Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Old School Summer: Bloody Murder

Status: Own

You gotta love grocery stores around Halloween because they'll just find any shitty four pack of movies and sell them for 8 bucks, step three=???, and then profit. And here comes ol' Jason Soto being a dumbass, buying it up.

"Bloody Murder" is in a four pack of movies that I'll be taking on here in the near future and tonight I was in the mood for a slasher flick, and reading the back of the DVD, and seeing the name was "Bloody Murder" I figured this would do.

Let me tell you now: I AM SEVERELY DISAPPOINTED!

The movie's killer is called Trevor Moorehouse and he's a legend in this small town that happens to have a camp that happens to have some bad history behind it. Of course. A group of teenagers (?) are on their way to be councilors at this camp and they are Julie, Jason, Tobe, Dean, and Whitney. I only remembered their names because they're introduced about ten billion times in the first 10 minutes of the film.

"OH, I'm Patrick!"
"Hi Patrick! I'm Julie! This is Jason, Tobe, Dean, and Whitney."
"Oh this is Brad! Brad, this is Julie, Jason, Tobe, Dean, and Whitney!"
"Hi Julie, Jason, Tobe, Dean, and Whitney! This is Drew! Drew, this is Julie, Jason, Tobe, Dean, and Whitney!"

And so on. So Patrick is the head of the camp, Brad is some dude Jason knows, and Drew is a chick that's bunking with Julie, our main character. Julie is dating Jason but Tobe has a thing for Julie, even flirting with her in front of Jason. Man, don't you know you should never piss off dudes named Jason, ESPECIALLY in the woods?

So what does any of that have to do with this movie? Not much, really. The set up to this movie was SO by the numbers for a slasher movie. Let's do the checklist:
-Closed camp that's reopening after however many years...
-...because of some horrific thing that NOBODY wants to talk about.
-A group of teenagers (?) setting up said camp.
-A crazy old man who wanders in and out of camp, warning people to leave before HE strikes!
-A serial killer who's legend and only certain people believe in him.

Should be basic, right? Well, that's where you are WRONG! This movie sets it up but then drops it on the way to the dining room (or mess hall) and then scrambles to get it all together but fucks it up so badly, you're just left with a mess.

The title refers to a game the teenagers (?) play which is basically "Hide-And-Seek". During the game Bloody Murder, Brad falls victim to a prank by Dean and Jason that involves Dean dressing up like Trevor Moorehouse and pretending he's gonna kill Brad. Brad cries manly tears and goes back to his cabin. Jason decides to cheat on Julie and fuck Whitney, who use to date Dean, who witnesses this. And we get the vibe that Dean MIGHT just be the killer. Especially when we get a scene after Jason fucks Whitney of "someone" going up to Jason, but the scene cuts before we see anything.

So here's the next complaint about this supposed slasher: There's hard any blood, gore, or on camera deaths! To those of you who been around forever, you might remember that I didn't care for the original "April Fools Day" because they didn't SHOW anything. It's the same thing here. So if you LOVED "April Fools Day" you'll LOVE this movie. (OK that might not be true.)

Julie tells Patrick that Jason is missing, but Patrick doesn't seem to care. Meanwhile, Dean decides to be all creepy and take Whitney to the middle of the lake in a canoe, where it's established that she can't swim and he basically pushes her into the water. But he rescues her and they row back to land.

But later that night, they all get together to watch either "Friday the 13th" or "Sleepaway Camp" (I think they wanted to make one of those references but couldn't afford the rights) and when Whitney gets up to get a snack, she's killed! Off camera of course. FUCK!

I think this movie was made for Mormons who were like "We like horror movies too. But boo to gore, blood, bad language, or nudity! BOO!!" Yes, there's ZERO/NADA/NONE nudity in this movie. It sucks. Yeah, lost interest now? How about I tell you that this movie is less of a slasher but more of a who-dun-it? And I like who-dun-it's but NOT when I'm expecting a slasher! And one this poorly made!

Ok so because Dean is acting like a creepzoid they suspect he killed Jason (who vanished, I think I mentioned that?) and Whitney and he is taken to jail for questioning. Meanwhile, not a whole lot happens. We get some lame emails sent between Julie and her dad, Julie starts to get naked but forgets something and runs into the crazy old man, who tells her to ask her dad about some guy named Nelson. HA-HA!

Julie asks her dad about Nelson but all her dad can say is "Eat my shorts!" and "Smell ya later!" Julie becomes friends with Drew, who talks about smoking cigarettes from Guam, which I thought was weed at first. I could use some weed right now. Brad gets murdered, which lets the police know that Dean isn't the murderer. So who is the killer, HMMM??


Oh wait, wrong movie. You can understand my confusion.

A whole much more of non-deaths and gore happen and Julie THINKS she knows who the murderer is: DREW! Why does she think Drew is the murderer? Because Nelson murdered a bunch of people that included her dad so Drew is getting revenge on...people...who AREN'T Nelson....um....YEAH!!! KILL THE BITCH!!

But turns out Drew ISN'T the murderer because that logic doesn't many any god damn sense. Turns out the killer is SPOILER ALERT LIKE YOU CARE Patrick! Because he's really NELSON! LE GASP!!! Patrick Nelson Riley chases after Julie for a few moments. Oh, that's another thing: everybody in this fucking movie is clumsy as hell! Anytime they go running, they trip and fall. And I mean EVERYBODY!! It's fucking stupid.

Anyway, Julie runs and finds help. But Patrick shows up and tells everyone Julie hit her head and she's cray-cray and not to listen to her. The only person who DOES listen to her is Tobe because he's love with Julie. Again, Jason gets the shaft. Oh yeah, Jason isn't dead, he just went into hiding because he was caught fucking Whitney. Of course, he's a royal douchebag who DOESN'T get the girl in the end. OF FUCKING COURSE!

I'm totally gonna start a movement that makes people aware of the fact that all guys in movies named Jason are douchebag asshole killers. It's really insulting because I'm none of those things (well, depends on who you ask. Like if you ask anybody in Canada, they'd say I am. I dunno what it is with the Canadians...) and I have to wonder WHY they choose the name Jason.

Well, here I'm sure it was to be cute and go "TEE HEE HEE it's about a summer camp and people getting murdered! Let's have a guy named Jason! HEE HEE!" and they bring this point home by having Tobe mention this fact IN THE MOVIE! It was a bit surreal.

Where was I? Oh right. Julie decides to go out with Tobe and leave poor Jason behind. Jason is walking home when he comes across a guy in a mask and a chainsaw and this ends up being Trevor Moorehouse. The end!

This movie is a giant waste of time. It's a shitty slasher, a not very good who-dun-it, and just a boring stupid movie overall. The acting is HORRIBLE, everybody from Julie to Dean to even Patrick, whose only job in the movie was to be menacing and even he fucked that up. The only great performance in this movie was the crazy old man and all he did was go "NOO!!! GO HOME!!!! NELSON!!!! I pooped myself."

And you know what REALLY sucks? THEY MADE A SEQUEL! Fuck!


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