Saturday, November 21, 2009

Swept Away

(This was written back in 2004, when Madonna and Guy Ritchie was still married. Now that they're not, this is pretty hilarious. Sorry if this sucks, I was still trying to find my reviewing legs.)

Conversation Madonna and her husband Guy Ritchie might've had prior to the making of "Swept Away":

Madonna: are a big time movie director and I'm a wanna-be actress. Remember "Shanghai Surprise"?
Guy Ritchie: Um...
Madonna: Anyway, because you are a big time movie director and a big time movie writer-
Guy: Screenwriter...
Madonna: I'M TALKING BITCH!!! Anyway, sugarpie, I was thinking what if the next movie you make I get to star in it.
Guy: Well, I was thinking of doing another "Snatch/Lock, Stock" type film-
Madonna: NO!!! NO VIOLENCE!!! (Smacks Guy) I want romance!!! People loved me in "Evita" and that was romantic...sort of!!! GIVE ME ROMANCE!!!!!!
Guy: I can't do romance!! I'm a male...and I'm british!!!!
Madonna: Then...steal somebody else's idea and remake a movie where there's romance!! DO IT NOW!!!!!
Guy: Yes my loving wife.

And Guy Ritchie probably spent two months in a cage while Madonna found a copy of the movie "Travolti da un isolito destino nell'azzurro mare d'agosto" or..."Swept Away" from 1974, made him watch it and made him modernize it. Granted, I'm risking being sued by Madonna and/or Guy Ritchie but what other explaination is there, this movie is very disturbing and I highly doubt anything that happened in this remake happened in the original.

Amber (Madonna) and Tony and their other rich friends named Debi, Todd, Michael, and Marina decide to take a yacht from Greece to Italy. Everyone's fine with that except Amber, who acts like a bitch for the first hour of the movie. The victim of her bitchyness? No, not her husband, that'd make sense. Instead it's Guisepeppe, or Peppe, who agreed to work for "The Captain" of this boat to get back to Italy. The crew, for some odd reason, like to call Tony "The Professor" although they never explained why, even Tony's confused by this. Maybe this is what Madonna was calling Guy Ritchie while he was locked in the cage.

Amber is very hard to please. She doesn't like to swim, doesn't like the fish, wants cold, NOT COOL water, is always cold, is always hot, the air's too humid, the air's too chilly, the boat keeps rocking, the sky is too blue, the clouds is too puffy, and other really stupid things. The annoying thing is, the movie took about an hour to show how much of a bitch she is. And poor Peppe is getting abused so bad, the Jews had it better in Egypt (If you can trust "The Ten Commandments"...great I'm gonna get sued by them now.)

20 million bitchy complaints later, Amber finds out most of her friends and husband went off to some caves somewhere and she wants Peppe to take her. He doesn't want to, of course, but she makes him, so they go into a little raft boat thingy and they jet off. Things are going fine until the engine stops.

Amber bitches some more and Peppe says they are stranded until someone picks them up.
Two days later, they find land and Amber threatens to sue Peppe for some reason and a reason might've been said but I was too busy finding something around me to throw at the TV to make Madonna shut the hell up. It turns out the land they found is a deserted island. Not wanting to believe that, Amber says she's gonna search around herself and Peppe is glad to be rid of her.

Now Peppe, he's a good sailor/fisherman. He makes good with what's around him. He also found a little hut that was probably built by Harrison Ford and Anne Heche in "Six Days, Seven Nights". Amber, meanwhile, starves, is dying of thirst, and somehow twisted her ankle. A few days goes by and Amber comes limping back to Peppe.

Then things take a weird, and more annoying, turn. Peppe decides to get back at Amber and says "Ok, you want food and drink, you will be my SLAVE!! WASH MY CLOTHES, BITCH!!!!!" and he gets naked. Seeing the big ass fish he caught, she agrees. When she's done with his laundry, he lists some rules, such as she must call him Master and he is in charge and she must do everything he says with a smile or else he's gonna beat the ever living crap out of her. And to show he's not kidding, he punches Madonna a few times. Usually when I write something like that, I'm kidding, but here I am not, he really does punch her a few times.

So now the tables are turned and Peppe abuses Amber, literally and figuratively, and this goes on for another hour.

"I want my feet washed!!" (SMACK)
"Ok, Master."
"I want you to run around in a bikini for the next half hour showing your nipples so male audiences have a reason to see this movie!" (SMACK SMACK)
"Ok, Master."

And if all of that wasn't weird enough, Amber decides to fight back finally and while she's running away, he chases her, catches her, throws her down to the ground, and threatens to rape her. Well, he might've actually done it, the camera angles were kinda odd, but it looked like her bottom was off and his shorts were kinda down but not down all the way.

Now, I'm all for karma, you get what you give, but she didn't torture him and make him think she was gonna brutally rape him, that's going a little too far, if you ask me. But he says during this that when she fully and truly loves him he will knock it off.

They spend the next few days boinking up a storm and then it turns into scenes that really have nothing to do with anything, like Peppe having an odd daydream of Amber turning to Della Reese singing "Come On-a Over To My House" with a full orchastra, or later on in the hut during a rainstorm and when Peppe discover some whisky buried in the sand they play charades. Or the montage of them boinking on different places on the island while the Mazzy Star song "Fade Into You" plays.

FINALLY!!!! A ship comes and Amber is like, "NO!! Let's stay here!! I don't wanna go back, I love you!" and Peppe is like "Well, if you love me here, you will love me there, let us see." And he swims to the boat, which turns out to be some rich couple from England. Why they were boating near a deserted island near the Mediterranean Sea is beyond me. Tony, Amber's husband in case your mind is numb from picturing what I just described, picks them up and they go to Italy. Tony gives Peppe some money for taking care of Amber and Peppe is all upset because he can't boink her anymore and she hasn't confessed her love to him yet.

Peppe takes the money he got from Tony and buys a very nice and expensive ring. Then Peppe leaves Amber a note at her hotel and instructs the hotel clerk to give it to Amber only when she's alone. Amber is about to pick it up when Tony comes by and ruins the chance for Amber to read Peppe's note about him waiting at a pier in a boat. Tony makes Amber go back to the room and he notices the note hiding in their mailbox.

In the helicopter that's gonna take Amber and Tony back to America, I guess, Tony makes Amber give some bellhop a tip with an evelope. The bellhop reads the evelope which says "Last boat, pier 22" so he goes there, gives the evelope to Peppe and finds the ring. He discovers that Tony is the one who sent the ring back and chases after the helicopter as it takes off, with Amber crying just...kind of...ends.

So, I guess the answer is, no, she will not end up with Peppe. You heard it here first.

I'm gonna wrap this up with an open letter to Madonna and Guy Ritchie, seperately.

Dear Guy Ritchie,
Please do not make any more movies with your wife Madonna. Stick with kick ass movies like "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrells" or "Snatch". If you must put your wife in your movies, have her be the chick who gets killed early on in the movie or have a bomb tied to her chest and all the characters have to save her but they're late and it goes off. And no, I'm not bitter at all. Why should I be bitter? Just because I blew 4 bucks renting this piece of shit movie and wasted 2 and a half hours of my life watching this piece of shit movie doesn't make me bitter? I mean, Jesus, if you want to make a snuff film starring your wife, do so. I mean, you see her early videos, right? I'm sure she'll be all for it. And if you're looking for a guy to beat the crap out of her for the film, I'll be glad to help. I have an impressive film and TV resume. And please don't sue me.
Jason Soto.

Dear Madonna,
I liked you at one point. But now you are very fucking weird. I mean "Ester"? What's up with that shit? Now I really hate you for doing this to Guy Ritchie. It's one thing to marry him but ruin his fine film career by making him make this piece of shit? Maybe you should take a cue from Cher and KISS, do a "Goodbye" tour and fade away while I still respect your early career works. And so help me, if you make Guy Ritchie make another movie like this, I will come to your house with giant speakers and play your "American Life" album over and over until you apologize to me and your husband and to the world and give me back my 4 dollars and find me a good movie that lasts 2 and a half hours that I haven't seen.
Oh, and let Guy Ritchie out of his cage, please.


No comments: