Wednesday, July 01, 2009

One of These Nights...Of Terror

Over at Final Girl, Young Fair Maiden Stacie has picked for this month's Film Club offering to be "Nights of Terror" or "The Nights of Terror" or "Burial Ground: Nights of Terror" or "M. Night Shamalyan's Burial Ground: The Nights of Terror". Prior to her picking this title, I had this movie simmering in my Netflix Queue for some time. I saw a review of this movie over at Miko Macabre's site (Damn she's hot) and the sheer WTF-ness made me have to see this movie.

So thanks to Stacie for giving me an excuse to finally do so.

There's not a whole lot to write about cause 85% of the movie is just zombies shuffling around and then eating people. But the other 15% is filled with sheer madness that I must find a way to write about this movie.

It starts off with your typical "bunch of people go to some big ass house full of stuff, including DEAD PEOPLE!" and they proceed to fuck. Not like in a big orgy or anything but everybody is a couple and all of them start fucking. The house belongs to some professor guy who looks like Jesus if he joined up with ZZ Top. The professor guy, the previous night (of non-terror) was simply moving rocks around in the dirt when the zombies simply sit up and attack him. ZZ Jesus tries to stop them by shouting out "I'm your friend!" Of course this doesn't work.

So after the fucking, everyone splits up and...proceed to try to fuck again. With the exception of the lady with the kid, Michael.

Oh ZZ Jesus, I forgot about Michael. Clearly, the person playing Michael is an adult who's height is a bit stunted. He's not exactly a midget, but he's rather small for his age. So the people who made this movie casted this dude to play a 12-year-old boy. Why? I'll get to that in a minute.

But this casting choice is creepy as hell cause this dude has a huge head on a skinny body. And he's going around calling this lady Mama and she treats him like a kid.

So anyway, everyone is around trying to fuck some more, except Mama, Michael, and dude Mama fucked the night before. They're in some pottery making place shooting a gun. Soon enough the zombies make their presence known and start attacking. Slowly. And boy do I mean SLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWLY.

And for some reason, foreign films in the '70's liked having bear traps around. A chick gets her leg trapped in one and they spend 10 MINUTES getting her out of it. Mama and her group also get attacked and the zombies kill the dude, leaving Michael and Mama to run for their lives.

After the bear trap, they go to their cars but simply find the zombies standing 10 feet from ONE car. Realizing that's FAR too risky, they go inside. Where they board up the doors and windows and now they're safe right?

Nope. This movie turned the zombie movie genre on it's head and had these zombies know how to work tools! They use axes and machetes to break down the door. They even climb the fucking walls. Maybe this is what inspired that Radiohead song.

Slowly (yes, I still mean SLOWLY) everyone gets killed by the zombies. One chick gets killed by simply having her hair pulled. The maid gets a pretty cool kill by somehow having her hand nailed to the wall and a zombie slowly pulling sickle down on her, beheading her. Then for some reason, a dude comes and throws the rest of her body down to the zombies. I think he's secretly working for the zombies or something.

Ok so weird ass moment #1. Mama and Michael are tired of running around the house, killing zombies. They go off into the hallway and they hug each other. Soon, they start kissing. It's a light peck here and there, but Michael plants one right on his own mother! Then he starts grabbing her boobs! Then starts sliding his hand up her skirt! And then starts asking to suck on her boob!

Now I see why they hired a creepy adult to play a 12-year-old. I mean, they could just NOT have this scene but dammit, this story demands a 12-year-old get horny by his mom! Mama rejects Michael and he runs away, no doubtedly to find a place to jerk off for a few minutes.

Instead, he finds the chick who died by having her hair pulled out and she starts coming to life. Since Michael just felt up his own mother, he's not too smart and doesn't run. As a result, Michael is killed. Mama finds Hair Chick munching on some body part of the kids (Considering, I rather not know which part), which freaks Mama out.

Soon, one of the guys gets this brilliant idea: "Hey, maybe they're after something in the house. Let's let them in and see what it is!" Um, dude, this isn't Weekend at Bernies 2, ok? But they go with this stupid plan and let all the zombies into the house. Once that happens, the survivors leave.

So they go to their cars and drive away now, right? Well, no. This concept is beyond our little crew here. Instead they go running around some woods until they find a monestary that looks as if it hasn't been used in about a million years. So they think someone is home. They do find some monks but their UNDEAD MONKS! GASP! The Monks take the dude that was working with the zombies earlier and the remaining people (A dude, his wife, and Mama) run away... some place RIGHT next door. They lock themselves in this room but sure enough the zombies show up. And they get another visitor: Michael! Mama is happy to see him and weird moment #2 and 3 happen simultaniously.

Mama takes off her top and offers her boob to Michael, who then starts to suck on it.
(I'm offically on some FBI Watch List for typing this, aren't I?) But then Michael gets a bit greedy and decides to take the whole boob. Off. Of her chest. With his teeth.

And with that, I hear women reading this (all 2 of you) going "Ouch". Now you know what it's like for us guys to watch a guy get kicked in the nuts.

So with that out of the way, the remaining couple get overtaken by zombies and simply get eaten. And that's it. The end. We find out that the ORGINAL title was "The Nighth of Terror" but was deemed too stupid, so they went with 900 other titles.

I don't know what to say. This wasn't anything special, minus the smart tool-using zombies. The incest scenes were a bit weird. This movie is just ok. It's definately worth a watch if you like zombie movies and/or Italian movies. It'd probably be best to watch this with friends and riff the hell out of it, cause these are some of the dumbest characters ever put to film.
And I've watched Vin Diesel movies.


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