Friday, May 22, 2009

The Jason Guide To Writing Reviews

Since I been nominated for a LAMMY, I get asked the same thing time and time again.

"How the hell did you get nominated?"

I dunno if I should be offended or not, but since compliments are a dime a dozen, I'll take it as one. And good question. I'm not sure. Granted, it's only for "Best Theme" and anybody who just writes about one thing could get nominated for this, which is no easy task honestly. Most people's attention spans can be measured in nano-seconds (Thanks BASEketball!) so having a bunch of people read the same style of review over and over for a little more than 3 years is pretty amazing.

But while I was going over my reviews for my book, I couldn't help but notice that all of my reviews are pretty much the same. I guess this could be considered my "style", but it wouldn't kill me to switch it up every now and then. Until I do though, allow me to demostrate my style that I've apparently stuck with for the past three years. Maybe if you follow this model, you too can be nominated for something! Unless you're Fletch, Final Girl, or any other LAMB member who's been nominated in multiple categories. Then...keep on keeping on!

First, the opening paragraph is either a story on how I came across the movie or the adventures I had trying to get said movie. Usually I try to be informative and throw in some facts. For the sake of this piece, let's talk about a movie we all universally hate "Gigli". A typical opening would go like this:

I decided to finally take a look at the 2003 Summer blockbuster of a film titled "Gigli", starring Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, while they were dating and THIS close to being married. Gigli is considered the worst movie of the new millenium, which is a tall order since it's only three years into it. So pretty much, any movie maker between now and 2999 is free to make whatever crap they want and not worry about being lambasted! Good for you!

Now that that's out of the way, it's time to review the movie. My reviews fall between full detailed recaps and barely summerizing the film. Something like this:

We see Ben Affleck standing in front of a dryer talking to the camera. He's wearing a typical mob outfit in the form of a track suit and gold necklaces. This has to be sleazy even for Ben Affleck. Turns out he's talking to somebody placed in the dryer. The guy in the dryer owes Gigli's boss some money and Gigli is there to pick up. The guy swears he'll have it tomorrow, but this isn't good enough so tumble you go!

There, that was the first ten minutes all in a neat little one paragraph package. Repeat until you get to the end of the movie. Usually pepper the review with jokes about sex or boobies. Oh and when I type words in ALL CAPS it usually means I'm stressing those words, like if we were talking and I wanted to make those words come across, I'd YELL them. Much like Al Pacino yelled everything at the end of "Gigli".


Kinda like that.

Now once I give away the ending of the movie, cause I'm spoileriffic like that (Example: Gigli quits the job, turns Jennifer Lopez from a lesbian to straight even though guys like him are the reason we have lesbians, and the mentally handicapped kid ends up in a rap video) I make the last paragraph a recap of what I thought of the movie. Normally it goes something like this:

JESUS CHRIST this movie fucking sucks! ARRGH!! Why does this exist?? WHY???? I hate everybody and life and somehow myself! I would kill myself but that'd mean this movie has won and if there's one thing I don't wanna do is let this movie win. You lose, movie. You fucking lose!

And the final sentence is some punchline to a joke I might've made earlier in the review. Something like:

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to pick up some promotional Gigli condoms.

My star ratings go from zero stars to five. As of this writing, I only gave one movie a five star rating, as watching a bad movie that awesome is pretty rare. Gigli, however, gets a zero rating like so:

After some self promotion for the blog and email, and a picture of the poster with a link to Amazon to buy this your own self, I'm done. I usually include pictures in my reviews and underneath is MST3K-inspired riffs about the picture. Like so:
Jen is thinking "I can't believe I'm with this retard. And that kid in the back."

And finally, on the blog, I always end my reviews with a "-Jason". I'm not one to get a big head (that's what she-oh.) but I started doing this around 2004 when I got a Myspace account and was leaving comments cause my Myspace Name was Invasion of the B Movies, but unless you knew me personally, you didn't know my real name, so I had to leave a name and I went with -Jason cause simply having it say "Jason" looked kinda lame, so I wanted some extra flair with it. Since then, though, I noticed a few other movie bloggers ending their posts with "-" and their name afterwards. I'm not saying I started it, but I don't recall seeing it anywhere else before hand...

So that's it. What was the point of this article? I wanted to make fun of myself. That's pretty much the only reason. Maybe I won't switch things up and keep on writing in the same style I've always written in. Hell, it got me some recognition.

Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta get some promotional Gigli condoms.

1 comment:

Fletch said...

Why not just say that you invented the dash while you're at it, big shot?!?

As The Stranger might say, I dig your style, dude. If you've got a winner, stick with it. Now, as to whether or not you've got a winner... ;)

BTW, that Fletch dood sucks. No idea how he got so many noms...