Sunday, June 28, 2009


Man, what a messed up week. We lost four celebrities in one week. Today we lost Billy Mays, oh I'm sorry I said his name wrong, BILLY MAYS!!!!!!!!, which I think sucks cause I kinda enjoyed having him around. Sure all the yelling was annoying but it was a gimmick to sell stuff and by george it worked. And if they were to make a movie based on BILLY MAYS!!!!!!!!, you know who I think should play him?

Chuck Norris, or CHUCK NORRIS!!!!

Yes, starting July 2nd I will be kicking off CHUCK NORRIS!!!!, a month long celebration on the man and his collective works. Just so we're clear, I won't be doing a movie each day. That's TOO much CHUCK NORRIS!!!! But it'll be spread across the month. I'll be doing most of his popular movies, some not-so-popular, and of course a week of Walker: Texas Ranger. Hells yes.

Before we start though, I thought I'd take some time to talk about a few things from his personal life. I know, you could easily look it up yourself (I get my facts from Wikipedia, soon to be a book!) but since I dont know how to edit wikipedia to make it say stuff in my words (Weird Al does though) I figured it'd be entertaining to hear it from me.

Chuck Norris was born Carlos Norris sometime in the 40's. Oddly enough, he didn't instantly start kicking ass and producing roundhouse kicks throughout school. He was teased and bullied cause he was part Irish and part Indian. He's like Billy Jack! But much cooler!

Eventually, he took up karate and learned how to kick ass. He signed up for the Air Force and was sent to South Korea where he learned how to kick some more ass. After all this ass kicking, Norris said "I kinda like this" and decided to base a carrer around it.

He came back to American and pretty much did a Daniel Larusso and partake in tournaments. He kicked so much ass he won awards for Best Ass Kicker and HOLY SHIT THIS DUDE ISN'T FUCKING AROUND GIVE HIM THIS AWARD NOW!!!! which I happen to own as well (one of three things me and Chuck Norris have in common)

He was hired by Hollywood as a fight instructor (maybe even Dolemite?) and eventually someone said to him "Hey, acting is easy" and Chuck went "Ok" and then proceeded to kick Hollywood's ass.

Then something bad happened. Chuck's brother Weiland was killed in Veitnam. Obviously, this upset him and he decided to make a series of movies dedicated to our troops. I will be covering just a few of these series.

Eventually, in the 80's, early 90's the world was starting to get tired of Norris. "Yeah, yeah you're a cop/sheriff/good guy and you roundhouse kick a bad guy to death. Hey, what's Arnold Swartzenegger up to?" So Norris said "Fuck you all, I'll do a TV show!" and he did.

Where he played a cop/sheriff/good guy delievering roundhouse kicks to bad guys.

Eventually, the internet was invented and someone said "Hey, Chuck Norris is such a badass he can do badass things!" and the Chuck Norris Fact Generator was born! This re-birthed his popularity, despite the fact he backed Mike Huckabee for President. It don't bother me that Chuck Norris is a republican (and, uh, pro-Pro 8 but whatever) I'm not a class warrior or whatever. So it shouldn't bother you. Cause Chuck Norris can kill you with a hair folicle.

So this should be a fun month. First up is gonna be Silent Rage. You are all in for a treat.

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