Monday, June 27, 2011
(Note: Hello and welcome to day two of "Transfer this crap from The Site to The Blog" week. I'll probably post three reviews today, so just sit back and enjoy the ride!)
Things kick off with some KKK members in a cave somewhere doing something. The whole thing is pretty dark so it's hard to make things out. Turns out one of the KKK members is a chick with nice tits. I didn't know the KKK allowed women in the KKK. "Color" me surprised. (Get it? "Color"?)
Well, turns out they DON'T allow women in the KKK, nice tits or not, cause some other guys find her doing something in the dark and immediately shackle her to the cave wall. Soon, her left hand is cut off. When this happens we get a nice quick shot of what I guess is the Devil standing in silhouette form, holding a stick. We then find out that the hand is possessed! Yep, much like in "Idle Hands".
In fact, this movie could serve as a prequel to "Idle Hands", since it wasn't explained in that movie why or how that whole thing happened to begin with. I suppose this is as good enough of an explanation as we're gonna get.
So the KKK members take the hand and throw it in this little hand box (sorry, no hand bag jokes here) where it lays to rest. Fast forward to, oh let's say, 200 million years later. The husband and wife team of Mark and Jennifer Baines are now in Mexico and they're archeologist or miners or something. What they're doing here isn't totally explained.
But they hired some superstitious Mexican workers who refuse to enter the cave/mine thing. Jennifer's line of thinking is "If they see a woman go into the cave thingy and then come out alive, they'll just HAVE to go in." Cause all Mexican miners are sexist I guess.
Mark and Jennifer go into the cave and prove they suck at their job by tripping over everything and nearly destroying the cave. Mark falls down a hole and finds an old altar with some demon figures around. On the altar is the hand box from earlier! Mark thinks it's a good idea to take it. And proving Jennifer wrong, when she comes out of the cave, the Mexicans says "Fuck this" and leave.
Later at their hotel, Jennifer is asleep in sexy lingerie waiting to get boned but Mark is drinking himself to death. He decides to grab the hand box and open it but inside is nothing but dust or ash or dirt or something. Disappointed, Mark goes to sleep sloppy drunk. I'm sure Jennifer appreciated the smell.
Soon, the dust forms into a hand and comes alive. It makes it way to the smelly bed and starts fingering Jennifer. Ok, not really. It just rubs her leg. This wakes her up and she freaks out. Mark wakes up and instantly does battle with the hand, until it vanishes. Mark declares the whole event has a drunken dream and leaves the hotel room. Jennifer shrugs her shoulders and goes back to sleep.
The next morning, Jennifer shows up at the cave thing and learns her husband forced all the Mexican miners inside. Then we see him outside the cave and he blows it all up to hell, I'm guessing trapping the miners. Jennifer is like "NO! Mark!" but Mark high tails it.
You know, I thought I was the only one to go to Las Vegas right after I blow up a cave in Mexico, killing a bunch of miners. I'm glad to know I'm not. Mark does that exact thing, playing at the craps table. We see a shady guy pointing at Mark and sending a hot piece of ass over.
Jennifer must know that after any killing spree, Mark goes to Vegas, cause she shows up looking for him. For some reason, the hotel guy doesn't believe she's Mark's wife and tells her to fuck off. Instead of just wandering around the casino, Jennifer stands around, pouting.
Eventually, Mark leaves with the hot piece of ass, but is attacked in the parking lot by the shady guy. Soon, they're back in Mexico and shady guy has Mark chained to a desk. Shady wants to know how Mark got so lucky in Vegas but he won't tell. After threatening to cut his hands off, Mark gets superhuman strength and frees himself from the chains and kills hot piece of ass and Shady. Mark then finds some gas and he lights himself on fire, but the hand digs itself in the dirt so it doesn't get burnt.
Mark's body is buried in L.A and Father Cunningham is looking over the body. Jennifer shows up, blathering on about her husband's hand, and Father just wants her to shut up so he shows her the grave, where it's clearly been broken OUT of. The rest of this scene happens in the dark and this movie can't afford lights so I'm only guessing what happens next.
An elephant shows up in a tutu and starts playing the piano while a teenage girl screams.
A car horn shows up, to do battle with the unicorn. A cop tries to break all this up but Mark's dead body is trampled by the elephant and the hand appears in the cop's car somehow. I think a prosthetic limb was also involved.
Ok, blah blah blah, the hand possesses a cop that showed up at some point. Father Cunningham shows up at a boxing place and starts sparring with the cop, until the cop sees the cross on Father and he flees like a vampire. The Father reports back to Jennifer that he didn't find any of that unusual.
Jennifer is about to leave the church when the cop shows up and arrests Jennifer for renting a car. But the cop takes her to some doctor's office where the cop makes the doctor cut off the possessed hand. The reason for this is because the hand now belongs to Jennifer, since she and Mark found it.
The cop handcuffs Jennifer to a chair and the doctor and nurse seem rather cool about cutting off this dude's hand, gunpoint or not. They get the hand cut off and Jennifer then realizes that she's only handcuffed to the arm rest and she could've pulled the handcuff out this entire time. I dunno who's more stupid here, the cop or Jennifer.
Father, meanwhile, thinks he's Father Dowling and does some deduction work. He spots Jennifer's rental car outside with the keys still in the trunk lock. Somehow he realizes where she's at and hitches a ride with another cop to the doctor's office. Oh, and it's the next day now.
At the doctor's office, the hand kills the cop and takes over the doctor, who killed the nurse and is taking his sweet time possessing Jennifer. Thankfully, Father arrives in time. The sight of Father scares the doctor and he runs.
So now a chase scene occurs which ends at a train yard. The doctor jumps onto a moving train, which I'll admit was pretty bad ass. But what's not so bad ass is getting knocked off by a post. When this happens, the doctor sticks the hand under the train's wheels, separating it from him. The hand grabs a ride on the train and goes out of town.
Well, not really. Later, that night, Jennifer is about to go to bed when she spots the hand waiting for her there. She freaks out and again Father just happens to know this is happening and is there. Maybe he was there to spy on her getting undressed. Maybe he made that Erin Andrew's tape.
Despite Jennifer saying throughout the movie "We must destroy the hand!" she keeps running away from it. Father takes her back to the Church where surely she's safe. Well, no, she's not. And don't call me Shirley. Yeah, sorry, I had to. I hope you understand.
Man, I wish I could take a screen grab of this cause the Father tells her to change into some random clothes he has and she comes out wearing a white button down shirt, black
slacks, suspenders, and a belt. No idea, man. But soon, the phone and the lights go off and the hand appears inside the church.
Well, ok, so it can go into the church but it can't possess the Father cause it's been scared of him throughout the whole movie, right? Well...wrong! Possess the Father it does and soon he starts chasing Jennifer around. To be honest, Jennifer doesn't really do much in this entire movie but look bored at the idea of being chased by a possessed hand and letting the Father do all the work.
Father traps the hand in some glass thing and soon uses a blow torch to roast the hand alive, while reciting some passage from the bible, which makes the entire scene some sort of metaphor. The next day, the Father and Jennifer go on a boat and throw the burnt remains into the ocean.
Well, this is a horror movie so here's your twist. Jennifer is cleaning the Father's house. Why? I guess she fell in love with him or something. I dunno. Anyway, there's a knock on the door and on the way to answer it, Jennifer spots some puddles. The person knocking is a delivery guy and he gives her some box. Ah-ha! You're thinking what I was thinking, right?
Jennifer takes her time opening the box, building the tension and/or padding the ending, finding puddles everywhere. I dunno where the Father is during all this. Maybe he's giving a one-handed Mass. That could be taken both ways.
Finally, Jennifer opens the box and inside it is....a candle and some seaweed. Now that we know the hand isn't inside the box, we do know the hand sent it. I dunno if the cover of the box said "FROM THE HAND TO JENNIFER @ THE CHURCH" or what. Jennifer goes into the kitchen and sure enough, the hand is waiting inside the sink. It jumps onto Jennifer and literally spins her right 'round baby right 'round like a record, baby. Until she falls into a glass table and cue ending credits!
Well, that was uninspired. This movie starts off kind of ok, then eventually gets unintentionally hilarious to downright stupid. The only good thing is that it's pretty short, coming in at 1 hour and 15 minutes. Overall, I think this would be good MST3K material, minus the boobage shot in the beginning. Oh, yes, there were boobies. How else did I know that chick had nice tits?