Wednesday, July 15, 2009

CHUCK NORRIS!!!! Month: Walker, Texas Ranger: The Convenant

When I decided to do episodes of "Walker, Texas Ranger" I didn't read up on any of the episodes. I planned on doing the first episode and the one coming up tomorrow with Haley Joel Osmet, but anything else was pretty much just at random. So I popped in Season 3 disc 3 and picked the episode "The Convenet", thinking Chuck Norris has to save, or better yet fight, some nun's. Turns out I was way off.

I need to watch more episodes to see if this is true but I'm getting the feeling the more the show went on, the more Chuck Norris wanted to send a message. Sort of like an ass kicking version of "Degrassi". (By the way you have to read those recaps from Albert, they're hilarious. After this review of course.) This episode that I watched dealt with kids and gangs. This show mainly came on in the 90's and all the hot button topics back then was kids, drugs, and gangs. And acid rain. I look forward to the episode where Walker threatens to roundhouse kick acid rain.

First off, why the fuck didn't anyone tell me Chuck Norris HIMSELF sings the goddamn theme song??? I mean...he sings????

I love those lyrics. "When you're in Texas look behind you, cause that's where the rangers will be." I'm sure Bruno will be happy to hear about that.

The start of the episode reveals that it's Christmas cause when I think Christmas, I think Mexican gangs in Texas! Our gang, the Los Locos, are walking around and they walk into C.D's bar. Typically, the actor playing C.D changed since the pilot episode. This C.D isn't as heavy and the whole "I usta be a ranger" is downplayed a bit.

This C.D is more like a jolly grandfather. The Locos show up and pretty much exhort him for protection money. But like any Texan grandfather, he pulls out a shotgun on the gang and they quickly leave. I'm surprise this gang can extort anyone in Texas, doesn't everyone down there carry guns?

C.D then goes out to this truck to get more Christmas decorations when the Locos spot him and immedately run him over with their car. At this point Walker and Trivette, still played by the same guy, find C.D passed out in the street. Walker stands up, squints into the camera and shakes his head. NOW it's personal.

For the record, C.D is ok, he's just banged up and he's complaining about being in the hospital. Oh C.D you jolly old man you. Through a bunch of exposition dialouge, it's revealed that Walker teaches karate and we join him in class. I can't make fun of this part cause Chuck Norris won awards for karate and stuff and having Chuck Norris teaching you karate is like having Michael Phelps teaching you how to swim.

There's one part that hits the point of the episode home. Walker calls up a little kid and asks him where his green belt is. The kid tells us that his little brother got killed in a drive by and he put his belt in the coffin so he'll take it to heaven with him. This of course works and Walker gives him a new belt. Wow. Lesson learned, kids: if you forget your homework, say your little brother got shot and you put it in the coffin so he can do math homework in heaven.

I'm going to hell for that. See you there cause you're totally laughing at that.

This touches Walker so deeply that he has to stop class to stand out in the hallway and look pensive. We now meet another student of Walker's name Tommy. He has an old brother named Ernesto who's a manager at a car shop. Ernesto use to be in the Locos gang but he broke out.

Tommy goes to the garage and Ernesto immedately puts him to work cause managing little kids is what got him the job. While doing something, The Locos pull up and the leader, Sonny, steps out and wants to recruit Tommy. The typical "Leave my little brother alone, you got me you not getting him" thing happens and we know something's bad gonna happen cause Tommy is looking forward to putting up the Christmas tree with Ernesto later that night.

Oh yeah, it's Christmas. This hardly factors into everything so why they saved this for the Christmas episode is beyond me.

Ernesto and Tommy come home with the tree and their Mom is happy to see them. Oh boy. Soon a darkened car comes by, someone shouts something, and bullets go flying. Ernesto is shot but somehow Tommy isn't. In a scene that reminded me of the Nick Cage "The Wicker Man", Tommy helpfully shouts out "THEY SHOT MY BROTHER!" Yeah yeah and the bees are in your eyes. Thanks, we kinda figured.

We then see the Loco's shoot up their rival gang The Gang In Red. I forgot their name, sorry. But since we're knee deep in Mexican's we gotta bring in anything and everything Hispanic. The mom is praying with a priest. The Mom works in a tortilla factory. Walker brings in a Hispanic Ranger whom I'm sure was never mentioned before and vanished after this episode. Surprised no one had the La Cucaracha car horn.

Ernesto is in critical condition and only time will tell and it's in God's hands and stuff. Tommy is pissed and wants to do something. Thankfully, here comes Sonny and the Loco's (That needs to be a band name, NOW!) saying that The Gang in Red shot Ernesto and if he joins them, he can get revenge. This is all Tommy needed to hear. NO! TOMMY!

Walker tries to arrest Sonny but they can't hold him on anything without evidence. Walker then talks to The Gang in Red and since he and that gang leader are tight somehow, he makes them promise not to retaliate until Walker says so. Ok.

Tommy is now in the gang and he's avoiding Walker, who just wants to tell him that Ernesto survived and he's gonna be ok cause when you're shot 100 times you simply get over it. Sonny is getting his gang all riled up to start a gang war with The Gang in Red and I swear to god he says this line of dialouge:

"What's the word, mockingbird?"

Is this a tough Mexican gang leader or a 87-year-old Grandma?

One gang member remembers that it's Christmas and would rather be at home opening gifts than shooting people but Sonny promises to be the new Messiah. Honestly, I couldn't make this up if I tried.

So now Walker has to stop a gang war and save a kid or two from a gang. How does he do it? By roundhouse kicking of course! He challenges Sonny to a fight and of course Walker hands his ass to him. The truth about who shot Ernesto is revealed and the gang look at Sonny like "Dude, not cool" and more or less throw him under the bus.

So Tommy is saved and now he's a green belt. I don't get the colors of belts in karate. I know white is beginner and black is master. But what's in between? And how many? And what order? Anyone here take karate classes?

Yep we get our sugar coated ending and the day is saved thanks to Walker kicking some ass. The way it should be.

Coming up tomorrow: Another Special Episode of Walker, with Haley Joel Osmet.

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