Monday, February 01, 2010

The Bad Movie Ultimate Cage Match #9

A lot of crap is happening this week! WOO!! Here's part 1 of it:

IN THIS CORNER, your challenger, Wings! With:
Bloody Murder!

Trevor Moorehouse isn't screaming bloody murder -- he's committing it! A dozen counselors arrive at Camp Placid Pines and receive a warning from a wizened landscaper: There may be a crazy man in the woods. Of course, they pay no attention until they start disappearing one by one! Has the urban legend come to life to wreak havoc on their dwindling numbers?

Ugh. I think I have a winner for worst movie I have seen this year. This is CRAP! The acting is sub-par, on a level with ... Gah, I have nothing to compare it to. The kids on Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers were better.

The story is weak, a very pale take on the "killer at the lake" that doesn't even hold up. It is such a hodge-podge of stuff that the film feels like multiple people did segements and then they just put it together and hoped it would work. It doesn't.

All this could be forgiven... Well, most of it, had the movie been done in a tongue-in-cheek, "let's poke fun at Friday the 13th" style. But it is played straight. It is meant to be a serious, real slasher pic.

GAH! Just sucks. Sucks. SUCKS! Avoid, believe me. Unless you want to know what NOT to put in your horror movie, then by all means, use this as a "Do Not Do" template.

AND our winner, Rachel with:
I Know Who Killed Me!

It’s rather easy to make fun of Lindsey Lohan. She had a somewhat promising career after Mean Girls and tossed it all for booze and blow. So when she ventured back into the world of film, she didn’t do the smart thing like Robert Downey, Jr. and make a good movie people could actually enjoy. Instead she went for a ridiculous B-movie that can’t decide what the hell it wants to be, but it did go on to win the Razzie Award for Worst Film of 2008. That’s right, I’m talking about the loathsome I Know Who Killed Me.

First the film starts off as a Lynchian nightmare, dripping with symbolism and random shots, but quickly delves into the realm of torture-porn as perfect student/daughter Aubrey is kidnapped and, well, tortured. When she comes to on the side of the road, she goes by the name of Dakota, claiming to be a stripper who has no memories of the parents or school from Aubrey’s former life, nor ever being kidnapped and tortured. At this point, the movie tries to just play as a straight mystery/suspense/thriller, taking itself way too seriously. The whole of the film has a multiple personality disorder, like Aubrey/Dakota, but I doubt this crappy parallel was intentional.

Highlights of the film include LiLo playing a stripper that doesn’t take her clothes off on stage, LiLo trying to sew her severed middle finger back on with a sewing needle and thread and LiLo pretending to walk around with a fake leg and arm. And I have to mention the gratuitous sex scene between Dakota and Aubrey’s boyfriend who are loudly going at it, while Aubrey’s mother is downstairs ferociously cleaning the kitchen trying to ignore the sounds from her daughter’s bedroom. It’s comedy gold.

The real zinger here is that the title of film is absolutely pointless because NO ONE GETS KILLED! That’s right: the title is a lie, but to make it even worse, it’s also used as a line in the film by Dakota, when she clearly knows she’s not dead.

So congratulations to Ms. Lohan. The most you’ve accomplished since rehab is this film and being Samantha Ronson’s crazy ex.

Parts 2 and 3 tomorrow! Somehow! VOTE VOTE VOTE! And participate! I need someone for next week. Please?


whitney said...

I love that poster for Bloody Murder! So cliche and awesome!!

Wings said...

Gah! Up against the Lohan? Uh oh...

Wings said...

I still think my choice is worse! ;)