Old School Summer: Abraham Lincoln vs Zombies

Status: Rented from Blockbuster.

Why wouldn't I rent a movie called "Abraham Lincoln vs Zombies"? Why wouldn't The Asylum make a completely ridiculous movie based on a movie that isn't even out yet called "Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter", which I'm totally FUCKING looking forward to!

But here's the shocking thing and you probably won't believe me when I say this but...this movie is actually DECENT! Like, kinda good! I...liked it! I...don't believe it either.And I promise you The Asylum isn't paying me to say that, they barely pay their writers, what makes you think they'll pay little ol' me? I'm just in shock.

Oh, if you never got a The Asylum DVD, be prepared to be annoyed cause their trailers never fucking end. I counted one time (it wasn't for this movie but for one of the shark movies I watched earlier) and there was NINE FUCKING TRAILERS! NINE! Normally there's maybe at most five but NINE?! Jesus.

Ok, anyway. The movie starts up and it shows young Abe in Indiana (WOO!) and his mother is a zombie. He pulls out a scythe and cuts her head off. Flash forward to the "present" which is sometime in 1863 I think and he's preparing for some dumb speech in Gettysburg that he must make or some crap when someone tells him a solider came back from an attack on some fort kinda sick.

Abe checks this out and finds out the solider is slowly turning into a zombie. The solider tells Mr. Lincoln (I feel weird calling him Abe) that a bunch of "strange people starts eating all the soliders" and he got bitten. Soon, he's a full blown zombie and Bad-Ass Abe pulls out his awesome scythe out of his coat and cuts his head off.

Knowing what he must do, he forms a small team of Secret Service guys to head to the fort to figure out how to stop this zombie outbreak before it reaches across the country! Civil War be damned! There was a part that reminded me of "The Walking Dead" where a guy who was sort of on The South's side thinks all the "zombies" could be cured eventually, but Lincoln is like "Fuck that shit! I have a cool scythe!"

So Lincoln heads to the fort with a group of secret service people, one of whom sounds very anti-Lincoln. And his name? John Wilkinson.

Ok, we know way early on this is suppose to be John Wilkes Booth. Let THAT sink in for a moment cause other shit is about to come flying at you.

They arrive at the fort and not only find zombies but Confederate Rebels shooting at them. Once Lincoln takes care of some zombies in a bad ass fashion, he discovers one of the Rebels...is General Stonewall Jackson himself!! WOW!

So Lincoln takes Stonewall and his men prisoner while he figures out how to stop this zombie thing. By the way, one of the secret service guys is a freed slave named Mr. Brown (I know I know...) and he tells Lincoln his relatives on the plantations use to talk about these undead beings called "zombies" which is where they learn the word.

Anyway, while Lincoln is figuring shit out, Stonewall is like "These are human beings! My people! You murderer!!" Man, what is it with Southern people and wanting to keep zombies alive? Jeez, southern man, you better you keep your head! Don't forget what your good book said! Southern change gonna come at last!

Lincoln and a few men head into a nearby town to get supplies and try to send for help. They come across some zombies and hide out in a brothel, where-you won't believe this-one of Lincoln's EX GIRLFRIENDS works at! And some little kid is hanging around here and his name is Teddy. Teddy...Roosevelt. I'm not even kidding.

And apparently Teddy Roosevelt is a thief cause Lincoln tells him "here, speak softly and carry this big stick" and "a nation divided upon itself cannot stand". Like, wow, really?

So anyway, Lincoln takes ex-girlfriend Mary and her daughter back to the fort, while killing zombies along the way. Oh, the zombies here don't respond by you merely being near them, they have to be attracted by noise first. So there are scenes where everyone is running by zombies while they do nothing. I bet Nick Jobe read that and is having an aneurysm right now.

Meanwhile, John Wilkes Booth wants to kill Lincoln for being Lincoln. Mary The Slut gets bitten and is slowly turning into a zombie. Lincoln thinks the only way to stop this is to just kill the town full of zombies. Stonewall is against this but one of Stonewall's men is all for it and agrees to help. So they go out and kill a bunch of zombies, which works but...more show up, killing a good chunk of Lincoln's men.

The survivors retreat back to the fort and ponder what to do. Stonewall FINALLY gives in and says "Hey, I have a shit ton of dynamite" let's just blow the fuckers up! Lincoln thanks him for his help and sets it up and manages to get the zombies into the fort and blow it up, killing them all and Stonewall. John Wilkes Booth isn't happy about this and runs away, vowing revenge...

There's still Mary to deal with. Lincoln takes her and chains her in a barn and has a doctor try to fix her. OH NOW you're all about trying to cure them, when it's an old piece of ass that's still pretty hot. Flash forward to one day before "the big day" if you know what I mean and while visiting Mary the Zombie, he gets bitten. Realizing he must act fast, he sends a letter to John Wilkes Booth telling him where he's gonna be at to give him a chance to kill him.

Ok, so how did Lincoln know that John Wilkes Booth would shoot him in the head, killing him? What if he should him in the shoulder or the heart? Then would zombie Lincoln attack John Wilkes Booth? Actually...that'd be kinda awesome!

So that's the movie. Yes, I was really surprised. I was really into the story and the guy playing Lincoln did a fantastic job! I totally believed him and I now want a series of Lincoln movies starring this guy. The downsides, besides some of the weird cameos by historical figures, was the fake beards and mustaches looked a bit too fake and of course the blood is CGI. I dunno why The Asylum can't afford to make blood. It can't cost THAT much! But whatever. I can't believe I'm saying this but

"Abraham Lincoln vs Zombies" is a good movie. Go check it out.

Gah, I feel dirty now.



-Jason