CHUCK NORRIS!!!! Month: Walker, Texas Ranger: Lucas

This is episode 3 and episode 4 of Season 5. Judging from the style of this episode, Chuck hired a new editor and/or got some fancy editing equipment. All the transitions between scenes gave me a headache.

But that's not important. What is important is that this is, in fact, another "special episode of Walker, Texas Ranger". Again, cause it's the '90's we need to learn about something that was effecting the world and this time Walker is gonna roundhouse kick the big one: AIDS.

But how? Is Walker gonna get AIDS, almost die, but after dreaming about eagles he gets over it, much like Magic Johnson? Sadly, no. But what does happen is even more insane then that. I will get this out of the way though: it was a tough episode, emotionally. Too bad it took for-fucking-ever.

We start off with Walker and Trivette pulling up to a crack house with a bunch of other Rangers. The rangers bust the door down and immedately start shooting, fighting, and arresting. We focus on our main bad guy Rafer. Cause this is an episode of "Walker", he's an over-the-top bad guy. He actually growls in certain scenes. Here, he grabs Mackenzie Phillips, holds her hostage, and leaves before being arrested.

Walker searches the house and finds a door with a lock on it. He simply busts the lock off and opens the door and inside he finds a dirty Haley Joel Osment. Cue credits and Mr. Chuck "The Voice" Norris singing the theme song! (I still can't believe he sings...)

When we come back, Haley is in the hospital but he isn't talking to no one. Walker goes up to him and roundhouse kicks him until he speaks. Ok, no he doesn't. He just starts yammering about guessing people's names until Haley goes "SHUT THE FUCK UP! My name's Lucas!"

One montage (get use to those) later, not only is Lucas talking but he's friends with Walker. We find Rafer and Mackenzie in a hotel room and learn that Mackenzie is Lucas' Mom. Mom has AIDS which means be default Lucas also has AIDS. Get those Kleenex ready!

Now that Lucas is finally social-able it's time to turn him around and send him to a County Orphanage! Yeah! He's gonna be the talk of the building! Well, he is. See, Walker didn't tell Lucas he has AIDS cause he doesn't know how to break it to him. But everyone else in the entire state knows and cause no one knew anything about AIDS back then, they think Lucas is Death and avoid him like the...well you know.

Walker immedately busts him out of the orphanage and it's another montage of Lucas and Walker on Walker's ranch, skipping stones and riding horses. Maybe Lucas will live?

We go back to Rafer and Mackenzie and he slaps her for saying the name Lucas. He overacts some more, does so much cocaine that the "Scarface" dude is like "Whoa back up!" and does some more yelling.

Walker and Trivette do another drug bust, looking for Lucas' Mom. No one knows where she's at. Really? You try to bust some other drug dealers hoping they'd know? That's like arresting one criminal hoping they know where some other random criminal is. Sure, they might know but the odds are slim.

Mackenzie managed to break away from Rafer long enough to call Walker and demand Lucas back. When that goes nowhere, Mackenzie runs back to the abusive Rafer. I dunno, if I got away from him, I would just leave the state and/or country, knowing my son was in good hands. Course I'm not a crackhead.

Lucas has a nightmare which is important later on cause it gets changed and it's really noticeable. Lucas is standing on a balcony or something and reaching over the railing for his Mom, who's trying to grab Lucas. Soon, Mom changes to Rafer and he growls some more. Lucas wakes up screaming.

After that it's more heartfelt stuff with Lucas and Walker. There's even a disturbing scene where they help a horse give birth and they ACTUALLY SHOW IT BEING BORN OH MY GOD!!

When that's not happening, we get some more details about Walker's childhood. Remember how his parents died and how it helped a rape victim? Well the rest of the story helps a kid cope with AIDS. Walker was sent to an orphanage himself where he didn't get along with anyone cause he was part Indian, even though he looks completely white. Soon enough, his Uncle Ray, last seen in the first episode, picked him up and takes him to live at a reservation, where now he's outcasted for being white. Soon, Uncle Ray teaches him the ways of the Indian and soon he's accepted by everybody. Yeah yeah but how did he learn how to kick ass!

Whatever, anyway.

I can't recall how but Walker knows where Rafer and Mackenzie is and busts down the door. Rafer discovers that his bank card and saftey deposit box key is missing and knows that Mackenzie gave it to Lucas. He escapes Walker but leaves Mackenzie cause she's too sick.

Mother and son reunite at the hospital and after a tearful "I love you" she dies. And end of part 1. Yes, this entire story is told in two parts. It could've been only 1 if they left out the fucking montages and trips to the past but whatever, again.

Part two, the craziest part of the story, begins with Walker still not knowing how to tell Lucas about his AIDS. C.D casually mentions that he's now staying with Walker while his place is fumagated. Gee, thanks for setting up a plot point later on. Walker decides to take Lucas back to the reservation where he grew up and maybe he'll find the inspiration to tell Lucas.

Walker takes Lucas out to some part of the woods for a camping trip and tells him about his mentor White Eagle and how he helped Walker out with troubles and problems and stuff, but in a wise Indian kind of way. Lucas has his nightmare again but this time it's way different. Here, he's being chased by Rafer. It totally makes sense that he's having nightmares of Rafer since he locked him in a room and stuff but the different nightmares of him just growling don't make too much sense.

Lucas wakes up and runs away and he literally runs into White Eagle! Why, imagine that! Before we get to him, we find Rafer breaking into Walker's house and searching Lucas' room for the key and bank card. I don't know how he thinks Mackenzie gave Lucas the key and card, if she did, wouldn't she have just taken Lucas and ran off with the money? C.D, who's staying at Walker's cause of the fumagation, finally wakes up in time to see Rafer gone. Thanks old guy.

Back in the woods, the insanity starts. White Eagle thinks Lucas needs to go on a spirital journey to help rid of his nightmares. The solution, which I promise I'm not making up: get naked in a tiny tent with steam. I swear.

So there's Chuck Norris, Haley Joel Osment and an old Indian sitting in a tiny tent, near naked and sweating. The gods were smiling down on me today, I tell you. They tell Lucas to have the nightmare again but this time Walker and White Eagle will be there to help out.

Lucas starts having the nightmare and is being chased by Rafer. Finally, he runs into Walker and White Eagle and they try to kick Rafer's ass, but he soon takes them down. He's about to growl at Lucas, when Lucas picks up an ax and threatens him. This makes Rafer back away and eventually explode. I forgot to mention that this entire scene is filmed in LSD-mode, with different colors flashing up and the camera being whipped around at weird angles.




Lucas wakes up and is happy he finally defeated his nightmare. White Eagle goes back to where ever he came from and Lucas and Walker return home. Somewhere along the way, Walker finally gets the courage to tell Lucas he has AIDS and Lucas is ok with this. In fact he wants to go on a speaking tour across the country. Honestly.

So Lucas goes on his tour and Rafer finds out and gets even more mad. Late one night, Rafer breaks in and sneaks up on Lucas, asking where the key and card is. Lucas, remembering the whole thing with the ax is unafraid. Rafer notices the picture frame of Lucas and his mom and realizes that wasn't in the room before so he goes after it. But Walker comes in and kicks his ass for good. And sure enough the key and card was inside. Yeah I have no idea how the fuck that happened. But the episode is almost over so let's not think about it too much.

Next scene is suppose to be after Rafer's trial. So about a year has passed since Walker found Lucas in the closet I'm guessing. Lucas goes to bed and starts coughing. Uh-oh! But before any bad stuff happens, it's Lucas' birthday! Yay! And now he has all kinds of friends who support him and his AIDS! Yay!!

Ok, time to die.

Lucas is coughing and Walker takes him to the hospital. Lucas tells the horse that he saw be born goodbye "for now" and, well...Lucas died. We don't see him die. But we do see the funeral, which is one the one non-weird/bad thing about this episode so I'll just leave it alone.

But that's pretty much it. There's the "AIDS" episode. God, I should watch every episode to see every issue Walker deals with. How did he deal with the ozone layer? How did he deal with the whole Bosnia thing? And how did he deal with the break up of Milli Vanilli?
-Jason