Sunday, November 15, 2009


(OK, this review was written a long ass time ago. It was pretty much when "Gigli" came out on DVD. I posted it on my old website "Friday Night Video Review" (I should do something like that again. Did I do a parenthesis in a parenthesis? I need help). I'm telling you all of this cause no matter how many times I re-read this review, I can't think of any better way to re-word this. And I do refuse to watch this movie again. So here it is in all it's half-assed written glory.)

The later half of 2003 was spent by people going on and on about how bad the movie "Gigli" was, making certain individuals wonder, "Could it really be that bad?" I mean, there's Jennifer Lopez. Oh and Ben Affleck. And, how cute, they're dating AND made a movie together. It can't be that bad, right?

Let me put it this way, I rather have all my teeth removed and replaced with candycorn, which is the worst tasting candy ever, then have to watch this again. And if anyone makes me watch this again, I'm either going to have to kill them or myself. With that done, let's get on with it, shall we?

Affleck is Gigli, Larry Gigli, which rhymes with "Really". He is a "contractor" working for this odd looking guy named Louis. Louis wants Gigli to kidnap this "Mentally handicapped" kid.

The reason for the kidnapping? Ok, try to follow me on this. Some guy in New York named Starkman is on trial. This kid that Gigli is gonna kidnap is the little brother of the prosecutor. And if his brother is kidnapped, apparently, there isn't going to be a case.

So Gigli picks up Brian, the kid, at the place other kids like him live and takes him. Brian is obsessed with going to "The Baywatch" and if you say "You wanna watch Baywatch" he'll call you an idiot. So Gigli and Brian goes to Gigli's apartment when J. Lo's character shows up.

She gives the fake name Ricki and was also hired by Louis to watch Gigli because this is really important to Louis and he doesn't trust Gigli. Gigli, being a very typical guy, falls for Ricki. But Ricki states that she's a lesbian and it's hands off.

Christopher Walken makes an appearance as some nameless cop that Gigli knows, who reveals the plot about the prosecutor, and pretty much just leaves.

Gigli, Ricki, and Brian sit around some more and talk about relationships and yoga and why Ricki's a lesbian and why Gigli's an ass, and lord only knows what cause my mind went numb.

Finally, they leave the house and at a restaurant somewhere Gigli loses his cool with some kids playing punk music, but Ricki tells them some story about how the chinese poke people's eyes out and that shuts them up. Then Gigli gets a call from his mom wanting him to come over.

Gigli's mom is played by the chick who played the mother in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding", at least I think it's her, and she's one of those middle aged/going on old aged women who refused to age and gets botox injections in her ass, which is the reason why she called Gigli. She makes him bring Ricki and Brian in when Brian comes to the door asking to go pee. Mrs. Gigli thinks Larry and Ricki make a good couple and when finding out about Ricki being a lesbian, she hits on her, which is just creepy for everyone.

Gigli, Ricki, and Brian go back home, talk for another 45 minutes, when Ricki says "Hell with it, we'll have sex" and they proceed to do so. It should also be noted here that Brian not only likes The Baywatch, he likes rap music and Australian accents.

Louis calls the next day saying he wants Gigli to cut off the kid's thumb and send it to the kid's brother. While discussing that, some weird psycho chick shows up. She turns out to be Ricki's ex-girlfriend, Robin. Robin refuses to let Ricki go and she goes into Gigli's kitchen and slits her wrists.

After taking Robin to the hospital, both Ricki and Gigli realize that they don't really wanna cut Brian's thumb off, so they come up with a plan. Ricki distracts some lab guy while Gigli and Brian sneak into the morgue and Gigli cuts off some dead guy's thumb. They send that.

More talking at home, yada, yada...

The next day Louis calls saying he wants to meet with Gigli and Ricki. He takes them to Starkman's place, who just flew in from New York, and is played rather hyperly by Al Pacino. Starkman is pissed because he didn't want a thumb he wanted an actual finger, so he kills Louis (Only exciting thing in this movie) and wonders what to do with Gigli and Ricki.

Ricki talks (and talks and talks) her way out saying if Starkman just kills everyone, nothing will be solved, but if the brother is found alive, then things will be ok...I guess. I dunno, this movie doesn't make any sense. I mean, if kidnapping him is gonna distract the prosecutor, then why is returning him gonna further distract him? Thinking about this made my brain blow up, so I suggust you don't think about it either.

Then the longest fucking ending takes place when Gigli decides to give up his job, Ricki decides the same thing, Gigli is driving on a highway when Brian spots "The Baywatch" which is really just a video shoot happening on a beach with women in bikini's. After five minutes of pleading, Gigli stops at The Baywatch and leaves Brian there, so his easily distracted brother can come pick him up. Then Gigli tells Ricki to take his car because Ricki wants to continue to be a lesbian, so she does.

And while we're begging for THE END, Brian hooks up with an Australian chick on the video shoot. Now is it over? Nope! Ricki comes back, tells Gigli her real name is Rochelle (if anyone really gives a rats ass), and decides to stay with Gigli after all. I honestly was happy enough when she left his ass because Gigli is one annoying asshole and frankly it's probably men like him that turn women into lesbians, I doubt any lesbian would turn straight because of him. Oh yeah, thankfully it's the end.

See, that wasn't bad. That's because you're hearing it through me, who had to actually watch the damn thing. It didn't help any that it was 2 hours long. If it was an hour and a half, it would probably still be too long but I wouldn't have suffered as much.

There's just no point in me telling you what I thought, I think it's obvious enough. But if you are curious as to what was painful about the experience, that I can lay on you.
First off, everybody was just lounging around and just talking. Gigli trying to get into Ricki's pants, Ricki saying why she's a lesbian, Brian asking for The Baywatch and asking Gigli to read to him, Gigli getting pissed off all the time and acting like a macho asshole, Ricki trying to tell Gigli that he might be gay, and just endless pointless scenes that just go on and on. Why two of the greatest stars agreed to be in this is beyond me. And of course I'm talking about Christopher Walken and Al Pacino.


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