Monday, January 11, 2010

The Bad Movie Ultimate Cage Match #6

Can Travis last for the FOURTH week in a row? Let's find out!

IN THIS CORNER, the challenger, Nolahn from Bargin Bin Reviews! And his choice:

"First, some perspective: When I say the Bargain Bin Review takes on “the movies no one else will touch,” the movies I’m talking about are the obviously bad direct-to-rental feature films used to help fill the shelves of your local video store. In other words, while we’ve all seen bad movies, I watch them on purpose.

So I know bad movies. Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever is unquestionably a bad movie -- we’re all on the same page here. Ballistic is messy, flatly acted, and worst of all for an action flick, unexciting.

But respectfully, my entrant into the Cage Match is on a whole different level of bad. It is an ugly film.

My entrant is a messy, incompetent, unexciting film made all the uglier by the fact that it is allegedly a comedy. Think “Battlefield Earth trying to be funny in horrific, aggressively unfunny ways,” and you’ll be in the right ballpark.

For your consideration, I give you Rock & Roll Frankenstein.

Yes, that’s Frankenstein dressed as Elvis. Looks like fun, right? Just wait.

Years before I launched the Bargain Bin Review, I tested the waters with a blog called the Bargain Basement Review. Such was my enthusiasm and love for all things so-bad-they’re-good, I actually rated each film on three separate criteria: Cheesiness, Incoherence and Gratuitous Nudity. And it was good. Until I watched this movie.

Here was a film that scored well in my three criteria, yet managed to be the most horrible, joyless movie-viewing experience I've ever had. I felt violated. Not only did this film single-handedly derail my blog, but it took me over a year just to muster the nerve to try again.

So you’ll have to forgive me if I now skip over all the standard elements of a movie review and go straight for the hate letter.

To the creators of Rock & Roll Frankenstein:

I fucking hate you. No, REALLY -- this isn’t some kind of faux-angry rant, I would physically beat you to mush, using a 2x4 with a nail in it, for subjecting unsuspecting world to your “film.”

It’s sad, because you had a great premise: Lazy music producer enlists his pre-med nephew to build a Frankenstein creature from the body parts of famous dead musicians. “Frankenstein Elvis” is a pretty sweet elevator pitch, yet you managed to do unspeakable things to it.

Apparently you weren’t content to settle for bad dialogue, porn-quality acting or sluggish pacing -- you had to make the movie physically painful to watch. I have to wonder, did you aspire to be the next Troma Entertainment? Because you failed. Lloyd Kaufman is f’n Orson Welles compared to you douchebags.

For future reference, the following items -- all played for laughs multiple times in this film -- are not funny:

* Anal rape (and no, I don’t care how big of a prop you use);
* Being gay (Guess what? Over the last 30 years, the rest of us sorted out that gay men are not all lisping serial rapists.);
* Liberace’s penis;
* Talking penises;
* Watching someone argue with their talking penis;
* Watching someone masturbate to pictures of cadavers;
* Piles of dead hamsters encased in condoms, having been killed by being shoved up a character’s ass.

In short, this film is practically an argument for your abortion. You owe me those 88 minutes of my life. I sincerely hope you never make another movie again."

Whoa. Well. Since this is the fourth week it's probably a bit repetitious to post what Travis said about "Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever" So without any hesitation, let's get this cage match going! Good luck to both parties!


Wings said...

Okay, I think you found one to beat the champ! I voted!

TJMAC510 said...

Ya know what? I actually totally agree. I have actually had the displeasure of watching this one and besides the instant winners (like Plan 9 or the room) this is actually a really good movie to beat Ballistic Ecks vs Sever.

Usually as the other contestant I should really argue why mine should win or why its the worst but for three weeks I HAVE proven that. Ive gone on longer than any other person and what Nohlan did (saying and admitting that Ballistic was a horrible movie) was what I wanted all along.

I wanted people to KNOW that Ballistic is one of the worst of movies of all time. I wanted them to KNOW that it belongs in there with the Plan 9's and Room's of the world. I wanted to create awarness so that people would never have to deal with this movie.

Thanks to Jason I have been able to do this and I'm honored to have even been a part of this.

I am ready to lose now...especially to an Elvis Frankenstein. I wouldn't want it any other way
-The Movie Encyclopedia

Fletch said...

So let me get this straight: in one corner, we have the guy that states "reviewing the movies no one else will touch" and in the other corner, we have the guy that states "if no one else will see it, I will."

I think this battle should be for the true title of "guy that will see stuff that others won't." Otherwise, you're both just making yourselves out to be liars.


TJMAC510 said...

Oooohhh Fletch them's fighting words. So your saying whoever wins holds the true title? Now I really don't want to lose...I made a damn T-shirt with that slogan on it....

If it comes down to it at another time we could have a Nohlan vs Travis who really sees everything match.

Nolahn said...

Let's think this out, Fletch... Since neither of us claim that there's nothing that we won't watch (snuff films are all yours, Trav!), then in theory there might be movies that one won't see but the other will. And that would validate both of our claims, no?

I am a Problem Solver! (maybe)

Just as well: I can't tell if Travis and I need a proper battle for the title or just a Venn diagram.

TJMAC510 said...

Yeah sadly I've seen plenty of the ol snuffers and ur not missing anything.

I don't think we need a proper battle. I think (I do at least) that we both can validate the see anything claim

That and as a fan of the bin I don't like to stir the pot.

Fletch said...

Nolanh - your logic lost me. Though a Venn Diagram sounds like a good solution.

Anyway, I was just having fun with you guys.

TJMAC510 said...

actually a diagram is not that bad of an idea haha

But this match is a lot closer than i thought. I read the title of Nohlan's movie and started having Vietnam flashbacks of that movie

Jason Soto said...

Wow. Despite all this chatter here, Travis is winning by one vote! Man! I did get Ballistic from Netflix on Monday and I'm about to check it out later.

TJMAC510 said...

I feel bad now though. Ive won for 3 weeks and Nohlan even admits that Ballistic is bad so chances are when you watch Ballistic you wont think its that bad. Try to watch it without the hype behind it though