Saturday, August 16, 2008

Guilty Pleasures Blog-A-Thon #6: Where The Heart Is

Whoa whoa whoa! Before you delete me from your bookmarks, hear me out! I mean, this is what this week has been about, hasn't it?

Seriously "Where The Heart Is" is WAAYYY different than you're typical romantic drama sap sob fest whatever. It's literally the most fucked up Lifetime-like movie ever, which is saying a lot cause Lifetime movies can be fucked up in their own way.

Natalie Portman is Novalee, a pregnant chick from Tennesee who's leaving with her baby daddy to California. They have a broke down car with a hole in the floor and baby daddy is a major asshole. Novalee loses her shoes in the car hole and makes asshole stop at a Wal-Mart to get more. Novalee is very superstitious about the number 5 (To be ironic I should've made this #5 yesterday. Oh well...) and when her change is 5.55 she finds out that asshole left her.

Then the real fun starts. She lives in the Wal-Mart, makes some fast friends, and even meets a "cute" guy, who looks like Joanquin Phoenix's younger brother with a 'fro. Eventually, she goes into labor and the cute guy, a libraian named Thorny, literally JUMPS THROUGH THE WINDOW to save Novalee!

Well, she's a national superstar now! Everyone sends her money and well wishes, except some wacko religious people from Missouri or Mississipi, whatever. Sally Fields makes a cameo as Novalee's mom who scams her own daughter. Novalee becomes friends with the nurse, played by Ashley Judd, who has a billion kids and names them all after snacks. (Brownie, Praline, Snickers, Junior Mint, and of course Starburst...ok I'm making some of those up)

Novalee moves in with "Sister", played by Stockard Channing. Sister and this repairman constantly fuck on the kitchen table. Now tell me, when's the last romantic drama you saw where two character, old enough to be your parents, fuck on the kitchen table, and ASK GOD TO FORGIVE THEM FOR DOING SO??? Tell me now!

Didn't think so.

What happened to Asshole Baby Daddy? He picked up a 14-year-old girl who robbed a liquor store and since the cops picked them up while in a compromising position, he goes to prison. There, he writes a country song and gets beaten up for singin every day. When he gets out, he tries to make a living has a singer and meets with Joan Cusack, a talent agent. Joan changes Asshole's image and name and soon he has the number one country song in the country. Of course Novalee can't stand the song, but doesn't know he's asshole!

And more fucked up shit happens. A tornado hits and Novalee does battle with it! FUCK YEAH!!! But Sister died as a result. And every now and then the wacko religious people show up and kidnap Novalee's daughter, whom she named Americus. I could explain why'd be complicated.

So you're probably thinking to yourself "Jeez, a lot happens in this movie. What's the time span?" Well good question. One of the jarring things about this film is it's jump in time. One scene it's a certain day in 1996. The very next scene it's Christmas 1998. Everybody's kids is suddenly way older, Novalee is suddenly mature and not so naive. Asshole went from a ex-con to superstar. And Ashley Judd goes through men like a cronic masturbator goes through kleenex.

For awhile I considered this next part the most fucked up part ever, but then after watching a few Lifetime movies (hey I watch bad movies, what do you expect?) I realize this is part of the norm and must be some contractual obligation to have in every "Make women cry" movie.

More or less, Ashley Judd meets a guy who turns out to be a child molester and she walked in on the dude doing it to the kid and he damn near killed her and took off. For some reason, as a result to this, she loses her apartment. Yeah, no idea either but whatever it's fucked up and it makes women cry, just go with it.

Novalee becomes a photographer and Asshole is now getting sued by his former prison cell mate cause he claims he wrote the number 1 country song in America. So the label drops him and now he's a washout, taking pills and drinkin whiskey.(That sounds like a country song!) He stumbles around a train yard and ends up GETTING HIS FUCKIN LEGS CUT OFF!! See? See?? Isn't THAT messed up?

Novalee finds Asshole, visits him, and there's closure there. It's painfully obviously that Thorny (remember? The "cute" librarian guy) has the hots for Novalee and she back to him, but he's more or less the Duckie of the film. They eventually get it on but she admits she doesn't love him, so he leaves town after his sister dies.

(Jesus there's a lot going on in this movie. And I skipped a lot of shit to keep this short. Sheesh.)

Ok so, Novalee regrets this, gets Thorny from college, and I swear to fucking God they get married IN A WAL MART!!! All the stuff I left out could fill up another blog post.

So yes. This is my typical "movie a guy shouldn't like" entry in the guilty pleasure realm. Underneath all the fucked up shit happening, it's your typical by-the-books romantic drama to make women cry movie. But I just like it for some strange reason. I really can't explain why "Where The Heart Is" is my #6 guilty pleasure.

Guilty Pleasure Already Reviewed:
Hard Rock Zombies

The dude over at He-Shot-Cyrus (seriously a cool blog name), wrote out his ten guilty pleasures.

(PS: I know yesterday's post I said I was gonna do another action film. The one I had planned couldn't be done cause the DVD wouldn't work and I hadn't seen it in awhile, and I wanted to get the facts right. So it'll just have to be put on hold for now.)


Slayton said...

Lol, I used to love this movie before my taste developed properly. This post makes it sound a whole lot more interesting and surreal than it actually is. Let's see, the plot includes:
people jumping through windows
a kid named "Americus"
a tornado
photography competition
frisky Christians
kidnapping of a baby by a cult
people getting run over by trains
domestic violence
a car with a giant dead bug on it

but the movie itself plays like a 2 and a half hour commercial for soap.

Jason said...

Wow, I haven't seen this movie in a very long time. And now, thanks to you, and your very detailed post, I will probably go rent this today. I have also seen a lot of Lifetime movies, but we don't need to talk about those in the comment section where everyone can see.

-The Other Jason

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