Thursday, July 09, 2009

CHUCK NORRIS!!!! Month: Lone Wolf McQuade


Whenever anyone says to me "Lone Wolf McQuade" I immedately respond with "FUCK YEAH!" I know, how often are people gonna say "Lone Wolf McQuade" to me but around my circles, it happens quite often. I first seen "Lone Wolf McQuade" (FUCK YEAH!) back in 2008 during B-Fest. This was a last minute substitution when the planned film broke. I was quite happy about this change. I don't remember what the scheduled movie was, but I'm sure this was ten thousand times better.

Here, Chuck Norris is J.J McQuade, a Texas Ranger. A role I guess that prepared him to later become Walker. McQuade is a "lone wolf" cause he doesn't have a partner, he lives alone, hell his house is practically in the middle of nowhere. I'm surprised his office at the station isn't miles away from everyone else.

We find McQuade all covered in dirt, looking at some bad guys taking a shitload of horses somewhere. This made me think of the opening of "Billy Jack" where I had no idea where they were taking the horses then either. Before McQuade can act, some other Texas Rangers show up to stop the bad guys. Since none of them is Chuck Norris, they're immedately captured.

So from 100 feet away and up, McQuade kills a few bad guys and finally comes face to face with the lead bad guy here, who's an over-the-top stereotypical Mexican. McQuade immdately dispatches him by kicking all his teeth out. I'm not even joking.

McQuade makes it back to the station in time to witness the retirement ceremony of his old friend Dakota, who looks like Colonal Sanders. Dakota was something of a mentor to McQuade, so you know his numbers up. Plus he also kinda looks like Sam Elliot, which made me think of "Roadhouse", which also had a mentor show up and thingd didn't work out too good.

The Chieff is pissed at McQuade for being a "lone wolf" and he partners him up with Kayo, a Hispanic Ranger who's probably only 15. Kayo desperately wants to be McQuade's friend/partner, but McQuade isn't having any of that.

We meet McQuade's daughter and ex-wife, but they're still friends cause even she understands that to him it's Job, Kicking Ass, then Woman, in that order. McQuade takes Sally, his daughter, to go horse back riding with Dakota. There, they meet This Movie's Hot Chick Lola, whom McQuade admires from afar. Sally's horse gets spooked and starts to go wild and only Lola can stop it. Of course.

We find out that Lola is "partners" with David Carradine. Yes Fuckin' David Carradine is in this shit! NOW you see why I go "FUCK YEAH" when this movie is mentioned. And of course Carradine is our bad guy so the final showdown is gonna be fucking awesome. Well, anyway, Carradine is a gun smuggler. That's about all you need to know.

Lola eventually falls for the manliness of Chuck Norris and even shows up at his place and starts cleaning his house. Yeah, that's something I been noticing. Every movie with Norris has his character be a total slob. Is Chuck Norris a slob in real life? Or does he seem to be the kind of guy that would be? I guess ass kicking champion=total slob. Hey, I'm sort of a slob, what does that make me?

Eventually, McQuade allows Kayo to be his partner as they go around kicking ass. Sally and her boyfriend are off making out when he spots something illegal going on and as a result he's shot. Sally is then pushed off a cliff in a car. And she only gets away with minor cuts and bruises. Seriously.

McQuade's now pissed and wants to know who's responsible. He decides to ask the Huggy Bear of this movie, named Snow what's up and a big shoot out occurs. They finally snag Snow and all he could say was "INFORMER!! BIDDY BOOM BOOM YEAH!!" They take Snow to Dakota's and he gets the information out of him, which is mainly "Yeah, it's David Carradine." McQuade leaves to go have sex with Lola.

While that was happening, some of Carradine's henchmen show up and kill Snow and Dakota but not Kayo for some reason. See, when Chuck Norris isn't around, bad things happen. McQuade's even more pissed off and cause he interfered with a F.B.I investigation, he's now suspended without pay.

But one of the F.B.I agents, Jackson, says he's not a Token N-Word and doesn't do what he's told. Um, you're the only black person in this movie. Eh, nevermind. Anyway, they somehow know to fly around in the desert for hours until stumbling upon Carradine's base.

They return there that night with the worst acting F.B.I agent ever who immedately gets killed. After another shoot out the most awesome thing happens. McQuade is captured and Carradine throws him into McQuade's suped-up truck, which has a special switch to go a billion miles an hour. I could tell you about it but you need to fucking see this for yourself.



OH. MY. FUCKING. GOD.

I should just stop the review here cause nothing I can say, or anything that happens later, can possibly top that. Man.

But the movie goes on so I should too. McQuade finds out that his daughter has been kidnapped by Carradine and the midget from "Night Court" shows up and tells him where she was taken too. I couldn't figure out "Night Court" dude's role in this movie, he's just kinda there with information. But he's suppose to be a bad guy so whatever.

Turns out everybody is in Mexico and McQuade heads there. And of course there, there are chickens walking around. I so badly wanna go to Mexico to see if they reall have chickens walking around all freely like that. Maybe that's what "Free Range Chicken" really is.

Kayo and Jackson show up and they start hiking through some random hills until they find Carradine's hideout. McQuade instantly finds his daughter and Lola and start busting them out, but Carradine finds them and another huge shootout occurs. With many explosions and Roundhouse kicks.

So now we're at the end. Of course these two have to fight, it's Chuck Norris and David Carradine. You gotta have them fight. That's like bringing Shaq and Michael Jordan to a basketball court and only have them keep score. I'm tempted to find video of the final showdown but this is a movie you need to fucking see so I won't. But you probably already know that Carradine has to lose cause he's the bad guy.

Dude from "Night Court" shows up after Carradine dies and McQuade takes his helicopter while Night Court Dude says he's being stranded there. I guess. I still don't know what his character was about. In fact, I don't even know what his character on "Night Court" was about either. I just know Dan was afraid of him.

Anyway, our heroes fly back to America, McQuade is given some kind of honor, and now he has to rush off to stop a bank robbery. This closes our film so we don't see the ass kicking that I'm sure would've happened at the bank.

God Damn I love this movie. It's pure 80's action Chuck Norris cheese. It's basically your proto-type for any Chuck Norris film that doesn't involve Vietnam. And what set the way for "Walker, Texas Ranger". Speaking of, all next week I will be presenting recaps from different episodes of "Walker" from me and my friends ex-girlfriend-turned-Mass Invader Devon. It's gonna kick so much ass.

-Jason

1 comment:

Wings said...

Gonna head over to Netflix RIGHT NOW. Woohoo!