Five For Friday: June 27th

Here's your Five for today, June 27th, 2008.

1. I Was Everywhere This Week-
This was a super busy week for me. I got (somewhat) noticed by Miss Stacie Final Girl when I participated in her Film Club by updating my review of "Lifeforce". I can't be for sure about this, but I think this film probably had the most people participate, which makes it more awesome for me? I dunno.
Also, in the very slim chance you didn't get it, or were "in on it, my review a few days ago for "The Fast and The Furious" was part of Lazy Eye Theater's Bizarro Blog-A-Thon that was going on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. You should check out the other reviews. Or DON'T check them out. HA!
In my neck of the woods, I reviewed Bratz: The Movie, which damn near made me wanna stop reviewing bad movies as a hobby. Ugh.

2. Kids vs Adults-
There's only two new movies opening up this weekend (three if you count this movie I've never heard of before): Wall-E and Wanted. So it'll pretty much be a battle of who will win this weekend, the kids or the adults? Or maybe...the adults can drop their kids off at Wall-E and go see Wanted. But then again, I wanna see both, since I'm a fan of the Pixar stuff. I have often been told that I'm pretty much a big kid in an adult body. Which explains my obsession with boobies. Heh-heh-heh...boobies.

3. In The "This Can't Possibly Be A Real Movie, Can It?" Department-

I mean, REALLY??? A whole SHITLOAD of people worked, and probably hard, on THAT! I mean...WHAT THE FUCK????

4. Save Midnight Meat Train To Georgia-
I saw this on Myspace so I thought I'd pass the word along. It's a bit lengthy so if you don't care about Midnight Meat Train, then you can skip this number.

A Plea from Clive Barker:

My Dear Friends,
As you may or may not have heard, due to certain politics, "Midnight Meat Train" is in danger of Lionsgate not giving it a wide release. The below email was brought to my attention earlier today and shows a movement, of sorts, in order to get the picture the proper support and release it deserves. I'm asking you to please help spread the word in order for all to enjoy this film. I want to passionately encourage everybody who cares about my work to use this chance to change the minds of the folks at Lionsgate. I'm excited at the prospect of a movement of people who care deeply enough to initiate a campaign such as this.

Anything any of you can do - be it emails, web postings, word of mouth, and the like - to help encourage this movement would be deeply appreciated. The film is worth the effort in my mind, and I do not want to see my work fall by the wayside.

If any of you have any further ideas, thoughts, or suggestions to help with this effort, please let me know.

Thanks, as always, for your help and support.

Much Love,
Clive

***
OPEN LETTER TO ALL HORROR FANS:

WE NEED TO START A VIRAL CAMPAIGN TO GET THIS MOVIE A WIDER RELEASE!!!

A very reliable SOURCE from within Lionsgate has told me that the decision to dump Midnight Meat Train in as few as 100 screens and then rush the film to DVD is based purely on INTERNAL POLITICS.

Something along the lines of: the new head honcho does not like the old head honcho so he is deliberately dumping all of his films out of spite and malice.

But there is HOPE. The only thing that overrides backstabbing politics in Hollywood is PURE GREED. It is clearly not healthy for investor relations to dump a movie that has a vocal and dedicated audience.

Midnight Meat Train represents the kind of horror film that audiences have been dying for!!!

There is growing internal pressure within the company for a wider release of this film and PUBLIC FAN PRESSURE may help to push this decision over the edge.

If you wish to see MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN in all its big screen glory at a THEATER near you, please do the following:

Cut and paste the message at the bottom of this post and e-mail it to:

1) Investor relations at Lionsgate: keasterling@lionsgate.com

2) Lionsgate: general-inquiries@lionsgate.com

3) call Lionsgate at (310) 449-9200 and express your desire to see MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN get the release it deserves.

BE POLITE AND PROFESSIONAL! We do not want to piss them off, just want them to know how many fans out there would like to shell out their hard earned cash to see the most groundbreaking horror film of the past ten years in a real movie theater!

4) SEND THIS E-MAIL TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!!!

WE HAVE WAITED TOO LONG FOR THIS MOVIE TO LET IT GO STRAIGHT TO DVD!!!

Post this message everywhere, send it to your horror friends and spread the word! We need to act FAST to have an effect!!!

And LONG LIVE THE MEAT!!

HERE'S A SAMPLE MESSAGE FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE (or feel free to compose your own):

Dear Lionsgate,

As a long time Clive Barker fan, I am writing you to express my strong desire to see "The Midnight Meat Train" on the big screen. Rumors are currently circulating that the film will only be released on a limited basis and I am very concerned that I will miss my opportunity to see the most highly anticipated Clive Barker film in over a decade in all of its big screen glory! There are millions of horror fans like myself who have been disappointed by the recent trend towards watered down PG-13 horror movies. Clive's work represents a return to serious, thought provoking horror movies and with Ryuhei Kitamura at the helm, I am even more excited to experience this collaboration as it was intended: in a packed theater with hundreds of other horror fans like myself!

I urge you to please give this film the release it deserves!

Many thanks,
YOUR NAME
***
Here's the trailer:

It looks interesting but I don't see it as some kind of second coming, but I also hate to see anyone's work, especially someone as well respected as Clive Barker, get pushed around and whatnot cause of studio politics. Why should a Clive Barker film be direct to video? Doesn't make sense, man.

5. Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, & Tits-
I didn't really write up a thing when George Carlin died earlier this week so I'm doing it now. I really like his comedy, even if I didn't agree with a lot of things he had to say. I think it says somethere where you can disagree with a guy, but still find him funny. His death was pretty shocking and sudden, even though he was 71 or so. He dabbled in movies, which made him somewhat famous for playin Rufus in the Bill & Ted series. He also appeared in a few Kevin Smith films, starting with Dogma and going all the way to Jersey Girl, which I'm sure the failure of it pissed him off and is probably the reason why he wasn't found in Clerks 2. Ironically, I was planning a Kevin Smith blog-a-thon but it wouldn't be until possibly later in July since I still got more shit coming up.
And I'll end this on a question: Does anybody remember The George Carlin Show? I can't recall a single episode but I remember it.

Anyway, I posted a bunch of Youtube clips today so I'll make this a link, plus I know not everyone was into him and stuff so if you wanna see this, you can make the effort to click.
George Carlin on The Ten Commandments (Not The Movie)

Thanks and enjoy!
-Jason

Movies I Like #4: The Fast & The Furious

This is easily one of the best movies to ever be made and it's about my favorite topic: street car racing. Anyone who knows me knows that I love to go on and on about street car racing. You often can see me playing video games, or reading books and magazines about it. It's a shame I don't have a car, I would totally pimp it out to have a hemmy.

Anyway, this 2001 movie stars Vin Diesel and Paul Walker, two of the best actors of our time. Paul Walker is Brian, a street racing enthusist who wants to get into Vin's car racing "team". He does this by poking his nose into a street race one night by racing for pinks. You probably don't know what that means cause you aren't up on your car racing knowledge like me and the makers of this fine film are. Pinks means the pink slip which in "square talk" means the registration. So if Brian loses, Vin owns his car.

And we know we're in for a great movie when a rapper shows up. This time we get the delightful acting chops of Ja Rule, who I believe simply plays himself, which he does a good job of. So the race begins and we get a kickass CGI effect of all the great mechanical parts of the cars Vin and Brian are driving. But Brian blows his load too early and ends up trashing his car, making Vin the winner.


But soon the 5-0 show up and Vin thinks he can just hide his car and just walk in broad moonlight. Well, no. A cop spots Vin cause he's so damn unique looking that hiding is out of the question and Vin takes off on foot. Brian shows up and saves his ass.

Unfortunately they end up on someone else's "turf", belonging to Johnny Tran. Tran blows up Brian's car, which means Vin and Brian have to take a cab home. It's totally explained in the movie that Vin didn't wanna get the car he just hid. Just trust me. Watch the movie to see the explaination, I don't wanna spoil it.

Anyway, Brian and one of Vin's friends Vincent have problems with each other ever since they both beat the crap out of each other earlier that day. It's clear that Brian wants to get it on with Mia, Vin's sister and vice versa. And Mia is so hot. Most guys find giant foreheads a turnoff, but not me. The bigger the better I always say. And in that I mean their foreheads.


The next day, Brian gets pulled over by some cops. We don't know why until they arrive at some top secret house that the L.A.P.D apparently moved into at some point. I think this is a good idea. Houses are more comfortable rather then cold stone buildings with jail cells and the like. Anyway, we learn a SHOCKING TRUTH!!! SO shocking that I had to pause the movie and take several deep breaths.

You see Brian...(SPOILER!!! I hate to spoil such a fine movie but I need to continue on with how awesome this movie is, so yeah. Spoiler.)

IS AN UNDERCOVER COP!!!!

His mission is to find out who is hijacking all these trucks full of DVD players and whatnot. And the truckers are getting pissed off that all this hijacking is happening. It makes sense really. Cause truckers are too damn stupid to do anything when one of the robbers climbs from a car to their truck on a tightrope, so naturally they're gonna start arming themselves with shotguns and just blast these hijackers to kingdom come.


The police, lead by one Stottlemeyer, want to know who the hijackers are to save the hijackers lives. So they sent Brian to check out Vin's "team" to see what they're up to. And I gotta give it up to Paul Walker here. He's so convincing as a cop. I mean if he showed up with that small pistol that's obviously police issued and he said "Uh...police" I would be like "Yes sir officer!!" and put my hands up right away.

So anyway, there's a bunch more but you should see the movie, it's great. Brian slowly gains Vin's trust. Brian eventually boinks Mia. We get a "Godfather" like vibe in certain scenes. And there's even a lot of red herrings as to who the hijackers are! You'd think it'd be obvious but nope! This movie is very clever and keeps us in suspense until the end.

And of course there's tons of racing. Racing between regular people on the street. Racing between each other. And there's even some super secret race that's held in the desert so the police can't stop them. And the racers are very discreet too, sticking to only small numbers and not making a lot of noise. It's awesome.

And this whole desert race thing is so super important to the movie. I can't even begin to tell you. Eventually though, Brian reveals to Mia he's 5-0 and we learn (ANOTHER SPOILER!!!!!!!!!!! OK GOOD) that Vin and his gang ARE THE HIJACKERS!!! GASP!!! I didn't see that one coming, folks.

During a hijacking, which takes place during daytime because no body expects to be hijacked during the day, on the open road, Vincent gets shot and is trapped on the truck. Michelle Rodriguz, who plays Vin's girlfriend, crashes, but thank god she survived all that twisted metal that was left when the car crashed. When it looks like Vincent is gonna die on the side of a truck, here comes Brian to save the day!! YAY!!!! I was so excited during this scene I couldn't stay seated.

Vin learns the truth about Brian, but instead of beating him to a pulp he decides to seek revenge on Tran for putting a hit on Giovanni Robisi. Brian tries to stop this but Tran shows up and kills Giovanni. Dang and he was a likeable character too. I cried when this happened.

Between Vin and Brian, they stop Tran and his gang, and eventually race each other. Things look like they're gonna end happily, but uh oh! There's a train coming!! And I don't wanna ruin it but let me just say this: there's a reason why the sequel, which I'm so gonna rent next cause it looks awesome and was completely nessessary, only stars Paul Walker.

Anyway. This movie is just great. I loved every minute of it. The acting was great, the CGI effects was great. And the racing scenes didn't give me a headache. And I loved the fact that the movie didn't stick with one song during each scene. It was like there was a jukebox playing over the movie. I'm buying this soundtrack next week when I get paid. And I totally believed Michelle Rodriguz as a straight woman that loves to boink Vin Diesel. I can't believe she's a lesbian when she can make out with a hunk of man like that.


-Jason

New Review: Bratz: The Movie

If you ever wonder what me having a nervous breakdown while slowly losing my mind looked like, read on my friends. Read on.

Bratz: The Movie

Enjoy!
-Jason

Five For Friday: June 20th

(Edit: I changed the name of this feature cause while reading Lazy Eye Theater's blog, I see he has a Top Five Tuesday. His is a list of movies where mine is just 5 things from the top of my head, but still.)

Here are the top five things going on in the past, present and future for June 20th, 2008!

1. Be Kind, Rewind is out on DVD. And it seems like people were rather harsh towards it. I haven't seen it yet, but if I get to a video store this weekend I'm definately renting it. One of the problems I've heard about is how it's about a VHS rental place. Going solely by the trailer, I kinda assumed:
-maybe it took place in the early-to-middle '90's when VHS was still around and DVD wasn't in yet, or just so new that a lot of places didn't have them yet. Yet again, I'm just going by the trailer. The movies featured were Robocop, Ghostbusters, Boyz N The Hood, Driving Miss Daisy, and The Lion King. I don't see any mention of "The 40-Year-Old Virgin" or even like "Batman Begins".
or
-if it does take place in the present, maybe it's one of those small towns where there are no major video store chain (like Blockbuster or Hollywood Video), and the residents of said town are happy with their VHS choices, so they keep the VHS-only shop in business. Like, the residents aren't hardcore movie goers like you and me, but enjoy a movie now and then. Be like "Dude! I got this baggie of weed, dude! We should, like, rent that robot movie about a cop and watch it!!! What's it called again?"
I'm just concerned cause it's a Michel Gondry movie, who is like 100% awesome in my book, so I can't even figure out how this movie can't be good on some level.

2. Also out on DVD is Fool's Gold. Anybody who seen the movie, can you answer me this? What is it exactly? Is it a comedy? An action/comedy kinda like "Romancing The Stone" and "Jewel of The Nile"? Or is it a sappy rom-com with a little action thrown in. Cause the movie kinda interests me, but I really don't like romantic comedies. (I guess you could argue that both "Stone" and "Nile" are action with a little rom-com thrown in, but whatever.)

3. DAMMIT! Movies I'm Looking Forward To That Isn't "The Dark Knight"...DAMMIT!:
Step Brothers

(Sorry if all the dammit's had you thinking it was 24: The Movie, I just been hearing so many bad things about this movie it's kinda frustrating.)

4. I so badly want to get the Dirty Harry Collection, with all the films (Dirty Harry, Magnum Force, The Enforcer, Sudden Impact, The Dead Pool). I've only seen I think 3 of them (Dirty Harry, The Enforcer, & Sudden Impact) but DAMMIT I'm a male, I gotta own these!

5. Speaking of macho movies, I was talking to a friend a few weeks ago online and he presented with me this challenge. "Name a Charles Broson movie that isn't Deathwish, and you have 30 seconds (or something) to do it (Meaning I couldn't look it up)." I could've gone the obscure trivial route and named the original House of Wax with Vincent Price, where Charles Bronson played the mute assistant, but instead I went with "Ten Till Midnight". As far as I know, not a lot of people know about it, so allow me to tell you as much as I can.

Ten Till Midnight tells the age old story of a serial killer who likes to kill people naked. In that I mean HE'S naked while killing them. You're probably gonna think this is messed up, but I saw this movie when I was 10 or 11. My mom, being the most awesome Mom in the world, and I watched a TV-Edit of this and we were like "Ok, how are they gonna get around the dude being naked." Turns out they filmed his nude scenes (yes he was shown naked, man-meat n all) but he was wearing blue underwear. I remember cause it was also blue underwear, like he wore the same undies the entire movie, which I think takes place over several months, so that's mildly disturbing. Of course they didn't change the dialouge, so it didn't make sense of Bronson to be like "He's a naked serial killer" but they show him in underwear. Whatever. Get Ten Till Midnight, you won't regret it.

That'll do it. Thanks! And enjoy this first day of summer!
-Jason

Movies I Like #3: The Big Lebowski

This episode of "Movies I Like" is bought to you by the LAMB Movie of The Month, a new feature over at the LAMB. Read this post to learn more. And later on this month, I'll either update this post, or make a new post, with a link to all the other LAMB's reviews of this movie. And I can't wait to read everyone elses thoughts and reviews about this movie.

If you think about it, "The Big Lebowski" is pretty much "Seinfeld: The Movie".

Really. Stay with me on this.


The Dude is like Jerry, if Jerry was a stoned slacker. Trouble just seems to find him and is surrounded by weird wild crazy ass people and seems to get himself deeper and deeper into situations.

Walter is kinda like Kramer. Kramer was all big about following the rules. Like remember the episode where Kramer was a chaparone for a Miss America contestant and had to go on that date with her and Jerry? And both come up with hair-brained schemes.

In a way I suppose, Donny is George. I mean if Seinfeld was allowed to have swearing, couldn't you picture everyone saying "Shut the fuck up, George!"

And Elaine could be represented by two female characters: Bunny Lebowski cause if you think about it, Elaine was kind of a slut. And Maude Lebowski, cause on top of being a slut, Elaine was (trying to be) a strong independant woman.

And the plot of "The Big Lebowski" is so long and hard to explain, it's like...well, nothing. I don't mean there isn't a plot, but the situations in the movie could easily make a few episodes of "Seinfeld".

Everything starts when The Dude, played awesomely by Jeff Bridges, is attacked in his home by some mob guys. Since The Dude's real name is Jeff Lebowski, the mob guys got him mixed up with ANOTHER Jeff Lebowski, a super rich dude. The mob guys piss all over The Dude's prized rug, which tied the room together. They're looking for The Big Lebowski cause his wife owes money to someone. They realize their mistake and...simply leave.

After consulting his friend Walter (John Goodman) while bowling, The Dude goes to The Big Lebowski's (aka The Rich Jeff Lebowski) house to get compensated for a new rug. The Big Lebowski does nothing but insult The Dude and tells him to get the hell out of his huge ass house. But The Dude won't take this lying down! He tells Brandt (Phillip Seymour Hoffman) that it was ok to take a rug, which he does.


While at the house, he meets Bunny Lebowski (Tara Reid...seriously who else you gonna get this to play this role), the trophy wife of Big Lebowski and the one that owes money to some one. Later, The Dude gets a call from Brandt saying Big Lebowski wants his help. It appears that Bunny was kidnapped! And the kidnappers are asking for a ransom. So they want The Dude to make the drop for them cause it might be "the rug pissers" that kidnapped her and he'd be able to identify them. So eventually they give him the money and a car phone, cause this takes place in the early 90's.

Rather stupidly, he brings Walter into this and he inserts himself into this mess, even though the kidnappers said that The Dude had to be alone. Walter takes it upon himself to exchange the money for a briefcase of dirty underwear. Walter does this cause he thinks the whole ransom thing is bullshit and that Bunny kidnapped herself to get more money from The Big Lebowski.

Well, Walter was wrong. Big Lebowski finds The Dude and asks him what happened to the money, cause the kidnappers say they didn't get it and to prove they are in fact serious, they sent Big Lebowski a severed toe, presumably Bunny's. Big Lebowski is pissed and says whatever happens to Bunny next will happen 10 fold to him.


Meanwhile, he gets a visit from Maude Lebowski (Julianne Moore), Big Lebowski's daughter. Turns out the rug The Dude took belonged to Maude's mother and it has sentimental value to her, so she knocked The Dude out and took it. Later, she tells The Dude that the money Big Lebowski wasn't actually his, but it belonged to some kids charity that Maude's in charge of. So if The Dude can get THAT money back from the kidnappers and give it to her, he'll keep a percentage of it.

So all The Dude has to do is give her back the actual money. That's sitting in The Dude's car in the trunk. Which just got stolen. Uh oh. They eventually find the car, but the money is missing and through some detective work, they track the car thief to some kid. Thinking he took the money, they arrive at his house to confront the kid and get the money back. Sitting in front of the house is a brand new Fancy Car. I'm sorry, I know jack shit about cars and I have no freakin clue what kind of car this is.

It wouldn't be right to talk about this movie and not mention the hilarious TV-edit version of this scene. I can't even intro it, just watch it.



On top of ALL OF THIS, some German Nihilists (Peter Stormare, Flea, and some other dude I don't know) are after The Dude and the money. The Dude finds out that the head Nihilist is friends with Bunny. Well, more than friends. Bunny starred in a porno produced and directed by Jackie Treehorn (Ben Garrazza) and her fuck-buddy in the movie was Mr. Stormare. Yes, they casted Peter Stormare to be in a porno. Have fun masturbating now!

Ok so what the hell is going on? It's all one big confusing mess. Essentially the following things happened:
-Big Lebowski embezzled a million dollars from the kids charity.
-Bunny in all actuality didn't get kidnapped but she ran away.
-Big Lebowski decides to turn her running away into a way to pin the missing million dollars on "a bum". So he cooked up the entire kidnapping story, filled his suitcase with phonebooks, and when "the kidnappers" (AKA The Nihilists) say "There's no fuckin' money, Lebowski", The Dude gets accused of stealing the one million dollars.
-The toe? They used one of The Nihilist's ugly ass girlfriend's toe.

The Dude figures all of this out (kinda sorta, he does a lot of acid so some facts weren't right) after boinking Maude, who just wants to have a kid with a guy that doesn't wanna "be there for the kid".

So in the end, the million dollars is gone, The Dude doesn't get anything for all his troubles (not even a rug), Flea gets hit in the nuts with a bowling ball, Donny (Steve Buschemi), who was told the entire movie to "shut the fuck up" dies of a heart attack, and I guess when Walter threw Big Lebowski on the ground after accusing him of being a fake cripple, this caused him to back off from calling the police on The Dude for taking the money.

Phew.


There's literally a bunch more things, like Sam Elliot's Narrator/The Stranger character just showing up for no reason a couple of times, but if some how you haven't seen this movie, you need to. It's just awesome and funny and makes you think. Well, ok maybe not that second thing.

-Jason

Why The Producers of My Super Ex-Girlfriend Owe Me $6

Back in early 2006 I saw the teaser trailer for Clerks 2.



Me back in '06: FUCK! YEAH!!

I was stoked! I know I'm probably in the small percent that love Kevin Smith movies, but whatever, man. It's my thing, you got your thing, let's agree to disagree, tomato, to-mat-o, call the whole thing off. So FINALLY it came out in the summer of '06.

Me back in summer of '06: FUCK! YEAH!! I'M THERE!!

So one weekend when I had a chance, me and a friend went to our local theater. I paid for my own ticket.

Me at ticket counter: One for "Clerks 2" please! Fuck yeah!

The ticket chick gives me the ticket, blandly tells me which theater it's in, and I head off my way. I decide to get a drink. My friend went ahead on into the theater. For those of you not familar with how the Showplace Theater works, here's a rough MS Paint drawing:


I don't remember which theater Clerks 2 was in, but my friend went off to the left. I grabbed my drink and I wanted to remind myself which number it was. The theater number on the ticket said 16. That's off to the right. So now I'm confused. Why did my friend go into the wrong theater? Oh that knucklehead! Let me try to find-

Wait a minute, I say. I study the ticket further and this is what I see:


The bland bored ticket chick charged me for the Luke Wilson/Uma Thurman weird ass looks dumb as hell movie "My Super Ex Girlfriend".

Me after discovering this: Huh. Weird. Fuck.

I think all the "fucks" are caused by Kevin Smith movies. I should look into that one day.

Anyway, I eventually figure out the right theater and enjoy the movie. And if you haven't seen Clerks 2, and you are in the small percentage of Kevin Smith fans, then you need to fuckin' see this movie now!! (There I go with the fuck's again.)

But here's the thing. I don't claim to be some major expert on how theaters divy up the money to each movie and their producers, but I think I know one thing and that one thing is this:

If Clerks 2 makes, let's say for example, 100 thousand dollars during it's run at Showplace, so they give that money to Clerks 2. This is why, so I'm told, that theaters charge 900 dollars for a medium coke and a bucket of popcorn, so the theater makes some money cause they give their ticket moolah to the movie companies.

What I'm saying is, whatever amount Clerks 2 earned when it was here in NW Indiana, it was minus my 6 bucks cause it went, rather unfairly, to My Super Ex-Girlfriend! Like, what the fuck?? My Super Ex-Girlfriend is getting an extra 6 bucks that it don't deserve! And I still haven't seen the movie but I'm still fairly sure it sucks ass. I guess I SHOULD give it a chance some day.

Granted, as it stands right now, there's probably not a lot I can do. I could find the filmmakers of My Super Ex Girlfriend and steal 6 bucks and then give it to Kevin Smith, but that sounds like too much hard work. The only thing I can think of is maybe steal a copy of their movie somewhere, that way it all balances out.

I don't know what to do. Fuck!
-Jason

PS: Oh if you're wondering why I still have the ticket, remind me to one day post My Prized Collection. I think you will be awestruck. AWESTRUCK I tell you!!

New Review: High School Musical 2

They're back and as annoying as ever!!

High School Musical 2

Enjoy!
-Jason

Five For Friday: June 13th

I kinda liked the thing I did last week listing five things to talk about, so maybe I'll try to make it a weekly thing. Here's five things for Friday the 13th!

1. It's Friday the 13th! I wanted to do something but I didn't know what. Seems like every movie site or blog I visit already did the "Watch all Friday the 13th films" thing, and I figure watching and/or reviewing just one would be kinda lame, so I came up short on this one. The next Friday the 13th, in February 2009, I'll be ready! For...something. BUT! I do have a neat little story to tell you, so you're totally not without something FT13 (like that?) related.

True story: My mom was pregnant with me when the first Friday the 13th was out. She saw it, being into horror movies n all (Gee I wonder where I get it from...) and thought the name "Jason" was pretty neat. Of course, as you all know, he was only mentioned by named in the first, so my dear ol' mom had no way of knowing that in just a few years "Jason" would turn from just being a name to one of movie's most brutal serial killers. And I think that's why in some lame way the FT13 films are some of my favorites, even though I haven't seen all of them and heard that the ones in the middle (between 4-7) were REALLY stupid. I mean Jason Vorhees is, in a way, a badass. You can shoot, stab, cut, punch, blow up, shock, and send him into space and he keeps on tickin' man! Fuck yeah!

2. I saw "The Zohan" last week. I usually don't do new theater reviews on this blog unless they're stupid crappy movies (Ex: Prom Night), but I will quickly say this: Zohan rocked my face off! It's like old school Sandler is back, after making a bunch of weepy, family friendly stuff. I've been hearing that people didn't dig all the penis jokes, but basically Sandler, along with Robert Smigel and Judd Apatow, the co-writers, they're all really just adults with the minds of a 11 year old. "Tee hee hee penis. He's got a giant schlong. Ha-ha!" Of course, Zohan had it's serious moments, which I think saved it from everybody's "MUST KILL" list. But the craziest thing about this movie were the cameos. I mean you got Michael "LETS GET READY TO RUMMMMMBLE!!!!" Buffer as the villian! Dave Matthews as a red neck racist wearing a fake mustache! Mariah Carey talking about bluetooth technology!! It's like wha???? I kept waiting for Bill O'Reilly to come along as the Grand Wizard of the K.K.K, not that that would be too far off. Anyway, Zohan ruled.

I also saw "Speed Racer", which was an ok movie. It was pretty to look at, but the story was a bit rough to follow. And since it was made by "The Matrix" dudes, there were a lot of slo-mo jumping.


3. So they turned "What's Happening!" into a movie and it came out today! It's weird that Kayne West got the role of Roger and-

Wait. I read my notes wrong. My bad.

"The Happening", starring Marky Mark comes out today and it's directed by Mr. Night Schwhateverlong. And all the trailers are making a deal about this being a R-Rated movie. How sad is it that R-Rated movies are a big deal again. What is this, 1981? "Oh dear! This is a R-Rated cinema film! Young Johnny shall not be setting his peepers on this film, which I'm sure is filled with exposed female breasts and that red stuff called "blood". Oh my. We shall NOT be seeing that, I tell you what. Two for Kung-Fu Panda, please?"

4. Upcoming movie I'm excited for that isn't "The Dark Knight":
Hellboy 2


5. In case you missed it: I updated my review of "Lifeforce", the infamous movie where a naked alien chick walks around for 90% of the movie, so it was in dire need of screecaps, which I PAINSTAKINGLY did for you. The trouble I go through for you guys.

Coming up, God help me: High School Musical 2: This Time They're In Space! (Ok they're probably not in space, but there will probably be more annoying unnessesary songs, and I'll have to look at that ugly Sharpay's nose for another 2 hours. I'm sure about that.)

Thanks for reading!
-Jason

Updated Review: Lifeforce

Here it is finally, the updated review for "Lifeforce", in which alien vampires in shape of a hot naked chick, run amok in London. So yes, expect lots of Boobie shots.

Lifeforce

Enjoy!
-Jason

Things To Look Out For

I don't think I have quite enough readers where people turn to me for exciting hot button topic news about stuff or whatever. But I thought it'd be a neat new feature to maybe talk about things that either already happened or are going to happen, that sorta effect the circles I run in or something. I dunno, I'm doing this by ear. And yes, all of this is gonna be random.

1. I totally embarass myself at the LAMB. Awhile back headmaster Fletch asked us to partake in this thing where we have to list and rank all the summer blockbusters in order and how much money they'll make. So I do it and I'll admit, as much as I check to see what the top ten movies are each week (I use to post em here until I stopped one day. I don't have any reason, I just stopped.) I have no freakin' clue how it all really works, how much money is a "good amount" or "bad amount" and forget even trying to FORESEE how much a movie is going to make! In the future! This would be a great time to invent a time machine. Anyway. I fill my thing out and sometime later Fletch writes back saying "Uh...the hell is this?" and says my numbers are all out of whack or something, which is strange cause I looked at other people's guesses, and what IMDb said and thought I did it close enough. Guess not. So my entry totally sucks, which really sucks cause I think there was some special prize to whoever got it right. Oh well. I still won "Sirens of the LAMB", I ain't complaining.

2. Apparently Odd Todd liked my review of "High School Musical" so much he included the link in his Thursday's Random Email! That's cool. Of course it's only a matter of time that some teeny boppers who love that/those movie(s) are gonna write in and bitch about how I don't "understand" it cause I'm "old" or something and it's not "for me". And if that happens, I'll be sure to post that email and make fun of it.

3. Thursday the 5th was my birthday! I share a birthday with (I'm not kidding) Mark "Marky" Walhberg AND Kenny G!! Wish you shared a birthday with a pretty decent actor with a large wang and a boring musican, don't ya??

4. Movie I'm looking forward to that isn't "The Dark Knight":
Pineapple Express


5. Moviefone came up with 25 Worst Sequels. Of course I disagree with a few of them (I like Weekend at Bernies 2 OK???) but overall, yeah.

See I did one that had nothing to do with me!

As for this weekend, I'm spending it with my fiancee and we're gonna go see some movies. Probably The Zohan and if I can talk her into it, The Strangers. So there won't be a review this Sunday. Darn, I know.

Peace!
-Jason

New Review: High School Musical

....

High School Musical

...
-Jason

New Review: Empire of the Ants

I needed to do an old school B-Movie before starting my month of hellish teeny-bopper films of the 21st century.

So I present to you:
"Lost" With Giant Ants

Empire of the Ants

Enjoy!
-Jason

And Now: The Ranting Mexican

You know what steams my pickle?

When people are like "the stuff that happened in that movie is TOO unbelieveable!" Like "Indiana Jones & The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull". Everybody questioned everything in that movie.

"How did Indy survive an atomic blast in a fridge?"
"How did they go over 3 waterfalls without dying?"
"How did Shia Labouif or whatever do that Tarzan thing?"

And last but not least "What?? ALIENS??"

It's like people will buy a box full of God that melts your face if you look at it, a guy ripping out the heart of another guy and NOT leave a hole in his chest, and a 900 year old guy sitting in a mountain, alive, with a bunch of cups when the first visitor he had in a billion years shows up and actually chooses the right cup, but throw in ALIENS and people are like "FUCK THAT!!"

What's so hard to believe that Indy Jones could come across aliens? I mean SOMETHING did crash in Roswell in 1947. SOMETHING is in Area 51. And Jones, in the movie universe, was there for both events, so why not?

And then I'm reading all this negetive stuff for the upcoming movie "Wanted".



Can you believe out of ALL OF THAT, the number one thing I been reading was "Uh...bullets can't curve. And Angelina Jolie isn't tattooed."

Ok, no one says the second thing. But I don't understand. Don't we, the movie lovers of the world, watch movies to escape reality? To be entertained? To turn off our brain for two hours and go "Huh huh huh...pretty..."? Why does everyone want realism? Why does everything in a fictional movie have to be based on fact? Do these same people think the plot/storylines for "Lord of the Rings" or "Narnia" are stupid and silly?

Everybody in the freakin' world (including me) loves James Bond, but does anybody go "Uh, wouldn't he have like AIDS or an STD by now?" Nope, they buy that he can bed a thousand women per film, but aliens showing up in an Indiana Jones film is TOO FAR OUT, MAN!!

And what's up with Shrimp-ola Cola?
-Jason

Et tu, Netflix?

I add the movies that I'm *sigh* gonna be watching in June to Netflix and bump them up my queue. Today I go back to see if my top few movies got sent out and I'm greeted with this:



Yes I have "Ernest Goes To Africa" on my queue. It's for a future review, ok??

Anyway, now Netflix thinks I'm a 11-12 year old, possibly a girl. This whole time I been adding on super cool movies like Lethal Weapon, Pee Wee's Big Adventure, and...Veronica Mars Season 1...I think she's hot, OK??

ANYWAY (again), now everytime I go to Netflix I'm greeted with that same exact banner. I get the feeling Netflix is never gonna let me live this down.

"But Jason," you're saying to yourself, "YOU chose to review those surely god awful movies. YOU'RE the one who's doing this to yourself. Don't blame poor harmless blameless Netflix. You easily could say 'fuck it all' and review nothing but Nightmare on Elm Street movies for the rest of the summer."

Well, person reading this blog and likes to talk to themselves, you are correct. NO ONE told me to do this. The thing is, I've come to realize that some of my best reviews are probably the ones that caused me the most suffering. For whatever reason, people seem to get a kick out of reading about a grown man going completely fucking insane while watching a movie and trying to put said movie into words. And at this point in time, the worst batch of movies that I could even THINK about reviewing are, the Horrible Four of June. So if people want it, then I'm gonna give it to them. Bring it on Zac Efronwhatever dancing like a gay retard! Bring. It. On.

(Note to self: next time include all the Bring It On movies.)

So you'll probably hear me bitch and moan about watching these movies, but keep in mind that I am self aware that I'm bringing this upon myself. It's just fun to bitch and moan about it.

While on the subject of Netflix, I saw this gem a few weeks back:



"If you LOOOOOVE Night of the Leapus, then you'll SIMPLY LOOOOOOVE Last of the Mochians AND The Godfather!" Cause all three simply go hand in hand. Remember that scene in The Godfather when Don Corleone ordered the hit on all the rabbits? And how when Bones McCoy showed up in Last of the Mochians? Those are such powerful moments in cinema, let me tell you.

Hell for all I know Bones McCoy WAS in Last of the Mochians. Anyone seen it and can verify?
-Jason

PS: Some examples of movies that caused my brain to melt and everyone seemed to love the review include
Fear of Clowns (So much so the writer and director contacted me. Ahh good times.)
House of the Dead
Cabin Fever
Billy Jack
Las Vegas Blood Bath
Murder Set Pieces

Slither: About Fuckin' Time!

Oh "Slither". It seems that forces were keeping us from meeting each other.

First when you were out in theaters I couldn't find anyone who wanted to see it with me, which is strange cause I think my friend Adam was still here in Indiana so I dunno what that was about.

Then when you finally get put on DVD, I rented you TWO different times but alas, stuff kept popping up and I never got around to it. I even tried to fit you in during "30 Days of Horror", but that didn't pan out either.

So FINALLY. On this long Memorial Day weekend, where I have nothing to do, I rent you one more time and by god I'm gonna watch you even if it kills me. Obviously it didn't cause I'm here typing.

Anyway, "Slither", as it turns out, is just an OK movie. It's far from super exciting but it's not really horrible either. The story is basically your typical "thing from outerspace crash lands on Earth, some dickwad with a stick pokes at it and now he pays the price by having the gooey slimy alien thing invade his body" plot.



Grant, the dickwad, starts getting a taste for raw meat and wanting to impregnante someone. He tries his super hot wife Starla, but the human part of Grant can't bear to do that to her. Cause he's obsessed with her, you see, as we find out during Act 3. Alien Grant shacks up with some white trash slut named Brenda and he impregants her with literally a million little slug/leech thingys. Once they spew forth from a very pregnant looking Brenda, they invade the townspeople through their mouths and soon everybody in the fucking town starts talking AND acting like Grant, demanding to know where Starla is. This is possibly Starla's worst nightmare cause she barely puts up with the overbearing dickwad and now the entire fucking town is covered with Grants.

On a side note, I would've given anything for Mary Tyler Moore to appear on a TV and scream out "OH MR. GRANT!" That would've amped up the movie in my opinion.



The last 30 minutes or so acts kinda like a zombie movie, with the townspeople roaming the streets calling out for Starla, then "meat". Eventually Bill, the sherriff who has a crush on Starla, manages to blow Grant the fuck up and everybody in town just dies.

Oh and we see teenage boobage. Sorta.

I wanted to go "Oh fuck yeah" during this whole movie but I just kinda sat here, staring at the movie. I liked what I saw, and it was executed pretty well, but I kinda like it when I'm in my seat going "OHH!!" and "HOLY SHIT!" like I do when I watch, say, "Shaun of the Dead", or "Pervert!" or even to a lesser extent "Death Bed". And I'm kinda said that my current actress crush Jenna Fischer didn't have a bigger role than I thought. Although, she played a secretary in this one, and I rather see her in a starring role, so it was probably for the best.

My readers, I love you, but leave me the fuck alone.

-Jason

PS: That's from a song in the movie, so you don't think I'm being rude to you or whatever. Click on the first track in the sample to hear it.

Happy Announcement Day!!

It's here, finally! I know you all been waiting with baited breath, which is just gross. Get some damn mouth wash.

Ok, now that our breath is nice and minty, it's time to announce my movie reviewing schedule for the month of June! But instead of just simply typing the words, I shall use the art form of pictures to convey the message. And away we go!








Yep. June is gonna be "Them Crazy Kids Nowadays" month! And...this is probably gonna be the month that's gonna kill me. So pray for me while I watch Zac whatever jump around all gay like while picturing that one chick's nude photos. Should be fun.

Bonus Announcement! I said I was gonna offically announce what the next Mass Invasion is gonna be, so here it is, also in picture form:



Yes, the Joe Esterhaus/Paul Verhooven/Liz Berkley masterpice! My boobie shot count is gonna get a lot higher. I should say "bigger", get what I'm say? Huh? Huh?

Anyway, I'm not gonna announce what date the Mass Invasion will be done and up cause I seem to have bad luck when I do. Just know it'll be done sometime before the summer ends.

That'll do it for now. Hope you enjoyed this special Announcement Day! The first High School Musical shall be posted (hopefully) on June 1st.
-Jason

Oh Yeah...

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Get Yer Boob On!!!

Ewww...sorry about that title.

Anyway. New TV-themed blog is up and there's a post already! I know, right?

http://attackoftheboobtube.blogspot.com/

Please add and check back often, please?

Thank you so much.
-Jason

Another Announcement About Announcement Day!

When is Announcement Day, you ask?

Why, that's Sunday, May 25th! I hope you have something picked out for your loved one. I'm gonna make a call to Hallmark to put out a line of greeting cards.

"To my dearest one,
May this be the most special Announcement Day we've ever had.
Lovingly yours,
Chad"

Ok so originally, I said on Announcement Day I was gonna announce the next three movies I'm gonna be reviewing and this is a big deal cause they're "special" as in Special Ed. Well I added another movie so there's gonna be four.

And also I'll be announcing the film that we'll be doing for the next Mass Invasion, which I wasn't gonna do for awhile, but I bought it back due to popular demand (which mainly consisted of people saying "When we doing the next Mass Invasion? HUH HUH HUH??").

In other news, as you see by the nifty button over there to the right, me and The Bride has won the Sirens of The Lambs thingy!! I want to personally thank each and every one of you.

Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Thank-

Ok, you know what? How about one big THANK YOU for anyone who voted for me!!!

AND a special thank you for everyone not freaking out when I made a mess of things with that lame ass joke I made about the free DVD thing. I was expecting it to backfire on me and have people send me screencaps and be like "Where my DVD be at, holmes?" So anyway, I'm glad we got through that and you all know that I'm like honest or something?

Oh, one more thing. People seem to think that I do a lot in my free time. They look at the "Stuff I Do" or whatever bar over there to the right and go "Gosh Jason, when you do have time to breathe and live life??" The weird thing is...I'm always freakin' bored! So I'm not sure what everyone's talking about.

The main thing I maintain is the actual website. Next in line is this blog. And lastly, the MeTube: Next Generation, which only takes about 10-15 minutes per day, so that's not really a lot of work. Me and my friend Bill film sketches or whatever every Thursday evening and I just use Myspace and Facebook and LiveJournal as social tools because I don't have any friends in real life. Well, since neither of those three get a lot of comments or responses, I guess I don't have a lot of friends on the world wide web.

Oh well. ANYWAY!

My point is I'm gonna be starting up another blog. This one relating to TV and TV shows! Because I watch TV too, dammit! And its on that blog that I'll be moving my "Date My Mom" reviews to, since that makes much more sense. I'm gonna be creating that in a little bit here, so once I get it up and running I'll let you all know. Most likely, unless I change my mind, it'll be called "Attack of the Boob Tube" cause...this is "INVASION" of the B "MOVIES"...and I just want an excuse to use the word "boob" in something I use. It's funny.

Ok, that's it. Thanks for reading, watching, and voting. You guys rock!
-Jason

The Rare Breed: Female B-Movie Reviewers

When I first started the whole reviewing B-Movies game, I look up quite a lot of B-Movie Review sites. And something stood out: There weren't any female reviewers. At least ones that hosted their own site. You could say that maybe it's cause it's kind of a dorky geeky thing to do, like how you don't see too many female Star Wars or Star Trek fans. Or maybe it's like most women refuse to sit through bad movies "for fun" and think it's a giant waste of time or something. I'm not really sure.

But I've finally stumbled upon two quirky females who not only tackle bad movies, but horror movies as well. I feel someone needs to stand up and showcase them cause, well, they're hot. NO wait, that's not what I mean. I mean they ARE hot...

Ok, do over.

I feel someone needs to stand up and showcase them cause I think they do a fantabulous job and should be applauded.

And cause they're hot.

#1: Cryptique hosted by Miko Macabe

This was bought to my attention by a friend and reader. It's basically a Youtube version of Elvira, a hot girl in a very revealing outfit reviews an entire movie, with odd and funny sketches thrown in between. She only has two episodes up, "Night of The Demons" and "Burial Ground: NIGHTS OF TERROR!", but they are definately worth a look.

#2: Final Girl

She's a LAMB and I didn't check her out until recently when we had to vote for the LAMMY thing, but it was a quick read through and I think the post she had up the day I checked it out didn't impress me much. Now reading through most of her blog, I kinda regret not spending more time before voting. But it's ok cause she did get runner up for Best Blog, so no tears shall be shed for Final Girl.

What I like about Final Girl is she does extensive b-movie reviews, kinda like mine. And they're funny. Not really like mine, but I try, dammit! The only downside is, she's one of those "weirdos" that likes the original "April Fool's Day". If she ever responds to my email, I'll have to ask her why.

I'm wondering now if maybe there are more out there on the big world we call the world wide web. Maybe they're carefully hidden, I dunno. If you know of a female B-Movie reviewer, or hell, even are one, leave me a comment or drop me a line.

If you'll excuse me, I'm off to convince my fiancee why "Pervert!" is a masterpiece.
-Jason

PS: Just so we're clear, I am only talking about B-Movies, not just "regular" movies. I am aware that there are a lot of female movie bloggers, like D.C Girl @ The Movies that do DVD & Theater reviews.