Sunday, July 12, 2009

CHUCK NORRIS!!!! Month: Walker, Texas Ranger: Episode 1

I figure if I'm gonna be doing all things Chuck Norris, I might as well do one of his most famous bodies of work: Episodes of "Walker, Texas Ranger", the CBS show that ran for 8 years. Yes, 8 years of Chuck Norris beating up bad guys every week. I'm as surprised as you are.

Hell, it seemed like the writers were surprised too. The first episode is an hour and a half long and has a million stories going on, it's like "Well, we have all these neat ideas for Walker, but what if the show doesn't get picked up? We'll just put them all in the first episode.

Well, here's what you need to know before getting into the episode and any episode that's gonna be covered this week. Chuck Norris is Cordell "Cord" Walker, Texas Ranger. He lives with his Indian Uncle Ray. Walker is half Indian. Walker actually discusses his bloodline in this episode which I'll get to later cause it's crutial to one of the stories.

Walker also has a friend named C.D who use to be a ranger, now he runs a bar, which serves as our hang out spot when Walker isn't home or at the office. C.D is the one that gets Walker in comical situations.

Texas Rangers, especially Walker, don't play by the rules. There, I think I covered the main stuff. Some other info will pop up later in this episode.

This episode is titled "One Riot, One Ranger" and it actually is said at one point. Just to get it out of the way now, supposedly it's the motto for the Texas Rangers but I have no idea what that means so I have my doubts.

When the episode starts, there's action already happening. In fact we missed something. Some dude is shot on the ground, a truck is on fire, and some other dude is holding shot dude. There are four guys with guns taking money from the truck on fire and talking about going to Mexico.

The credits roll and we clearly see a non-bearded white guy driving through them. I wonder who he is. It's not Chuck Norris. He has a beard. And is only half white. Oh well. The credits end and we find Non-Chuck Norris in Mexico. He stops at a bar where the four robbers are celebrating when the doors open and...Chuck Norris is standing there.

The fuck? Was the white dude DRIVING Walker there? It's CLEARLY a white dude driving. Oh well. Anyway, Walker steps into the bar and tells the robbers they're under arrest. The robbers laugh this off cause they're in Mexico and Walker doesn't have jurisdiction there. Clearly, they never seen a Chuck Norris movie. He's like The Goddamn Batman, he has no jurisdiction.



Walker fights them, which knocks them out and he drags them back to Texas. Now that we got the exposition stuff out of the way, onto our story. There's a bank robbery (another robbery? Does each episode have a theme to it's crime? Next week: kidnapping!) and there's clearly a fake blind guy in the crowd. I say it's clear cause the fake beard he has on isn't that convincing. The robbers steal the money but take too long. At one point a teller set off the silent alarm and the only Ranger to answer is this young guy named Mogley who is Walker's best buddy. You just know he's gonna live a full long life.

Mogley arrives at the bank as the robbers are leaving and Mogley shoots one, but the fake blind dude walks out and shoots Mogley. Aw dang. He was gonna propose to his girlfriend too. So now that Walker heard about his friend's death, he's taking this case personally!

Onto plot 2! This chick who isn't given a name asks Walker if he can take in some circus performers. I know, probably the most random thing to ask somebody. I should ask someone I work with if they'll take in some circus performers and see how that goes.

Well, the reason for this is a young female trapeeze artist was raped by some hicks and they keep bugging her cause she's...female? A trapeeze artist? She's clearly not speaking in any weird accent so I don't know what their problem is with her but they want her to leave the state. No-Name Gal wants to arrest the rapists but they got away the first time somehow. Yeah, this doesn't make sense now that I'm typing it all out. I guess No-Name Gal knew they would try again. Oops, I ruined the surprise.

Story three involves Walker's new partner, named Trivette. From what I can tell he's a major character throughout the series so this was his introduction to the show. He's this atheletic black dude who use to play football but he threw his shoulder out so he joined law enforcement cause that's what Shaq does. Now he's a Texas Ranger. And Walker's new partner.

For some reason, Walker finds Trivette weird even though he's just a typical skinny black dude. Everybody in this episode/show has some weird underlying issues that are never dealt with.



Walker returns home to find the circus performers there and Trapeeze Artist Chick is quiet. Walker realizes she's hurt from being raped and decides to cheer her up...by talking about his his parents was BRUTALLY MURDERED WHEN HE WAS 12! Holy crap, maybe Walker is The Goddamn Batman!

So his parents were murdered cause his dad was full blooded Cherokee and his mom was full blooded white. They had Cordell and things were good until they went to a carnival one night and Walker had fun until it was time to go. Then some typical racists came up and gave Papa Walker some shit and since he fathered Chuck Norris, he's an even bigger bad ass and tried to kick some ass. But it didn't work so well and he was stabbed. Then they cut open Mama Walker's stomach and she died.

Believe it or not this opens up Trapeeze Artist and she starts crying and somehow feels better. So next time your life sucks remember, Walker's parents died. Feel better now?

Our main villian this week is some Bruce Campbell wanna be who is planning the perfect heist. He's interviewing wackos for the job and need explosives. He talks to one guy named Colt, who's a bit off. Fake Bruce isn't too happy with Colt and beats him up and look for another guy, who makes bombs that look like giant flies. I'm serious.

Walker and Trivette manage to track down Colt and it's discovered that Colt and Trivette have a history together. No, not like that, regardless of what that last picture says. Colt is afraid of Trivette for some reason and squeals like a canary...or something.

When they're not working, Walker keeps asking Trivette all these annoying questions about his life like why be a ranger and why drink juice and why wear glasses and ugh shut up and kick some ass!

Thankfully, the rapists show up at Walker's place and is about to do their thing when Walker returns home and takes care of them. It's a great scene actually and kinda funny. He breaks one dude's nose, then fixes it, then says "Nah it looked better before" and RE-BREAKS it! Oh wow!!

With the closure of one storyline brings in another. C.D told somebody that Walker will ride a bull for chariaty but without Walker's permission. Walker is like "WHAT? Oh you wacky best friend you!" and happy music plays.

Back to our bad guy, his plan is to knock over four banks at the same time. Who's this dude, Danny Ocean? Actually, it's almost like "Ocean's 11", with a billion people involved and all of them having a part in the robbery. The robbery itself is a bit involved so I'll have to break it down.

1. They send a fly bomb to a totally different bank nowhere near their bank. When this fly bomb goes off, all the cops think that bank is being robbed, even though blown up shit and robberies are two different things.
2. One team goes into one bank dressed like ambulance drives.
3. Another team goes into another bank dressed like Mexicans driving a lunch truck.
4. A guy drives a truck full of gas, which he blows up with a bomb, maybe a fly bomb. I thought since all the gas was being spilled all over the road, the entire city was gonna blow up but only the truck did. This seemed pointless.

Of course, since Walker is there, only 1 thing went right and that was the truck full of gas part. Walker either shot or kicked all the robbers save for Fake Bruce Ocean, who he ran after for 10 seconds, then handed his ass to him. I forget this was made for TV so they couldn't have a big 20 minute fight scene. With Bruce Ocean in jail, it's time to solve the final plot: bull riding!

Hilariously, it's obvious Chuck Norris is riding some plastic things on a studio somewhere and not on a bull. They might as well has the stunt double on the bull be a 3 foot tall overweight ballerina.

Well this was just the first episode. Next episode I'm gonna take a look at will be somewhere in the middle of the series. And Devon is gonna have some recaps of some episodes too. So stay tuned for that all week long.
-Jason

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