Sunday, June 10, 2012
Old School Summer: Satan's Little Helper
So I'm at my video store, trying to figure out what to rent for this week's rental and I came across this little gem. Reading the back of the box, the story sounded interesting so I said "Fuck it" and rented it. Little did I know that when I got home I would be in for the ride of my life.
Ok, it's not quite that momentous but I needed a catchy opening paragraph. Now that you're invested, let's start.
In this movie, there's a video game called Satan's Little Helper. The object is you're...Satan's little helper and you go around killing people and causing mischief. I'm sure this was some commentary on the state of video games. Anyway, this kid named Dougie-
Ok, now that we got that out of the way. This little kid named Dougie is OBSESSED with this video game, so much so that his costume is Satan's Little Helper. And Dougie wants to find Satan and be his assistant. Mom, played by Amanda Plummer, is like "That's nice, dear" and keeps on driving to pick up Dougie's older sister Jenna and
HOLY FUCK JENNA IS HOT!!!!
Where was I? Oh.
Dougie realizes he has a hot sister and says on several occasions he "wants to marry her". I...wow. I don't even know what to say about that. I guess I'd be all into incest too if THAT was my sister. Fuck me.
Jenna ends up having a boyfriend named Alex and this upsets Dougie to no end. They all get home and Alex decides to dress up like this Satan character to win over the kid. Dougie, meanwhile, is all upset and walking around his neighborhood when he spots a guy dressed up like Satan dragging a dead body out of a house and propping it outside, making it look like decoration. Dougie falls for this and thinks this Satan is the bee knees and wants to be his helper. Satan is like "Ok sure, kid". Well actually, Satan doesn't talk in the movie, at all. He just nods his head and gives thumbs up a lot.
The movie becomes sort of a black comedy with the kid unwittingly helping this serial killer. It gets weird when the kid calls him "Master". And then it turns into fucking "Three's Company" when Dougie wants Satan to kill Alex. Satan just attacks Alex, knocking him out, then goes back home with Dougie, where Jenna and Mom think Alex is in the Satan mask. Satan can't believe his fucking luck and starts groping Jenna, even about to either fuck her or eat her pussy, which she was all for, until Dougie came in the room and wanted to join in.
Ok, no, that doesn't happen. But they stop and Dougie plays with "Satan" some more until Mom realizes she doesn't have candy so she sends Dougie and "Alex" to the store to get some more. There, Satan buys more weapons and then simply walks out without paying. Dougie things this is awesome cause "Satan doesn't have to pay for anything!" and then it turns into the video game with Satan running over pregnant women, old people, babies, and finally a blind person.
Then they go around the neighborhood while Satan kills some people, including Alex's father, who is an asshole. Speaking of Alex, he wakes up and just roams around town, not even thinking for one moment to go back to Jenna's house. What we find out is Satan has killed ALL the police in this town and now everybody has gone crazy and started looting.
After killing a bunch of people, Dougie and Satan return. Jenna figures out that Satan isn't Alex and...kinda stands there without doing much about it. Then their father comes home for a brief cameo because Satan comes out and kills him in front of Dougie, who finally realizes Satan isn't all he's cracked up to be. Satan ties up Mom and of all the fucking hilarious things, takes her to a giant costume party going on in some castle nearby. Yeah, this is a strange town, where there's only 4 cops and a giant castle.
Anyway, nobody at the party thinks it's weird that Mom shows up at the party all tied up and gagged with plastic and thinks it's a great costume. Jenna and Alex finally find each other and go save Mom, but first they must change costumes, which upset me cause Jenna was dressed like this throughout the whole movie:
But now she gets all covered up. DAMN IT!!!
Satan manages to kill a few party goers before Jenna and Alex show up, saving Mom. Alex goes after Satan and the weirdest scene takes place.
Alex steals a gun from a dead cop, threatens Satan with it, Satan PRETENDS to be Alex's Dad, Alex stops, Satan takes the gun, shoots a hole in his hand, gives the gun back to Alex, and simply walks away.
I stopped the DVD and let that sink in. Then watched it again. It made NO FUCKING SENSE.
Until the next scene, when Jenna and Alex goes to Alex's dad's house and finds Satan just standing there. Alex shoots him until he falls, which I then noticed the hole in his hand. OOOH!! I don't know why that was there but OHHH!!!
So back to Dougie, who prays to God and then Jesus shows up! Ok, it's the killer, now dressed as Jesus, NOW with complete Stigmata! Of course Dougie is stupid enough to believe this is Jesus and leaves the house with him AGAIN. But Jenna spots Dougie, realizes Jesus is the killer, and goes back home.
They hear the killer break into the basement and Jenna and Mom head down into the basement where they find Jesus just chillin'.
"But that's clearly Alex in the costume. The killer put it on him so Mom and Jenna can kill him instead!" You, I, and a billion other people who watched this movie shouted. And we are all correct. Upstairs, Dougie finds a nice policeman-
"It's the killer pretending to be a cop because Dougie is a fucking dumbass who STILL trusts the first person he sees, EVEN IF THEY DON'T FUCKING TALK! FUCKING KID GET SOME GOD DAMN SENSE WILL YOU!!!!!" we are all saying. And yes, we're right. And...the movie ends. We never see the killer's face, or wonder if it's anyone we've seen in the movie, or what. I will admit, it's an interesting twist that I didn't see coming. Well, I saw it coming like 2 minutes before it happened, but I didn't see it coming at the beginning of the movie. That's all.
This movie is very weird, really dark, and comedic in parts. I think this would make a good double feature with "Trick R Treat", if you're having a Halloween party, which I'm totally doing this year. I have to think of a good costume. I see Satan and Jesus has been taken. I wonder if I can pull off a good Peter. I just need a rock...