Monday, January 25, 2010

The Bad Movie Ultimate Cage Match #8

AKA The Match That Almost WASN'T!

Since Travis won five weeks in a row, he and "Ballistic" had to retire. So now we got two different competetors, both who done it before. So here we go:

IN THIS CORNER is Mr. Bill Szany with:
THE CREEPS



The Creeps is possibly the worst and most depressingly disturbing piece of “cinema” you will ever feast your poor eyes on. You know Wolfman, Dracula, Mummy, and Frankie.. But do you recall the most famous monster of all? Oh, sorry. What I meant to say is that this H.P. Lovecraft classic features all the great movie (and book) monsters of our times, except for one tiny detail.. (And I do mean tiny) they are all midgets!! Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I love midgets as much as the next guy. I mean who hasn’t wanted a midget stripper to pull down their pants and tickle their.. Oh wait, never mind that.
Anyways, the movie starts out promising enough. It begins with some very corny moments that will make you giggle giving you the false impression that you are about to enjoy yourself, but booooy are you ever wrong!!!
It’s been years since I tried to force myself to watch this movie so my memory is a bit foggy. If I recall correctly someone takes all the original copies of the Frankenstein, Dracula, Wolfman, and Mummy novels and chants some type of weird thing and/or puts the books inside of something and then the monsters are supposed to appear. Something went wrong however during the spell, and that vital detail that was somehow overlooked or left out made the monsters turn out to be midgets rather than full grown monsters.
So these tiny monsters aka “The Creeps” at first seem pretty funny, especially Dracula,(whos played by a guy who was actually one of the Ewoks in Jehdi, and was in Ghoulies 2). Dracula makes some really cheesy comments in an extremely goofy accent, so it’s hard to not bust out laughing, up until the point when it gets really disturbing. I will not get in to all of that though. If you choose to watch it at your own risk you’ll find out what it is I mean, but I do not recommend this to anyone, because I’m not joking when I say it gets very disturbing as the movie goes on. Ok, I will say this much, he ties a girl up, tears her clothes and starts drooling all over her. In conclusion, the acting is awful, the speed of the movie is very slow, and once again it’s very disturbing but not in a good way at all. Like I said it has it’s unintentionally funny moments due to horrible dialogue and even worse acting, but you quickly forget the laughs once the disturbing moments come up and start to unsettle your stomach. In fact maybe this movie is the true source of my Ulcerative Colitis. Hmm.. I wonder?
Oh yeah, one more thing.. On the DVD there’s a special behind the scenes thing about what a great classic film of our times the movie is!! It’s really depressing because the actors and the director himself all seriously think they’ve made something breathtaking like Braveheart or Pulp Fiction.


AND IN THIS CORNER is Rachel from Rachel's Reel Reviews! And her pick:
I Know Who Killed Me!



It’s rather easy to make fun of Lindsey Lohan. She had a somewhat promising career after Mean Girls and tossed it all for booze and blow. So when she ventured back into the world of film, she didn’t do the smart thing like Robert Downey, Jr. and make a good movie people could actually enjoy. Instead she went for a ridiculous B-movie that can’t decide what the hell it wants to be, but it did go on to win the Razzie Award for Worst Film of 2008. That’s right, I’m talking about the loathsome I Know Who Killed Me.

First the film starts off as a Lynchian nightmare, dripping with symbolism and random shots, but quickly delves into the realm of torture-porn as perfect student/daughter Aubrey is kidnapped and, well, tortured. When she comes to on the side of the road, she goes by the name of Dakota, claiming to be a stripper who has no memories of the parents or school from Aubrey’s former life, nor ever being kidnapped and tortured. At this point, the movie tries to just play as a straight mystery/suspense/thriller, taking itself way too seriously. The whole of the film has a multiple personality disorder, like Aubrey/Dakota, but I doubt this crappy parallel was intentional.

Highlights of the film include LiLo playing a stripper that doesn’t take her clothes off on stage, LiLo trying to sew her severed middle finger back on with a sewing needle and thread and LiLo pretending to walk around with a fake leg and arm. And I have to mention the gratuitous sex scene between Dakota and Aubrey’s boyfriend who are loudly going at it, while Aubrey’s mother is downstairs ferociously cleaning the kitchen trying to ignore the sounds from her daughter’s bedroom. It’s comedy gold.

The real zinger here is that the title of film is absolutely pointless because NO ONE GETS KILLED! That’s right: the title is a lie, but to make it even worse, it’s also used as a line in the film by Dakota, when she clearly knows she’s not dead.

So congratulations to Ms. Lohan. The most you’ve accomplished since rehab is this film and being Samantha Ronson’s crazy ex.


Alright, you should know what to do by now. This is a good one, honestly. Can't wait to see who wins.

Please, please, please please please please please someone send in a movie for next week? Please?

I hate begging.
-Jason

3 comments:

TJMAC510 said...

AHH both are so horrible. But the sight of Lindsey makes my eyes bleed so ill choose Rachel this time

Rachel said...

Nice! A vote from the reigning champ!

Wings said...

Gonna have to go with the Lohan bomb, because I like midgets too much!