(Originally written on 3/22/06, I wrote this for a website devoted to movie reviews that I was sorta digging. Some months later, the creator of the site had some sort of meltdown, made up false accusations about me, and banned me from the site. So I quickly posted any reviews I wrote for that site onto mine and now I'm posting it here. Yes, this is a third generation review.)
Starring:
Snake
Dances With Wolves
Annoying Kid
Monica
Monica's Husband-In-Real Life
Christian Slater
Token Black Dude
Howie Long WTF?!?!
Lowell
The Guy Who Does Shatner/Walken Impressions
That Chick From "Go"
The Critic
Edgar from "24"
Ice-T
At the very start of this film you get a sign that you should just take the DVD out and chuck it out the nearest window or melt it down or something. During the opening credits, we get two very crappy looking CGI scorpions fighting each other. This goes on through the entire credits. I thought maybe I accidently took some LSD and I was tripping or something. But no such luck. When the credits end, we see what I'm guessing is suppose to be a classic car (I'm not a car buff, I don't know the difference between a Mustang and...whatever else there is) pull up and run over a scorpion.
Snake, dressed up like Elvis, gets out and goes into his hotel room. Soon, Annoying Kid comes out of nowhere and starts groping the car. The car insists on filing charges but the kid insists he loves it and continues to fondle. He even goes so far to steal those things that you unscrew to put air in the tire (told you I'm bad with cars). Snake catches him in the act, but Annoying Kid runs away. Oh and Annoying Kid also grabbed one of the CGI scorpions. Keep That In Mind.
He runs to Monica and she demands to know what's going on. Snake tells Monica that Annoying Kid stole that unscrewy thing. She makes him give it back and the kid goes off on his annoying way. Snake and Monica make short talk, then have coffee (Hey, they watched Coleman Francis films too, huh?), then to make a long scene short, the fuckin' starts.
No, Monica isn't nude, she's in her underwear the whole time. And to make things more disturbing then the image of Kurt Russell fucking Courtney Cox, the Annoying Kid crawls in the middle of it and steals Snake's wallet. This kid is gonna need therapy. I should know, I walked in a few time.
Anyway, after the fuckin', Snake makes a tasteless comment about leaving money, then he takes off. He meets up with Dances With Wolves, Christian Slater, Monica's Husband-In-Real-Life, and Token Black dude. They drive off and meet up with Howie Long WTF?!? He gives them some guitar cases and Elvis clothing.
Back at the hotel, Snake realizes his wallet is missing and points the blame on Annoying Kid. Monica, knowing his hiding spot, grabs it and gives it back to Snake. More talk, more fuckin'. This time, Snake throws a boot at Annoying Kid before he can sneak in.
And now! The big plot of the movie: Elvis impersonators robbing a casino! Right? I mean, the commercials and trailers were all like "See 3000 Miles To Graceland! Elvis impersonators rob a casino! WOO!" Well, here we are, at a casino hosting a convention of Elvis impersonators. And the robbing starts.
Snake does some weird confusing thing with the elevator that I didn't quite understand. Meanwhile, Wolves, Christian Slater, Token, and Monica's Husband-In-Real-Life rob the casino. They hired Howie Long WTF?!? to fly to the roof in a helicopter so they can escape. But Howie WTF?!? isn't there! He's in the air singing Paul Simon's "50 Ways To Leave Your Lover". And you haven't lived until you hear Howie Long sing.
During the big ass shootout in the casino, in an elevator, on the roof, Token gets shot. Howie finally arrives and they take off. When Howie makes a bank turn, Token's body falls out. Nice, guys.
Back at Snake's room, Annoying Kid broke in and is shaving (I dunno either) when the Elvis gang get back. Annoying Kid hides in the bathroom and there's a fake tense scene when Wolves takes a leak. Anyway, they split up the money and when Wolves insist on taking Token's half, Christian Slater gets all Slater-y and says it's bullshit. This goes on for what feels like forever when finally Wolves kills Slater. Ironically, it turns into "Very Bad Things" and the remaining people take Slater to the desert to bury him.
Oh I should point something out that I think was some kind of inside joke thing. Slater made some reference to water and Costner just looked all odd and said "Water, huh?" Yeah, it might be a lame reach but it could be a lame inside joke.
Anyway, while going to bury Slater, Wolves takes out Monica's-Husband-In-Real-Life (Thank god, it's a handful to type that out) and Snake. While driving back in Snake's fancy car, he runs into some of his brethren (other wolves) and falls into a ditch.
Then it turns out that Snake is The Crow and comes back to life! Or maybe it's "Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey". Well, it's neither actually. Snake just wore a bullet proof vest. Good thing Wolves shot him in the chest.
Snake gets back to the hotel and finds the money is gone. He thinks Wolves took it but he finds Annoying Kid's hat that was left behind from earlier (Kid took off when Slater bit it), and puts it together. So he goes waving a gun in front of Monica and finds the money in the hiding spot. Smart move Monica. Anyway, Snake gives Monica $100,000 to keep quiet and tries to leave. He realizes he doesn't have a car, so he asks her for hers. She says no and the cops show up. The reason the cops showed up was cause Monica went to call the police when Snake busted in to beat up Annoying Kid (YAY!) but hung up right away.
So in order not to get bust, Snake has to pretend he's with Monica and Annoying Kid. And because the police are there, Monica uses this as an excuse to make Snake take them along to wherever it was he was going. With the police watching the whole time, they pack the car and Snake drives off. Snake isn't too happy.
Wolves wakes up, returns to the hotel, and finds it empty. Aw, he misses his friend.
The next hour or so is basically a painfully horrible road trip movie, with bits of "The Fugitive" thrown in. The two feds who tackle the casino case is Lowell and The Shatner/Walken Guy. They're pretty much themselves in this movie and frankly seem to be wondering why they're here at all.
Wolves is after Snake, Monica, and Annoying Kid and we know he's super evil because he kills some old gas station attendant for no reason and takes along That Chick From "Go", who I guess is a hooker. And to top it off, Wolves blows up the gas station. Cause you know, it's an action movie, and things have to blow up every 10 minutes in this movie.
On the way to a diner to chow down, Snake stupidly reveals he has to take the money to a cleaner who'll erase whatever markings is on the money so no one will know it's the money from the casino. He also stupidly reveals that you need a password and even more stupidly reveals it's in his wallet. So guess what happens next?
Monica and Annoying Kid work together to distract Snake while she takes his wallet and her car and takes off. Snake chases her but she bops him in the nose, which distracts him and causes him to meet a dog wearing an ugly sweater. Seriously.
Wolves, on the way to the cleaner, gets pulled over by some hick cop. At this point, the movie melts-down cause this whole thing doesn't make a lick of sense. The cop pulls him over and Wolves gets out. The hick cop gets out and just stands there, pulls his revolver out and does all kinds of fancy ass tricks with it. And to top all this off, he has a toothpick in his mouth. Of course. Then just out of nowhere, they have a duel! The bullets pass each other and Wolves hits hick cop in the chest, while the cops bullet grazes Wolves face. Then this scene just ends. Ok, what the fuck, man? Why did they have a duel? How did the cop know Wolves was a wanted man? Or does the cop do this to everybody he pulls over? The hell?
Anyway, Wolves arrives at the cleaners. And hey, it's The Critic. And oddly enough, his name is Jay in the movie too. Anyway, The Critic accepts a phone call from Monica saying to be at his place at 10, then Wolves shows up. Wolves taunts The Critic for a good 20 minutes, making him piss his pants while he gets a safe open.
Snake and Annoying Kid steals a truck (Probably belonging to Howie Long...I hate those commercials!) and high-tails it over to The Critic's. And wouldn't you know it? Monica shows up, thinking Wolves is The Critic! When Wolves sees the money, he gets an evil glint in his eye and...
Snake and Annoying Kid arrive and find The Critic dead, along with some chick. Kid thinks she's his mom, but it isn't, so they're wondering where Wolves and Monica is.
More Unfunny banter between Lowell and Shatner/Walken Dude.
Annoying Kid comes up with the plan to turn Snake's fancy car in as stolen, so he does. Wolves is pulled over and arrested (What, no fancy duel this time?) and throw in jail. Then for some really strange reason, Snake is arrested too. I guess Howie Long reported his truck missing.
So Snake and Wolves are in adjoining cells and they banter back and forth. Snake wants to know where Monica and the money is. Wolves tells Snake that she was in the whole scheme with Wolves the entire time. Snake gets posted bail, but first he must meet up with Edgar from "24", who's some cheap-ass bail bondsmen or something. Turns out that Annoying Kid posted the bail.
With Snake free and able to get his fancy ass car, he checked the trunk and inside is Monica and the money, both alive...no wait. Monica is alive, not the money. Sorry. (Well after that trippy credit sequence, I wouldn't be surprised.) They drive to some field and Snake lets Monica out and asks her about partnering up with Wolves. She insists it's a lie.
Wolves calls Howie Long WTF?!? to get him out of jail. Howie then calls Edgar from "24" in return. Soon, Wolves is walking down a highway when Crazy Wombat Man picks him up. He's Crazy Wombat Man cause he's all gung-ho about some team called The Wombats, I guess. Anyway, they drive along when there's a roadblock. They realize that the police are checking cars for Wolves, so Wolves beats up/kills (it's never said but he vanishes from this point on so I guess kills) Crazy Wombat Man and dresses himself up as Crazy Wombat Man. This disguise gets him through the road block.
Then for some odd reason, Snake ditches the fancy ass car and buys some old Chevy thing. Anyway, they get a hotel room and they split the money and Snake bids thee farewell. Monica wants to stay with Snake but he's a loner, Dottie...er Monica. A rebel! So he goes on his merry way.
Apparently, Snake has a boat somewhere and that's where he went.
Now, get a load of this. Lowell and Shatner/Walken dude discover that Wolves claims to be an illegitimate child of Elvis himself. And that Elvis put it in his will claiming that Lisa Marie and any illegitimate kids he might have are rightfully heirs to Graceland. So this caused a bunch of Yahoo's(!) to claim they were Elvis' kid. So the court made all these people take DNA tests and out of 75 yahoo's, only 2 were Elvis' kid. Now, after reading that, you probably know which two are Elvis' kids and you're right:
Monica and Annoying Kid. HA! Just kidding. Yep, Wolves and Snake are half-brothers. Ain't that just...stupid? Just thought I'd drop that here.
Ok, back to the boat. The boat belonged to Elvis and he gave it to Snake, I guess in that court settlement.
Wolves spots Monica and Annoying Kid in my old Chevy car and a boring chase ensues which ends how you think it ends. Wolves wants the money and takes Annoying Kid as collateral.
Wolves punches the kid. I cheer.
At the dock/warehouse where the finale is gonna take place (Ohh, all this is gonna go up in flames, I just know it), we meet Ice-T. Ice-T is suppose to be a crazy one man army type guy. Snake shows up with the money and the longest exchange in the world takes place.
You think now that Snake has the kid and Wolves as the money, all of this is over with. But no. Snake makes a comment which makes Wolves check the bag o'money. Inside is newspaper...and the CGI scorpion! See? It was important!
Then it's time to blow shit up. And it's quite a spectacle. The SWAT team arrives, along with Lowell and Shatner/Walken Dude, and there's just gun fire and explosion galore. If you're into this kind of crap, you'll orgasm like 300 times during this scene.
During the process, Snake gets it in the chest and is carted away by an ambulance. I saw this coming from a mile away and I'm sure you do too, but I'll keep you in mild suspense for a bit.
Ice-T comes out of nowhere hanging on practically nothing upside down and just spins around shooting his gun. This didn't work out too well cause the SWAT team just kills him dead. Howie Long takes a bullet for Wolves, which sets him off for some reason. Then he combines "Taxi Driver" and "Scarface" when he looks in a mirror and points the gun at it, doing some type of "You talkin' to me?" speech. Then he goes out with guns ablazing as Lowell and Shatner/Walken guy pump him full of lead. And of course, he dies next to a toilet. I hear Alanis Morrissette writing a sequel to "Ironic".
The ambulance with Snake in it pulls off and the driver looks around asking stupidly "Where's my ambulance?!" Turns out Monica knows how to drive ambulances and took it. And, as you probably guessed, Snake had on a bullet proof vest. Good thing he didn't get shot in the face. Again. And you'd think Wolves would've known better.
Anyway, now that everyone thinks he's dead, he can live on the damn boat with Monica and Annoying Kid. The end. Seriously, that's it.
Well, not really. During the ending credits, we get shots of Kurt Russell dressed like Elvis and lip synching a song, while random shots of Kevin Costner playing around with some guns is shown. Every now and then we get shots of Christian Slater, Token Black Dude, and Monica's Husband-In-Real-Life playing with guns. Then what I guess are outtakes from the movie. Ok, now that's it for sure.
I usually grade action movies on a curve cause they're just there to have shit blow up. But for an action movie, this was pretty stupid. Both "Transporter" movies are way better than this. And in Transporter 2, he just happens to scrape off the bomb on the bottom of the car just right before it blows up. I believe that over anything in this movie.
This review has left the building.
-Jason
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