Saturday, June 18, 2011

The Soto List: The NEVER Edition

Now that I'm a three-time award winning blogger/reviewer, and I've set myself up to review NOTHING but horror movies for the next year (I have to let you in on one exception which was put into motion a few months ago prior to the LAMMY's: There will be two Segal films that will be reviewed on The Site. But AFTER THOSE...look out!) and while thinking about what I'll be watching for the next year, I thought about some movies that either I've seen, or only heard about through trailers and other people, and told myself "I am never going to review that on The Blog/Site as long as I live" for various reasons.

So this list are those movies. These are the Top 5 Movies I Will Never Review on Invasion of the B Movies!

5. Anti-Christ

I'll admit I'm intreged by the title when I learned what the movie is about. But I dunno if I'm that curious. The trailer shows Willam Dafoe's naked ass and after watching Tommy Wiseau's ass being displayed, I keep my man ass down to a minimal. Then there's the shit I heard that happens in the third act and...yeah, probably not watching this anytime soon.

4. Begotten

Watch that, imagine an hour and 20 minutes of stuff like that, and tell me what the fuck I'm suppose to say? Exactly. And there was some audio but it was removed due to copyright? Really?

3. Vistor Q

The film that made me lose street cred to Nick. When I saw it, it was early in my website days, before I seen as many fucked up shit as I've seen now. And before "Martyrs". Back then, a movie about necrophilia, incest, and abuse towards your mother kinda fucked me up. Now, I'd probably just go "eh", like Nick did. But I don't really wanna watch it again.

2. I Spit On Your Grave

Yeah, I'm never watching this movie ever again. I don't care. I MIGHT check out the remake, but I get the feeling I'm gonna feel the same way. And yes, even after watching "Martyrs", I still find this disturbing.

1. Slaughtered Vomit Dolls

Imagine that, the trailer's not up on Youtube. Well, I'll tell you what's in store and if you're still curious, you can click the link to the official webpage that has the trailer. Ready?

Vomit gore. That's it. Oh, and it's made by the Church of Satan people. So keep those two things in mind. And when I say "vomit gore", the trailer shows people ACTUALLY vomitting, repeatedly, and at great lengths. I don't know what else to say, which is why I am never, in my fucking life, watching this movie.

If you feel the need, here's the site. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Now, I didn't put "Martyrs" on this list cause I reviewed it over at "Man, I Love Films" and I'm sure there are some others I'm forgetting. But these are the five that I thought of. I toyed with "Last House on the Left" but I was really young when I watched that, so maybe I'll give that one more shot. I doubt I'm gonna like it, but you never know.


Frankly, My Dear said...

I've seen four of those films. Anti-Christ was pretty crazy but nowhere close Visitor Q.

Begotten has my favorite plot to describe: God is sitting in a rocking chair cutting his stomach with a razor blade while shitting himself. Mother Nature arrives and gives God a handjob. She uses his sperm to impregnate herself and then gives birth to something that gets carried around by druids for an hour.

Nick said...

I gotta disagree strongly with Frankly, My Dear. No movie has made me feel dirtier than Anti-Christ. Visitor Q, on the other hand, was too cartoonish to be too disturbing.

3 movies that have disturbed me immensely? Deadgirl, Anti-Christ, and Salo.

Kevyn Knox said...

Antichrist is actually a rather spectacular film, but it is most certainly an acquired taste.

I spit on Your Grave may not be a good film, but as far as exploitation flicks go, it is one of the better and more daring ones.

Cannot comment on the others since I have not seen them.

Jason Soto said...

I had a feeling that Antichrist was going to be the odd duck on this list. That and number 1 are the only two movies on the list I haven't seen and don't really plan on ever seeing. Antichrist, because I know what happens so I don't see the need to watch it. The first one...well that speaks for itself.

I should've put "A Serbian Film" on this list but I didn't think about it. I'm probably never going to watch that movie ever so consider that #6 on this list.

Dylan said...

So you do have limits. Interesting to see what those are, though frankly, what's the difference between Spit and something like Run Bitch Run?

Jason Soto said...

Dylan: Despite what it may appear like, I am human.

And the rape scene in "I Spit On Your Grave" is like 45 minutes long and looks realistic. "Run! Bitch Run!" is like 2 minutes max and looks fake. Plus, I just watched "Irreversable" which is the reigning champ of uncomfortable rape scenes and I can safely say I could probably tolerate "I Spit On Your Grave" a lot more now.

Dylan said...

Touche. I will accept that you are human if you accept that I'm not like "OMGzers, NO!" when it comes to anything with the word "horror" in the title.*

* Just most of it (because most of it sucks, which you already know). And certainly not any torture porn.