Sunday, June 26, 2011

House of the Dead

(Note: This was originally on The Site, but I've moved it over to here because, let's be honest, I'm never gonna feel like watching this piece of shit movie again to update the review and add images. So here it goes. Enjoy!)

The very beginning of the movie should've warned me. I should've just stopped it, rewound it, and declared the first movie I've ever reviewed where I gave up at the opening credits. But alas, I feel I got something to prove so I continued to watched. And now I am one of the many people who can say they survived "House of The Dead".

The thing that tipped me off was the previews for a Tara Reid movie where she marrys some dude and when he takes her to some island, it becomes "The Shining" only set on an island. Then this movie starts and not only did the filmmakers decide to be clever and include snippets of the video game this movie is based on during the credits, it's done while TECHNO music plays. Yes, the evil that is Techno. And now it pains me to present this movie to you, dear reader. It pains me so.

After the god awful credit sequence, we get a bunch of people with names like Greg, Simon, Cynthia, Alicia, and even "Karma". Karma is the only black person in this movie. So the African-Americans are represented by a chick who looks like Ananda Lewis named Karma. They wanna go to this island that is hosting a rave, which why it's on a FUCKIN island is beyond me...

Ok, I'm angry at this movie, expect more lashing outs like that. Anyway, they miss the rave boat and decide to pay some salty captain to take them. Not only was the mention of a rave a sign I should've given up, but the fact the ONLY star power this movie has is, and I kid you not, Clint Howard. He plays the assistant (Or Gilligan if you will) to the captain of the boat, Captain Kirk. Yes, Captain Kirk. NOW do you understand why I hate this movie?

Greg pays Captain Kirk a thousand dollars to take them to the island. Clint Howard freaks out, not wanting to go, but Kirk says hell with it and takes off. While they are leaving, the coast guard, or the INS, or some other vague goverment thing is trying to stop Kirk from leaving shore. He gives them the finger and takes off.

They arrive at the island and it turns out Kirk and Clint (He had a name in the movie but I'll be damned if I'm gonna try to rack my brain to remember it) has some illegal stuff on board. So they take the opportunity to hide this stuff while the kids go rave.

But they find the rave is empty. Not thinking about any of this, they decide to start drinking and fuckin', but Alicia, the hot chick who's also somewhat smarter than the others, decides to look for everyone. Simon and Karma come with while Greg and Cynthia stay behind and make immature ejaculation jokes.

They come upon a house, the titular "House of The Dead" if you will, and find another group of people named Hugh, Rudy, and Liberty, who is representing the Asian community by wearing a revealing jumpsuit that is colored red, white, and blue, which I guess is why she is named that. Hugh, a camera guy who probably works for "Girls Gone Wild", videotapes the reason why the rave was abandoned. Frankly, I would abandon a rave anyway, but the main reason is because a shitload of zombies started attacking everyone. Hugh, Rudy, and Liberty were the only survivors. They all agree they should hightail it off the island, so they all head back to Kirk's "wessel", er vessel.

While they decide to pick up Greg and Cynthia, they run into some zombies themselves, one of them including Cynthia. They manage to stop them, and everyone freaks out cause Cynthia is dead, which is weird because she seemed kinda flaky and probably wasn't a good friend.

They make it to the shore where they find Kirk's boat is under attack by Klingons, er I mean, zombies. Kirk is doing a good job shooting them, but then they team up with the U.S.C.G/INS/Vague Government Agent Casper (A Lady btw), and she helps them shoot
the zombies. Now, I was already about to burn this damn movie but then they say something that makes absolutely no sense. Instead of going onto Kirk's boat and taking off, they say
"But what if more zombies are on the boat? We can't risk it. Let's go back to the MOTHER FUCKING HOUSE OF THE FUCKING DEAD CAUSE WE'RE MORONS!!"

Sorry. I'll go see a therapist when I'm done here.

Anyway, so what if there are more zombies on the boat? Just shoot them or push them overboard. How many could there be on a fuckin boat? Jesus...

So they go, with Kirk giving them a shitload more weapons. What follows next is a scene that went on for so long, and I'm not making this up, I left, ate 15 tacos in the kitchen, took the dog for a walk, vaccumed my room, rearranged the living room, took a shower (While I lather, rinse, and repeated), and called for tech support (Which was about 45 minutes right there), and when I came back, the scene was still going on.

The only way to describe the scene is this. Imagine if the dudes who made "The Matrix" made a zombie movie. People were flying in mid air, bullets were floating, zombies wore dark sunglasses and said "Mr. Anderson" a lot, the whole works. The same crap went on and on and on, until FINALLY they tried to get into the fuckin' house of the dead. Casper (The agent in case you forgot, cause I did after that scene) climbed into the window but a shitload of zombies ate her legs off. So Rudy, who by the way looked like Bruce Campbell so I think they were going for the whole "Evil Dead" thing here, went in and opened the door to let the rest of the gang in.

Oh, Liberty didn't make it either. Oh, and neither did Greg.

Inside the house, Karma consoles Simon because a zombie spit acid on his face and because he's a model (EXCUUUUSE ME!!), he's rather depressed, so she decides to give him a blow job. Ok, no but I wish she did to make up for that long ass scene earlier.

Rudy, who turns out use to date Alicia (WOW!!! WHAT A SMALL FUCKIN WORLD!!! DIE MOVIE DIE!!!..sorry), decide to suck face also. Kirk got bit on the leg and can't walk...except he does when he hears Clint Howard (Remember him?) outside. He became a zombie, so Kirk decides to blow him, and himself, up, which he does.

So who's left? Who really cares but in case you do: Karma, Alicia, Simon, and Rudy. They manage to hide out in the basement where we get a shitload of backstory. Apparently in the 1500's, some Spanish dude named Costello was banned from Spain for doing evil medicine. He killed everyone on the ship that was taking him somewhere and came to the present island we are at. He then decided he wanted to live forever, so he tinkered around with mutated blood, which brings people back to life, which...somehow...makes forever...


I'm ok...really.

Anyway, more zombies attack and Simon, who doesn't wanna live anymore cause he can't be a model anymore, decides to blow up the entire place while Karma, Alicia, and Rudy escape. They find a underground tunnel where they shoot at zombies all willy nilly, but they eventually overpower Karma and she dies.

Ahh...all the minorities are dead, and it's a Spanish dude's fault there are zombies. Why not have the remaining people don white hoods and burn crosses?

Anyway, Costello snags Rudy and Alicia and tells them stuff we already knew (He created zombies cause he wanted to live longer, this didn't make sense the first time around), and says he's gonna do something with their skin but we don't find out what cause Rudy decides to fence with Costello, which lasts about another 3 hours while I painted my house.

It suddenly becomes morning outside, Costello stabs Alicia in her nice boobies, and Rudy chops off Costello's head. Then a helicopter, which somehow knew to go there, arrives and saves Rudy and Alicia.

But wait, you're asking, I shouldn't really care but I thought Alicia was don't mean he could...EWWW!!!

Yep. You are correct. Join me in my hatred, won't you?

So just in case you didn't pick up on it, I hate this movie. If the chick who played Alicia wasn't in it I would've stabbed my eyes out a long time ago. She was the only one that made this movie worthwhile. But, it still sucks and if I ever see this movie again I'm destroying the TV set it's playing on. So don't play this movie if you're expecting me over to your house.


No comments: