Friday, November 13, 2009

Jason on Jason: Friday the 13th Part 4: The Final Chapter

For this review, I decided to write out what the description on the back of the DVD says, then throw in my review in between the sentences. In other words, you'll be "reading in between the lines." HA!

"After the Crystal Lake Massacres, Jason is pronounced dead and taken to the hospital morge, where he is mysteriously revived-"

Ok so the movie first starts with some people that we'll never see sitting around a camp fire and one guy is telling us a camp fire story about the legend of Jason Vorhees. This is done by showing us non-stop clips of everything from the first three movies. I wonder if the scenes from Part 3 are in 3-D? I tried to throw on my 3-D glasses but didn't in time. Damn.

So after the montage of scenes are over and the credits promise this is the "final chapter", we pick up where Part 3 left off, with a bunch of dead people and a machete in Jason's hockey mask. A nervous paramedic take Jason's body to the hospital.

At the hospital, we meet the pervyest coroner ever. He would like to perform the autospy on Jason but he needs to fuck a nurse first. When Jason's hand brushes against the nurse's ass, she freaks out and leave. And I swear to you, they're trying to say the mere fact sex was about to happen was enough to bring Jason back from the dead (for the umpteenth time).

Sure enough, Jason kills damn near the entire hospital staff. So there's your "mysterious" reason he was revived.

"-allowing his diabolical killing spree to continue at the camp where the gruesome slaughtering began."

Did anyone notice that this sentence on the back of the DVD cover is a run-on sentence?

Anyway, I really don't recall the setting of this chapter if you will, being Camp Crystal Lake. I know there was woods. And there are two houses in the woods. One house belongs to a family, the Jarvis'es. Young Tommy Jarvis is played by, I'm not shitting you, Corey Feldman. This was around "The Goonies" so he's all young and innocent here.

And wait a minute. It takes place almost entirely in a house. So the recently released remake (say that three times fast) combined parts 1, 2, 3, AND 4? Jesus. I'm surprised it didn't end with Jason waking up on Broadway, sing "Start spreading the news!"

Across the way from The Jarvissss is an empty house that soon gets occupied by a bunch of (what else) horny teenager. One of these horny teenagers is played by, again I am not shitting you, Crispin Glover. Yes THAT Crispin Glover. This should be good cause I hear he can kick really high.

"But this time, in addition to terrified teenagers, he meets a young boy named Tommy Jarvis who has a special talent for horror masks and makeup-"

Why didn't they put in parentheses (Corey Feldman)? That surely would draw more people to watch this movie. Well, I'm putting it out there now in case you didn't know.

So yeah, Tommy has a room full of weird rubber masks and knows how to put horror make up on. He's a young Tom Savani. Wait. Tommy. Tom. Are you fucking kidding me?

Anyway, it turns into your typical "Friday" movie with the wild teenagers getting naked and either trying to have sex, having sex, or going skinny dipping. Almost everyone doing these activities are killed.

There's also some guy who's camping out in the woods with a buttload of knives. He had a run in with Jason but somehow survived. He ends up being the Hero in the Hero + Final Girl equation. To add to that equation, Hero + Final Girl / Corey Feldman. Cause you know Corey fuckin' Feldman isn't gonna die.

"-leading to a horrifying, bloody battle that will keep you on the edge of your seat!"

Jesus another fucking run-on sentence. Who wrote this DVD cover, a 15-year-old girl Myspacer? Surprised it doesn't say "Totes! Lates!!!" at the end.

So this "horrifying bloody battle". I guess.

Jason and Knife Dude are "battling" in The Jarvis's basement but it's super dark so you can't see. Tommy finds a newspaper clipping in Knife Dude's backpack and gets an idea. He runs to this room and immedately start shaving his head and applying makeup. Meanwhile Jason is all kinds of kicking Tommy's sister's ass. Finally, Tommy shows up, bald, except in some patches, and pretends to be Little Jason. Big Jason is confused and wants to investigate. That's when Tommy grabs a machete and just starts wailing on Jason. This was when they toyed with the idea of actually killing Jason, so Tommy is really going crazy here. That or Corey Feldman had some issues to work out. (Gee, ya think?)

"Has the diabolical Jason finally met his match?"

I guess so. In the form of a 12-year-old Corey Feldman, who ends the film by giving a creepy stare into the camera. Is that a set-up I smell?




If you picture the entire series as a downward slope, Part 4 would be about the middle. You can easily tell the direction the rest of the series is gonna take and by this point, you're just watching to see Jason stab horny teenagers. It was a neat experience watching this for the first time. I only ever seen Parts 1-3, then 8-X. I never really seen the middle dumping grounds of this series. So the next few movies should be a treat for you and me.


As an added bonus, I found this video of all the kills from this movie. I wanna tell you some things to look out for:
1. The video the pervy cornoner is watching before he gets killed.
2. The way the dude who was swimming is killed. It's a bit dark but you can JUST make out what's happening. And if you're a guy, be prepared to go "Owww..."
3. The scene between Crispin Glover getting killed and the scene of the chick getting killed THEN thrown out the window is like only a minute. So in that minute, he threw down Crispin's body, went outside, climbed the side of the house and timed his grab JUST right. Fuck, change his name to Jesus Vorhees. (I'm possibly going to hell for that.)
4. Ladies and gentlemen: Crispin Glover dancing.


-Jason

1 comment:

Wings said...

It is an okay flick with a pretty great end for an F13 movie. The formula is down, by this time, but still good stuff.