This Is The End

(I used the short version of the song. This shouldn't take very long.)

First things first: I been nominated for Funniest Writer over at Cinematic Cat...uh...Katz....uh....this website. Be sure to vote for me!!

So as you probably know, I kept saying Invasion of the B Movies was going away and there'd be no more reviews here? Well...that was all true.

BUT! If you listened to the episode of The Lair I posted last night (and if you didn't shame on you) then you already know this but in off chance you need to read things with your own words...

I'm quitting Invasion of the B Movies to join up with my friends Nick Jobe and Nolahn and we're gonna have a website called Your Face! Basically, I'll still be watching shitty horror movies, just somewhere else. And Nick will do his own thing and Nolahn will do his own thing...just in a shared space. And we got some new stuff planned for you as well!

So I hope you follow along over there! Thanks for reading and let's not think of this as goodbye but the end of a chapter and the start of another.

Your Face!

-Jason

The Lair of the Unwanted #47: Rockula Me Amadeus

Edit: Podomatic is being a dick right now. Here's the direct link to the page.

ATTENTION ALL LISTENERS!! THERE IS A SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT IN THIS EPISODE THAT YOU NEED TO PAY ATTENTION TO!!! LISTEN TO THIS EPISODE IMMEDIATELY!

Now that I got that out, in this episode we are joined by Nick Jobe of Random Ramblings of a Demented Doorknob as he, along with me and Nolahn, make a SHOCKING announcement! Then we discuss the cheesy film "Rockula" and Nick takes on The Game of the Unwanted!

Jacques Brel is Alive and Well and Living in Paris

Here we are, folks. The final review ever at Invasion of the B-Movies. It's been an amazing seven years but all things must come to an end I suppose. I know there was a lot of debate on what my final review was going to be. I almost went with "High School Musical 3" but then I remembered something. Something from my past.

Way back in 2006, just shy of the one-year anniversary of the site, I asked all my friends to suggest movies I should review. I got some good ones, I got some lame shit like "BILLY MADISON"! and then I got THE request to end all requests. And it came from my friend and former Mass Invader April. She said ten words that will forever change our relationship for the next 6 and a half years.

"Jacques Brel is Alive and Well and Living in Paris!"

I said "Hm. That's an interesting title. I WILL DO IT!"

One request from Netflix later and the disc arrived at my house. I watched about 30 minutes of it and did something I hardly ever do: turned it off. I couldn't watch anymore. I came online and said as much to April, who basically called me a pussy. Since then, ANYTIME I ask for suggestions she would throw this movie back at me. So then I believe one day I said to her "I tell you what. If I ever stop doing Invasion of the B Movies, 'Jacques Brel' will be my final review ever. Then I will kill myself."

Here we are: the final review. And true to my word "Jacques Brel" it is. Sorry, horror movie fans. I guess we'll just have to see what Human Centipede 3 is like later. But for now, let's dive into this amazing shit-fest, shall we?

First off: who the fuck is Jacques Brel? Good question. He was a singer/songwriter who, much like Jerry Lewis, made it big in France because why not? This film I'm going to attempt to talk about is sort of a visual interpretation of his songs. Got it? Now take all that and forget it cause it has absolutely nothing to do with the movie.

Maybe the movie takes place in Paris, it's never really said. You know what? I know it's my last review but I don't think I can do this movie justice. Let's just rip off Wikipedia and see what it says about it.

"Jacques Brel Is Alive and Well and Living in Paris is an American musical revue of the songs of Jacques Brel. It was filmed in 1975."

...

Well fuck.

ALRIGHT! For the final time ever, here's my Dash Style! Here we go!

-Film starts off with some street hippies, lead by a guy who looks like Barry Gibb, attacking a cab and then a guy waiting for a date.
-It starts raining and a girl with nice tits gets her shirt wet so we see those.
-The hippies go into a theater where we meet three reoccuring characters: A Lady, The Cab Driver, and The Army Guy. They are watching a marionette play that's happening in front of a movie screen while World War II footage plays.
-The marionettes resemble the Lady, The Cab Driver, and The Army Guy. After the play, it turns into "The Langoliers" and the entire audience but our main three characters vanish.
-All three roam around the theater and find themselves locked in and the puppeteer is dead.
-There's a giant hand hanging overhead and it falls. This symbolizes something I'm sure.
-Eventually they manage to get outside where the loudest tornado siren starts blasting, and I live in Indiana. The Army Guy kung fu's the siren until it explodes.
-Then it jumps to The Lady singing a sad song.
-Then it jumps to a statue singing a sad song.
-Then it jumps to the Cab Driver singing a sad song.

Ok, there's a lot of sad songs, mixed in with songs that represent things from Jesus to being in the army to the death of a little girl. That's all this entire movie is, just songs. There's no plot to this movie whatsoever. I have said in the past that movies haven't had a plot but this, FUCKING THIS, has ZERO plot! There's just people and singing. And some cute girls. Oh and Jacques Brel singing in French. Wonderful.

The only accomplishment I have with this movie is that I finished it. I actually watched THE ENTIRE thing. This movie...fuck man. This is a tough movie to get through. I GUESS you need to be a fan of Jacques Brel to like this movie but...I consider myself a fan of The Beatles and I BARELY got through "Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band". AND I had two friends watch and review that with me. So that's probably going to be tough.

I gotta say, I picked a doozy of a film to end this website on. But I had to and now...that's it. I have nothing else to say about this movie. It sucks. SUCKS! JUST FUCKING SUCKS! UGGGHH!!!!!!

FUCK THIS MOVIE!! FUCK THIS MOVIE SO HARD THAT I HOPE THE WORLD JUST FUCKING EXPLODES AS A RESULT OF THIS MOVIE BEING FUCKED SO HARD!!!! I have never heard a Jacques Brel song before and I hope I never do! IF I EVER hear one, I will probably burst into flame and kill any motherfuckers that are in my path!! FUCK THIS MOVIE

FUCK THIS MOVIE!

FUCK!!! THIS!!! MOVIE!!!!!!!!



So anyway, thanks everybody for spending seven years reading all my crap. It's a bit sad this is the end but hey, what ya gonna do, huh? To tie everything together, here's a pretty sad song originally sung by Jacques Brel but I think it fits well in this situation.




Until we meet again!
-Jason Soto

Ice Cream Man

Ah..."Ice Cream Man". This is one of those movies that's nostalgic for me. Let me set the scene. It's summer 1997. I decide to spend the night at my friend Bill's house and as per usual, we rent a bunch of crappy horror movies at the video that was was literally a block away from his house. One of those movies was "Ice Cream Man".

Ever since I seen this movie, I wanted to present it to the world. I did what's probably the geekiest thing ever by doing my own version of "Mystery Science Theater 3000" and sold copies of that. I wanted to do "Ice Cream Man" on my version but never got around to it. Then I created Invasion of the B Movies and always had this movie in the back of my head to review some day. Now that we're in the home stretch of me closing up the site, I figured it was about time I got around to it.

And boy...is this movie a doozy.

First off, let's talk about the cast! It features the following people and I'm not making any of this up:
Clint Howard
David Naughton
Olivia Hussey
Jan Michael Vincent
Lee Majors 2 cause they needed a sequel apparently
David Warner
And motherfucking Doug Llewelyn!! I'm not fucking joking!

My brain can't handle this cast, man!

Anyway, the film starts in the '50s before color was invented (cause the scene is in black and white) and an ice cream man is making a stop outside a house when some laughable stereotypical gangsters show up and shoot him down. It's never explained why this happened so don't look at me for the answer. Anyway, a kid shows up, kinda unfazed by this and simply asks "Who's gonna deliver the ice cream now?"

Flash forward to, I guess, present day and that kid grew up to be Clint Howard. Clint, playing Gregory, is clearly not right in the head. He freaks out all the kids in line waiting for ice cream, and there's rats and roaches crawling around all over the ice cream. Eh, it's nothing I haven't seen before from working at McDonald's for ten years.

Anyway.

We meet our main group of kids cause you know this movie is gonna focus on a main group of kids. There's Johnny the typical bland kid with the bland name, Heather the only girl in the group, Tuna the "fat" kid, and Small Paul, a small kid.

I wanna talk about Tuna for a minute. The kid they hired to play him was clearly not fat but his character needed to be fat for a number of reasons that really didn't amount to anything out of some lame fat jokes. So their solution was to have the kid wear OBVIOUS PADDING UNDER HIS CLOTHES! But didn't do anything to his face, arms, or legs. Cause only fat people get fat in the stomach. Right...

Anyway, Johnny is left alone in the park and Gregory shows up, acting creepy towards Johnny. Next thing you know, it's discovered he's gone missing! LE GASP! And inside Gregory's freezer is blood! AND AN EYEBALL! Oh and Gregory puts an eyeball in one of the cops ice cream and the cop doesn't seem to notice! Eww!

Anyway, turns out Johnny isn't really dead. He just saw Gregory killing a random dude at the park and he got scared and hid out for 24 hours. Meanwhile we dive into the life of the other kids. David Warner is a priest who does weird hypnotism to Heather's mom (Never explained). David Naughton is Tuna's dad who is cheating on Tuna's mom with the town slut. I sense a bad moon rising here, let me tell you. Jan Michael Vincent and Lee Majors 2: Lee Majors Harder are the cops and Olivia Hussey is Gregory's crazy nurse. And despite this, she's still hot! Explain that!

So because this movie is told from the kids point of view, the kids know that Gregory is a crazy killer but none of the adults either notice or believe them. There's a hilarious scene where Tuna is running from Gregory in a grocery store, so he simply hides underneath tables and one point he hides underneath a cart. That would be fine if the cart was covered but it was open and EVERYBODY COULD SEE HIM UNDERNEATH THE CART! Including the lady pushing the cart! Why she didn't just stop and say "Uh...what are you doing fake fat kid?"

Anyway, the cops eventually believe Tuna because the script calls for it and they immediately get a warrant and go searching...his warehouse where he makes the ice cream! And this was a funny scene was it was literally just cops running around, knocking things over for no real reason and then shrugging their shoulders going "Eh, nothing here. Let's go!"

But Gregory apparently seen "Bad Ronald" and knows how to hide kids! Cause he has kidnapped Paul Wall!!

Er no. Small Paul. Apparently because Small Paul reminds Gregory of himself as a kid. Uh oh!

With Small Paul missing, the rest of the kids, who call themselves Rocketeers, decide to do something about this and rescue him! This involves following him and taking pictures of all the blood inside his truck. THE TRUCK! Why didn't cops check inside the truck?! Whatever.

Apparently the camera they used to take the pictures belongs to Johnny's older brother, who took some sex photos of him and his big nosed girlfriend. Nothing ever came of either sets of pictures. Then we get the weirdest scene and for this movie that's saying something.

The two cops decide to check out Gregory's past and find out he use to stay at an asylum called Wishing Well. The cops go there and try to talk to the doctor but he's distracted by a patient...then it's revealed that the doctor is really a patient...and all the crazy people have killed all the doctors! So the cops slowly, and I do mean slowly, walk out of the building. There wasn't even the feeling of them being threatened, they just kinda roamed around and at one point separated for some reason, then escaped. Alrighty then.

Things ramp up a bit when Gregory starts going crazy and kills pretty much everybody that insults him somehow. He kills David Naughton for calling his truck a hunk of junk, then he kills the slutty chick for...being slutty? I guess? But then we get this wonderful image:

I love this movie. As much crap as it gives to me, I love it. I guess this is like an abusive relationship. BUT I LOVE IT SO MUCH NO MATTER HOW MUCH IT BEATS ME!!!

The kids have had enough and decide it's time to fight back! Gregory accepts this challenge and manages to grab Tuna while riding his bike and lock him in a freezer. Johnny and Heather follow him back to the warehouse where they are chased by Gregory. Eventually, Small Paul has had enough of playing Bad Ronald and remembers something in saw in a "Friday the 13th" film and uses a picture of the old dead Ice Cream Guy from the '50s to lure Gregory away from the kids and into a giant mixer, where he's chopped up into a million pieces. Yum.

Later, when it's fall, Tuna lost weight (AKA the kid took off the padding) and reveals that Paul is now in therapy, where surely he's gonna be the NEXT Ice Cream Man!! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

This movie sounds terrible and yes it is fucking terrible but it's oh so much fun at the same time. It's fun to see Clint Howard in a lead role, even if it's a creepy serial killer with a gravelly voice. All the random B-Z list celebrities in this movie is a hoot, and it's just some good dumb fun. And it's pretty safe for kids, honestly. There's SOME blood but if you know kids who are into gory shit, this is probably the film for him. And you ALMOST see boobies so there ya go. Perfect movie for kids.



-Jason

The Answers For The Final Contest Ever!

Alright everybody! The final contest is now over with! Before I reveal who won, let's get to the part you really care about: the answers! I gotta admit, I was shocked that nobody got the beauty behind me placing the 13th image where I did. But anyway here we go:

 1.

The Cabin in The Woods

2.

Jennifer's Body

3.

An American Werewolf In London

4.

Fido

5.

Leprechaun

6.

Undead

7.

Mardi Gras Massacre

8.

Feast

9.

The People Under The Stairs

10.

Shark Attack 3: Megaladon

11.

Frankenhooker

12.

The Shining

13.

Friday the 13th Part 6: Jason Lives

14.

Return of the Living Dead

15.

Ax'Em

I had a pretty decent turn out for this and I'd like to thank everybody for doing so! Starting from the bottom up:

Dylan and Bubbawheat-4

The Great White Dope, Sean, and Nolahn-7

The Vern-8

Kai-9

And the winner with 11 is...

MR. NICHOLAS JOBE!! Congratulations!! I will contact you soon about your prize and whatnot!! 

Thanks again for everybody who played, this was kinda fun!

-Jason

Silent Night

I found out through some friends of mine that there was a remake of one of my favorite horror films "Silent Night Deadly Night". I wasn't even aware such a thing happened so I immediately seeked it out to see for myself what that would be like. And let me just say this: this is as much of a remake of "Silent Night Deadly Night" as the 2004 version of "Dawn of the Dead" is a remake of the 1978 version. Both take place in a mall but that's about where the simularities end.

Same for here. Both movies is about a guy dressed up as Santa Claus killing naughty people and that's about it. Gone is the whole parents getting killed by a rapist Santa, gone is the evil bitch of a nun, gone is the whole montage of our main character working in a toy store.

So what DO we get?

The film opens up with our Killer Klaus putting his suit on, along with a creepy Santa mask. Nearby he's got a chick tied up and a dude tied up with Christmas lights in the basement. Klaus goes into the basement and electrocutes the dude.

Then we meet Aubrey, a deputy in this small town in Wisconsin. Aubrey is dealing with the death of her husband (not related to the plot) and wants the day off. But I guess the guy we saw get electrocuted was another deputy who was suppose to work for her so he's not coming in. Sheriff Malcolm McDowell is a royal dick in this movie and makes Aubrey work.

Aubrey is getting ready for work by doing a crossword puzzle and she can't figure out a 9 letter word for a six-sided object. Hmmm....surely this is going to important later on in the movie because she brings it up THREE OTHER TIMES! OOH!! Maybe whatever the answer is it'll be used as a weapon to kill Killer Klaus! I can't wait!!

Anyway, Aubrey goes into work and soon starts getting calls about a disturbing Santa! But it's not our Killer Klaus! This disturbed Santa is played by Donal Logue! And he seems to hate Christmas! And he tells all the kids just as much! So Santa Donal meets with Aubrey, who isn't very impressed with him and he doesn't give a fuck!

Meanwhile we meet a shit ton of people who you know are going to get killed like a slutty chick named Tiffany, the pervist priest I've ever seen, and oh my fucking god the MOST over the top bratty kid I've ever seen in any movie ever. She knocks heart pills out of her mother's hands and goes "YOU FUCKING BITCH TAKE ME TO THE FUCKING MALL RIGHT NOW!!" And this girl is suppose to be like 10 or something. Holy fuck this girl was awesome! Too bad Killer Klaus shows up and cattle prods the fuck out of her.

The best kill is probably the porn shoot. A guy is taking pics of a naked chick and Killer Klaus shows up, killing the photographer and his assistant. The naked chick manages to escape and is running around outside, topless. Ugh, naked in Wisconsin on Christmas Eve. Surprised her nipples didn't manage to bust through a door or something.

Anyway, the naked chick is running around when she comes across a woodchipper. Now, I'm sure you've seen "Fargo" so you can imagine where this goes but this scene is really brutal and kinda fucking awesome at the same time, I won't lie. You need to see this movie JUST for the woodchipper scene.

All the calls about all the murders are coming into the police station. Aubrey finds the first victims in a house and gets Sheriff Malcolm McDowell involved and like I said earlier, he acts like a royal dickhead the entire time. They eventually figure out that a guy dressed like Santa is doing all the killings. What cliches this theory is when they find the videotape from the porn shoot and see him.

Problem? The town is overrun by Santa's because of a Santa Contest happening later that night! UH OH!

So back to that 9 letter word for six sided object? You know what it ends up being? SNOWFLAKE! So...yeah that was anti-climatic.

Sheriff McDowell thinks it's Santa Donal and arrests him. And this was a great scene cause Donal just went off and gave a two minute monologue about why Christmas sucks. It was great. So eventually, Aubrey figures out that they got the wrong guy and that the real Killer Klaus is after her dad!!!

Wait, what?

It's explained later but pretty much our current Killer Klaus had a father who went nuts on Christmas Eve and Aubrey's dad killed him, so now our current Killer Klaus wants revenge. But before that, we get a couple of tributes to the original film when some punk rocker visits his catatonic grandfather in a hospital and the grandfather tells him to watch out for Santa Claus! Then the slutty chick Tiffany is about to give a blow job to the punk rocker when our Killer shows up and kills her in the same fashion as Linnea Quigley in the original. Aw but Linnea Quigley was nice enough to show her tits!

The Killer Klaus also kills the pervy priest, right in front of an old lady. And for some reason he kills the Mayor, even though he didn't do anything wrong. So now that half the town is dead, it's time for the showdown of the century! Aubrey vs Killer Klaus!!

Killer Klaus kills Sheriff McDowell and Santa Donal and squares off agains Aubrey, who is pissed that Killer Klaus killed her father. They fight for a bit until she grabs his flame thrower and lights the fucker on fire!! OOH!!! But this doesn't kill him, just maims him. And that's it. The end!

Like I said, this isn't really a remake of the original. It's just a movie about a killer Santa with two scenes similar to the original and a tribute to the second film (What is this, garbage day?) and I think the movie could've been a bit more campy and humorous considering the source material. But if you ignore all of that and take it at face value, it's a very entertaining film and probably one of the best horror movies out there lately. If only ALL remakes were like this.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!



-Jason

2012

So today is the day the world is suppose to end. I don't know if I should bother writing this review since no one will be able to read it. I could print it out and then arrange a time at a public place to read this review. Let's say...top of the Sears Tower at 2 PM Central Time! Deal? Deal!

HELLO FELLOW PEOPLE WHO HAVE SURVIVED THE END OF THE WORLD WITH ME! How's it hanging? You get here ok? I bet you WISH you had Apple Maps now, huh? Anyway, we are gathered here today at my new living quarters, which I will rename The Soto Tower to hear one of the last few reviews I will ever write! This, my servants friends, is the review of the documentary "2012" and how the world has ended.

This documentary stars a man named John Cusack, who is indeed a popular man. He has time traveled, been a emo poet, and owned a record shop, just to name a few of his previous journeys. And apparently his contract states he must get soaking wet in EVERY movie he ever does. Before meeting John, we meet some scientist guys all the way in 2009 who discovered the Earth's crust is starting to melt away into nothingness. One of the scientists, Adrian, realizes they have three years to do something about that.

Adrian tells Oliver Platt about this and Oliver Platt suddenly sees dollar signs and decides to design what he calls "arks" and charge $1 billion (in Euros for some weird reason....why the fuck in Euros? I never understood this...) to reserve a spot in this "ark". Meanwhile some Chinese people are selected to build the ark.

Now, my friends, we are in present day, 2012. In fact, if I remember correct, at this point in the film it was just a few days ago and we meet John Cusack, who apparently was also a failed writer. He now drives limos, is divorced because he thought it was a good idea to marry Amanda Peet (has he not seen the classic documentary "Saving Silverman"? If he did, he would learn how big of a bitch she is), and he is late to picking up his two kids.

The two kids have grown more attached to their new step-father Gordon because...he's not a failed writer? Because he's a plastic surgeon? Yeah, that's a positive role model.

"My dad writes books that makes people think and question their morality and gives them positive attitudes? Fuck that! THIS GUY GIVES FAKE BOOBIES TO SLUTS!!!! WOO!!!!"

Anyway, John Cusack picks up his kids and they drive to Yellowstone National Park to meet Yogi Bear, Boo Boo, and Woody Harrelson. Woody, who smoked too much hemp, loves pickles and talks on a Ham Radio about the end of the world. John listened to this and laughed it off...until he discovered a lake has dried up and a bunch of military guys have taken it over.

Adrian is leading these military guys and he happens to be a HUGE fan of John Cusack! After signing autographs on DVD's of "Better Off Dead" and "One Crazy Summer", Adrian lets him leave. After this encounter, John decides to listen to what Woody has to say about the world ending. Since we here have survived what happened, I won't go into extreme-

Oh, you're not sure what happened? Ok, I'll explain quickly. Then get back to carving my throne out of this gold I got from Fort Knox.

So there was this enlignment of all the planets that happens every 64,000 years and this enlignment, along with other stuff that I'm too tired to remember right now will cause the Earth to freak out and cause total destruction. That's why I chose The Soto Tower to live and have this meeting because it's the only place NOT covered in lava.

Anyway, John laughed this off and went back home with his kids. Meanwhile the Earth was like "Laugh at me, huh?! I'll make Amanda Peet jiggle!" And lo' it did. The kids are back home and John is late picking up some rich Russians. The government got word that the end of the world is happening NOW GOD DAMMIT NOW and placed the call for all people who bought their way onto arks to start boarding. This includes this Russian family.

Some other things to mention: Danny Glover is president and Thandie Newton is his daughter. And you know Thandie and Adrian are gonna hook up at some point. Even if he is the last man on Earth. BOOM! Nailed it.

(At this point, all my followers should be laughing at this obviously hilarious joke.)

John finds out the Russians are heading to the ark and remembering what Woody said earlier, he realizes maybe it wasn't the hemp talking. Soon, a giant Earthquake hits California and John moves into action! He drives a limo like it's a fucking souped up sports cars to Amanda Peet's house, picks up his family and Gordon, and does a "Vanishing Point" to the airport, where a plane is waiting.

The pilot John hired died in the Earthquake so he makes Gordon fly cause breast implants is sort of the same like flying if you squint your eyes and think about it. And despite Gordon saying he only flew once, he flies like he played a flight simulator on a hand held gaming device and there are MOTHERFUCKING SNAKES ON THIS MOTHERFUCKING PLANE!!

Anyway, they fly to Yellowstone, which apparently has an airfield, and John finds Woody, totally high off his ass. The Earthquake hits Yellowstone, John finds a map where all the arks are being built and after a twenty minute action sequence where John JUMPS A FUCKING RV LIKE A SOUPED UP RACE CAR OVER A FUCKING CANYON, they fly away.

Where do they fly? VEGAS BABY!!

There, they meet up with the Russians who agree to take John and his family if they let Gordon co-pilot this plane the Russians have. Where are they going? CHINA BABY!!

Meanwhile Oliver Platt acts like a douche but at the same time you kinda see his point in things. The movie tries WAY to hard to make him a villain by insisting all the people chosen for the ark are smart good looking people....who just happen to be rich.

Ok, let's be real for a minute. Who do you think the government picked to save when the end of the world happened earlier today? The smart good looking people...who happen to be rich. That's why we're all here. For every rich nation there has to be the lower class citizens. I mean look at history. Just look at it. Why should the end of the world be any different than all of history?

Plus, Oliver Platt mentioned that the money given to them to buy a way onto the ark was used...to build the ark! That makes sense!! If someone told me "hey Jason there's going to be NICE house you can live in...but you have to give me a million dollars so we can build it for you" I would be like "Here's an extra million I looted from the bank earlier today. BUILD IT SLAVE!!"

What are you waiting for? I mean....

On this Russian plane is a bunch of 2013 cars that the Russian had made only for him. Show off. I now OWN the tallest building in Chicago....or what USE to be the tallest building...in what use to be Chicago...Anyway.

There's several touching moments where John wants to get back with Amanda Peet and try to win his kids love back but until John puts silicone into Kim Kardashian's boobs, they'll just stick their middle fingers at him.

Update: President Danny Glover died while saving regular people. Adrian, Thandie Newton, and Oliver Platt are now arriving at the arks. Adrian is pissed off that there's no "regular" people on this ark and he hates his room. Whatever, dude. I have a whole tower.

Now I know how Nick Jobe feels.

The Russians fly to China but their engines shut down because why not? They crash land but during a weird sequence involving one of the cars everyone but the Russian pilot survives. This grabs the attention of some Chinese military who only take the Russian dude and his kids. He leaves behind his Russian skank because she cheated on him with the pilot.

Anyone here Russian? I could go for a Russian skank right now? No? Hm.

Anyway, the rest roam around China for a bit until they come across a Tibetan monk and his grandparents. Apparently the monk's brother helped build the arks and they're gonna sneak on. John and Amanda begs them to tag along, then begs the brother to let them on. Of course they get on the ark, it's John Cusack and Amanda Peet! AND A PLASTIC SURGEON!! OMG!!!

This movie was already 89 million hours long and they just extended the running time by inventing a problem to drag out the last 20 minutes. While sneaking on the ark, the monk's brother causes something to fall into a gear, which jams a door, which causes the ark's engine not to turn on. Adrian gives his own version of the "THIS IS OUR...INDEPENDENCE DAY!" speech and convinces the other arks to let regular people on the arks ALONG with the rich good looking smart people.

Oh shit..we totally could've been on those boats. FUCK!

Oh well, Soto Tower it is!

So the door won't close, water is rushing in, and of course it's up to John Cusack to save the day. They manage to fix the jam and save what's left of humanity. A month later, they're able to walk outside for the first time and find out the only country that survived this whole thing? Africa. I...don't know what this means. I'm sure it's suppose to be symbolic or something. OH! And the Russian family re-introduce Communism by telling the other kids "what's ours is yours too!" I know this COULD be called "sharing" but....c'mon! That's too much of a coincidence, don't ya think?!

Anyway, the world is fucked and this long ass movie finally comes to a closed. I know people seem to give Roland Emmerich shit for making these kind of movies but you have to admit, they are dumb fun. I don't watch these movies to think or look for Oscar worthy performances. I KNOW the London Olympics don't happen in December but just shut up, ok?! I just want to be entertained for awhile. Is that so wrong? Sure, this movie is LOADED with problems and is pretty stupid. But it's a fun ride and it's great to look at.

So anyway, now that the world has ended and I am now your new king, what say you all make me dinner? I'm hungry for...pizza! Give me the finest pizza! CHOP CHOP!!



-King Jason Soto,
New Ruler of The World