A Night At The Lammys

The day the invitation came in the mail was probably the best day of my life. I hardly get invited anywhere. There was this one time I was invited to the Best Website Awards and I got so excited that I ended up buying drinks at the pre-show party and in turn everyone bought me drinks. By the time the ceremony started, I was seeing double and I ended up throwing up on SomethingAwful.com. 4chan took pics of it.

But seeing I was finally nominated for an award I guess it made sense I get invited to the ceremony. I went and put on my best ironic T-Shirt (my offical Snakes On A Mothafuckin Plane shirt) and rented a 1993 Honda Hatchback for the occasion. Only the best I say!

I tried to get a date but my fiancee thought what I do is a bit silly and is mildly embarrassed about it. Whenever anyone asks her what I do for a hobby she says "collect scissors." Cause that hobby better than telling everyone how horrible movies are.

So stag I went and I showed up at the red carpet. Joan Rivers instantly bombarded me with questions like "How does it feel to be nominated?" and "Why do I see you commenting all the time on 1416 and Counting's blog all the time? Are you guys canoodling?" After I make a plastic surgery joke, I make my way into the building.

The building Fletch, Master of Ceremonies, rented was nice. Well, I thought it was until Nick at Random Ramblings of a Demented Doorknob told me it use to be a crack den. But it was nice, you can hardly smell the stains on the wall.

I found my seat and I was seated next to Final Girl, who was nominated for almost every award, including the one I was nominated for. I saw she bought a date, that one chick from that Terminator show. Not that one, the other one. I guess they're friends or whatever. I don't mean to imply they're dating or anything. Not that I have anything against that. I just don't want people to read those words and think I have some inside knowledge on Final Girl's life.

Anyway.

I nodded at Final Girl and she showed me a video of a drunk 50 something woman singing about Man! Let's Have Fun. I just nodded and looked at my watch. The show won't start for another hour. Why did I come so early?

Finally, after an hour, the show started. Fletch came out and did a dance number. It's difficult to put into words but I'll say it involved a parody of "The Surrey With The Fringe On Top" and clever use of the word "LAMB" strewn apart. I think he went a bit far with the props, however.



At last it was time to give the awards out. Since Fletch wanted to keep the results super top secret, he was not only the host but the presenter for all the awards. To mix it up however, he would change hats and occasionally put on a fake mustache. Once, he put on a 'fro, making him 6'9".

First he announced the winners for Best Random LAMB Banner, Most Likely To Get Paid (Which went to Final Girl, who DOES get paid to write about movies), Best Rating System, Best Reviewer, and Best Blog-A-Thon/Meme. I was getting antsy. When was my category gonna come up? I know Best Blog is last. Watch mine be second to last. And I have to go to the bathroom.

Thankfully, Fletch chose this time to run a stirring sad tribute to blogs who have bitten the dust, giving me the perfect opportunity to go. I won't mention who I saw in the mens room making out with someone cause they paid me enough to keep it quiet. But it'll surprise you.

Finally, after what felt like years, Fletch (wearing a fake dead swan across his chest for some reason) announced "Now it's time to award Best Theme. And the nominees are!"

For whatever reason, he showed video clips representing each blog nominated. Final Girl's was that Man! Let's Have Fun video. Mine was this video where I made fun of the stupid Step Up 2 dance contest. I was a bit embarrassed. I guess my "Nightmare" video came too late. Oh well, maybe next year.



And now it was time. Fletch said: "And the winner is" and it seemed like the entire world went silent at once. I saw him mouth the words "of the" and I had to think "Is there some other site with the words 'of the' in the title?" Was "Silence of the Lambs" a blog?

Needless to say, I sat there like a dummy for 10 seconds. Finally Reel Whore poked at me and said "Go you moron!" and I stood up, dumbfounded.

I don't remember much after I stood up. I do remember standing by the podium and some hot model chick handed me the award. I turned to the audience and damn there was a lot of people. I didn't think this many people would come. I composed myself and this was the speech I gave:



Ok, not really. Here's my real speech:

Thank you to everybody who voted for me. I didn't know that many LAMBs knew I existed but here I am, with the award for Best Theme. I don't know who you are (well I know at least two of you) but I thank each and every one of you. This is totally awesome and I never won an award for anything in my life. This makes what I do seem more worthwhile, knowing that people hang on to my every word. I'm not sure why that is, but I thank you. Also like to thank Fletch for giving me the award on my birthday. Possibly the coolest birthday gift ever. And another thanks to Fletch for running things at the LAMB. None of us would be where we are today without him. Thanks and see you at the after party.

I sat down and Final Girl was clapping but had that look that said "you bastard I was planning on a clean sweep." Hey, who says the underdog can't win?

Yada yada yada, later that night I drank too much and threw up on Rachel's Reel Reviews. Sorry about that.



Fuck yeah!
-Jason