Thursday, July 23, 2009

CHUCK NORRIS!!!! Month: Breaker, Breaker!

Hey, did you guys know that Chuck Norris made a trucker movie, back when making trucker movies was the thing to do? I know, amazing, right?

The year is 1977 and everyone is wishing it was the 80's already so they can stop listening to disco and wearing ugly ass polyester clothing. And what's worse is there was a trend of movies, the trucker movie, that took the nation by storm. There was "Convoy" which is either based on the song, or the song was based on the movie. I don't know what's worse. Then on TV we had "B.J and The Bear" which I won't even touch without putting on some disco-fied bell bottoms. So when Chuck Norris was done kicking ass for a living and made the trasistion to film, the studios didn't know what to do with him, and they realized they had this dumb ass trucker script lying around and thought "Hell, it could use some roundhouse kicks" and gave it to Norris.

Chuck Norris is J.D, a trucker and a world famous one at that. How you get world famous for being a truck is beyond me. He has a younger brother named Billy who's new to the trucker world. His first gig is to take some T.V dinners (important) to some other location.

I'm looking for the man who took my mustache!

Meanwhile, our bad guy, Judge Joshua Trimmings, has gathered his cult followers into some patch of land and says he has proof the state of California has declared this a "town" and it shall be named Texas City and it shall be good. Apparently this Texas City is known in the trucker world has a speed trap where truckers get pulled over and are given the choice to pay 250 dollars or spend 250 days in jail. There's a sinister motive behind that. The judge uses the money to make illegal moonshine and uses the cars they take as scrap to sell to get MORE money to make illegal moonshine. So this cult worships moonshine apparently.

We get back and forth shots of Billy driving and J.D having dinner with a weird-eyed friend when some other guy comes in and says he wants to challenge J.D. J.D doesn't wanna do it but the guy more or less bullies him into it. So, since this is Chuck Norris and NOT Sly Stallone, I figured it was street fighting or something karate-like.

Well, I was wrong. It is indeed arm wrestling. Is it written somewhere that all truckers have to arm wrestle? Then again, juding by the people watching the event...

Of course J.D wins and a fight breaks out, which J.D quietly sneaks out of. Back with Billy, he's tricked into going through Texas City and is immedately pulled over. He's taken to Judge Joshua who makes up all these charges and tells Billy the two choices he has. Billy picks option 3 which is "I'm Chuck Norris' brother and I choose to kick ass!" as he jumps through a plate glass window and tries to escape. But Chuck Norris he is not and of course he's caught.

Some time later, J.D is worried about Billy and through some weird miracle he finds out Billy was last seen in Texas City. I don't know how he found this out, he just said "Billy's in Texas City!" So you know what he must do! GET IN HIS SWEET SWEET VAN AND KICK SOME TOWN'S ASS!!!!

Fuck. Yeah.

J.D gets to town and he's almost immedately shot at but he's ok. He pulls his sweet sweet van into a mechanic and talks to the town's retard, named Arnie. Arnie's brother Wade is the mechanic and J.D tells him to fix the radiator. You ever see the movie "U-Turn", that late 90's movie with Sean Penn, J.Lo and directed by Oliver Stone? This movie kinda makes that town look like Pleasantville.

J.D goes snooping around and meets a friendly waitress named Arlene. Arlene seems to be the defiant one in this town so naturally J.D will be boning her later. And what's odd about this movie is it has no notion of time. Arlene is working at the diner and J.D leaves. He meets up with the two cops in this town, both named Strobe, and runs away. He runs over a hill and here comes Arlene, wearing different clothes, in her car, with her son Tony. Maybe this town is on some space-time continum thingy.

There's a town meeting and J.D crashes it, demanding to know where Billy is. Joshua sends the entire town after him and J.D does the smartest thing ever: he literally grabs onto a beam holding the roof up, pulls himself up, and lets the entire town (all 8 of them) run underneath him. J.D comes crashing down and goes face to face with Joshua, who just yells at the dumb townspeople to go THAT WAY!

J.D finds his van was fixed (sure the mechanic hates J.D but he can't pass up working on a sweet sweet van) and uses it to get outta Texas City. He pulls up to Arlene's house, where she tells him to park it in her back. Then later, he "parks it in her back" if you get my meaning.

It's now the next morning and we learn via Tony that J.D and Arlene had sex in his sweet sweet van. Of course they did. The instant she laid eyes on his sweet sweet van she was instantly moist and was practically grinding against anything in sight. Chuck Norris' boner just happened to be there.

Somehow this inbred (oh yes, they're inbred) town affored a helicopter, but I get the feeling they stole it, and one of the 8 people in this town is flying it over Arlene's house, where they spot J.D's van, probably with it's axel's blown. The pilot informs one of the Strobes of this and they go over there.

Thankfully for breakfast, Arlene made some T.V dinners, the same ones Billy was hauling! GASP!! This somehow tells J.D where Billy is hidden and he goes to find him. This takes J.D to the wrecking yard where this inbred with a unibrow is smashing cars. J.D breaks in and is discovered by the hick in the sky. And you're not gonna believe this. The hick in the sky and Unibrow Man are talking to each other WITHOUT a walkie-talkie. They're just shouting at each other. That guy is 300 feet in the air and with a loud ass engine like 2 inches behind him and he's able to CLEARLY hear what Unibrow Man is saying? Bullshit!


And ladies...he's single! RAWR!

J.D manages to kick Unibrow Man's ass enough times to get him to say what happened to Billy, by which he glances at the car squisher. J.D freaks out, which gives Unibrow Man an advantage and throws J.D into the squisher. Of course, J.D gets out and another fight breaks out where somehow Unibrow Man dies.

Joshua and both Strobes are at Arlene's house. Joshua has Tony on his knee and this scene is mildly disturbing cause of the whole inbred thing. I'm not gonna get totally into it but we learn that Tony calls him grandpa and the more this movie goes on, the more we're suppose to hate Joshua. The Strobes get a call about Unibrow Man and that Wade (I think, all inbreds look alike) managed to corner J.D. He only cornered him after 10 minutes of J.D running through town kicking every body's ass! It was a delightful scene.

So they put J.D in a jail cell, Joshua shows up and tells J.D he's been sentenced to death, and Tony managed to escape his creepy grandpa. Arlene manages to escape via dirt bike but doesn't get very far. She finds an abandoned cop car with it's walkie talkie still working. I honestly have no idea what this car is about. It's a major deus ex machina if you ask me.

Arlene uses the walkie-talkie to call every trucker in the country to come help J.D and boy howdy they sure do. The last 10 minutes of this movie is a fucking doozy. I almost thought I was dreaming and I kept slapping myself to make sure I was awake. My fiance thought I finally lost my mind. I assured her I wasn't and I continued watching.

So every trucker in the world shows up on Texas City's doorstep and just basically start ramming through buildings. J.D is taken out of the cell, which is a bad idea cause now he can totally kick some ass. Wade is about to shoot him when Arnie shows up and Wade accidently shoots him. Because of this, Wade plays nice and tells J.D that Billy is alive and tied up in a barn.

J.D goes to the barn, where one of the Strobes is beating up on Billy. This of course pisses J.D off and he goes into full attack mode. It's hard to put into words the asskicking this guy got. Let's just say the guy is minus some lungs. So the ending shows us the town of Texas City as it goes up in flames. A truck plowed through Joshua's house so he's gone. And I guess everything has a happy ending.

My major complaint was the time listed on the DVD. It says one hour and 5 minutes. I was like "Eh, it's short, I can do that, and have dinner cooked before 8, then work on the review." The one hour and 5 minute mark came and went. I was like "um, ok?" Turns out this movie is the standard one hour and 30 minutes. Way, way off DVD company.

Oh and during the final fight scene with Strobe, they kept showing a horse for no reason. Repeatedly. I don't know what that was about. This entire movie was pretty much "The 1970's: The Movie" what with it's music, clothes, filming style, etc. It's not good, it's not bad. It's just a cheesy early Chuck Norris movie and that's all you really want when you see the star is Chuck Norris.
Good buddy.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

CHCH a TV station from Hamilton, ON showed Breaker Breaker out of all the possible movie choices as it's Friday night feature on 9/11/09.