Wednesday, October 15, 2008

My Post On "Postal"

Last Friday I said I was gonna create a whole post about the movie "Postal". So here it is.

One thing you should know going in, in case you're not aware, is that it is in fact a Uwe Boll film. Before you get discouraged, hear me out. It's actually not a bad movie. I guess it's not a good one. Honestly, the entire thing is just weird, so weird that you're not thinking if it's good or bad. You're just like " I really seeing this?" the entire time. Unlike "House of the Dead" where you go "Ok this sucks ass".

"Postal" is pretty much a character driven film, with a wide array of odd characters. Before getting into what little plot there is, let me tell you a bit about the characters.

First there's our main "hero" (I put hero in quotes cause he does the things he does in the movie just to save his own ass) who doesn't have a name until mid-way through. He gets called "Postal Guy" cause he gets blamed for a big shoot out that happens in the middle of the film and they think he just lost his mind.

Postal Guy is married to a very obese woman, who does nothing but lay in bed and watch TV. Well and have sex with every guy in town, besides Postal Guy. Hey, she's literally the biggest slut in town. HA! Now that I think back on it, I don't think she had a name either.

There's Uncle Dave, played by Dave Foley. He started his own cult/religion and he made up a bible full of weird rules that was written on the spot. He constantly has sex with tons of hot chicks while coming up with these Dave Commandments. He's also literally Postal Guy's uncle.

Uncle Dave has a devout follower named Richard, who takes everything Uncle Dave says literally. He ends up causing big trouble towards the end.

I swear I'm not making this up but the main villain in this movie is Osama Bin Laden. He's hiding out in the back of a convience store in this town.

Finally there's Verne Troyer, who plays himself.

Now that you know the characters, here's the slim and weird plot of "Postal".

All of the above characters live in the town of Paradise, which is ironically a shit hole town. It's mainly full of hicks or terrorists. After discovering that his wife is literally the biggest slut in Paradise, Postal Guy goes to his Uncle Dave for advice. Dave has a plan to make everyone millionares and finally get out of this shit town.

Dave reads on the internet that this new doll named Krotchy is sweeping the nation and they're going for, like, a thousand dollars a doll on Ebay. So Dave finds out that there's gonna be a special shipment of Krotchy dolls (they look like dicks, hence the name) in a part of Paradise called German Town. Postal Guy is in and the plan is set in motion.

What they don't know is that Osama is planning his biggest terrorist strike on America by having some chemical weapon smuggled in. And how are they getting smuggled in? Why through a special shipment of Krotchy dolls of course.

But Dave and his gang of hookers, his nephew, and devout follower get to the dolls first. Osama is pissed about this and start shooting up the place. I should mention that Uwe Boll himself makes an apperance as himself where he more or less makes fun of himself. And Verne Troyer is the spokesman for these dolls.

So during the shootout, we only see kids getting shot and killed. Postal Guy is blamed for the shootout and he's now a wanted man. He gets chased by this racist cop who thinks everyone calls him the N-word (he is black btw). While Postal Guy is on the run, Richard kidnaps Verne Troyer and they all go back to Dave's place.

Postal Guy shows up eventually and Richard has really flipped out and using the Book of Dave had a guide to life, he's decided to end the world once and for all. He kills Dave, then throws Verne Troyer in a room full of horny monkeys where he gets fucked to death. I wish I was making that up.

So now it's up to Postal Guy to stop Richard and Osama from destroying the world and/or the country. From this point on there's nothing but violence and blood and shooting and whatnot. He eventually meets up with a chick named Faith who helps him save the world. But Osama gets the last laugh when he calls his old friend George W. Bush and asks politely if he'll nuke Paradise. W agrees. As the town is getting nuked, Postal Guy and Faith make it out and we see Osama and President Bush skipping in a field holding hands while a mushroom cloud forms behind them.

I told you it was a weird movie. But I like weird and this definately was different. Like I said I dunno if it's good or not, I wasn't thinking about that. I was just trying to process everything I was seeing. Oh yeah, if you think Dave Foley is hot, you see his dong. Full frontal male nudity, kids getting killed, and a shot of Osama and Bush holding hands. I think Uwe Boll was making SOME kind of statement.

Here's the trailer:


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