Monday, October 27, 2008

The 9 Days HE Came Home: Day 5: Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Meyers

Sheesh, I get on everyone's ass when it comes to being punctual about their reviews and here I am churning out a review 15 minutes before midnight (EST). Let's get this going!

We start off with part of the ending of the previous installment, with Michael Meyers on the truck, flying off of it, him flying into a grave, and all the tombstones falling on top of him!! But...what's this?!?! There was a hole IN THE GRAVE?!?! And he climbed through the hole?!! Ended up in a river?!?! And finally at some old dude's shack?!?! Where he just laid there for a year?!?!?! What the hell???? I wanted to see Donald Pleasence screamed "NAAL!! NAAL!!!" again!!!!

So apparently it's now a year later and Jamie, who was last seen killing her own mother and trying not to get shot by a screaming Dr. Loomis, is in some hospital and she can't talk.

Oh but get this. The mom didn't get "killed", just slightly wounded, and Jamie says (well writes) that the spirit of Michael is inside her, which is why Jamie is in the hospital. What's up with her voice, I have no clue.

And Donald Pleasence is back, as Dr. Loomis, but he's getting a tad too old for this role so I think he's losing his mind because the whole movie he just hangs around the girl's hospital bed, shaking her, saying "Tell me!! Tell me!!!!" Dude, she's not gonna tell you shit, you tried to shoot her a year ago.

Jamie's step-sister Rachael also makes a return, but Rachael got some new friends, one of them named Tina. Oh, and they got a new dog too, named Max. Rachael and Max are home alone when, surprise! Michael Meyers shows up. He lurks around Rachael's house for about an hour, then he decides to kill her, finally.

With Rachael out of the picture, we focus on Tina, who's friends with Sammy, a blonde chick who dates some dude name Spitz. Seriously. Spitz. Anyway, Tina is dating some jackass dude with a cool car named Michael. Michael and Spitz go to the store where Spitz works at to steal some beer for a party later that night. Michael Meyers thinks Michael has a cool car so he decides to kill him and take it.

Later, Michael (Meyers) picks Tina up and Tina wants to visit Jamie at the hospital. Since Michael wants to kill Jamie for whatever reason, he heads there. But Tina wants cigarettes first so she makes him stop to get some, which he does.

Cigarettes: 3.95 a pack.
Condoms: 7.99
Cheap Vodka: 3.99
Getting Michael Meyers to be your chauffer: priceless.

Jamie gets freaky ass visions when Michael gets the urge to kill, so Jamie is able to see whatever Michael sees. The cops show up and save Tina before Michael gets the chance to do anything. By the way, the cops are the comic relief in this movie as noted by the weird goofy whimsical music that plays when they're on screen. I don't get the point of that at all. Anyway, the cops agree to give Tina a ride to some farm where the party is at and there she meets up with Sammy and Spitz.

Sammy, Spitz, and Tina head for the old barn on the farm, where Spitz could've asked for a threesome and gotten it with no problem, but alas, this lad isn't that bright, so Tina leaves Spitz and Sammy in the barn alone to have sex...and to let Michael Meyers kill Spitz with a pitch fork. He kills Sammy with one of those things you see the Grim Reaper always carrying, whatever the hell those things are called.

Jamie is all concerned about Tina and runs away from the hospital with this kid that likes Jamie, named Bill. Oh, and because Jamie is so concerned about Tina suddenly, she got her voice back. I dunno either, folks.

Tina goes back to the barn where Sammy and Spitz are found dead and Michael appears in the car when Jamie shows up. Michael decides he wants to mow down Jamie so he chases her, until Dr. Loomis shows up out of nowhere and snatches her up. Dr. Loomis then tells Michael that to end this, this meaning these horrible sequels, he must go back to his house.

So Loomis and Jamie are at Michael's old house, where he killed his sister in the beginning of the series, waiting. Well, sure enough, Michael shows up and attacks Loomis and then goes after Jamie, chasing her all over the house, through shafts, basements, attics, you name it. It was a lovely tour of the house.

Loomis comes out of nowhere (again), scoops up Jamie, and drops a chain net on Michael and shoots him with tranquilizers until he passes out. The cops show up, put Michael in a cell where "he'll be held until he can go to a maximum security prison". Well...that doesn't last long.

Throughout this whole movie, this dude dressed like Johnny Cash just wanders around town. Well, now he busts into the police station, shoots every cop, and somehow manages to get Michael Meyers. And roll credits!!

Ok, this movie was just alright. The death's were pretty cool, but this family has bad luck with dogs because Michael killed Max as well. And the fact that no one seemed worried about Rachael throughout the movie kinda bothered me. Oh, and there was this cop who was dubbed for some reason, and his death was edited rather oddly, it's kinda hard to describe. But now, who the hell is that dude in black? Why did John Carpenter just give up on this series? And why, oh why, did they not include any nudity? Sheesh, it's a horror film.

The Trailer:

I don't remember him being unmasked. But whatever gets people to watch your movie.

1 comment:

Joel Burman said...

Nice review!

I have gone on a total Halloween bender seeing all of the films and I think Danielle Harris is the one carrying 4 and 5 on her shoulders.

She is way better than the adult actors in both films.