You picked it, you got it. Here's my gut-wrenching review of the Paris Hilton Opus, "The Hottie and the Nottie".
After watching this movie, I know now what kind of sense of humor Paris Hilton has, since she did some kind of producing gig on this, which means everything that happened in this movie went by her first and she said "yeah, whatever, just include shots of my body. That's hot."
Oddly enough, it's not AS bad as you think it is. It's not good by any means, but I was expecting Uwe Boll-level of torture.
The movie focuses around Nate, who falls in love with Cristabelle, Paris Hilton's character, immedately in the first grade. But Cristabelle has a friend named June, who is the "nottie" in this equation. They show these characters as children and the kid playing Nate was really weird looking. Like his eyes were on the side of his face or something. And they really put on the ugly makeup on Kiddie June by having her entire nose like bleeding or something. I don't get the point of that, but whatever.
Flashforward to 20 years and Nate is in Maine, for some odd reason, and is going through a breakup with his girlfriend, who grabs his guitar and smashes it over him. She leaves, taking a single dresser drawer (cause that's funny according to Paris Hilton), then not only wrote "LOSER" on his car but proceeds to run him over with her car, which looks like the kind a car a douchebag guy would drive. Instead of getting killed, he survives and realizes he needs to track down Cristabelle. This involves going to L.A, which is I guess where he's from.
So he arrives in L.A in his Loser-mobile and meets up with his old friend Arno, who still lives with his mom. Arno has been keeping a creepy database on the whereabouts of Cristabelle, knowing when she goes for her morning jog and where she eats breakfast.
Nate arrives on a part of the beach where Cristabelle runs by and he meets an albino and a dude in a wedding suit. These are Cristabelle's stalkers. When Cristabelle runs by, you can expect a slow-motion shot of her perfectness bouncing down the sidewalk. Nate runs behind her and tries to sniff her hair, but she notices this and stops and as a result they go crashing into the sand.
Nate reminds Cristabelle who he is and she's like "cool" and they go grab breakfast. Nate asks her out and she says the timing is bad cause she made a promise to herself to stop fucking random people until her roommate June can get a guy. And of course she's still ugly as all hell. And this, my friends, is the plot for the remainder of the movie: A dude wants to bone Paris Hilton but he has to find a desperate loser for June.
And they don't spare any gross routine when it comes to June. Her hair is thin and stringy, she's got moles and acne everywhere, ugly teeth, and hair everywhere. It's like someone asked Paris Hilton to describe her worst nightmare and they took it seriously.
Nate's friend Arno, who keeps calling June "the Nottie" but it sounds like "Naughty", tries to help out by offering weird pieces of advice. Nate comes up with an idea to get a guy to date June. He puts up a flyer advertising for people willing to subject themselves to medical experiments. One guy calls and Nate tells him what he has to do. Oh and he has to be called "Cole Slawson", cause of a thing that happened when Nate and Cristabelle were out on a picnic. It's not really important.
Anyway "Cole" shows up and immedately throws up in his mouth on the sight of June. Nate keeps offering money to keep Cole there, so Cole starts downing a bottle of Jack Daniels. Just as Cole gets the courage to boink June, her infected toenaile flies off her foot somehow and lands in his mouth. Cole then jumps in the ocean and swims away.
Back and Cristabelle and June's place, they all drink and talk about how ugly June is. And that's all everyone does throughout the whole movie is just talk about how ugly she is. It's like they think we don't get it or something. Dude, it's called "The Hottie and the Nottie", I think we get it.
Nate then gives June a spa makeover package deal, which costs $2000. Jeez, where is he getting all this money from? Was his parents rich or something? Anyway, they see how depressed June is getting, and Nate really wants to munch on Paris' vajayjay, so he amps it up a notch in the weirdest scene I've ever seen.
Somehow Nate found Cole and has him tied up in a chair. Nate and Arno are putting weird wires on his body, then they hold up a picture of a model, I think it was Christine Brinkley but I wasn't sure and when Cole started drooling, Nate shocked him, saying "NO!". Then he showed a picture of June all ugly-fied and gave him ice cream, to make him think good things. But this isn't working, so it's time for hypnosis.
They tell Cole under hypnosis that anytime he sees June, he thinks he sees some hot alien chick that he wants to boink. And they come up with a trigger phrase to turn this off. So let's count how many movies we've ripped off. "There's Something About Mary", "A Clockwork Orange", and now "Shallow Hal". Oh and possibly "10 Things I Hate About You". Anyway the phrase is "I love midget mimes", which isn't common enough so it should work. And if you think that, you need to see more movies.
So all four go out on a date again at some pier in L.A, and Cole can't stop drooling over Jane, calling her a hot alien chick. And wouldn't you know it, there's a midget mime. And also wouldn't you know it, a little girl says "I love midget mimes!", which turns off Cole's hypnosis and he runs away at the sight of June.
The midget mime calls June up and draws her picture, but he put her face on the body of a horse. Before Nate can do anything, a young strapping guy comes up and dwarf tosses the guy. This is Johann and he shows interest in June. And he's just the perfect guy.
He's got a nice house, he's from "Europe" (Yes just "Europe"), he went to Harvard, he's a dentist, he helps out needy children, he's a model, and he can fly planes. Nate is jealous and Arno tells him that he's just using June as a backdoor to get to Cristabelle, so Nate has to constantly one-up him, including stopping him from taking his shirt off.
So of course two different times, Johann tries to take his shirt off and Nate tackles him. And during all this, June is finally doing something about the ugly stick she got beat with. She's seeing a dermatologist to remove all the warts and acne. She saw a foot guy to get her feet checked out, and she got some laser hair removal thing. Oh and Johann offered to fixed her teeth.
GASP! WHA?? You mean the Nottie is slowly turning into...A HOTTIE??? What will this mean for Nate? Is he slowly falling for June? NO!!
Yeah, you see everything coming right away. And you know Johann is up to something but we don't know what. When Nate tackled Johann, Cristabelle got pissed at Nate's jealousy and told him to leave. Three weeks later, Arno set Nate up with June and yep, she's a total hottie now. She doesn't look hideous and Nate is impressed. And of course more scenes of him falling more in love with June.
June invites Nate to a costume party and he dresses up like Speed Racer while Johann dresses up like...a dentist. Ok. Johann tells Nate that tonight's the night he's gonna do June a favor and de-virginize her and that's pretty much it. Nate is apalled that anyone would just have sex with a girl and leave her, much like what he was gonna do to...Cristabelle. Hm. Way to think about that, movie.
Cristabelle comes in wearing a wedding dress, farting up a storm, and acting drunk. We find out later she was testing Nate to see if he really loved her, but considering he's punching Johann for using June, I'd think he has the hots for June instead, but I didn't produce this movie so what the fuck do I know?
Nate and Cristabelle are alone and she puts on a skimpy outfit, so skimpy the guy playing Nate is like "FUCK! Why does the script have me NOT boning the shit out of her right now???" Instead, Nate confesses his love for June, who is trying to get out of being used by Johann.
Nate runs to Johann's looking for June but she's gone. Nate goes to the pier we were at earlier and she's there. Earlier, June gave this speech about how she's not the girl guys get out of breath for, but here since Nate was running he's out of breath, which turns June on. They kiss and...that's it. End movie.
The only bad thing about this movie is how predictable it is. You know from the start Nate isn't gonna get with Paris, she's just there to look hot. And the instant they mentioned June was doing something about her looks, you knew what was coming. I mean, hell, I've seen my fair share of John Hughes movies, I just knew how this was gonna end.
But the acting was pretty bad and not just from Paris. The dude playing Nate was also the main dude from "Hatchet", which is a pretty decent movie. But here, he's just bad. I'm guessing he didn't even bother with this one. Well anyway, I got one Paris Hilton Razzie out of the way, onto the next!
-Jason
