Sunday, June 03, 2012

Old School Summer: Evil Things

And I begin my "Old School Summer" with...this.

Status: I own this movie. Sadly enough.

Oh found footage movies. Thanks to you, any idiot with a camera thinks they can make a horror movie. Let's go through the checklist shall we?

-A bunch of non-actors who are probably friends with the director.
-One of the non-actors holds the camera the entire time, even during times no normal human being SHOULD be holding a camera.
-Inclusion of the line "Are you really gonna be filming the entire time?" or "Dude, why are you still filming?!"
-A whole bunch of time wasted on all the friends partying.
-Something creepy happening in the background.
-More partying.
-Creepy things finally comes to the forefront.
-A bunch of times the camera flies around, giving everybody motion sickness.
-The camera going black to symbolize a person died.

All that more or less happens in "Evil Things", which is such a great title wasted on a fucking stupid ass movie. It really should've been called "Stalking" or "Evil Vans" cause that's all that happens in this damn movie.

To sum up: a group of friends are leaving one place and going to another for the weekend. While driving, they come across an asshole driving in a van. They yell at the van and drive around it. The van then decides to stalk the teenagers. When the van isn't stalking the teenagers, we see how white republican Christian 20-somethings act. Seriously, I've never seen a group of well behaved people in my life. Nobody said "fuck" or talked about fucking each other or made boner jokes or anything of the sort. It's like whoever made this movie wanted to show it during church or something. If that's the case, then maybe the evil guy in the van is Satan? Makes more sense than what actually happened!

Anyway, the friends show up at a house and NOTHING FUCKING HAPPENS FOR 40 FUCKING MINUTES!!! Just talking and stupid shit and stuff you don't even care to know about. They forget about the van, go on about their day, and get lost in the woods. After bickering for 20 minutes (Yes, we are now at the 1 hour mark) they get back to the house and then weird shit happens. Someone knocks on their door, leaving a VHS tape on the porch. Now normal young people this day and age would go "What the fuck is this?!" and probably throw it back outside but THIS group knows to put it into a VCR and play it.

And what's on the tape will chill you!!!!

AHHHHH!!!!!!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK no.

It's video footage of someone INSIDE the evil van following THEM, then I will admit I got a little creeped out here cause the guy then goes inside the house and films them sleeping, which is one of many things that makes me go jibblie jibblie jibblie. So while seeing this, the friends flip the fuck out and start running around like rats in a maze, trying to get signals on their phones but no avail. There was ONE other good scene when one dude goes into a room and the door just slams shut and lord only knows what is happening inside.

BECAUSE WE DON'T SEE ANY BLOOD OR GORE!! It's a bloodless movie. I'm telling you, this was suppose to be shown in a church. So the rest run around some more until the dude recording the entire time gives the camera to this dumb girl who immediately trips, breaking the camera. Then the rest of the film is from the killer's point of view as he chases someone outside the house and then chases someone inside the house but again, no blood or violence.

There's a scene of some guy watching all this footage on multiple TV's, which would be nice if it explained anything but no it's ALL the same shit we just seen. Then the guy in the evil van starts following a group of people making a movie, hopefully better than this one, and I don't know what the fuck that means cause the credits roll. But during the credits we see the footage from the killer, but again it would be neat and exciting if it was SOMETHING DIFFERENT or explained what the fuck was happening! It's the SAME footage of the van following the friends, then stalking them, then walking in on them sleeping, and that's it. The end. Fuck you!

So besides the TWO creepy things in this movie, this movie was a giant waste of time. I could get all the LAMBS together and make a found footage movie FIVE TIMES scarier than this piece of shit fucking movie! AND do it for under 50 bucks! And the guy who made this movie was suppose to send me a free copy but he never did. So now I'm even MORE upset I had to pay for this crap.

Except this dude has my address.



PS: Stacie Ponder of Final Girl also reviewed this movie. I dunno if I unwittingly said the same things as here, so I'm linking her just in case.

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