It's Like Michael Bay Directed "Parts" Or Something

The Island

Man, Scarlet Johannson's face on this poster should be considered a "Photoshop Disaster".

(Originally reviewed on 4/14/06)

Going into "The Island" I was left with a tough decision. Should I watch it has a person who realizes it's a complete rip off of the movie "Parts: The Clonus Horror", the 1979 drama(?)/horror(?) film directed by Robert S. Fiveson and that Michael Bay totally sucks ass? Or should I pretend I never seen "Parts" and watch the movie for what it is and that Michael Bay sucks donkey balls? I decided to go for option two.

I'm not a big Michael Bay fan, his movies tend to give me a headache. I dunno, he has this tendacy to blow things up for no reason and when you're watching with surround sound it gets to be too much after awhile. I saw "Pearl Harbor" in the theaters. My ears bled for three days after. And every now and then they sort of fade on me. Damn Michael Bay.

But I really hated his guts when I heard that he told Scarlett Johansson she couldn't get totally naked for a scene. Let me re-enstate that. HE told HER that SHE couldn't get naked. I mean what the fuck dude? There are Mormons who'd give a stack of bibles to see her naked, what the hell is your problem, Bay? Jesus Christ on a stick.

Now that you know I hate the director, I can tell you that this movie really isn't all that bad.

Wait! Before you kick me off the website, hear me out. Yes, this movie totally ripped off "Parts", there are so many similarities between the two movies it's scary. Yes, there are your typical Michael Bay scenes where shit blows up every 10 seconds. Yes, you'll come to realize that maybe Ewan MacGregor and Scarlett weren't trying all that hard in this movie. But really, this is a dumb action flick. And as we all know, dumb action flicks are, well...dumb action flicks. Like "The Transporter". That movie has plot holes as big as Kristie Alley's ass, but it's still a good movie. Plus, women seem to think Jason Statham is sexy or something. I think he's a wanna-be Bruce Willis, but I'm a straight male so what the fuck do I know?

Ok, lets get into it.

We find out it's the year 2016 and Ewan MacGregor's character Lincoln Six Echo is having a wet dream. I mean there's a ton of water and he's on a boat. He wakes up and we see the life of a typical clone. Oops, we weren't suppose to know they're clones yet...but they tell us...IN THE FUCKIN' TRAILER!!!

Anyway, Lincoln is one of those rabble rousers who questions everything from why do they all wear white Puma clothing to why he has such a shitty job. And his job is way too complicated for me to explain. All I can tell is he and his friend Jones Something A Number I Can't Remember is putting some kind of liquid into some tubes. We find out later that these tubes are connected to clones that are going to be born...but that's later and a whole complicated mess.

Speaking of complicated messes, the goofy ass name Lincoln Six Echo has something to do with the last name of the original guy, the area the original guy lives in and...what the mother was hearing during conception. That explains why there's a guy named Earl Nine Hank Williams, Jr.
(By the way, that last part wasn't true, I never picked up on why he was called Echo. This movie is mucho confusing.)

Lincoln talks to Sean Bean, who's name escapes me at the moment cause I really didn't give a rats ass. But I knew he was the guy who started all this crap and is the guy that pretends he cares for the clones when in fact all he sees are dollar signs when he's in front of one. Sean tells Lincoln that he's not normal at all and he put these weird ass things in his eyes. After that's done, Lincoln sneaks off to meet with Steve Bushemi.

Steve is this computer genius type guy who lives in the outside world. Sean Bean hired him to fix and care for the 10 gazillion computers inside this clone ranch. And somehow Lincoln befriended Steve. While leaving Steve's little work area, Lincoln finds a giant ass moth and captures it. He realizes the thing came from the outside and that there is life outside.

See, Sean Bean told all the clones that they are survivors of some deadly contaimination thingy and they have to live inside this colony in order to survive. But every now and then a clone get picked to go to "The Island", where they'll be put with 10 hot women and if they cheat on their girlfriends, the creepy host will show them the video. (Anybody remember that show? I hope so otherwise that joke just went over your head.)

Lincoln is also friends with Jordan Three The Cure, played by Scarlett, who is possibly the hottest clone I've ever seen. Lincoln and Jordan do some virtual fighting with an X-Box (it's in the movie, check it out yourself), and grab a brewski, or whatever it is that clones drink. Then there's a Lottery, which decides which clone is being sent to spend two weeks with Mark L. Walhberg (Boy I hope you really seen that show). It's-surprise!-Jordan!!

I'm gonna tell you the following exactly as it happens in the movie so you can see I'm not making shit up about it being exactly like "Parts". Lincoln gets up in the middle of the night and sneaks out of his room. He finds a part of the colony that he's not suppose to be in and sneaks in. He goes to the place he found the moth and is asked about chapstick. No wait, wrong movie. He climbs a ladder and he ends up in a hospital. He disguises himself as a doctor where he finds the previous lottery winner Michael Duncan Clarke getting his liver sucked out. Michael puts up a fight, but he loses. Oh and I got momentarily excited cause there were some ambulance driver dudes there also and one of them was the guy who plays Aaron Pierce on "24". Man...that's a good show. I wish whoever did that show directed this piece of...

Sorry. Anyway, they suck up his liver and Lincoln gets furthered creeped out when this chick clone who was pregnant gives birth, then the doctors kill the clone and give the baby to the original chick. Convinced of wrongdoing, Lincoln runs back, snags Jordan, and hightail's it out of there. Of course Sean Bean is privy to this and sends some goons after them.

Lincoln and Jordan manage to escape the colony, which took about 15 minutes cause Michael Bay had to blow shit up, and they find themselves in the desert. And no, there wasn't a horse with no name. Sorry.

Sean Bean freaks out and hires that one black dude who's in a bunch of semi-serious movies or any movie that needs a black dude with an African accent. You know who I'm talking about, I'm sure you seen the previews. I can't remember his name but he was in Constantine, so I'll just call him that. Anyway, Sean Bean hires Constantine (HAHAHA that sounds funny) to find Lincoln and Jordan. And find him he does.

Lincoln and Jordan hunt down Steve, which actually provided a pretty funny moment in the movie. Lincoln goes to a bar that Steve hangs out in and asks the bartender where Steve is. The bartender says "He's in the can taking a dump." Lincoln replies "He's trapped in a can? Where's he taking the dump to?" Ok, I thought it was funny.

Anyway, Lincoln and Jordan find Steve and he takes them to his place and tells them they're clones (GASP! NO WAY!!) and that Sean Bean is going to be after them. So he gives them money, a credit card, and some clothes and they go to the train station. They head to L.A to find Lincoln's original guy, but at the train station, Michael Bay had a hard-on for destruction, and decided to have Constantine and his crew kill Steve and blow more shit up.

Despite all of that, they get on the train and get off at L.A. And because Michael Bay's hard-on didn't go down, more shit gets blown up, but this time it goes on for a good 20 minutes. There are helicopters, futurisitic cars, El-trains...OF THE FUTURE!, the whole she-bang (she-bang!). And the part you probably saw in the trailers with them in a giant "R" and it falling, well that scene must be seen to be believed. They're in the R, right, then some helicopters blows it up, ok, then it like falls down, still with me? Ok. Now, we know that Lincoln and Jordan can't die, cause they're the heros or something, so here's how they not die. They fall...IN A NET!! WHOA! Oh and Jesus loves them.

After aquiring the original Lincoln's address, they go to this house and find he's doing pretty OK for himself. Then we realize that only super rich people get cloned and when they die or get sick or whatever, they take the clone's body parts and taa-daa! They're better again! We also find out the President has a clone.

Ok, so Lincoln is meeting his original copy, named Tom. Tom is from Scotland and is a designer of sorts. Tom is freaked out, but excited, especially when he sees Jordan. He tells Lincoln that he got cloned cause he got some STD where his liver is gonna fail on him in two years. Maybe he should just get a new dick. Lincoln tells Tom that he should blow the lid on the whole thing, and Tom says he will but, well, he's lying. He still wants Lincoln to live so he'll get his liver.

So on the car ride to the news station, Tom pulls his double cross, but Lincoln outsmarts him and they have a fight. Constantine shows up and the typical "Don't shoot me, he's the clone! No I'm not! He is!" scene comes up. When Lincoln snaps this braclet that all clones wear onto Tom's wrist, Constantine shoots him. So much for that liver. With that out of the way, Lincoln continues living in Tom's house. Oh and he gets it on with Jordan.

This was the scene where we should've seen Scarlett's boobies. BUT NOOOO!!! Fuck you, Michael Bay. Just fuck you.

Anyway, Lincoln gets a call from the clone colony saying that they can re-clone Tom if he'll show up later that day. When Lincoln learns that Sean Bean is gonna kill any clone that has the word Echo in their name, Lincoln realizes he must save the day! So a complicated plan goes into effect. So complicated I'll just let you see the movie to understand it all.

What you need to know while reading this is that Lincoln and Jordan, seperately, get into the colony. Sean Bean realizes that they killed Tom, so he goes hunting for Lincoln, who decides to destroy this hologram thingy (Long story), Constantine decides that the clones are people after all and helps Jordan free the clones, Sean Bean gets killed, and the clones are freed. Jordan and Lincoln hop on Tom's cool looking boat and they live happily every after.

But...if the clones are free...aren't the rich people gonna get A-upset that they wasted their money on organs and B-that there are people who look exactly like them out in the world? I mean if Michael Bay wants Will Smith to do a complicated jump from a motorcycle to a bus full of explosives, but Will won't do it cause it'll smudge his makeup, and the stunt double is a 5 foot tall woman from Saudi Arabia, couldn't they hire his clone to do it? For cheap? And what if, say, the cast of "Friends" demanded a payraise and NBC was like "Fuck you guys, we'll get your clones! They'll work for pencil shavings because they think that's currency!" Then we got a clone Jennifer Aniston getting dumped by the real Brad Pitt, who's fucking the clone Angelina...it's a big mess.

So there. I hope you see how this movie is almost identical to "Parts". I'm sure I made my point. And it was pretty good, even though most of it didn't make sense and I really hate Michael Bay. That fucker.

-Jason