Sunday, July 19, 2009

CHUCK NORRIS!!!! Month: Walker, Texas Ranger: In The Name of God

This "Walker" recap was written by Mass Invader Devon. She reported to me via Twitter that this episode pretty much broke her spirit and her will. I sorta feel bad about this, so hope you guys enjoy this review.

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So this episode starts with Walker and Token Black Guy Whose Name I Can't Remember crouching down in the wild, leafy depths of the wilderness someplace and gazing through a pair of binoculars at a group of squirrelly, gun-toting men congregating around a pickup truck. One of the guys getting spied on is that same doofy illegal weapons dealer from the first episode who claimed he sold weapons to Libya or something, but really he didn't, but I guess now he's out of jail and selling illegal weapons to other people instead. Black Guy is appalled that Doofy Weapons Guy is still out and about and doing his funky thing on the streets with the illegal weapons. Walker responds to Black Guy's indignation by making a crack about how Black Guy basically bragged to him a few episodes ago that he once unleashed poisonous snakes in Doofy Weapons Guy's house just to fuck with him, which Black Guy now fervently denies any responsibility for.

In the true spirit of the show, Black Guy's first suggestion for how to deal with the illegal weapons dealer and his two scraggly patrons is to DROP A FUCKING BOULDER ON THEM using Walker's truck. Walker thinks this is a bad idea, not because of how illegal, immoral, or extremely brutal it would be, but because “it won't work.” Walker stalks off in disgust, and Black Guy trails after him momentarily, whining that Walker “never listens to [him]” and is “too stubborn” before defiantly spinning around and declaring, “It will TOO work!”

While Black Guy gleefully revs up Walker's pick-up truck and starts ramming the front end of it against the boulder, Walker actually conducts himself like a normal law enforcement officer for a change by walking down to the place where the weapons deal is taking place, drawing his gun, and calmly informing everyone that they're under arrest for trafficking in illegal weapons. Just when he's got everybody tied and/or handcuffed, the boulder gives way before the mighty force of Walker's crappy pick-up truck, and comes tumbling down the hill straight toward them. Walker yanks Doofy Weapons Guy out of the way, but the other two guys have to run away from the boulder so they don't die, and they sort of just keep running, and then they're gone, like, they totally escaped. Black Guy is really happy with himself, even though basically all he did was create a diversion so that two of the three people they already had in custody could get away. Walker shakes his head affectionately, plops the weapons dealer in the back of his pick-up truck, and then peels out recklessly in pursuit of the two totally harmless and nonviolent criminals that he just peacefully apprehended thirty seconds ago. Welcome to this show's ethos.

Opening Credits Montage! Walker Texas Ranger IS Chuck Norris!

This episode is entitled “In the Name of God,” and the first post-teaser scene takes place in a compound which is conveniently labeled with a bunch of signs that say “New Caanan Congregation” and “New Caanan Heaven Compound.” This episode is especially tasteless, by the way, because it originally aired like RIGHT after the WACO seige happened. Like later the very same year.

A lot of pregnant ladies are standing around in vegetable gardens reading Bibles and stuff, and some guy outside the fence is sitting in his car and spying on them. Most sinister of all, we see an American Flag – MOUNTED UPSIDE DOWN YOU GUYS. THESE PEOPLE TOTALLY HATE THE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT AND AMERICAN FAMILY VALUES AND THE REAL JESUS.

The guy becomes furious suddenly, slams on the gas pedal, and drives his car through some wimpy little unguarded wooden gate that was apparently hidden off to the side for some reason, even though the main entrance to the compound is like all barbed-wirey and surrounded by guards with AK-47s and stuff. Suddenly he's INSIDE THE HEAVILY-GUARDED COMPOUND where he's not supposed to be! All because somebody was so dumb that they FORGOT to guard that little wooden gate over there! Golly boy howdy, cult members are stupid, you guys.

So anyway, of course the guys guarding the main entrance are mad. They pull the guy out of his car and start punching him and stuff, and he yells at them that he's here to get his daughter back, and they claim she isn't there. But then his daughter comes waddling out all big and pregnant, screaming not to hurt him because he's her dad. They have a tearful reunion and she tells her dad that he shouldn't have come there, and then the cult leader guy comes out and is like, “yeah, you shouldn't have come here, dude.” Only he says it with prettier words than that, and quotes from the Bible and stuff. Angry Dad aggressively disagrees, but no one cares what he thinks. His daughter tells him again that she wants to stay in the wacky religious compound and that he should go away, so finally he does, looking crestfallen.

Elsewhere, people are throwing a surprise party for the District Attorney lady that Walker is secretly fucking probably. Someone claims she's turning 28, which is not true. More like 38, for realsies. District Attorney Lady makes a sarcastic joke about how her life is exciting or something. Then Walker gives her a present, which turns out to be a really ugly turquoise bracelet. She blows out her Birthday candles, people start to get bored and wander away, and then District Attorney Lady immediately starts bitching about how she can't get some witness to testify in the murder trial she's working on right now. Walker and Tonto say that they will do her a special Birthday favor and go serve the guy a subpoena right this very minute so she doesn't have to worry about it anymore.

So of course it turns out that the guy they're going to harass is some huge, obnoxious guy with a shaved head and a handlebar mustache who is busy dumping cans of garbage into a dumpster. This man immediately becomes my hero by responding to their issuance of the subpoena by grabbing them both by their shirts and hurtling them backwards onto the pavement. He then tries to escape from them by climbing up onto some scaffolding, and they follow him and try to wrestle him to the ground or something, which of course results in all three of them falling comically into the dumpster.

Back at the D.A.'s office, that guy who broke into the wacky religious compound earlier is freaking out about how he needs someone to go rescue his daughter. He explains about how his daughter went crazy after her mom died, and now this evil guy who runs the religious cult is manipulating her to make her want to stay there. The whole cult basically consists of a lot of dumb, pregnant teenage girls, and some older men who Angry Dad claims are “just a bunch of cons.” D.A. Lady points out that his daughter is legally an adult and therefore nobody can really do anything, but he says something sentimental about not wanting to lose his daughter blah blah, so because she's a woman, D.A. Lady immediately reverses herself and drops everything she's doing to drive out to the compound where the daughter is being held and “talk to her.”

Walker and that other guy return to the station with the guy they arrested earlier and sit down to start booking him. Other people in the office make jokes about how they smell bad from being in a dumpster. Walker and his little sidekick are both annoyed and talk about how their clothes are ruined. Blah blah filler.

The Sexy D.A. pulls up in front of Loony Bible-Thumpers 'R' Us, gets out of her car, and starts talking to an ornery looking young lady with a garden hoe who is either fat or preggers. Fatty Preggo McFatsalot inquires as to whether Sexy D.A. is looking for Deacon John, explaining, “the pretty ones always come looking for him.” Sexy D.A. says no, she's looking for this other chick who's supposed to be there, and Preggo agrees that they should go see her.

Somewhere else on the compound, a bunch of guys are doing some kind of elaborate military drill that involves randomly firing automatic weapons and shouting a lot and rolling around in the dirt. The cult leader guy, who I guess is Deacon John, stands on a platform that looms high above the activity and brandishes a large weapon. He fires a few rounds at some random person on the ground, and another, ferrety individual in a black suit freaks out and tells him not to do that because that's live ammo. Then a guy walks up underneath the platform and tells them that the District Attorney is there and she's talking to Emmy. Deacon John is upset that the Sexy D.A. was able to make it past security and quickly lopes off to deal with the situation in person.

Emmy is having a good time conversing with the Sexy D.A. when Deacon John drives up in a big red Jeep. “Isn't he just to DIE for?” Emmy chortles stupidly. Deacon John gets out of his car, saunters over to them, and puts his arm around Emmy as the Sexy D.A. explains that she is there on behalf of Emmy's father, who wants to press charges for aggravated assault. Deacon John says that no aggravated assault took place, and the Sexy D.A. asks Emmy what she thinks happened. Emmy is simultaneously ditzy and evasive, as is clearly her wont. The Sexy D.A. says she'll leave, but first she wants to talk to Emmy in private. They start to walk away toward the big front gates, but then all of a sudden, the gates slam shut. A big burly guy grabs the Sexy D.A. roughly by the shoulders, jerking her backward. “LET GO OF ME!” she squawks, but Deacon John quickly explains that the gates are electrified, that they close automatically at the same time every evening, and that they are operated on a timer that can't be overridden. So the Sexy D.A. is basically stuck there until 6:00 the following morning. Sexy D.A. wants to use a phone, but Deacon John only leers at her and pronounces, “We have no phones, no television.” No boats, no goats, no motor cars. “We have the Bible,” he adds. The Sexy D.A. looks scandalized.

I guess it's the next day, although the Sexy D.A. really doesn't look like she slept on her hair or anything, but whatever, I guess it's hard to tell with '90s hairstyles. She talks to Deacon John some more, telling him that her conversation with Emmy the night before revealed that Deacon John is guilty of statutory rape, which is a felony (Emmy is 18, but she got knocked up while she was still 17). She also tosses off a reference to “the paramilitary drills” and accuses Deacon John of using “mind control.” Deacon John freaks out and grabs her by the arm, and then he has her dragged away by some thugs while she squeals about how she's the District Attorney and they can't do this.

Walker and Pocahontas are concerned that Alex missed her court date and isn't answering her phone, so they decide to go to her apartment and check on her. There is some eyebrow-waggling banter outside her apartment about how Walker has been to her apartment before. No one cares.

Inside the apartment everything is pretty much normal (well...normal for 1993, I guess). Walker stalks around the place broodingly like his spidey sense is tingling. He eventually charges upstairs to Alex's answering machine and plays her messages. One of them is from Emmy's dad, who wants to know what's going on “at the compound.” Walker immediately ascertains that he is talking about “that religious cult out in Decatur.” The wheels of Act II – they have been set in motion!

Deacon John's weasely lawyer chastises him for kidnapping the District Attorney, an act which Deacon John refers to as “damage control.” They argue about it and it's boring. Deacon John has a religious freak-out and pins his lawyer to a tree, spouting a bunch of crap in his face about God and redemption and stuff.

Walker and the other guy pull up in front of New Caanan. In a room somewhere, Alex beats a door with her fists and wails, “NOOOOOOOOO!!!”

Deacon John comes out and Walker asks what happened to Alex. Deacon John claims she took Emmy back home to her father. Walker wants to search the compound and Deacon John says that's fine but they have to leave their weapons, so Walker agrees and hands him their guns, which seems like a really dumb thing to do, but whatevs. They go around and ask a lot of fat pregnant women about Emmy, and everyone pretends they've never heard of her. Alex pounds plaintively on a window, through which she can see her friends meandering around the compound like dumbasses looking for her.

Walker and Blackie leave. Deacon John glowers after them. “Remember his face, Luther. This is the face of death and destruction,” he intones sullenly to some meathead mullet guy standing next to him.

Back in the car, Walker reveals his brilliant plan to get Deacon John's fingerprints off the guns and “find out who this guy really is.” I get into a minor argument with my roommate about whether or not they already have enough evidence to get a search warrant. Don't they already pretty much know that he's been fucking underage girls in there? Whatever. I've noticed this show likes to pretend sometimes that doing things according to established procedure is really difficult and time-consuming when actually it's not, because that makes it seem less inappropriate when Walker just ignores the law and does whatever he wants.

In the next scene, Blackie returns from somewhere, hands Walker a piece of paper, and starts telling him all about Deacon John's criminal record, which involves things like aggravated assault, rape, and possession of illegal weapons. Blackie expresses deep skepticism about their chances of getting a warrant based on this information.

Walker shows up at a county jail someplace where Doofy Guy from the teaser is telling the story AGAIN about how the black dude once put snakes in his bed. Walker tells Doofus that he wants him to go to New Caanan and sell Deacon John some illegal weapons in exchange for a plea bargain, but Doofus says he won't do that, because he knows that guy and he's crazy. Then the black dude shows up and Doofus starts doing his tired, lame, “HEY GET THAT GUY AWAY FROM ME HE'S CRAZY” schtick that he always does whenever Blackie shows up, and so then I guess Doofus changes his mind out of blind fear and decides to go. I hate this show.

Deacon John preaches wackily to his flock for a little bit, and then he goes in to see Alex, who has been refusing to eat anything. “I'll eat when I'm on the outside!” she seethes. She calls Deacon John “the sickest human being I have ever met” and says what he's doing is “unconscionable.” Deacon John starts hinting around that maybe they'll let her go if she agrees to come be their lawyer. Then he grabs her by the throat and implies he's going to kill her. This whole scene is just filler and it's dumb. Why are the episodes of this show so fucking long?

Outside, where it's nighttime, Walker and Tonto show up and start kicking people's asses. Walker kicks like nine guys' asses in succession, then busts into Alex's room and starts making out with her. “I love you!” he whispers. Then Alex sits up in bed panting, because it was just a sexy dream she was having. OH MY GOD FILLER. TAKE A STORYTELLING CLASS. This episode soooo clearly needed a B story, seriously.

The following day, the Real Walker and Tonto are outside the compound taping a wire to Doofy Guy's chest hairs, which he complains about. Doofy goes inside and confronts Deacon John, who is intensely suspicious. They go inside to talk, but Doofy freaks out when he sees that they're going to make him go through a metal detector. Deacon John rips open Doofy's shirt and finds the wire and yells at him. Outside, Walker and Tonto are pensive.

Deacon John takes Doofy into a room that looks like it should be in a whorehouse, where absolutely everything (walls, sofa, nick nacks, etc.) is royal blue. They ask him some questions and shock him with a taser whenever he answers them. Doofy basically tells them everything about what Walker and Tonto are doing, like, who the hell saw that coming? Doofy promises to “run a doublecross” and trip up Walker and Tonto by lying to them, so Deacon John agrees to let him go. Why does everyone keep trusting Doofy to do what he says he'll do?

Doofy peels out of the compound in his car trying to escape, but Walker and Tonto easily overtake him in their Rangermobile. They pull him out of the car and he snivels incoherently at them. Walker and Tonto jump back into their car and flip a U-y back toward the compound, where Deacon John is hastily climbing into his Jeep, intending to abscond with Alex. Before he can leave, however, a bunch of police cars pull up in front of the compound and some Sherrif's Deputies get out. One of them mutters something about how they have a warrant.

Deacon John leaps out of his car, shouting at all his mulletheads to secure the entrances. He then runs across the compound to one of the watchtowers, climbs up to the top, and starts recklessly firing a machine gun over the fence at the Sherrif's Deputies. Hey, guys, I have an idea! Let's pretend that this is what happened at WACO!

The Deputies duck and cover helplessly as David Koresh blows holes in their windshields, then eventually they start shooting back with regular, non-automatic rifles. A bunch of Koresh's evil henchmen are seen firing automatic weapons also. Nobody fired automatic weapons at WACO, you guys. All they did was hug their children and cry.

Walker pulls up in his big, fat SUV. He has some brief words with one of the Deputies, then grabs a megaphone and informs Deacon John that he's outnumbered and that reinforcements are on the way. Deacon John says he wants them to bring him a helicopter so he can escape to safety, and if they don't do that then within one hour he's going to start executing people, starting with the District Attourney.

54 minutes later, Walker and his colleagues are still trying to figure out what the fuck to do. Up on the watchtower, Deacon John nuzzles Alex and murmurs some lurid sexual remarks into her ear.

Walker gets Deacon John on the walkie talkie and lies to him, claiming they found a helicopter but that it won't be there until the following morning. John is upset about this, but ultimately shuts up and decides to wait. “If this is a scam, she's DEAD,” he grumbles.

Back on the ground, Walker is unveiling a plan which involves TURNING OFF THE FUCKING POWER GRID. Well, no shit, guys.

Yeah, so then they cut to a scene where everything's dark and David Koresh is yelling about the power being out. David's lawyer tells him they should tunnel out of the compound because it's dark and no one can see them. David shoots his lawyer in the head, like, uh. Okay.

Meanwhile, Walker and Tonto are cutting through the fence with with wire-cutters. A guy sees them and tries to shoot them, but Walker shoots him first. Tonto compliments him on his aim. They stalk through the compound, peeking furtively around corners and punching errant watchmen in the face.

In her room, Alex somehow intuitively knows that Walker and Tonto are coming, but before they can arrive and rescue her, David Koresh shows up and starts spouting insane bullshit about how he's sorry he never got a chance to “convert” her, but he's going to have to kill her now. He pushes her down on the bed and starts attacking her, and she flails her arms and screams.

Luckily, at that very moment, Walker busts into the hall outside her door, punches a bunch of guys to hell, and then charges into Alex's room and flattens David Koresh. Then Walker and Alex hug, and it's basically exactly like what happened in the dream she had earlier, except that instead of saying “I love you” when they pull away from each other, Walker tells her that she's a dumb girl and not to ever do anything without his permission ever again. Alex finds this touching, and kisses him.

Annnnnd....that's...the end.

Uh.

Hooray?

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