Jason Made A Video #21

(Due to a techical error, this week's episode of "Jason Made A Video" can't be posted onto Youtube. So you guys don't go a week without something, plus we felt this was a good idea, I am posting the script/scribbled down notes on a napkin here so you get a general idea on what it would've been like. Like some thing from my childhood use to say "Use your imagination".)

*Jason is sitting at his chair in the computer room, facing the camera.*

Jason: Hi everybody. So April Fool's Day is coming up this Friday and everyone is expecting me to do SOMETHING for it, I guess because, much like a mushroom, I'm a "fun guy"!
Cokie: Fuck you!
Jason: Anyway, I haven't really fleshed out the idea yet, but I did spend $500 bucks on this green screen.

*Jason walks to green screen*

Jason: And what I'll do is just change the background during this video and emulate some of your favorite blogs and websites. That should be fun!
Cokie: Yeah, it'll be fun when the lawsuits start coming in.
Jason: Shut up, Cokie. Let's start the video!

Title Card: Jason Made A Video #21: HA HA FOOLED YOU!
Music: The Bloodhound Gang-Bad Touch


*Cuts to Jason in front of Green Screen. A screen grab for Blog Cabins comes up.*

Jason (In Dylan's voice): Hola! I'm Dylan aka Fletch from Blog Cabins. Girls are hot! Aren't they, some dude?
Cokie: Yep.
Jason: Ok, well *pretends to smoke cigarette* here at Blog Cabins, we do a feature where I take a look at all the movies coming out in theaters! What's coming out this Friday?
*Picks up newspaper*
Jason: Oh jesus. This is terrible. Nevermind. And...that's it!

*Green Screen changes to Random Ramblings of a Demented Doorknob*
Jason: Hey y'all! So I was watching "Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoneix" last night and I was trying to imagine what it'd be like if different people played all the main characters. Like for instance, if Haley Joel Osment was Harry. And Abigal Breslin was Hermoine. I couldn't figure out who'd play Ron, well besides Rupert Grint, who was in the smash hit movie "Driving Lessons", a movie everybody in the world must've seen, right?
Cokie: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Jason: Ok. As for the adults, how about Rob Lowe as Snape? OOH! How about-

*Note: I need to look up other characters in "Harry Potter", since I only seen, and read the books, only once each.

*Note: Add two or three more y'all's.*

*Green screen changes to Rachel's Reel Reviews*

Jason: The Office-Was a good episode. Glee *Try to pretend you actually like this stupid show*-Oh yay! Glee was on! Woo! They sing (crappy) remakes of (good/great) songs, thereby forcing every retarded 14-year-old that watches this show to think Glee came up with this song and-

*Stop while you're ahead*

*Green screen changes to Insight Into Entertainment*

Jason (Cheery): HI! Yeah! Everything's awesome! WOO! GO movies!

*Note: fill this part out some more, but not sure with what. Brainstorm later.*

*Green screen changes to The List*

Jason: Alright, motherfuckers, this is my Top Five Badass Motherfuckers Who Fuck Shit Up All The Time!
5. Jean Claude Van-Damme-Say what you want, he knew how to fuck shit up!
4. Steven Segal-He may be overweight and puffy now, but back in the 80's he was "ABOVE THE LAW"! And he was also "UNDER SEIGE". Huh.
3. Bruce Willis-YIPPIE KAY YAY MOTHERFUCKER!
2. Sylvester Stallone-RAMBO! COBRA! ROCKY! Do I need to say more, fuckers?
1. Arnold Swartzenegger-Fuckin' "Commando" AND Terminator! I MEAN COME ON MOTHERFUCKERS!!!

OUT!
Cokie: Kai says "out" at the end of this posts?
Jason: No but it seems like he should.

*Note: talk about boobs some more during Kai's part*

*Green Screen turns to Invasion of the B-Movies*
Jason: Wait...what?
Cokie: MY turn!! *Ahem* UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! I'm Jason! I say fuck a lot! Oh, nobody likes me cause nobody comments or emails me. Wah wah wah I'm so alone.
Jason: Cokie...
Cokie: Here's a review of some obscure bad movie that nobody's ever heard of. I don't know how to write worth shit but I'll make stupid lame jokes so people think I'm a good writer.
Jason: That's not true...
Cokie: UHHHHHHH, maybe if I stopped saying "Uhhh" a lot, people would actually care about what I say and-
Jason: THAT'S IT!!

*And the camera fell down and broke due to "techical issues". The ending was suppose to go like this:

Jason: Ok, seriously, this was all in fun. All the blogs, and people, I mentioned are awesome and I'm only kidding. I hope nobody takes any of this to heart.
Cokie: UHHHHH I'm a suck up so people don't hate me cause if I don't have friends my self esteem will be lower and I'll end up-
Jason: HERE'S SOME COPYRIGHTED MUSIC!!

*Ending credits with song from beginning playing. With a final note attached:
"Thanks for reading and hope you guys found this funny."

Adios!
-Jason

30 Days of Horror 3: The Return of the Revenge!

Yes! I am bringing back "30 Days of Horror"! But it'll be a bit different this time. Instead of watching a movie and reviewing it every day, I'm gonna be partaking in bigdaddyhorrorreviews.com/ 30 Day Horror Movie Challenge. You probably seen similar things on FaceBook, where someone each day posted a different answer to a question. I'll be doing that here, answering 30 questions about 30 different horror movies during April. It'll be fun! I promise! Yay!
-Jason

Jason's Weekly Round-Up #8

Some Cool Ass Shit:
-I had a great idea for a post, but the topic doesn't fit here, so I sent it off to Blog Cabins and it got posted. There's only one comment, which is a movie quote, which just means I blew everyone's mind, man!

-TheGreatWhiteDope finally got around to reviewing "Manos: The Hands of Fate". I thought when you start a B-Movie blog, they hand you "Plan 9", "Manos", a T-Shirt with the zombie fighting a shark from "Zombi", and a unlimited supply of Mountain Dew. At least that's what I got in the mail the day after starting The Site. Hm, maybe there's something in the Dew...

-I was kinda psyched about seeing "Sucker Punch", then that wore off. Then some reviews started coming in and boy, is this a "You either love it or hate it" kind of movie. Rachel liked it. Reel Whore hated it. Nick loved it. Sebastian HATED it. So who do I listen to? I don't know. I guess I'll have to see for myself.

Movies I WILL Be Watching:
-I got a couple of movies I gotta watch for "The Lair".
-I completely forgot about the B-Movie Meatloaf for April, even though I picked the theme. I picked "Sequels/Direct-to-video sequels" and I chose to do "Cabin Fever 2", which, honestly, I'm not looking forward to. I didn't like the first one and honestly I can't see the sequel being any better. Why do I put myself in these situations?

A Random Video:


And finally:
I'm going out of town this weekend, so I won't be around to do weekend stuff. You'll just have to carry on without me. Rough, I know.
-Jason

My Entire Movie Collection

It's a bit long but here is version 2.0 of my movie collection.
-Jason

New Review: Galaxy of Terror

The long awaited review is finally up!

Galaxy of Terror

Sorry if it's lackluster. It's the movie.
-Jason

Pieces

Oh "Pieces". Oddly enough, you are made up of "pieces" of other favorite movies. The director Juan Piquer Simon also directed "Slugs", which is easily my favorite bad movie. Speaking of "Slugs", the guy that yells out "YOU DON'T HAVE THE AUTHORITY TO DECLARE HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" is in "Pieces" but he's a bit more restrained. And to all you MSTies out there, you'll remember Juan Piquer Simon also directed "Pod People". Now that you know all of that, you'll know what kind of movie "Pieces" is.

And to keep throwing in other movies, I thought while I was watching this that "Student Bodies" was mainly making fun of "Pieces" but it turns out "Student Bodies" came FIRST! I'm just amazed.

Alright, so the opening takes place in Boston 1942 and some kid is in his room putting together a jigsaw puzzle. Mom comes in and sees the puzzle is of a naked chick. Mom has an epic freak out where she pretty much punches the kid repeatedly, then threatens to burn his room down. I'm not even exaggerating about any of that. She demands that the kid go get some garbage bags but he comes back with an ax and chops Mommy up.

Meanwhile some nosy bitch is constantly ringing the bell. When no one answers, she calls the police almost instantly. Jeez lady, they could just NOT be home. You have to wonder if this happens all the time. She shows up and if no one answers she calls the police. I'm sure the cops rolled their eyes when they saw it was her.

Oddly enough, this call was warranted cause they find the body and the kid crying, pretending he didn't chop the body up.

It's now 40 year later and we're at some university. They don't say which, so it could be any in the Boston area. Boston people, leave me a comment telling me which one it could be. Keep in mind the director is Spanish and all the people in this movie are dubbed.

This is one of those movies where they hide the killer's identity by filming him from the back and he wears nothing but black. He's in a room and he pulls out the nudie jigsaw puzzle and I guess he gets horny or something cause he gets the urge to kill!

And he kills some girl that's just chillin' on a lawn somewhere. He cuts her head off and soon, the body is discovered. The cops are called in and two detectives Bracken and Holden are assigned to the case. They talk to the Dean of the university and the Dean wants to keep all of this quiet. Of course.

I can't even begin to describe all the weird awkward dialouge and strange dubbing that's in this movie. There's a whole scene where a busty girl asks Professor Brown, who ends up being a suspect, where a breast muscle is and everything about it is weird and awkward.

Anyway, later we meet Kendall, a guy who apparently likes to bone chicks everywhere. He gets an offer to bone some girl in the pool and of course she goes off by herself, gets naked, and soon, the killer kills her and takes her torso. You can probably figure out what's going on here by now.

For whatever reason, Bracken tells Kendall he can work with them on the case and keep an eye out on things on campus. Cause the campus male whore is the best detective. And because Bracken doesn't have time to babysit Kendall, he teams him up with Mary Briggs, A TENNIS PLAYER!! I....don't know....what....ok.

Well, Kendall and Mary prove they're shitty cops cause two more girls are killed. One girl loses her arms while the other loses her legs. So the two girls killed was a dancer and a(nother) tennis player, but the parts he took from them seemed backwards to me. He took the dancer's arms and the tennis player's legs. You'd think dancers would have great legs while tennis players have great arms. Then again, I'm not a serial killer trying to play Frankenstein with dead chick's body parts. That is, until it's proven in court.

Some third chick is killed but no body parts are taken from her so it was pretty gratutious. There's a great scene in the middle where Mary is walking around at night and she thinks she sees someone following her. She's running and before you know it, some Asian dude jumps out of nowhere, doing typical kung-fu moves and jumping in the air, making the "AWWWWWW!" noises. He simply falls down, Kendall arrives explains he's the school's KUNG FU TEACHER, and the guy stands up and says "I don't know what happened. I must've had some bad chop suey. LATER!" and he simply walks away. I couldn't make that shit up if I tried.

My favorite suspect is this big John Ryhes-Davies lookin' motherfucker who's the school's groundskeeper. They keep playing it like he's the killer cause anytime the killer strikes, we see this dude leaving the building the murder just happened in. And anytime he's on screen, he acts all shifty eyes and looks like he's about to bench press someone. I shouldn't have to tell you the killer isn't him.

Ok, I'm gonna spoil this movie and tell you who the killer is cause that's what I do, as a service for people who enjoy reading my reviews but don't ever plan on seeing the movie. I know they're curious who the killer is, or even figured it out on their own but still. If you want to see this movie, skip the next paragraph and jump to the last one where I give my final word and rating.

SPOILERS BEGIN HERE!

Kendall helps out one of the cops and he stumbles upon the fact that someone's records makes a note about a name change. The cop looks into it and finds out that the guy when he was a kid, saw his mother get chopped up with an ax. Who's the guy? Why it's The Dean! And Mary is visiting him now! OH NO! So The Dean puts some poison in Mary's coffee so she can't move and he's about to chop her feet off when the cops burst in and kill the Dean. As they're looking around for all the body parts, they find a secret compartment with the body made up of different body parts, which falls on Kendall. Later, they're about to leave when the body, I guess, comes to life and rips off Kendall's nuts. And that's where this movie ends. Seriously.

SPOILERS END HERE!

So this is a wacky movie, and the tagline is pretty awesome: "You don't have to go to Texas for a chainsaw massacre". The funniest thing about this movie is the weird dialouge and all the dubbing. The acting is sub-par and you know the movie is throwing us red herrings about who the killer is. I kinda figured it out about midway in the movie but I didn't know why he was doing what he was doing. This is kind of a fun movie, one you'd watch at a party. Plus, if you enjoyed "Slugs" or "Pod People" you'd probably get a kick out of this.

-Jason

Jason Made A Video #20

It's the 20th episode, but Jason is acting really, really weird!
-Jason

Jason's Weekly Round Up #7

If Michael Cera married a chick named Sara, her named would be Sara Cera.

Some Cool Ass Shit:
-My podcasting partner Nolahn was a guest on Nick's Podcast "The Demented Podcast" and Nolahn was awesome...until The Tower hit. Well, it wasn't entirely Nolahn's fault. Just listen.

-I saw "Paul" this past weekend and I fuckin' loved it. I don't normally cover new movies on the blog but if I did, and I was female, my review would be something like Jess' review.

-So apparently that Desert Island CD thing I did the other day was started by Castor over at...um...this site. Anyway, if you go there, you can read Castor's and other people's list.

-For the record, I never seen "Dr. Horrible's Sing A Long Blog" so I can't say I agree with his opinion or not but this is a pretty funny post, even if you disagree. And I'm sure a few of you will disagree.

-The Midnight Movie of the Week at "From Midnight, With Love" is "Evil Dead 2". Awesome!

Movies I WILL Watch This Week:
-So I owe the world a review since I didn't get one out last week. I'll have that up THIS Friday. I promise.
-I forget if I mentioned it last week but I'm gonna try to watch a movie called "Pieces", which sounds like a fun time.

Random Video:


And finally:
The first 30 people that comment to this post get the most awesome prize ever: A NEW POST NEXT WEEK! YAY!!
-Jason

The Soto List: Movie Soundtrack CD List

So there's a thing going around on all the other movie blogs where they're listing songs they'd put on a CD, the songs had to be from movies (cause we're movie blogs, y'see, god forbid we break format ONCE and talk about music but whatever), then they purposelly crash on an island or something. I didn't do that much research and I didn't look at anyone elses list yet cause I didn't want them to influence me. I do know that they seem to stop at 12, which confuses me cause when I make CD's I can fit WAY more than 12. So I'm doing 20. Like I said, I didn't look that much into it and fuck it, it's my list. And to help load times, I only linked to the videos on Youtube. Most likely most of them would've had the embedding disabled anyway. Here we go, in no particular order:

1. Warren Zevon-Werewolves of London (The Color of Money)
I never understood why this wasn't featured in "An American Werewolves in London", at least for a brief moment. But we do have the honor of seeing Tom Cruise singing it, so there's that.

2. REM-The Great Beyond (Man on the Moon)
I fuckin' love this song. Just one of two songs from REM that's about Andy Kaufman. And fuckin' "Man on the Moon" is, seriously, one of my favorite GOOD movies.

3. Issac Hayes-Theme of "Shaft" (Shaft)
Sometimes I wish I had my own theme song and just have it play while I walk around the city, looking cool and shit. Fuck yeah.

4. Goo Goo Dolls-Iris (City of Angels)
I'm gonna get a lot of shit for this one but whatever, I like this song. And I haven't seen the movie, but I seen the music video enough times to know it's from the movie.

5. Queen-Bohemian Rhapsody (Wayne's World)
So when I go to other people's blogs, this song better be on EVERYONE'S list. Really.

6. Motley Crue-Home Sweet Home (Hot Tub Time Machine)
I knew about this song before the movie made it "famous", but now I just think about Rob Corrdry performing it.

7. Sponge-Plowed (Empire Records)
Honestly, I could've put the entire damn soundtrack on this list but I stuck with this one cause everytime Felicia hears it, she thinks of the movie. I just rock out.

8. Simple Minds-Don't You Forget About Me (The Breakfast Club)
Again, if this isn't on everyone's list...

9. Stevie Nicks-Edge of Seventeen (School of Rock)
This is here cause it's still in my head from watching the movie last week.

10. Elton John-Tiny Dancer (Almost Famous)
Be honest: if it wasn't for this movie, you wouldn't have known about this song. Don't lie.

11. George Baker Selection-Little Green Bag (Reservior Dogs)

12. Urge Overkill-Girl You'll Be A Woman Soon (Pulp Fiction)
I could've picked a lot from Tarantino, but I went with these two cause they're just so fuckin' cool.

13. Richard Cheese-Down With The Sickness (Dawn of the Dead 2004)
This stands on it's own.

14. Blue Oyster Cult-Don't Fear The Reaper (The Stand)
Ok it's a TV Movie, but still. Best opening to any "movie" I can think of.

15. Alice in Chains-Got Me Wrong (Clerks)
So here's a puzzler. Kevin Smith made this movie on his own but somehow got Alice in Chains to be on the soundtrack. Figure that shit out.

16. Afroman-Cuz I Was High (Jay and Silent Bob Strikes Back)
While we're on the subject of Kevin Smith...

17. Lynard Skynard-Freebird (The Devil's Rejects)
Like half the song is used at the end of the movie. And I'm not complaining.

18. Dokken-Dream Warriors (Nightmare on Elm Street 3: The Dream Warriors)
I would probably lose some street cred if I didn't include this. I hope I made you happy.

19. Metric-Black Sheep (Scott Pilgrim vs The World)
The instant I got home from seeing this movie in the theater, I immedately downloaded this song. I love it.

20. Blue Oyster Cult-Godzilla
Ok, this wasn't used IN a movie, but c'mon! It's about motherfuckin' Godzilla! C'MON!!

So that's it. Now I'll be visiting everyone else and see what they got. For some reason, I get the feeling I did this all wrong.

Fuck it.
-Jason

The Lair of the Unwanted #15: Anthology 101

In this episode of "The Lair" Jason and Nolahn discuss Anthology films, films that tell 3 or more stories in one movie.

Jason gives a shout out to TheGreatWhiteDope who was suppose to be on this episode, so visit thegreatwhitedope.blogspot.com and give him some love. Then we Come Clean by reading some listeners favorite anthology films and TV shows, while Jason and Nolahn name their Top 3.

After that, they discuss the films "After Midnight" and "Death 4 Told".

Leave any feedback at the Facebook page at Facebook.com/thelairoftheunwanted or email at thelairunwanted@gmail.com.

For more infomation on "Death 4 Told" check out Dope's review here:
http://thegreatwhitedope.blogspot.com/2010/07/death-4-told-2004.html

Enjoy!
-Jason

Jason's Weekly Round-Up #6

I'm Chuck Woolery and we'll be back in 2 and 2 to make a love connection!

Some Cool Ass Shit!
-Last week's episode of the LAMBcast is up, in which me, Nick, James, and some other dude who's name I can't remember all talk about what we been watching lately. As usual with these episodes, it was a lot of fun, even if the movies I talked about were a bit on the dark and grim side. Then there's Nick...

-Speaking of, James description of the LAMBcast is fuckin' hysterical. I think he should write the show notes from now on.

-I was exposed to this song just yesterday but TheGreatWhiteDope beat me to the punch to do a whole post about it. This is seriously the worst song, and music video, I have ever seen in a long, long, LOOOOOOONG ass time.

-Stallone has decided to drop out of directing "The Expendables 2". Matt over at "Chuck Norris Ate My Baby" tells us who he thinks the new director should be. He might have a point.

-Any post that mentions "Slither" gets a shout out from me. Rachel from "Rachel's Reel Reviews" tells us three reasons why she washes off in the back yard with the garden hose. (Note: This claim might not be 100% accurate.)

-Jess at "Insight Into Entertainment" mulls over trailers and how effective they are.

Movies I WILL Be Watching:
-This is the week I do a review for The Site so I have that going on.
-Thanks to a recommendation from another podcast I listen to, I got from Netflix "Pieces". From what I hear, it's a fun bad movie. We'll see.
-That's probably all I'm gonna have time for this week.

Random Video:


I'm probably gonna drop the picture thing and go with videos. It's all rainy and dreary here so this is a good rain song. Plus the video is amazing. Just missed my Top 15 favorite music videos list.

And Finally:
I'm not gonna be doing a video this week because I got too much going on. Work, recording an episode of The Lair, plus a review, it's a bit much for a fella. Thanks for understanding.
-Jason

Compare & Contrast: The Hills Have Eyes

For this edition of "Compare and Contrast" I'll take a look at both version of "The Hills Have Eyes". First up, Wes Craven's original 1977 film.



The film opens with an old guy named Fred closing up his gas station/junk yard(?). He gets a visit from some crazy looking chick named Ruby, who begs for food. Fred doesn't give her any, despite having a live pig in the back of his truck. When she learns Fred is closing for good and leaving the desert, she begs to go with him. When a car pulls up, Fred throws Ruby in the closet and sees who it is.

It's The Carter family! Dad is a retired cop, Mom is super religious, Brenda is a care free spirit (I bet in the remake she's played by a Lauren Conrad/Heidi Montag type), her brother Bobby, her sister Lynne (Dee Wallace), Lynne's husband Doug, and their kid Katy (Not Perry). They stop at Fred's for gas, while the family dogs Beauty and Beast (See what they did there) snoop around and find the place creepy.

After telling Fred they're looking for some silver mine, Fred turns into the Crazy Old Man Who Warns The Family not to go to the mine but keep going to California. The family take off and Fred finds that Ruby is gone, along with his pig. Fred seems to know what's up.

Dad ignores Fred's warnings and looks for the mine anyway, but they get into a car crash in the funniest way I've seen in a long time: a mixture of Mom thrusting the map in Dad's face and a bunny rabbit sitting on the road. They crash, breaking an axel. Not knowing what else to do, Dad and Doug decide to walk for help. Dad goes back to Fred's, while Doug looks for an air force base that's suppose to be around there.

Meanwhile, we hear voices coming from THE HILLS (see what I did with the Lauren Conrad joke) and they all have names like Mercury, Mars, Venus, and Pluto. They spot the broken down family and just watch...waiting.

At this point, most people might get bored just watching this family try to get comfortable, waiting for the two men to get back. There is some slight action when Beauty runs away and Bobby goes after her. Beauty is killed by one of the hill folk and Bobby finds the body. He's so distraut that he slips and falls down the hill.

Dad makes it to Fred's and finds Fred trying to hang himself. This wasn't completely explained. Fred tells Dad that a long time ago, he and his wife gave birth to some kid that came out sideways (I can hear all the mothers reading this now go "Ooohhhh" and holding their groins), which killed the wife. The kid ended up being some kind of freak, being born 20 pounds (again with the "ooooh" reaction) and apparently super hairy. When the "kid" was 10, he was a hairy giant who burnt the house down. Fred got fed up with this and left the "kid" in the desert. I guess the kid grew up to be the Papa of the hill folk that's now running around. They didn't come out and say that but that's what I figure.

Before Fred can say anymore, a dark figure bursts in and kills Fred. Dad freaks out and instead of taking Fred's truck, he starts running back. Well, he didn't take the truck cause Dad has a heart problem and he NEEDs to have a heart attack while being chased. He falls down, almost dead when one of the hill folk (Mars I think) takes him and crucifies him in a tree.

It's getting later and the rest of the family worry about Dad and Doug, but not enough. Doug returns with a bunch of crap he found, and he and Lynne immediately start fucking in the broken car. Bobby returns, kinda dazed about the whole dead Beauty thing. Twas the freak that killed the Beauty?

With Bobby all a bundle of nerves, any small noise he hears he freaks out over. WHen he leaves the trailer, he finds the door is locked. Inside the trailer? Michael Berryman. You know Michael Berryman.



Yeah, that guy.

He and Mars are inside, stealing food and bullets. Berryman, who plays Pluto, is about to rape Brenda, but Mars thinks Pluto isn't old enough so he does it himself. Pluto freaks out. Meanwhile, Mercury (who I think is Papa) sets Dad on fire and Doug, Mom, and Bobby go put him out. Mom has one of the most annoying freak outs I've ever seen on film.

Mars spots the baby and decide to take it. Lynne tries to stop him but ends up getting shot. Mom walks in and she too gets shot. Mars and Pluto leave with the baby. Doug is pissed, Brenda is freaked, and Bobby is trying not to wimp out. Meanwhile, Beast who ran away, manages to knock out one of the other hill folk. Hm, maybe he's Mercury and Papa is Papa. I couldn't get most of them straight, besides Pluto and Mars obviously.

Anyway, Beast kills one of the hill folk and takes his walkie-talkie, which is how the hill folk communicate to each other. He takes the walkie-talkie back to Doug and Bobby, who can now hear them communicating to each other. At the hill folk camp, they decide to keep the baby alive...for now.

The next morning, Doug vows to get the baby back so with Beast leading him they look for the camp. Brenda and Bobby stay behind. Doug shows up at the camp and when Beast attacks Pluto, Papa orders Mars to kill the baby. Doug springs into action. Papa meanwhile, heads for Brenda and Bobby.

Bobby sets up a "Home Alone" style trap to get Papa which involves some wire and the car's wheel. The wire snags Papa and drags him across the desert but the car runs out of gas. They move to plan B: blow the fucking trailer up. Ruby, who I guess isn't really a hill folk but a prisoner, takes the baby from Mars and runs. Mars chases after her. She runs into Doug and they both go running.

This is why I love movies from the '70's. The final five minutes of this movie is Doug and Mars fighting. Beast pretty much biting the fuck out of Pluto's neck. Ruby sic'ing a snake on Mars, then Doug stabbing the shit out of Mars. After Mars dies, the movie ends. No resolution. No twist ending. Just THE END. I love that. I bet the remake has both resolution AND a twist ending. Considering both version have a sequel, I'm sure I'm not wrong.

So that's the original. Onto the remake!



Written and directed by Alexandre Aja, who wrote and directed "High Tension", a favorite of mine, even if the "twist" is a bit dumb. Going into this, I figured it'd be a bit more extreme than the original. I was unprepared for how extreme.

This version opens up with some guys in "Outbreak" suits scanning a desert when they get attacked with pick axes. Then a car drives away, dragging all the bodies of the "Outbreak" guys away. During the opening credits, we get stock footage of nuclear bomb testing, mixed in with pictures of deformed babies. Ahh...this movie is going the mutant route instead of regular inbred hill folk. Well played, Aja.

Even though he isn't given a name, this movie's Fred is alone and he wakes up to weird noises. He finds a bag on his front porch and he yells that he's done doing it. We find out what "it" is in a few. He takes the bag in and finds it full of wallets, jewelry, and a fast food container with an ear. As he's about to freak out, The Carter's show up! Same group as in the original except the cast (obviously).

I was sort of wrong about who's gonna play Brenda. They got Claire from "Lost" to play her. I guess yeah. Kathleen Quinlan is the Mom. And in one of my favorite bits of casting Ted "Played Stottlemeyer on Monk" Levine is Dad! Man, he was perfect for this role. Oh there is one change made to a character. They made Doug a wimpy "Democrat" who hates guns. So when he goes berserk later and kills all the mutants we'll go "Ahh...I get it."

This version is a bit more sinister cause instead of this version's Fred telling them not to get lost, he actually directs them TO the mutants. And instead of throwing maps and avoiding cute bunnies, the mutants set up a trap so the tires blow out.

The truck crashes, Dad and Doug go their own seperate ways, leaving Bobby in charge. Oh right Bobby. In the original, I swear Bobby was at least in college. Here, he can't be more than 16. I know I shouldn't be griping about that age change when there's a HUGE one coming up.

There's an added scene where Doug find a huge crater full of abandoned cars. I guess this is the one scene in the original where he finds all the stuff that'll come into play later. And I'm guessing we need to know what the mutants do with the cars.

Dad shows up at Fred's, find the ear, and goes into cop mode. THIS TIME he decides to take Fred's car but he finds Fred sitting in an outhouse, drunk. When Dad confronts him, Fred blows his head off. Soon, Dad is attacked and is dragged off.

The dogs get loose and Bobby follows them, only to have Beauty (Yes they kept the dog's names) get eaten by a mutant. He falls and it being cared for by a child mutant. You'll never guess who this child mutant is suppose to be. I'll give you a hint: she's wearing a red hoodie. Yeah, this is Ruby, who was an adult in the original. Strange enough, it works cause instead of being a captive, she's just being a regular child who doesn't understand what's going on around her.

Most of the night scenes are the same. Pluto and Mars break into the trailer, a crucified Dad is lit on fire, Mom freaks out. Brenda is raped, more brutally this time around, by Mars. Pluto eats a bird. They shoot the Mom. OH SHIT! There is one difference here. When Lynne walks in, Mars holds a gun to her, make her take her tits out, and HE STARTS BREASTFEEDING!! I was like "Whoa..." Lynne gets shot in the head, then they take the baby and leave. Doug freaks out and vows to get the baby back.

The next day, Doug and Beast go get the baby but instead of the mutants living in a cave, they live in one of those test nuclear blast sites that have houses and whatnot. So we're suppose to get from this is they were miners working nearby when all these bombs were dropped on them and now they're mutants. Mutant CANNIBALS!

Doug finds the baby in a house and he goes in to get her, but a mutant stops him. When he wakes up, he's in a meat freezer full of bodies. He escapes the freezer and meets the "head" of the family. That's in quotes cause the guy is pretty much a GIANT HEAD in a wheelchair. There's a fight scene between Doug and Pluto where eventually Doug shoves a pick axe through his head. He then kills the "head" guy (Man, I wonder if Aja put these puns in the script) but not before the guy orders the baby to be killed.

Mars is about to kill the baby when Ruby takes her and runs away. At the broke down truck, Bobby and Brenda set up a trap but not the same trap as the original. This one is just suppose to signal if someone is coming. The trap goes off and after searching, they find nothing. But when they return, they find Mom's body is gone. Bobby goes looking for it and he finds a mutant eating the body. Fuck, man.

The mutant (I'm not sure which one this is) chases after Bobby and Brenda sets up the same explode-y trap in the trailer, which works. Meanwhile, Doug catches up to Ruby and is about to get the baby when Mars appears, attacking and beating the shit out of Doug. But Doug is a MAN now! He grabs a shotgun and fucks up Mars' shit! But while reuniting with the baby, Mars gets back up and is about to shoot Doug when Ruby runs, attacks, and then falls off a cliff with Mars, killing them both.

So already, this ending is different. I told you, modern movies need "resolutions". This can't end with Doug going "AHH FUCK YEAH!!!" and the words THE END. Fuckin' modern movie going audience, YOU SUCK! Sorry.

Doug returns with the baby, they all hug but...ugh TWIST! Someone is watching them through binoculars. Now it ends. Really? Ok, yes, there's a sequel to this but still.

Ok so in comparison, I liked the original but the remake was pretty fucking awesome, even if it bugged me. I loved the way the original just ended, but the remake was more gorier and more fucked up. If I had to pick which one I rather go with, I'd go with the remake, even though the original has Michael Berryman. And, well, he's fuckin' Michael Berryman!

At least now I know to avoid going anywhere NEAR the desert. Sorry, Dylan.

Original:

Remake:
-Jason

Jason Made A Video #19

In this episode:
-My own Completely Random Movie Comparison
-A new segment called "I'ma Gonna Defend"
-I play Trivial Pursuit
-Oh and I get naked. I know that'll be the big draw to this episode.

Enjoy!
-Jason

Jason's Weekly Round-Up #5

Do you think someone at a drinking straw plant, as a joke, licks certains straws before they get wrapped? Sleep tight!

-Dylan aka Fletch at "Blog Cabins" does a post every now and then where he picks a year and talk about his favorite five movies from that year. Me being the 90's geek I am, I was tickled pink when he went with 1996, a year I fondly remember. Oh I wish I was 16 again.

-Nick's podcast The Demented Podcast, reached 10 episodes and for the 10th episode, he had an all out Battle Royale with the 5 players who made it in the top five spot of his game The Demented Tower. The episode is probably my favorit episode of that show mainly cause you got cute Jess, awesome James, cool Tom, drunk Rachel, and...Hatter just going at it. So check it out!

-Did you know TheGreatWhiteDope had a web comic? No? WHA??? Well, catch up starting here and then check out the newest one!

-From Midnight, With Love did "Big Trouble in Little China". Need I say more?

-It was Nolahn's birthday this week! Wish him a happy birthday and check out his review of "Black Belt Jones"!

What I WILL Be Watching:
-Jackass 3/3-D comes out today. I'm probably gonna scurry over to Redbox and see if they have it.
-I'm gonna be doing a "Compare/Contrast" to a film title sometime this week. It's a popular movie from the 70's that got remade some years ago. There's also a sequel. Can you guess what it is?
-I still have the movies we'll be covering on The Lair to watch. Man, I'm a slacker.

Random Picture:

The great white buffalo....great white buffalo....

And Finally:
Spring is almost here! Yay!! I don't totally mind cold weather, it's all the fuckin' snow and ice I hate. So here's to no more of that shit!
-Jason

Bath Tub Time Machine: Bonus Content

Some bloopers/extra stuff from the Bath Tub Time Machine series.
-Jason

New Review: Godzilla vs MechaGodzilla

What does Godzilla, Quagmire, John Cusack, The Smiths, and the Planet of the Apes have in common?

Godzilla vs MechaGodzilla

They all can be found in this week's review!
Enjoy!
-Jason

Cannibal Holocaust

I been wanting to watch this movie for awhile now, knowing how notorious the film is. Today I just happened to be a bad enough mood where if the movie was disturbing I probably wouldn't feel it. This ended up being the case. So keep that in mind: If you're in a crappy enough mood, watch some soul wrentching film. It'll leave you unchanged.

So "Cannibal Holocaust". Some backstory before I get to the review. The director Ruggero Deodato, after the movie was released, was arrested and was going to go to prison for life for murder and filming it. The kill scenes in this movie are that realistic. Deodato proved it's only a movie by having all the actors appear in court and say "Hey, I'm alive!"

With that out of the way, the story focuses on a group of American film makers who are going to some remote jungle to film a doctumentary on some savage tribes. Six months have gone by and no trace of them. The company that hired the crew hires Professor Monroe to go looking for them since he knows a thing or two about tribes people. He flies to the jungle, hooks up with a guide, and they go looking for them.

While looking for them, they find one tribe (not called Quest, sadly enough) and after establishing they are friendly, they root around looking for the film makers. Not finding anything, they move on and find another tribe called The Treedwellers, who live in...well you can probably figure that out.

After earning their trust, they find the rotting corpses of the film makers. And some cans of film hanging around. Monroe manages to get the film from the tribe and fly back to New York City with the footage. The TV Studio that hired the film makers want to air the footage uncuts but Monroe is like "Uh...." and shows them the footage. The last half of the movie is the footage and what happened to the film makers. Just like "The Blair Witch Project!" (That's probably gonna get me flamed. Fuck it, I don't care right now.)

So the film makers, three dudes and a plain looking girl, head to the jungle and start filming themselves goofing around. A trantula scares the girl. They find a turtle and kill it, gut it, then eat it. Oh by the way, all the scenes of the animals getting chopped is in fact real.

Eventually, they find the first tribe (still not called Quest) and because they're asshole film makers, they terrorize them by stealing their food, burning their huts down, and even going so far as raping the women. They're doing this around the scenes they're gonna edit to make themselves look like heroes and them more like savages.

The network executives, being jerkwads, still wanna show the footage. Monroe is like "Well, wait until you see THE MURDERS!" So more footage reveals that the film makers killed some people and made it look like the tribes killed them in these brutal ways. Sick of their shit, the tribes attack them. They cut off one dude's dick and then eat his body. Then they grab the girl, rape her, then cut her head off. Then they beat the other guys to death, all with the camera rolling.

With the footage over, the executives are like "Point made, Monroe" and he orders he footage to be destroyed. Monroe ends the film with the question: "Who are the real savages?" Hmm. Makes you think.

I'm not gonna lie. If I was in a normal mood, this movie would be severely fucked up. Knowing the human murders aren't real made it somewhat ok but it still looks real enough. Plus it made me wonder how they did some of it. This movie isn't for everybody. If you were disturbed by me describing it, don't watch. If you're morbid enough to check it out, I say do it. It's kind of an important film in a way. Plus, there are people who like "I Spit On Your Grave" so keep that in mind while watching.

-Jason

Jason Made A Video: Bath Tub Time Machine 4

Cokie figures out where Jason is, while Jason tries to figure out what happened to him in the alternate timeline.

The final BTTM. Thanks for watching. Regular video next week.
-Jason

Jason's Weekly Round-Up #4

There are at least three songs with Tuesday in the title. Can you name them? Can you name any more?

Some Cool Ass Shit:
-The GreatWhiteDope is mad as hell and he's not going to take it anymore!! If you like anything I do or say, then you should follow him cause really he's a smart and funnier version of me. Give him a chance, huh?

-The road to hell is paved with good intentions, which means a good chuck of Hell Road is made up of things I meant to do but never did. Final Girl does a Film Club every month (I wanted to do something similar but 1-I know no one would do it and 2-I would be totally stealing her idea) and I've done a few in the past. This month, she took on "Frozen" which I actually seen, own, and love. Why didn't I write a review of it? Well, it's kind of a funny story...

-OH MY FUCKING GOD "GOOD TIMES WITH BAD MOVIES" REVIEWED THANKSKILLING!! Sorry for the shouting! Just read his review and you'll understand why.

-What's even better than promoting an episode of a podcast where the subject is something I like? When said podcast reads my feedback. Yeah, I'm a vain asshole, you're just NOW figuring that out? Anyway, poor Jess over at Reel Insight must've drew the short straw and got to read my obsenity laden email where I proposed to Jess, schooled them on Nick Swardson, and begged them to do a Megan Fox episode. The rest of the episode is great too. (Second plug in two weeks? Congratulations, ladies!)

What I Plan On Watching This Week:
I didn't really watch any of the crap I said I would last week. One of my days off got cut and I had to work an extra shift. Am I a nurse? Am I a EMT? No...I WORK IN A FUCKING OFFICE SUPPLY STORE!! The hell, man? Anyway, between no free time and being tired, I didn't watch much of anything. So therefore this week:
-I'm gonna try to get to "Flash (AH AHH AHH AHH) Gordon" still.
-This is also the week I review a movie for the site. This week is "Godzilla vs MechaGodzilla"! I love this movie so this should be a fun review.
-I'll probably watch one of the movies for the next Lair episode. It's an episode I been wanting to do for awhile so I'm looking forward to it.

A Random Picture:

WHAT'S IN THE BOX????

And Finally:
Last week's Twitter Event on "Deadgirl" was pretty successful. Not only did a lot more people seem to follow me, but one of the movie's stars Jenny Spain followed me and responded to a few Tweets. Who's Jenny Spain? Why, she played THE titular Deadgirl! Y'know, it's weird communicating with a person who you seen naked on screen. I've done that a few times now and you never get use to it.

Not counting myself.
-Jason