Monday, July 27, 2009

CHUCK NORRIS!!!! Month: The Delta Force


My friends, I personally have come to the end of the Chuck Norris Theme Month. I planned on this movie being the last movie that I would do. Hopefully there should be one more Norris film in the pipeline written by somebody else if they come through. I only hope that movie is better than this one. Cause holy crap.

When I was going through Netflix, planning this month, I found this movie not only starred Mr. Norris but LEE MOTHAFUCKIN' MARVIN! I mean, holy shit! The combination of them two? I can't go wrong. This was the big showstopper. This was suppose to be the movie to end all Chuck Norris movies. I put in the DVD and I see the words "A GOLAN/GLOBUS PRODUCTION" and I knew I was in shit territory.

But no wait. They also did "Missing in Action", which was alright. There was a lot of fighting and explosions. I should be fine. Then the movie started.

I'm gonna just tell you now that all the good stuff that you probably want to see doesn't happen till the end of the movie. The stuff before it? Slow. As.





....




....




fuck.

I never shouted so much at my TV before and I watch MTV.

Ok so the plot is a plane gets hijacked. We meet our unfortunate passengers which includes and I'm not shitting you: Shelly Winters, Joey Bishop, Martin Balsam, the Mom from "Gigli" and "My Big Fat Greek Wedding", and George Kennedy. Fuck, George Kennedy? Why even get on the plane, you know when he's around there's trouble.

Nice hair.

What, is this a Chuck Norris movie or the Love Boat?


Fuck, we're dead.

It's established that Shelly Winters, Joey Bishop, Martin Balsam, and Big Fat Gigli Mom are Jewish. We also see our bad guys roaming around the airport in Greece, where this doomed flight is taking off from. A bad guy pretends to be a janitor and hides a handgun and some gernades in the bathroom. Talk about a well stocked bathroom. I'm lucky if the toilet flushes on my flight.

The plane boards and not even five minutes after take off, the bad guys reveal themselves and hijacks the plane. You know the entire movie "United 93" about the taking over of that plane on 9/11? If these guys took over that plane, it somehow would've crashed in the Atlantic Ocean. Plus there's only two terrorists and like a billion passengers, which Shelly Winters helpfully shouts out. Sorry Miss Winters, if you had problems with the script, you should've bought them up before filming.

Our Lead Hijacker Abdul (honestly, that's his name, don't send your letters to me) informs us that he's the leader of some group that hates America and blah blah blah. Let's get to Chuck Norris drop kicking into the airplane and kicking some terrorist ass! AMERICA! FUCK YEAH!!

But...Norris, playing McCoy (Dammit Jim!), is just at home eating. Lee Marvin, plays Nick, is at a bar picking up a skank. Alrighty then. Our heroes ladies and gentlemen.

But soon enough the U.S Government gets their shit together and forms our Delta Force! And they break into the plane and kick ass!!! Um, no not yet. First we need to sit around for a few hours and talk about how to break into the plane. I don't care HOW they do it, I just WANT them to do it. Jesus.

Back on the plane, Abdul seperates everybody like crazy. First it's men and women, then women and kids, then women and fat guys, then black and white, then dogs and cats, and finally, DNA strands and DNA strands. Soon enough, Abdul learns there are Jewish people on the plane and has them seperated too. This scene goes on wayyyyy too fucking long. Example:

Abdul: Ok, call out the first Jew.
Crazy Haired Stewardess: Mr. Joey Bishop.
(Joey Bishop takes 10 minutes walking to the front of the plane, stopping to talk to everyone on the way and tell a protesting Gigli Greek Mom to sit down.)
Abdul: Ok, next.
CHS: Mr. Martin Balsam.
Shelly Winters: NO!!! NO!!! NO!!! (repeat 10 more minutes.)

UGH!!! Chuck Norris, will you just fucking fly into the plane, do some roundhouse kicks so we can go home?

Well, he's now on an airplane...still in America. I think two days have gone by. DO SOMETHING ALREADY!!!

I'm gonna do the next few scenes in dash points cause I'm irritated.
-Abdul finds some Army guys and seperates them as well, then he picks on one Army guy and beats him senseless.
-George Kennedy claims he's a Jew, even though Kennedy or his characters last name O'Malley, don't sound Jewish at all.
-The Other Hijacker Not Given A Name switches from being super crazy to suddenly caring about a pregnant AMERICAN woman. But death to America or something.
-More shots of Lee Marvin and Chuck Norris sitting on their goddamn plane, talking to Robert Vaughn, who's also just sitting around.

Well, it's a Chuck Norris movie. Time to get some sleep.

-The plane's destination, Beiruit, won't allow the plane to land. After 2 minutes, the plane lands.
-McCoy and Nick are still in the plane. At this point in a NORMAL Chuck Norris movie he would've flew his own airplane, jumped onto the plane, punched his way in through the window, kicked Abdul's ass, shot the pilot and landed the plane his own damn self. And somehow land in Veitnam, where now they have to escape by foot.

What Chuck Norris and Lee Marvin did for HALF THE MOVIE.

-Some guys come onto the airplane, take the Jews out, and takes them to some building with jail cells. How Abdul planned this spontaniously is beyond me. Cause he didn't know there were Jews on the plane, even though the odds of it are pretty high. I mean, the plane has over 120 people. At least ONE of them has to be Jewish. But whatever.
-After refueling, the plane leaves. So...we're not gonna stay in Beiruit? Ok.
-The plane is now going to Algiers and this is where McCoy and Nick land.
-After 20 minutes of nothing, and a disturbing shot of a 6-year-old girl shirtless, Abdul lets the women and children go. The men are still on the plane.
-FINALLY we get some action when McCoy and his men are set to take over the plane. Crazy Haired Stewardess, who's German and found the Jewish plot disturbing, says there are more terrorists on the plane and they'll kill the Jews if the plane is hurt in anyway. It is now Day 5 of this hijacking.
-Nick calls the ambush of the plane off and it flies away to...somewhere.
-For no reason, we get a training session of McCoy breaking into a fake plane and shooting dummies. JESUS GET TO THE REAL THING ALREADY!!!
-Nothing happens.
-Nothing happens.
-Nothing happens.
-Some Greek priest knows the whereabouts of the Jews but Abdul, now off the airplane, kills him.
-It's now 2 months into the hijacking. McCoy is eating a burger and doing a crossword puzzle. I'm crying cause I'm bored and dissapointed.
-Nothing happens.
-Nothing happens.
-A mild shoot out/chase scene happens but it ends too quickly.
-Nothing happens.

Ok. You get the point. Let's just get to the end.

First they rescue the regular male hostages from one building. Shit gets blown up good. Then they rescue the Jews and Army guys. More shit gets blown up good. McCoy rides a motorcycle that farts missles, which is awesome. Now it's time to rescue the flight crew. Nick does this while McCoy tracks down Abdul and more or less teases him and kicks his ass with his farting motorcycle. Finally, McCoy gets bored and just blows the fuck out of Abdul.

Nick kills the guys guarding the plane and tells the pilot to take off once all the hostages are on board. The typical "But what about McCoy?" "Leave 'em we gotta leave!" "LOOK! HERE HE COMES!!!" *Farts missle* scene happens where McCoy takes out some more guys, then climbs into the plane. Jeez, he should've done that 90 hours ago.

Everyone's happy, one of McCoy's friends didn't make it so he's sad, familys are reunited and all are happy. Including me cause this boring ass Chuck Norris movie has come to a close.

Seriously, this movie is 2 hours and 8 minutes long. Why the fuck is it so long? Why waste the awesome power of Chuck Norris and Lee Marvin by having them sit around just waiting for shit to happen? Why all the dividing of the people? WHO ARE YOU????

Sadly, this brings my portion of CHUCK NORRIS!!!! Month to a close. I am sad. I think I need to watch Rambo 2 and 3 to cheer myself up. Or get some tits in my face. That always works.

-Jason

1 comment:

Tommy Salami said...

Watching this movie was like re-experiencing the 444+ days of the Iran hostage crisis all over again. Norris's good movies sort of begin with Code of Silence (ROBOT YEAH!) and end with McQuade so I respect your diligence... I was gonna watch Firewalker in sympathy... you planning to do that one this month? did I miss it?