And Now Midville High's Choir Will Sing "Too Drunk To Fuck" In B-Minor

Fox tricked me and my fiancee Felicia into watching this new show called "Glee". We were expecting to see the finale of American Idol just to celebrate the fact it's finally over with and HOPE TO GOD it don't return next year (or at least return with me as a judge). Instead of a finale we get this...show.

I'll be honest and say I didn't see the whole thing. I left the room to work on my book a bit, then I heard a group of rejected Disney pop stars sing one of my favorite Journey songs ever. And I had to witness this for myself. I go into the living room and I see this:



I shall make some observations about said video clip:

1. If you never seen High School Musical, you just fucking did. This thing reminded me so much of it I thought I was gonna faint. I mean, they turned it into a TV show? On Fox? And tried to make it a comedy? The hell?

2. Way to go with all the typical stand-by's "Glee". Let's look at our checklist: Asian girl, check. Black girl who's no doubt sassy and/or comes from a broken home, check. Gay guy, check. Lead girl who is in love/is dating/use to date but wants to reconnect with lead guy, check. Lead guy who's probably only doing this to get laid, check.

3. HEY! An added bonus! You threw in a handicapped kid in the form of a guitar player in a wheelchair. Too bad you need the Asian girl to move him around all guitar player like. Surprised the keyboard player isn't in a coma.

4. What's up with the cheerleaders and that one chick from "40-Year-Old Virgin" and "Role Models" slowly coming down on some elevator/platform thing, looking all evilly? Oh wait, I seen "High School Musical" so allow me to make a guess. The cheerleaders are pissed off that this rag tag group of Journey fans are getting special treatment and/or are planning a show on the SAME EXACT day and the SAME EXACT time as one of their cheerleading events and/or football games and wants to bring them down. That or they're mad the wheelchair kid went with guitar playing instead of cheerleader catching.

5. And don't get me started on how they butchered the song. I mean, what as up with that weird chanting or whatever that "Da da da da da da da" was. And I can think of better duet's between a guy and a girl than "Don't Stop Believing". How about "I Got A Man" by Positive K. I would've much rather heard that.

I'll say one good thing about the show. At least they don't have high school students singing wildly inapproate songs about doing drugs and being proud of it, which was originally recorded by a boozed up coked out has-been.



Oh. Well shit.
-Jason

The Fight For #1: Week 19 Results

Call me stunned. And who says the underdogs don't ever have a chance? After picking a movie not even mentioned in the top ten, Highway says "don't call it a come back, I been here for years!" and gets 10 points. I guess those of us who picked Star Trek thought wrong.

So does this mean the era of the geek is slowly coming to an end? I mean NORMALLY, a film like Star Trek would stay on top for at LEAST three, four weeks tops. But now I dunno. Watchmen dropped like a ton of bricks after it's first week and now this. I tell you, my friends, this is gonna be an interesting summer.

This Week's Scores:
Fletch, Highway: 10
Me, April, Bobbie, Rachael M.: 9

This Month's Scores:
Fletch: 30
Me: 29
April: 27
Highway, Maria: 20
Bobbie, Rachael M.: 9

In case anyone forgot, there's a prize on the line: a copy of Total Recall. I just might have a prize for next month too. We'll see.

Next week is gonna be another nailbiter with the release of Terminator 4: Wait, James Cameron Had Nothing To Do With This One?, Night At The Museum: Was The First One Really THAT Popular?, and Dance Flick: Make Fun of "Step Up" Is Gonna Be Easy. Throw in Cherubs vs Bezelbubs AND Star Trek and I think it's enough to make your mind go ka-blooey.

And now, Play The Killer Shrews Off, Keyboard Cat:


-Jason

How Many Debbie Gibson Puns Can I Make?

I'm very surprised at Asylum Pictures Entertainment Inc. Co. Normally they make movies like "Transmorphers" or "Snakes On A Train" or simply "Monster". I was expecting their next releases to be something like "Cherubs vs Bezlebubs" or "Space Journey" or even "The Jones Brothers 2-D Live Concert Event".

But no. They threw us a curve ball and came up with something somewhat original. Of course I'm talking about MEGA SHARK vs GIANT OCTOPUS!!



Of course this makes me think this is Asylum's version of Shark Attack 3: Megalon or something but nope, this is an original movie. Well, not that it's that original to have giant monsters fighting but still. This movie has Lorenzo Lamas AND Deborah "Debbie" Gibson! And she actually says "Milla in Vanilla". This could be something great.

At least I have something to watch until "Next Week Ground" comes out.
-Jason

PS: Here are the puns I thought of:
Electric Fin
Shark Your Love
Lost In Your Tentacles
Only In My Gills

The Fight For #1: Week 19

Before I get to this week's releases, I gotta mention something quickly.

Last night I posted a thing saying I was nominated for a LAMMY and how I wanted you guys to vote for me if you felt I deserved it. This morning I was told my Senor Fletch that only members of the LAMB can vote for the LAMMYs. I wasn't aware of this so to anyone who's NOT a member who tried to vote, it won't count. Sorry but thanks for trying.

This probably knocks down my chances of winning a bit BUT I still have hope. I mean it's best theme. I think people like reading about b movies. Sure, Final Girl tackles horror movies and she's funny and the other people probably talk about GOOD movies, which can get boring at times...

Oh hell who am I kidding?

No no must be positive! I WILL win this! AMERICA! FUCK YEAH!!

So now that's done with-

This week we have "Angels and Demons", the follow up and/or prequel to "The Da Vinci Code". Will it be enough to knock off Star Trek? Who knows. There's also a limited release of The Brothers Bloom, with Adrian Brody and some film I never heard of until last night called Management, with Jennifer Aniston and Steve Zhan. So yeah it's between Angels and Demons and Star Trek.

I'm gonna have to go with Star Trek again, but Angels and Demons will probably be number two. I imagine there's people (like me) who didn't see it opening weeking, knowing it'll be crowded with Trekkies and don't really wanna experience THAT smell.

Here's last week's top ten.



Oh and a quick book update: I'm almost done with the listing of them. I need 8 more, but I have to watch at least 9 so it's looking pretty good.
-Jason

On Hands and Knees

I don't think I ask for too much from my readers. Sure, I force you to participate in a poll that means me having to watch the third High School Musical film, then having you read it. Or make you pick stuff for me to watch in general. And that one time last year when I made you guys vote for me for that Sirens of the LAMBs thing (which I won thanks guys!)

But now I'm up for something pretty major. Well, as major as it can get when it comes to movie blogs. I was nominated for a LAMMY!



The LAMMY's is an award thingy Master Fletch runs over at the LAMB to award excellence in the arts of movie blogging. It happened last year but I wasn't even in the running...for some reason. But! Today's a new day! Think positive! All that stuff!

The category I was nominated for was "Best Theme". I didn't get Best Blog-A-Thon (30 Days of Horror, Guilty Pleasures) or Best Blog (Yeah I kinda figured I wouldn't), but I'm happy with Best Theme. I SHOULD get rewarded for watching all these crappy movies! Dammit!


My MS Paint Skillz knows no bounds!

Ok to be serious. I'm mentioning all this cause it would be neat to win. HOWEVER. I will not resort to bribing or making promises or nothing. If you really do like the way I do things around here and think I should win something, then you should vote for me. If you don't then you dont have to. If I lose, I won't be mad or hold a grudge or even the ring at anybody. It's just an honor to be nominated, since we couldn't nominate ourselves.

Also as a result if you do vote for me, you don't have to tell me. You can if you want to but no need for a "I VOTED FOR YA, JASON!" comment. I wanna be a team player and a good sport, as I wish all my fellow LAMB's good luck in their categories and the ones in mine.

So if you do, the info can be found here.

Now that I got that out of the way, I should let you all know that I have pictures of Final Girl with Jon AND Kate!
-Jason

Dancin' On The Poll

I was at work today and I thought "Hm. High School Musical 3 should be hitting DVD soon. It's a big popular thing where the advert of the DVD release will be pounded in my skull until I'm dead and roasting in hell, much like the theatrical release. I know! I'll go home, look up the date when it'll be released, then set up a poll asking people if I should review it, with the closing date the day it's released! Boy I'm clever!"

Needless to say I was in the bathroom for a long time at work today.

So I get home and do the research only to find...



It's been released already. In February. The fuck? Does ANYBODY remember hearing about it? I mean when it was being released in theaters, they put the damn ad's everywhere. Even during shows no typical fan of HSM would watch like "Lost" or "Debbie Does Dallas 4: This Time It's JAPAN!" So how come news of the DVD wasn't spread like wildfire on Vanessa Hudgen's crotch?

Anyway.

I still set up the poll but made it June 1st cause I plan on having the first draft of my book done by then. (God willing). Then maybe I can turn June into another "Jason Tackles Teeny-Bopper Movies" month or something. As you see on the poll to the right, the options are:

Yes, On The Site-Since I got the first two up there, might as well make the third there.

Yes, On The Blog-Only review here and that's it.

Yes, Make It A Mass Invasion-This is tricky. All the mass invaders are my friends. Making them watch this will probably make them want to kill me. But since they have the right to vote, they can decide if they wanna go this route or not.

NO NO NO NO NO!-Self explainitory.

And if you could, anyone who does vote leave a comment so I know who said what and why and stuff. If the number of votes don't equal the amount of the comments I get, I'm gonna come after you and make you watch ALL THREE MOVIES! IN A ROW! With no bathroom break. Cause there's stuff in the bathroom you can use to kill yourself.

Anyway. Thanks!
-Jason

The Fight For #1: Week 18 Results

This Week:
Me, Maria, Fletch, April, Highway: 10

This Month's Total:
Me, Fletch, Maria: 20
April: 18
Highway: 10

Yeah, not much of a surprise this week. Next week will probably be a bit tough. We got Angels and Demons, the prequel/sequel to The Da Vinci Code. Will it be enough to bring down Star Trek? Who knows?

In other news, I saw Next Day Air last night and I quite liked it. It's like a Guy Ritchie film but you can understand what everyone is saying. So if Star Trek is sold out, I recommend it.
-Jason

The Fight For #1: Week 18

"Star Trek" comes out this weekend, so it's fair to say it'll be in the top spot and it SHOULD be everyone's pick for this week. But I'm not forcing you to pick anything. Plus, to remind you, there is a prize up for grabs this month: A copied DVD of "Total Recall". So make that some sort of incentive if you must.

Another release this weekend is "Next Day Air", the black Guy Ritchie film with Mos Def, Mike Epps and...some other people. I'll probably see it, it looks interesting, but there's no way it's gonna make the top spot.

And I'm gonna go ahead and switch the comments back to anybody using them but I'll keep on the "type in the weird random letters thing" to continue the fight with spam.

With that said, here's last weeks top ten:


Thanks and good luck!
-Jason

*Insert Chuckle Here*

I guess Bert won this one.
-Jason

The Fight For #1: Week 17 Results

Not much to say here, pretty much what I expected.

This Weeks Scores:
Me, Fletch, Maria : 10
April: 8
Highway: 0*
*Means he sent in a guess but it didn't even crack the top ten. Sad really.

Next week we got nothing-oh wait STAR TREK! Hm, I should call this another freebie week...Nah a prize is up for stake! Keep on guessing!
-Jason

Book Update, Yo

I want to keep my readers (all 5 million of you) informed on how my book is coming along. I realized I kept a lot of details out, like what the book's called or about or how I, a simple movie dweeb (that's a word you don't hear too often anymore), talked to a publisher and they said "ok send in your manuscript". I've kept that out for a reason: I don't like to ruin surprises.

Which is odd, I know, since I put in spoilers for all the movies I review. But I can throw you a little bone here and there.

If you know anything about me, you probably have some idea on what it's about.

I'm just about half way done with the first draft. I already know I'm gonna have to go back and do major rewrites.

I came up with a better title than the one I sent to the publisher. I hope they like it.

Cause I changed the title, the overall theme of the book slightly changed, which I think will make writing it a lot easier now.

Again, I'm sorry about the last half of 30 Days of Horror. A lot of you (at least half of the 4 million readers I have) was digging it and looking forward to my review of "Twilight". Yes, I was gonna review Twilight. I got around to watching it so I probably will write about it sometime in the future.

Because my brain won't shut the hell up, I been thinking of stuff and ideas for my next one, if I were to get the chance to do a "next" one. I was thinking maybe fiction. Maybe.

Anyway, I wanna get the draft done before May is over, hopefully get is polished up in June and hope to have it published before Summer is over. I shall keep you all posted.

In the meantime, I'll plug my friend Bill's book. It's a book of poetry called "Stages of Love". I'm mentioned by name in it, that alone should be worth checking out. And since I have 4 million readers, if each one of you buy a copy, he'll be rich and can get a new car, since he was in a car accident on Tuesday.

Who says pity and sympathy don't work?
-Jason

The Fight For #1: Week 17

I'm gonna up the ante a bit, since I've noticed a huge drop off in participation lately. I'm gonna offer a prize to the winner for this month! Yes, an actual prize! What, pray tell, is this prize? A Copied DVD of "Total Recall"! Yes! The Arnold movie about Mars, Sharon Stone, and Quatto! Could be yours! For free! For merely participating!

That's it, no catch! Just have the most points by the weekend of May 29th, the final weekend in May, and it's yours. With that out of the way, here's what's coming out this weekend:

Battle for Tera-Some CGI/3D film about aliens fighting Earthlings. I guess.

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past-Do I really have to tell you how awful this idea sounds? When I first saw the trailer for it in theaters, I nearly got kicked out for yelling obsenities.

X-Men Orgins: Wolverine-It was leaked online apparently but I hear it wasn't the actual completed film. I kinda wanna see it.

So my guess for this week is gonna be WOLVERINES!!! Er, just Wolverine single. What's yours? And remember, if you're not a blogger/google member you can't leave a comment here, you'll have to respond by email: invasionofthebmovies at gmail dot com.

Just a reminder, here's last week's top ten:


-Jason

The Fight For #1: Week 16 Results

I think I know what it is. Now that it's starting to transistion from crappy part of Spring where it's still cold outside to the super nice outside part of spring, no body's inside, or when they are they're too tired from running through sprinkers or running or walking or bike riding or playing on swings or whatever. I gotcha guys.

This Week's Scores:
Me: 10
Maria: 9
Fletch: 7

Total Month's Scores:
Maria: 28
Me: 26
Fletch: 23
Bobbie: 5

Actually, looking at it, this was the last weekend in April, so Maria is our winner again. We start anew on Friday so hopefully everyone will join in again.

Hopefully.
-Jason

The Fight For #1: Week 16

Hey guys. I know I been quiet. I'm still working on my book, which means a lot of writing and a lot of watching. I'm about 25% done, which is good considering. Anyway, here's what's coming out this weekend.

Obsessed aka Chick from Heroes vs Beyonce. Why is Beyonce still acting? Name one movie she was good in...besides "Dreamgirls". Thought so.
Fighting. Guy. Beating people up. Bleh.
The Soloist. A heavy hearted drama with Robert Downey, Jr and Jamie Foxx, who by the way wanted Hannah Montana to release a sex video. That might make this number one all on it's own.

I hate to say this but I get the feeling Obsessed will take the top spot. Although I don't know why, this movie is such a cookie cutter film from all the other "crazy woman" films like Fatal Attraction or Basic Instinct...well ok maybe not that one. If Ali Larter showed her vag I'd totally be there.

Here's last weeks top ten:


Oh yeah I almost forgot! Due to a spammer I had two weeks ago, I had to change the settings on the comments. So now no one can leave anonymous comments anymore, you have to be signed up with Blogger/Google to leave a comment. So if you don't have an account, just email me your choice at invasionofthebmovies at gmail dot com.
Thanks!
-Jason

The Fight For #1: Week 15 Results

Jeez, I take one week off and all you guys decide to stop playing or something? Or are you just upset about 30 Days of Horror?



This Week:
Me, Fletch: 6
Maria: 9

This Week Total:
Maria: 19
Me, Fletch: 16
Bobbie: 5

Bleh, I can't believe all the tweeners fell for that. At least Hannah Montana is getting knocked down a few pegs. Too bad about Crank 2 and Observe and Report. Both are awesome movies, mainly Crank 2, which I just got back from seeing. Somehow they made it more crazier than the first. Awesome awesome stuff.

Next week, nothing worth noting comes out. And they're all one word titles. Obsessed. Fighting. (The) Soloist. Earth. How about "sucks"?
-Jason

Some News, The Rest of 30 Days of Horror, and The Fight For #1: Week 15

First the good news.

My friend Bill got a book of poetry published and he told me the process was kinda easy so I figured I'd give it a shot. But I needed a book idea first. So I asked around and I was given a neat idea. Armed with that idea, I sent in the idea to the publisher and this morning I heard back.

They like the idea and want to read my manuscript. That I haven't written yet.

So what does this mean? I probably will have to stop doing 30 Days of Horror here and spend any time I have getting this book written. I will probably have to watch some horror movies, along with other types of genres, for the book so if I do, I will make a note of it here on the blog. In the meantime, if anybody reading this wants to do a review for a movie I was planning on reviewing (list here) and you wanna send it in or have me link to it, that'd be awesome. Totally up to you.

But I'm not too busy to keep doing Fight For #1. I missed last week cause I was out of town, but now we're back. Let's see while I was away...Hannah Montana became the number 1 movie??? ARRGH!!

Well, this weekend we got Crank 2 and some Zac Efron movie. I'm gonna have to go with Crank 2. Anyway, here's what it looked like two weeks ago:

Thanks! Sorry! Wish me luck!
-Jason

Day 15: The Exorcist 3

I was hoping this time around I wouldn't be dissappointed. And thank god I wasn't. I really don't know what the popular stance is on this movie but I think it's really really fucking creepy and done very well.

Detective George C. Scott is investigating some murders going around. He believes it's the work of an old serial killer named The Gemini Killer. Since I'm the sign of the Gemini it made me slightly nervous. The three newest murders are pretty fucked up and freak Detective George out. First was a kid who was decapitated and his head replaced with a statue head of Jesus, all the while crucified on some rowing oars. Second one was a priest giving communion. The third was a friend of George's, another priest.

All these killings tie in to the exorcism giving in the first movie and George starts rumminging around the hospital his priest friend was killed. Turns out there's a patient down in the "Disturbed" ward that bares a striking resemblance to Father Karras from the first movie.

In fact, it is him! WHA???

Well check this shit out. So we all know Father Karras jumped out of Linda Blair's window that one night and died. While that was happening, the Gemini Killer, who was caught and sent to the electric chair, was killed at the same time. So the Killer's soul met up with Satan, who said "I'm pissed at this Karras dude, I'm gonna put your soul in his body so you can keep on killing." Killer is like "Ok cool" and that happened. But since Karras was dead for awhile, it took the Killer awhile to energize the cells in the body. And that awhile lasted 15 years.

So when George talks to Karras, he turns into Brad Dourif, aka the voice of Chucky and boy does it show. This is probably one of his best performances cause he freaked me the fuck out. And apparently Brad's "Master" (guess who) can possess other people around in the hospital to do his bidding, such as letting him out of his cell every night to kill people and making sure he gets back in ok.

Meanwhile, Father Karras is stuck inside all miserable and wanting to die, but The Killer won't let him. The Killer promises to kill George's daughter, so he sends over a spooky nurse to do it, but George (with an assist by his mother-in-law) stops her. Then some other priest that figures into the story somehow but I wasn't paying attention cause I was getting the shit scared out of me arrives at the hospital and starts to do an exorcism on Killer/Karras, which lasts all of 5 minutes. It's so short cause the movie producers asked for an exorcism scene and this was all William Peter Blatty (the writer and director of this film) would give them.

George shows up to kill Karras' body but Killer (or possibly Satan) stops him and shows him some fucked up images. But the Random Priest isn't out of the picture yet! Even though we saw his skin get peeled, he's somehow still alive to finish the last word in the exorcism, which tames the Killer for a bit. Karras returns, begging George to shoot him, which he does, finally killing the Killer. Or until another person just happens to die and that body gets possessed. But whatever.

Yeah, I liked this movie. I missed a bit cause the DVD skipped a bit, but it wasn't too much. There were too many freaky scenes to mention. And this was more of a sequel to the original Exorcist that that P.O.S Part 2 ever was. So if you want a good scary night, watch the original, and then this one back to back. You'll be shitting your pants all night but it'd be worth it.

-Jason

Day 14: Exorcist 2: The Heretic

This is a jumbled mess of a movie. I don't think I clearly understood what was happening. I don't even know how to write this. I can just tell you what I did understand and remember seeing it. (As how I'm writing these last reviews a day or so late after watching 4 movies in a row.)

So Linda Blair is all hot now and living in New York with some chick name Sharon. She doesn't remember any of the crap that happened in the first film and is a carefree hot chick. She still gets checked out by some doctors or something to see if maybe the memory is just buried deep in her mind.

Meanwhile Reverend Richard Burton is assigned to figure out what the hell happened to Father Merrin in the first movie. He spends the entire movie looking at things and saying "Pazuzu" over and over again. Apparently Pazuzu was the proper name of the demon that possessed Linda Blair.

Speaking of, she's hooked up to some machine that turns people psychic or something? Cause she was able to get into the mind of a mute autistic and turn something on so she can talk or something.

Richard Burton is now in Africa for some reason, trying to find James Earl Jones, who as a kid was possessed by Pazuzu. This all happened in the Exorcist prequel, which sucks on it's own. Anyway, Merrin helped young James Earl Jones out and now James Earl Jones is some scientist figuring out why locusts do stuff.

Richard Burton comes back and psychically enters Linda's Blair mind, which transplants him into the past and he sees Merrin do the thing on a young James Earl Jones. With an understanding on how Pazuzu works, he and Linda Blair must go back to her old house and do another battle, but Pazuzu tempts everyone like crazy. Might as well have him stand in a doorway saying "Want some caaaake?"

Now I truly don't understand what the fuck's happening. The house is falling apart. Linda Blair is even hotter. People are getting possessed like crazy. Richard Burton does Richard Burton things until it all just stops and the credits roll. Man, I haven't been this confused in a long ass time.

Yeah, this movie is really terrible. It's like Poltergeist 2 in that it only exists to explain what happened in the first movie. It's more scarier when you have no idea what's going on. I mean she was possessed, what more do you want? All the stuff with young Marrin was boring and I think unneeded. I can do without this movie.

-Jason

Day 13: High Tension

Poor Marie. She's in her friend's parents guest bedroom, furiously masturbating when suddenly a psycho killer (Qu'est-ce que c'est?) shows up at the door, slowly killing each family member one by one. He even gets the dog and the little boy. The only person he leaves is Alex, Marie's (female) friend. Realizing that Marie has to be super ultra quiet, she hides around the house, waiting for the killer to go do something. Marie finds Alex and insures her things will be ok. Except not.

The killer loads Alex, bound and gagged, into a weird metal truck. Marie sneaks in and tries to undo the chains but they're tied to a lock, which needs a key. Thankfully the killer needs gas so he stops at a gas station to fill 'er up. While that's happening, Marie runs in for help but the killer is here to pay. Oh and to slay. (Aren't I clever?)

After another close call of the killer almost finding Marie, he leaves her behind. Marie calls the cops, then takes the murdered gas clerk's car to chase down the killer and save Alex. She rather stupidly stays on his ass, even down some dirt road, but the killer gets smart and starts to push her off the side of the road.

The killer chases her throughout the woods, eventually tricking her so she lets her guard down and tries to kill Marie. Marie, grabbing a post with barbed wire, smacks the shit out of the killer, then suffocating him, finally killing him. Now Marie is free to save Alex.

I'm gonna stop here to say if any of what I just said up above sounds interesting to you and you wish to see how this movie plays out (I did skip a few things here and there), then I'm gonna ask you to stop reading this review right here cause there's a major plot twist that you don't see coming and I don't wanna ruin the experience for you. So just stop, watch the movie, then come back.

If you are still reading this, and you haven't seen the movie, don't get mad. I warned you.

Alex is terrifed and pissed at Marie and for good reason. Marie has what I call "Fight Club" syndrome, where she actually has a split personality and it was MARIE doing all the killings the entire time. All the parts with Marie hiding and crap was just in her mind or something.

Honestly, it's not explained too well, cause for one thing, Marie was new to whatever city this was. So if she's this big serial killer, where'd she'd get the truck from? And the part where the killer was driving and Marie was in the back with Alex, she was interacting with Alex, who was responding back (Mainly by screaming into her gag)so...how was that possible?

Anyway, as I kinda figured from the beginning of the movie Marie is a big lesbo and wants Alex and she snapped cause she was probably dating guys or something. Like I said it's not all explained too well. But when Marie, who thinks she isn't the killer, frees Alex, Alex stabs the shit out of her with a knife. Marie reverts to killer guy and chases after her with a big ass saw thing. The ending totally reminded me of the original "Texas Chainsaw Massacre".

Alex tries to get help but Marie ends up killing the dude and is about to kill her when Alex stabs her with a crow bar. But she survived and is now in a mental institution, still pining for Alex.

So if you made it this far in the review and you did watch the movie, noticed how I skipped the part where the killer was giving himself head with a decapitated head of a girl? If that's really Marie how do you....eh less thought about the better.

I quite liked this movie. Watching it a second time might make it a different experience, knowing the twist n all. And it's a french movie, with the French title "Je m'appelle Sacre Bleu!" Or something. The version I watched was one of those screeners I got a few years ago and I gotta say, seeing bits of it in black and white made it an interesting experience. Maybe I should just hand out copies of my copy to everyone.

-Jason

Day 12: An American Haunting

Whenever I plan out "30 Days of Horror", I put in movies I haven't seen before, thinking they're horror movies. Then I get around to it and find out it's some weird subgenere of a horror movie, like thriller or "scary drama". What's a scary drama? "An American Haunting" is a scary drama.

I have to wonder about the title. I mean all the haunting movies I've seen, you're "Poltergeists", "Amityville Horror", "House", they all take place in America. So what, is this not your terrorist's haunting, it's an AMERICAN Haunting god dammit it! Red white and blue all the way!!

The movie starts off in the present with a teenage girl running from something. This turns out to be a dream as she's waken by her Mom. Mom tells daughter to get ready her Dad is on his way to pick her up. Mom finds some old journal and starts reading it and it tells the story of The Bell Hauntings in 1819 or something.

In what is possibly the funniest reason to haunt someone, John Bell (Donald Sutherland) is sent to a church court (Yeah I don't know it was the 1800's they were a bit wacky then) because he bought some land from Kathy, a neighbor who may or may not be a witch. Kathy's all pissed off cause John charged her a 20% interest rate, which also pissed off the church court as well. They sentenced John a life sentence of local scorn where anytime he walks around town people look at him and got "Tsk tsk tsk". But Kathy thinks this is a slap on the wrist and instead promises to dole out punishment her own way.

If this was set today, a bunch of banks would be having ghosts visiting them. If they already don't.

So sure enough, some weird ass shit starts happening at the Bell house. John is starting to get sick and in a very unintentional funny scene, daughter Betsy is picked up by a ghost and slapped silly. This happens a few times in the movie. OH NO! NOT THE SLAPPING GHOST!!

At first Betsy's teacher/pedo school teacher don't believe this stuff is happening until he sees the ghost slapping for himself. Betsy is plagued with nightmares and keeps seeing a little girl that no one else sees. After a bunch of restless nights and shots of Ma Bell (Sissy Spacek) looking worried, John goes to Kathy and begs for mercy. But Kathy says "I ain't cursed your house!"

So...what's going on?

Well, this movie decides to take a fucked up turn. The "ghost" that's haunting the Bell's is actually the ghost of Betsy's innocence. Apparently, one night John got horny and realized he was married to old Sissy Spacek and decided to get with Betsy. When that happened, this "innocence ghost" is seeking revenge on John and trying to make Betsy remember it all, since she blocked it out.

That explains the slapping I guess.

So Betsy poisons dear old dad and the little girl, representing innocence I guess, goes away and the Bell's are left at peace.

Back to the present and Modern Day Mom is reading all this, going "Huh". Teen Daughter leaves with Dad when Mom sees Betsy's ghost. Realizing her return "means something" Mom chases after Pedo Dad and Teen who's all "NOO! Not the straps again!".

I'm relieved the haunting is about loss of innocence and not about a high interest rate. That'd just be freakin' retarded. I'm torn on what I think about this movie. It's kinda cool, kinda spooky, and has some neat little action scenes, like when the ghost flips over the horse and carriage. But other times it's a bit slow and the slapping ghost is just hilarious. At least until you find out why, but it's still mildly amusing. I would give this movie another watch sometime in the future, knowing now what I know what happens in the movie.

-Jason

Day 11/Jason on Jason: Friday the 13th Part 3 IN 3-D!

So here I am, taking on the part in the franchise that was filmed in 3-D. The DVD comes with the 3-D version and glasses, so I said hell yeah let's watch this sucker in 3-D. Well, either something was wrong with the copy, the TV sucked, or my eyes sucked cause the 3-D didn't really worked. It was still blurry and it didn't really pop out of the screen like 3-D is suppose to. So I still need to see a good 3-D version of this.

Anyway, this part doesn't take place at Camp Crystal Lake. In fact it doesn't even mention where it takes place. Maybe this is Jason's summer home or something. Anyway, another random group of teens or whatever show up to some farm in "the country". Along for the trip is:
Shelly, the jokster who looks like Jonah Hill and has horrible self esteem issues.
Chris, the main chick and the owner of the farm.
Andy and His Girlfriend
Two Hippies
Chick Shelly is trying to hook up with.

Sorry I'm not mentioning the names but you and I know it don't matter, you just wanna see some people get chopped in creative ways.

But it takes awhile for that to happen. We get some "Dawson's Creek" shit as we explore all this backstory on Chris and how she was accosted by some weirdo in the woods two years ago. The weirdo, as you know, turns out to be Jason. Shelly pulls all kinds of pranks that makes everyone hates him. Later, Shelly and Chick he's trying to hook up with run afoul of a biker gang, so the gang gets revenge by turning into 12-year-olds and taking the gas out of their vans. Next they put their hands in warm water while sleeping. Tee-hee-hee.

The chick biker gang goes into the barn, where Jason is just hanging out for some reason and she gets killed, followed by the other two gang members. Jason is taking his sweet ass time killing these people. I think in Part 2, we got about 30-40 minutes of "story" then the rest was killing. These killings don't happen until at least an hour into the movie.

Andy and his girlfriend fuck on a hammock, then get killed.
Shelly scares the chick he's trying to hook up with, but he gets killed and Jason takes this hockey mask Shelly was carrying for some reason, which is when that whole thing started.
Chick gets killed trying to get Shelly's wallet from the water.
Hippies get killed after thinking Shelly is pulling another prank but this time it's for realz, y'all.

Soon, Chris and her boyfriend Rick come back and find the house empty. Chris investigates while Rick gets his head smashed in. Soon, Jason makes his presence known to Chris and he chases her all over the farm and the barn. She gets some stabs in there, but he still survives them. She even ties his neck around a noose and hangs him but nothing doing. Finally, she just slams a machete into his skull and it stops him. For now...

Chris decides to re-enact the final scene from the first Friday the 13th and go out on the lake in a canoe. But now she's flipped the fuck out and starts seeing shit like Jason coming after her and Jason's Mom popping up out of the lake. The cops show up (How do they always know to show up the morning after? I think they're in on it somehow) and take away a crazy laughing Chris.

Even though I do have patience and think horror movies should build, this one took a bit too long to build. It's the third entry in the series for cryin' out loud. They should just get with the killin' already, screw story. And it's not like any of it mattered. By the time Part 4 rolls around we'll have another story to not be interested in.

As for the 3-D, it was a bit hokey at times. It was like "Hey, look at us being wacky with this yo-yo!" "Oh no, we're juggling!!" But the death parts were (probably) cool to see in 3-D, like the eyeballs flying out of Rick's head. I hope some movie theater plays this in 3-D soon so I can see all of this for myself.

-Jason

Day 10: House 2: The Second Story

This movie is only a sequel by name and the fact weird shit happens in a house. Everything that happened in the first film is never mentioned. Normally this would mean trouble but here it kinda works.

Jesse moves in to his own family home after finding out his parents gave him up 25 years ago. His parents, immedately after giving up their baby, is visited by some ghoul who shoots them dead. Jesse and his girlfriend Kate decide to move in and almost immedately his friend Charlie and his girlfriend Gem or 80's Madonna or some other name that I didn't catch.

After finding out his great-great grandfather was some bandit and/or archelogist and great-great granddad found some crystal skull (HA HA HA that one movie that came out last year don't seem so silly now, does it?) but he and his former partner Sam fought over it and they both died somehow. Jesse thinks the skull is buried with great-great granddad so he and Charlie decide to dig him up to find out.

After unearthing the coffin, they open it up to find Gramps (as he wants to be called) very much alive, just a bit...zombieish. Inside is also the crystal skull, which Gramps puts on some cradle on the fireplace. The next day we find out Bill Maher is the president of some record company and he wants to bang Kate very badly. While Jesse and Charlie were talking to Gramps, a Halloween party started up upstairs. All three join in on the fun until one of the rooms opens up and a 9-foot-tall caveman comes out and steals the skull.

While this is going on some old girlfriend of Jesse's hits on him, making Bill Maher tell Kate about this, who instead of asking her own boyfriend what the truth is, instantly believe Bill Maher and dump him. Gramps tells Jesse he has to go back to the room the caveman came from, which is now a large jungle, and get the skull back.

Jesse and Charlie do so, fighting off pterodactyls and the huge ass caveman. Jesse ends up bringing a baby pterodactyl back with him and hiding it in the kitchen. When Bill Maher wants to see, to only prove Jesse is either crazy or a cheating bastard, Gramps pulls an old switcheroo and brings the Ex-Girlfriend back. Kate really has had it and leaves Jesse for good.

The skull has returned and now we have a new visitor. Hey, it's Cliff from "Cheers"! Here, he's Bill, an electrican who sticks his nose into shit. Soon, some leftovers from "Temple of Doom" appear and steal the skull. (Hm, that's kinda interesting...) Bill finds a huge hole in the living room that leads to a leftover set from Temple of Doom and they find the skull along with a virgin about to be sacrificed. Bill kicks some ass, Jesse gets the skull and saves the girl and Bill reveals to not only be an electrican but an "adventurer".

During dinner, Gramp's old partner Sam shows up, claiming the skull and shooting Gramps. This time Jesse must fight Sam in a showdown to the death that takes place in several rooms in the house. The police show up for some weird reason and want to kill Jesse. Jesse manages to stop Sam and get the skull back, but it's too late for Gramps, who tells Jesse to let the skull take him wherever he wants to go then get rid of it.

So Jesse walks into a room that looks like the room in "Poltergeist", cause it's all lightly bright and I guess he, Charlie, and Virgin Chick went back to the wild west, where they bury Gramps with the skull and live happily ever after. I guess. And Kate is stuck with Bill Maher. Good luck with that.

"House 2" is more of a comedic approach instead of a scary version. Sure the first one had it's funny moments but there was more drama and scary crap going on. This one was more like a Halloween episode of a 80's sitcom. Like Cousin Larry is running from ghosts or something. But it was still good and watchable. I felt sorry for Jesse until I realized he started this whole thing by digging up Gramps. So screw him.

-Jason

On The Road Again...

The next three days of 30 Days will not be posted
and
This weeks Fight for #1 will skip a week

Cause I'm out of town. However, I will still watch the movies and report back on them when I return home on Monday. Sorry for the inconvience.
-Jason

Day 9: The Midnight Meat Train

I wanted to see this movie badly when it came out. I was curious. It features Vinnie Jones as a killer who kills people on a train. And what does the title mean exactly? Now that I know, I wish I could undo my wanting.

Leon is a photographer who's told by Brooke Shields to shoot more dark disturbing images and maybe she'll give him a photo gallery opening. He goes out one night and finds Vinnie and takes his picture. This leads him to a dark road that's frustrating and pretty stupid.

Leon is also dating a hot girl Maya who gets involved with everything as well. Leon starts stalking Vinnie, finding out he's a butcher by day. When he follows him down to the subway and onto the train, he watches Vinnie chop up some random innocent people. Vinnie finds him soon enough and simply knocks him out. Leon wakes up to find a weird symbol carved into his chest. And now Vinnie does the stalking.

Maya enlists the help of a friend named Jergin or something to break into Vinnie's apartment and look for Leon's camera, which was stolen and contains evidence. Of course any other night Vinnie would be gone all night but no on this night he's only gone for ten minutes. Vinnie kills Jergin and Maya runs to the police. She meets a police chick who is rather indifferent about the whole thing. Maya and Leon now decide it's time to take matters into their own hands.

Leon arms himself with knives galore and gets on the train, where Maya already is at. And rather stupidly, there's a whole train car full of people hanging upside down. This is stupid because this train went through a bunch of stops and you can clearly see the bodies through the windows. So to have them just hanging there while the train goes to it's final destination is really dumb.


Leon and Vinnie confront and it's an epic battle. Leon manages to throw Vinnie out of the car and we all think it's over, but nope. The train stops and the conductor gets out, simply saying "Move away from the meat." Then the entire backstory on what's been going on is explained.

Apparently there some underground dwellers (CHUD perhaps?) who conductor, Vinnie, and even the fucking lady cop work for by providing "human meat". The conductor says it's a secret society and now Leon has been chosen to continue on Vinnie's work, who makes a return. Leon fights him and ends up cutting the shit out of him. The conductor then rips out Leon's tongue. Ohh, anytime a tongue is ripped out, there isn't a happy ending. The conductor then kills Maya and tells Leon to follow him.

And well he does, now dressing up like Vinnie in dark suits and carrying around a purse full of murder weapons. This movie is stupid.


This movie is also really freakin' long. And the credits say "based on a SHORT STORY", so I'm guessing the story was just the murders and the filmmakers threw in all this extra crap that I left out, like all the Brooke Shields stuff and Maya and Leon getting married and Leon being a damn vegetarian and whatnot. Just avoid this movie cause the graphics are horrible and it just drags and drags and drags.


-Jason

Day 8: Poltergeist 2/Poltergeist 3

I swear Mormons made "Poltergeist 2". Not only does the main "villian" dress like a Mormon priest, but the ending was filled with so much sugary family love I almost puked up the cavity I got as a result.

The first sign that this movie was gonna go badly was none of the original writers, directors, and even some of the cast returned. And Tobe Hooper and Steven Speilburg's name was left off during the opening credits. And the main fault this movie has is going in depth in explaining the crap that went on in the first.

We start with Taylor, our Indian hero fellow, arriving at the site of the old Freeling house, which as you remember imploded upon itself. Digging inside a hole is Little Zelda Rubinstein, who called Taylor over to check this shit out. They find a cave underground filled with bodies. These bodies were the ones that were "poltergeisting" in the previous film. See, I liked it better when I thought it was just random ghosts fucking shit up. Now they explained who, exactly, the ghosts was.

And the family is now living with Grandma, who's a bit on the weird side. It's revealed later on that she's a quarter psychic (on the mothers side) and now thinks both Carol Ann (Still Heather O'Rourke) and Mom (Still Jobeth Williams) are psychic too. Craig T. Nelson is back, no surprised, but I am that Jobeth Williams is, considering the shit that went down during the filming of the first film.

Who is missing is the teenage daughter. They never explain what happened to her. So they did a "Family Matters", where a character mysteriously vanishes and no one talks about her ever again...

Soon, Grandma dies and communicates to Carol Ann via a toy phone. While shopping at a mall, the creepy ass Reverend Kane appears and sings his creepy ass song. Soon, Kane is stalking Carol Ann (Where's Chris Hanson when you need him?) and it's revealed that he's the leader of the Poltergeists.



Taylor arrives at the Freelings after one night when shit starts happening again and things are flying and lights are appearing and stuff. Taylor is there to protect Carol Ann and help Craig T. Nelson become a "warrior".

But he mainly just sits on his ass while Kane shows up at the door, hypnotizing Craig T. Nelson, then later when Robbie's braces get a life of their own and try to electrocute the family. Taylor says only mystical mumbo jumbo will save their asses, so he blows smoke in Craig T. Nelson's face and says "There, now go fight evil."

But Craig T. Nelson can't handle this crap and decides to drink instead. He drinks tequila, which as you know has a worm inside it. He accidently drinks the worm, which ends up getting possessed and therefore possesses Craig T. Nelson.

This is where the film stops being somewhat OK and moves to "UGH" territory. Craig T. Nelson nearly raps Jobeth Williams, then he vomits up the giant worm, which goes throughout the house, trying to kidnap Carol Ann. They all get in the car, and heeding the advice of Taylor, goes back to the site of their old house and stop this shit once and for all.

So who's this Reverend Kane and these ghosts exactly? Well, back in the 1800's he was some religious nut who thought the world was gonna end tomorrow so he got some followers, buried themselves in an underground cave and, well, died. But Kane thinks he's still alive and wants Carol Ann cause he's a creepy fuck.

The family get into the cave where Carol Ann and Mom suddenly vanish and just like that they're floating around on a green screen. Craig T. Nelson and Son jump in the fire (cue the Metallica song!) and soon the entire family is floating on a green screen. It reminded me of "Neverending Story" for some reason. And yes, the power of love is keeping them safe.

Well not for long.

Carol Ann is kidnapped by a weird monster version of Kane and all hope seems to be lost. But soon, here comes Dead Grandma, floating by holding Carol Ann. Kane returns and you think "Oh yes epic show down! Blow on him, Craig T. Nelson! USE SUPERBREATH!" but no. Taylor throws a spear to Craig T. Nelson, Craig T. Nelson goes "ugh" and stabs Kane, who simply blows up. The family appears back in the cave, all happy and in love and crap. Due to a running joke too lame to mention here, Taylor steals their car, stranding them with the dead bodies and taa-daa it's over.

Onto "Poltergeist 3". The only remaining character and actor from the previous two is Carol Ann, still played by Heather O'Rourke. Here, she's been shipped off to Chicago to live with her ridiculously rich Aunt and Uncle, played by Nancy Allen and Tom Skeritt. They have their own daughter, Donna, played by Lara Flynn Boyle, who much love roles where she plays a Donna.

Anyway, Uncle Tom (umm...sorry) owns some huge giant skyscraper and turned it into a mall, apartments, and art gallery. 95% of the movie takes place in this movie, kinda like in "Gremlins 2". In fact I wouldn't doubt it if Gremlins 2 was parodying this movie.

Carol Ann is going to some school for gifted kids but the head shrink, who's name I swear is Dr. Satan, thinks Carol Ann is full of shit and never went through any ghost related things. In fact, everyone teases her about it, even Dr. Satan.

Aunt Nancy is having some art gallery opening that he's dragging Tom to, so Donna has to stay behind to baby sit Carol Ann. But there's a party going on that a cute boy is having. Carol Ann tells Donna to go and that she and Laura Palmer will be fine.

But of course they're not fine. I won't get into Laura Palmer but Carol Ann is now being stalked by the good ol' Reverend Kane. And oh boy are there a shitload of mirrors in this movies. Carol Ann's room is lined with mirrors. There's mirror all over the skyscraper. There's even freakin mirrors in Carol Ann's class. They should've subtitled this movie "Mirrors".

Anyway, the "poltergeists" in this movie are everybodies evil mirror image. Carol Ann's grabs her, but Carol Ann manages to get away. Zelda Rubinstein (oh yeah, she's in this too, so that makes two from the past two films) hears Carol Ann's "shining" and is on her way to help.

Donna, meanwhile, is running loose in the building with her boyfriend and friends. When they break into the security room, they find Carol Ann running around. They find her, but soon are dragged into hell through a puddle. When Dr. Satan gets a call from Zelda, he thinks it's Carol Ann playing a trick. See, Dr. Satan is an asshole and thinks Carol Ann is making all this up for attention I guess. Soon he finds himself deep into it when the evil mirror images of Donna and her boyfriend kill him.

So now Aunt Nancy and Mr. Tom are to the rescue! But Aunt Nancy decided to be an evil bitch suddenly and wants to get rid of Carol Ann. Tom shows some sympathy and wants to help. Then they go on a crazy supernatual adventure involving freezers, ice, cars, and yes more mirrors.

Eventually, it's up to Aunt Nancy to "break on through to the other side" and...not do anything. Instead Zelda sacrifices herself and offers to show Kane how to get to the light, which is what he wanted in the past 3 films! When this is done, the regular versions of everyone comes back and they all lived happily ever after. AWWW!

THOUGHTS ON POLTERGEIST 2:
This didn't need to be made. If Tobe Hooper and/or Steven Speilberg didn't want anything to do with this movie, then it should've just stayed to the one film. Did we really need an explaination? Just let them be angry ghosts attacking the family. And why all the love crap? Telling ya. Mormons.


THOUGHTS ON POLTERGEIST 3:
I thought it was just ok. It was more like "how much weird and surreal shit can we have happen" then anything like the original Poltergeist. And the sudden change in Nancy Allen's character is a bit jarring. One minute she loves Carol Ann, the next she wants to drown her. Jeez, lady, you were partners with Robocop for cryin' out loud. Have some compassion.


Anyway, screw these sequels and stick to the first.
-Jason

Day 7: Poltergeist

I really don't plan on getting to in depth with this movie. Everybody knows about it, even if you haven't seen it. It's one of the most famous (and infamous) horror movies out there. And I'll be honest, it's creeps me the fuck out. I watched it early in the morning and I'm all freaked out.

Of course the making of the movie and the aftermath is about as famous (and infamous) as the movie itself. During production all kinds of crazy shit happened. People were getting into car accidents and breaking bones and stuff. Things would happen for no reason. And of course, a few cast members died after the making, including the little girl that played Carol Ann, Heather O'Rourke.

I don't know if you remember a little while back I made a ranting post about DISH Network sorta poking fun at this movie and including footage of O'Rourke while a very much alive and older Craig T. Nelson sold us cable and how fucked up that whole thing was. The ad's didn't last too much longer after I wrote that. Not saying I had anything to do with that, but it's fun to pretend.

But like I said, everyone knows at least what the movie's about and some of the scenes from it. A typical family lives in a nice house, the little daugther Carol Ann starts talking to imaginary friends that turn out to be mean ass spirits. Soon freaky shit happens and Carol Ann is kidnapped by the poltergeists. Mom and Dad (Jobeth Williams and Craig T. Nelson) hire some ghost hunters to find her, and they bring in Crazy Psychic Lady, Zelda Rubinstein to help, who tells the family the spirits are pissed off and they're jealous of Carol Ann's ability to still be alive. So Mom goes to the spirit world to rescue Carol Ann and Zelda delievers one of the most famous movie lies ever:

"This house is clean."

Yeah far from it.

After the family decides to move the fuck out (finally), the spirits get more pissed off and form a giant vagina in the kid's closet.


And of course that damn clown:


Then there's this thing:


Clean my ass.

Soon it's discovered that the douchebag that developed these houses built them over sacred graves and only moved the headstones but not the bodies. The family gets the hell out of the house and soon it fucking impoldes into itself. Fuckin' A.

I've seen this movie a shitload of times and every time it never fails to freak me out. I hardly ever get scared at horror movies, but "Poltergeist" is in my top five of movies that do. For more infomation on all the fucked up shit that happened during and after the making of this movie, check out the Wikipedia article.

-Jason

Day 6: Bride of Re-Animator/Beyond Re-Animator

Today I'm taking on the two sequels to one of my favorite bringing dead people back to life movies "The Re-Animator". If you need a refresher on what happened in the first film click here.

"Bride" picks up 8 months later and Dr.'s Herbert West and Dan Cain are in South American as doctors during some kind of war. West is still up to his expermienting ways, this time on dying soliders. Dan is there for the hell of it, I guess. There's also a chick named Francesca who is now Dan's new love interest. The war gets out of hand and soon they're attacked. West and Cain are like "Fuck this" and they go back home.

Yes, the same hospital as the first film took place in. I'm surprised they're even welcomed there. Wouldn't they have heard by now that these two might have had something to do with all the weird crap that happened?

Well, one cop, Det. Leslie thinks so, and he spends the first half of the film stalking them, talking to people, including Dr. Graves. Dr. Graves is holding all the evidence from the big "massacre" that happened in the hospital, including West's Re-Agent.

West and Cain share a house again and this time West wants to create new life with his Re-Agent stuff. Basically, this film is "Frankenstein" but a bit reworked. So West has been stealing body parts from the hospital, which is making everyone notice.

Fran shows up and starts throwing herself on Dan, almost immedately fucking. Det. Leslie shows up out of nowhere and bursts into West's secret lab, finding all the body parts. Leslie is pissed cause one of the people West worked on in the first film was his wife, who's now a drooling idiot zombie in the hospital's psych ward. Leslie attacks West, who uses this new potion that gives people heart attacks (don't ask, it's complicated) on Leslie, killing him.

Of course West brings him to life and Leslie freaks out, attacking Fran, her dog, and Dan. Soon, he runs out of the house. Fran freaks out when West re-animates Fran's dead dog, and attaches a human hand to it. Dan slowly starts to think "What the fuck am I doing?"

At the hospital, Dan is also falling for a dying patient named Gloria. She's got some mystery disease and she ends up dying from it. When they both agree Gloria has a pretty head (uh oh) West does in fact steal it for their West/Cain monster going on in the basement.

With Dan completely flipped the fuck out, he helps West bring Gloria-monster to life!

Meanwhile, Dr. Graves finds the head of Dr. Hall from the first film, and stupidly brings him back to life. Hall wants revenge on West and tells Graves to do his bidding, which he won't. Thankfully, Leslie comes by to free his drooling zombie wife and decides to help Hall out...by seriously attaching his head to bat wings.



Gloria-monster comes to life and West recieves a mysterious package. He opens it and finds Hall-bat inside.

You know, this is a weird ass movie.

So all hell breaks loose, with zombies running around. And West was experiementing on the side by attaching weird limbs to other weird parts and they start attacking. Soon, the entire house is full with undead people trying to attack Dan, West, and Fran, who wants in on the deal suddenly or something. Gloria-Monster falls for Dan, but he rejects her cause she's nothing but a punch of living tissue just working together. Gloria-Monster don't handle rejection well and she rips herself apart.

Soon, they all break into a moseleum which is next door to their house (they lived in a mortuary you see) but it's an old mosulem, so when Hall-Bat bumped into a beam, the entire thing came crashing down, killing all the zombies, burying West, and making Hall-Bat just scream. Dan and Fran (Hey! That rhymed! I get it now!) lived.

So of course there was a sequel "Beyond Re-Animator". They don't really mention how West got out of that rubble but he survived.

The start of "Beyond" starts off like a slasher film, which had me thinking this was the wrong movie. There's two kids in a tent telling ghost stories when they hear something in the bushes. Inside the house is one of the kid's older sister Emily. She's being stalked by a POV camera. When the kids come running in, the POV camera reveals itself to be a walking zombie. Ah, now it's a Re-Animator film.

The zombie soon kills Emily in front of her brother Howard. The police come in and stop the zombie. Soon, they're arrest West for the murder of Emily. Howard watches as West drops a syringe of Re-Agent and he picks it up.

13 years later, we find West has been in prison for that duration and the Warden of the prison is giving a tour/interview to Laura, a hot reporter chick. Also on this day a grown up Howard starts as the resident doctor. He chose that prison so he could work with West, who gets assigned as his assistant.

West has been busy experimenting on rats, one of whom belongs to Rat Guy, a former prisoner. Rat Guy isn't happy that his rat is gone and knows West did something with him. West learned how to fix the re-animated corpses that tend to go crazy, as we've seen in the past two films. West experiments on some Big Ugly Dude who had a heart attack but it doesn't go right and he ends up like all the others. So West then introduces his new theory, which is after using the Re-Agent, zap them with some electrical stuff that comes from the body after it dies.

West and Howard test this on Pet Rat turning it from a blood thirsty zombie to a docile rat. West gives it back to Rat Guy before West gets shivved. Armed with this knowledge, they're anxious to get to work. Laura, who's been fucking Howard for a few weeks now, wants to learn more about West, so she goes back to the prison to snoop around.

But Warden, who's a militaristic asshole, wants to bone Laura too. So when Laura breaks into the sell of Big Ugly Dude and he starts to attack, Warden finds out and makes her bark like a dog...for some reason. When she tries to run away, he strangles her.

The guards take Laura's body to Howard, who's pissed off. West sees this has the perfect opportunity to test his new idea on a human. He gives her the Re-Agent, but they need a human brain electricity. Hmm...thankfully here comes Warden, to yell some more. West kills Warden and takes his brain electricity and transfers it to Laura. She comes alive but...starts acting like a militaristic asshole. Hmmm...

Rat Dude notices that his rat isn't acting the same and he thinks West switched rats on him. Big Ugly Dude roams free in the prison, letting Rat Dude out of his cell. Rat Dude then proceeds to let all the prisoners out and a full blown prison riot happens!

Laura is confused and angry at the same time and catches the eye of Rat Dude, who wants to rape her dead. The asshole part takes over and she takes care of him and his posse in no time flat.

West sees the riot has the perfect chance to escape but he decides to get revenge on the warden by bringing him back to life and giving him brain electricity of a rat. Warden comes back to life and starts acting like a human sized rodent. Laura is slowly fully transforming into an asshole. Warden comes by and tries to make Laura go down on him, which she does, but soon, she bites down and throws up dick. Now the rat has a new toy to play with.

Big Ugly Dude finds the hot nurse and begs for forgiveness after ripping her clothes off (boobies woo!). When she forgives him, he, seriously, bits her boob off.

I...yeah.

Laura discusses her relationship by kicking Howard's ass repeatedly. A major showdown ensues with Laura vs Howard and West vs Warden. West gets Warden in the electric chair, straps him in and fries the bastard. Laura is about to choke Howard when he finds a knife and cuts her head off. West steals Howard's ID badge to get past the guards outside. Inside, Howard has gone fucking insane and just laughs and laughs and laughs.

So Howard is crazy, Laura is headless, and West is free to do whatever in the 4th movie that's sure to follow. And for some reason, we keep getting footage of the rat playing with the Warden's dick, which is alive for some reason. Ok.

THOUGHTS ON "BRIDE":
I thought this was alright. It's definately not anything like the original. I sometimes felt sorry for Dan but also wondered why he's doing this crazy shit. West is a major asshole who only cares about himself. In a way he reminds me of Ben from "Lost". He does asshole things and talks good people into doing them with him. But the more it went on, the cooler it got, especially the scene where they bring back the "Bride" and all the craziness that went on inside the house. The Hall Bat thing was weird though.


THOUGHTS ON "BEYOND":
This movie was pretty good. I dug it. I was a bit confused on why 98% of the cast and crew were Hispanic and/or Latin. I guess the only place they could make this movie was in Mexico or something. The idea of putting the brain electricity in people to make them act normal, but then they start inhibiting the behaviors of the people the brain electricity came from was a cool idea. We get to see a lot of tits, which is always a plus in my book. And there was a lot of un-intentional humor, like when Laura was dead, but the actress was clearly moving her eyes under her eyelids. Then there's the whole thing with the rat and dick...



Yeah I quite liked this movie.

-Jason

Day 5: Jeepers Creepers 2

This movie is fucking retarded.

I saw the first film back in 2001 when it was first released on VHS (Ah, those were the days). I quite enjoyed it. It had the right kind of creepiness, the right kind of mystery, the right kind of suspense. The title was kinda stupid but I dealt with it. But imagine my surprise when I heard there was a sequel cause I don't remember the first doing that great. Granted, now a days horror movies don't need to do "good" just "kinda ok" in order to get a sequel.

But I refuse to call this a sequel cause nothing in this film resembles, or even mentions, except for maybe two things, the first film. And the two things are this:

1. Every 23 years "It" comes out and feeds for 23 days.
2. Some dude who may or may not be the dude from the first film is missing his eyes.

That's it. I hate this movie.

So we start off with a farm family as Little Kid is putting up scarecrows. He notices one of them moves and when he investigates, finds it's quite alive and is taken away. Dad (played by Laura Palmers dad...seriously!) and Dad Jr watch as Little Kid flies away forever.

Now we're following the exploits of Douchebag High and their football team The Douches! All the guys sing this annoying fight song, all the girls are like "Whatever!" and all the geeks are "Why are we here?". Apparently Douchebag High won their big game or something but Scotty, the mildly racist asshole, is pissed cause "he didn't get to play".

Soon, the bus' tire blows out and the bus driver finds some ninja throwing star made out of skin and bone in the tire. This gives us the chance to watch THE GAYEST FOOTBALL TEAM IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD to interact with each other.

They sunbath on the roof of the bus shirtless. And, seriously, they all piss together. Come on guys, you know comedians talk about this all the time. "Why is it that women have to go to the bathroom together in a pack? You never see men doing this?" And yes, they're all open with their dicks out, practically shoving them into each other's hands and stuff. I knew there was something to all that butt patting going on.

Then they have the gall to pick on this guy Izzy, who may or may not be gay. Dudes, you're showing each other your dicks, I don't think you have the right to call anyone gay.

After some "Dawson/90210/One Tree Hill" crap with Scotty and Izzy and the black dudes, the bus driver decides to drive anyway. Then suddenly it turns to "Final Destination" when one chick gets psychic visions of "It" attacking the school bus. And Justin Long. She sees Justin Long as well. And sure enough, here it comes, blowing out the other tire.

Soon, it eats both coaches and the bus driver, leaving these asshole and/or retarded football players, the cheerleaders, and whoever the geeks are suppose to be alone. It's safe to say the remainder of the film takes place on this damn bus.

Well, we do get some scenes of Farmer Palmer building something but we don't quite see what.

Back at the bus, some minor WB crap happens when "It" appears, and I swear this was borderline parody cause "It" was winking all stupid, smiling all weird, and practically making an ass out of itself. According to Suddenly Psychic "It's" picking out who to eat.

"It" manages to rip a hole in the roof and grab one student, but someone finds a long pointy stick and stabs it in the heart, letting the student go. It passes out while flying, landing on the bus, shattering all the windows. The Douche Students try to leave but they're so retarded they don't know that all buses have EMERGENCY WINDOWS when the doors won't open.

Soon, "It" wakes up, grabs some guys head (in the movies only cool scene) and digests it. Now it has energy (and a new head) to fight these retards. Scotty is like "fuck this, I'm racist eat the black people" and leaves, but "It" comes flying around and the students just run out into the open field.

One of the nerdy kids got ahold of Farmer Palmer, who is on the hunt for "It", on a CB radio on the bus. Farmer Palmer is coming to the rescue! But first, "It" throws a knife into Scotty's arm, pinning it to a tree. Since everyone's retarded, they can't simply pull the knife out without it taking 20 minutes. When they finally do, "It" snatches Scotty up, to cry out in douchebag pain.

Finally, here comes Farmer Palmer and the thing he was working on was some large ass harpoon gun that he uses to shoot at "It". I shouldn't have to tell you this doesn't work. Like...at all. "It" drags the truck down the road, even flipping it over, totally totalling it. (I mention this for a reason.)

Izzy, a black dude, and some chick (like the other characters have names, pfft) find a truck and try to outrun "It", who's gunnin' after them. Izzy pulls the whole "I'm gonna suddenly stop and hope it keeps flying forward, then it realizes we've stopped, gets distracted and, I dunno, just die from stupidity or something" trick. Well, only one part worked: the suddenly stopping part. Everything else...not so much.

The truck completely flips around, so much that it decides to explode, killing Izzy and I guess the chick. Black dude is alive but his leg is broken. "It" lost it's wing and a leg (also important to remember). It manages to pounce on black dude and is about to eat him when...

Farmer Palmer and his truck comes along and shoots "It". WHAT?? The truck was fucking totalled! There's no way the truck was driveable AND the harpoon still worked. Fuck you movie. Fuck. You.

So Farmer Palmer has a show down with "It" continually stabbing it but that don't work. "It" goes "Fuck this" and cocoons itself. Farmer Palmer starts celebrating but Suddenly Psychic says "Uh, it's not dead. The 23 days are up." Farmer Palmer reminds her he killed his own daughter so shut the fuck up and let him celebrate.

So now we see some old truck driving up to a farm and three teenagers (the two dudes are shirtless, I swear the film makers were gay, not that it's a bad thing but why all the shirtlessness?) come out. On the farm it says "BAT OUT OF HELL TO SEE $5". And some old dude is like "Yep. Five bucks. My daddy killed it."

To spell it out, this guy is Farmer Palmer, Jr and it's now "23 years later". "It's" hanging in the farm, full skeleton (including the leg which wasn't there when it died but whatever) and here comes Old Man Farmer Palmer to say yup he killed it. And now he's waiting for it to come back alive to kill it again. And thankfully that's it.

Fuck I hate this movie. I hated every character. Everything they did was stupid. And I kept calling it "It" cause this isn't the Creeper from the first film. Sorry it isn't. They pulled a Troll 2 on us here or something. And you wanna know the fucked up part? This was produced by FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA! Yes THAT Francis Ford Coppola! How do you go from "The Godfather" to this? WHY??

That's it, I'm done. Screw this movie.

-Jason

The Fight For #1: Week 14 Results

I hate movie goers in this country. Really? I mean really? Why? I'm sure you all saw the first three. What could be so freakin' different about this movie? It's not like anybody watches these movies for the drama or the stories. Ugh, I'm gonna be sick.

This Week's Scores:
Me, Fletch, Maria,: 9
Bobbie: 5

Now if you excuse me, I got a horror movie waiting for me.
-Jason

Day 4: Updated Review: Cabin Fever

I take a look back at Eli Roth's first film.


Cabin Fever

Enjoy!
-Jason