Friday, July 31, 2009

CHUCK NORRIS!!!! Month: Invasion, USA

To bring CHUCK NORRIS!!!! Month to a close, one of my favorite bloggers, the Reel Whore, sent in his review of the classically cheesy Chuck Norris Opus, Invasion U.S.A. Much thanks to him and Devon for participating in this month and I'll definately be doing it again next year.


How could I not contribute a guest post for this iconic 80's action movie? During the height of the 80's, CHUCK NORRIS!!!! leapt onto the big screen with Invasion U.S.A. I call this iconic because it has five hallmarks of what makes 80's action so great. First, it's from Cannon Films, a true mark of 80's quality; producers Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus knew how to turn quick cash into a big bang. The story, penned by CHUCK NORRIS!!!! along with brother Aaron Norris and James Bruner, centers around Russian terrorist Rostov (Richard Lynch). The film creeps along at times and isn't always coherent, but it goes something like this:

Rostov ships in hundreds of highly-skilled international terrorists to Florida and sets them loose to terrorize Americans during the Christmas season. Before his crew can open up a can of terrorist whoop-ass, he needs to buy weapons from a shifty drug dealer. This brings us to the second mark of 80's quality: Mickey the drug dealer is portrayed by none other than Billy F'n Drago! Granted, Rostov goes all Dark Knight Joker on Mickey's bitch and promptly removes Drago from play, but his role is key to illustrate to audiences that Rostov is nobody's bitch.

Except it turns out that Rostov was totally owned by Matt Hunter years prior, and he still has nightmares about taking the CHUCK NORRIS!!!! foot of fury in the fucking face. Determined to not suffer a repeat beating, Rostov and company hunt down Hunter at his ancestral shanty in the Florida Everglades. This leads us to our third mark of quality: explosions. Unlike current films, the 80's didn't waste any time in blowing shit up. Rundown houses - Kaboom! A parking lot of boxy hooptys - BWOOSH! Churches - BLAM-O! Rostov's attempted assassination of the peaceful, retired Hunter only accomplishes one thing; to piss Hunter off by killing his beloved armadillo. Sure, his swamp rat neighbor John Eagle (Dehl Berti) dies too, but CHUCK NORRIS!!!! really loved that armadillo. Hunter reconsiders the Feds' offer and jumps in his big-A truck to quell some Russian-led aggression. VROOM!

Thinking Hunter dead, Rostov rains terror down on us innocent Americans. A quiet, suburban subdivision? Blow this motherfucker up! Meanwhile, Hunter shakes down Rostov's goon and somehow provokes the ire of two bar thugs. This next moment leads to the fourth mark of quality: awesomely cheesy lines! CHUCK NORRIS!!!!, annoyed by the intrusion of thug #1, tosses him aside and pointing a forewarning finger, calmly utters, "If you come back in here I'm gonna hit you with so many rights you're gonna beg for a left." Boo-yah, baby! That's what I'm talking about. You really should replay this scene several times to revel in its glory. After this, Hunter's dialogue is reduced to a combination of the words "Rostov," "time" and "die."

Our fifth 80's hallmark, Eddie Jones, plays Detective Cassidy whose sole purpose is to express to the cops, the press and the audience that the U.S.A. isn't prepared for this sort of terrorist insurgence and they can't really do a damn thing to make people safe. As he sputters on, Rostov sends more terrorists to blow up a shopping mall. The terrorist drops off the gift-wrapped package and briskly walks away. A good-natured American hears the loud beeping, and assuming the individual left his newfangled alarm clock behind, proceeds to chase him through the mall. As the terrorists' covers are guessed it. VROOM! Hunter crashes through the mall, taking down terrorists (and possibly bystanders). Jason Statham ain't got nothin' on CHUCK NORRIS!!!!

From here out Invasion U.S.A. goes all Pert on us; Terrorists, CHUCK NORRIS!!!!, repeat. By far the best of the bunch is the school-bus bomb. Terrorists roll up alongside a school bus in their hoopty, strap a bomb to the side, then speed off. Wait for it...VROOM! Hunter appears, snatches the bomb, double VROOM!, straps said bomb to the terrorists' hoopty and BOOM! An amazing feat, considering this sixty-second bomb appeared to have a ninety-second timer. Gotta love the 80's.

After some more terrorism and Hunter muttering something about time and dying and Rostov, Hunter lures Rostov into a trap. We quickly see Rostov get owned by a CHUCK NORRIS!!!! foot of fury to the fucking face maneuver. Shaken, Rostov grabs a rocket launcher and starts skulking around. Unfortunately, Hunter is wise to this douchebag's game and has his own rocket launcher ready to go. CHUCK NORRIS!!!! then calmly utters "It's Time." Before Rostov can get a bead on him, CHUCK NORRIS!!!! sidearms his weapon, sending lovely showers of Rostov blood and limbs out the fucking window. There really is a spray of blood and a boot flying through the air! Watch closely.

The best part; in an amazing feat of skill, he managed to kill the bad guy without incinerating the decorative curtains framing the window.

That's classy.
That's the 80's.

1 comment:

Dr. Strangelove said...

You just got to love this movie! Did anyone else notice that in the landing scene the terrorists shouted orders in German? Yes, that's right, neonazis allied with Russkie communists wanted to avenge the death of A. Hitler to the decadent Americans. How do I know they were neo-nazis and not communist East Germans? Easy; East Germans were not that stupid...

However, you also got to admire the fighting spirit of the terrorists. Facing a situation which would have probably made the most hard core SS units or fanatic Imperial Japanese soldiers to surrender, these guys decide to fight until most of them are dead just for our entertainment.

There's also a weapon handling lesson: watch the National Guardsman who fires his M60 from the hip despite plenty of available support. He ends up dead. You just shouldn't fire your LMG from the hip, unless you're CHUCK NORRIS!!!, of course.