Thursday, October 30, 2008

The 9 Days HE Came Home: Day 8-Halloween: Resurrection

Reality shows suck on a whole, but what if someone made a reality show where a bunch of people were stuck in a house, with a murderer, and watch them get killed one by one? That'd be pretty fuckin' cool!! And that's sort of the premise of "Halloween: Resurrection".

It's three years after "H20" and Jamie Lee Curtis' character Laurie Strode is in a mental institution. The backstory is explained by Backstory Nurse. The Backstory Nurse tells us that, as we saw at the end of "H20", Laurie decapitated Michael Meyers. But what really went down was Mike strangled a paramedic, crushed his larynx, then putting his mask and outfit on him, so Laurie decapitated that dude's head instead.

You remember those old serials from the 1930's and '40's where the end of each one ended on a cliffhanger then when they picked up on the same spot in the next episode they showed something completely different happen? This is a unrelated question, I was just wondering.

Anyway, Laurie is just waiting for Michael to come back, and comes back he does, on Halloween Eve (Hey that's tonight!). She leads him up to the roof where she had a complicated rig set up to tie a rope around his ankle and to hang him over the ledge so she could kill him. So she just wandered off to the roof for three years building this thing and no one thought about it? Ok, whatever.

But not wanting to make the same mistake again, Laurie goes to double check, which proves to be fatal because he stabs her. It took him eight movies to do it but he finally killed Laurie Strode, his sister. I can hear everyone say "WHAT???"

The next day, earlier that day, next year, whatever...

Sarah and her friend Jen are picked to be on a "internet reality" show where they have to spend a night in Michael Meyers' house and find out what made him crazy. The name of the show is "Dangertainment" and it's run by Busta Rhymes. Well, not really him, but his character, Freddie. His assistant is Tyra Banks, who for all I know is really Tyra Banks in the movie because she isn't given a name.

Freddie and Tyra pick Sarah, who has this weird inexplicable talent to scream so high pitched that glass breaks; Jen, who is doing this so she can be famous; Donna, a super smart, super sexy redhead chick; Jim, some biker rebel dude; Bill, who I think is the same dude who was in the "American Pie" movies that got to bang Tara Reid; and Rudy, a black dude who's a chef which means he's really, really, REALLY into cooking, about as much as I am into movies.

Sarah has an internet buddy named "Deckard", but his real (and not so cool sounding) name is Miles, a freshman in high school who claims to be a college graduate and Lord only knows what else.

So our rag-tag group of wannabe reality stars trot into the house, armed with cameras by their ears and surrounded by cameras in the house. They all split off, naturally, and try to uncover stuff.

Donna and Jim go into the basement and at first Donna isn't interested in Jim, then not even two seconds later, she's jamming her tongue into his mouth. While getting it on, Jim finds a manhole cover type thing in the ground and finds a key that goes to it. They crawl down and find a dungeon type thing. They proceed to get it on there (woo boobies!!) when the wall breaks opens and a bunch of skeletons fall out. Donna is freaked out until Jim inspects them and realizes they're all fake.

Rudy and Sarah are checking out the kitchen, because Rudy is such a food nut, and they find a baby chair with chains inside a closet. Meanwhile upstairs, Bill and Jen are alone checking stuff out when Jen pulls a prank on Bill by pretending to be hurt. Bill is all pissed off and is about to vow revenge when suddenly Michael bursts through the wall (seriously) and kills him.

While Jim runs upstairs to tell everyone about the fake skeletons, Donna notices another entrance further down in the basement. She checks it out and discovers that this is where Michael Meyers has been hiding out for the past 8 movies and also discovers that his diet consists of rats. She gets freaked out and is about to leave when Michael returns to his home-away-from-home-that's-actually-in-his-home and kills her.

While all of this is going on, Miles/Deckard and his friend Scott go to a Halloween party, where they dress up as Vince and Jules from "Pulp Fiction". This alone would make this the most kick ass movie in the world. But Miles feels bad for not watching Sarah on the internet telecast, so he sneaks off into an office and watches it. Soon, the party has moved into there with everyone watching the telecast. People think the murders are fake. People are idiots.

Jim catches up to Sarah and tells her that the show is rigged when Freddie, dressed as Michael, comes in and scares them. He explains that, yes, everything in the house was set up because there was nothing really there and otherwise it'd be a boring show, so he needed to spice it up by putting fake demented things and him dressing up as Michael to chase them around.

Upstairs, Rudy and Jen are smoking a bong. With cameras still attached to their heads. I never said these were smart people. Anyway, Rudy catches up with the rest and Jen is the last to join them when they spot Michael going towards her. Thinking it's Freddie they say "knock it off!!" but, well, Michael chops her head off. This is real. And it's this that finally convinces the audience at the party that it's real.

Michael goes after Rudy, killing him in the kitchen to make it the biggest ironic scene ever, then he kills Jim. Sarah runs and finds a camera mounted to the wall asking "Deckard" for help. He responds via palm pilot telling her where Michael is. They chase each other around the house for awhile, until Freddie finds Sarah and they manage to wrap a camera cord around Michael's neck and throw him out the window.

But "Deckard" tells them he's still alive so they try to get the hell out of there. But Freddie and Sarah get separated and she ends up in the garage, where Tyra Banks was watching all the monitors. Well, Tyra is found dead. AW! We didn't get to see Tyra Banks die a slow horrible death. That would've been worth the price of admission alone.

Well, anyway, in one of the goofiest moments, Sarah gets hold of a chainsaw and goes after Michael. I don't know, I think anytime anyone in a movie carries a chainsaw for no reason, it's just funny, unless it's Leatherface. But the chainsaw stops and she just throws it at him, which causes gas to spill, then somehow (I forgot, ok) sparks are made and VOOSH!! flames galore. Busta bursts back in, rapping "Put your hands where My eyes can see, BITCH!!" Ok, not really, but that would've been cool. But Freddie is still alive and manages to tie Michael so he's burnt and electrocuted to death.

Later that night, his body shows up at the morgue and...well...can you say "False ending"? How about "Another sequel"?

There were a shitload of laughable moments in this movie. Like when Michael bursts into Laurie's hospital room, he just breaks through the door like it's made out of paper, which it probably was. Then Busta's character is into Kung-Fu movies, so he does Kung-Fu moves on Michael, which just confused the hell out of him. Then there's the whole chainsaw thing. I dunno, I got a few unintentional laughs from this movie, and compared to the other movies in the series, this wasn't that bad. I mean, sure I've seen better, and the first Halloween is the best out of the series, but this movie was tolerable.

The Trailer:

I gotta say a quick word about the trailer. I've noticed that the later it got in the series the more hesitant they were to say it was a Halloween/Michael Meyers movie. They just say things in the beginning like "A brutal serial killer" and "The scariest man ever" or whatever. Then when you're hooked, you hear the familar music and see the familar mask and then you go "aw not another one!" and throw your popcorn at the screen.
Then I hate the way they made it look like Laurie is the big savior of the movie, like she's the new Dr. Loomis or whatever but she ends up biting it in the beginning. Oh well, this "TECHICALLY" was the final one in the series. I suppose Rob Zombie was trying to "reboot" the whole thing or something. But as we'll see tomorrow, he failed.

Tomorrow we wrap things up.

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