie in order to get to some crazy shit. That kinda sucks.