Monday, October 05, 2009

Reasons Not To Have Kids #1: Cathy's Curse

Before I begin, I must admit that I learned of this movie through the mucho awesome Final Girl. Her review made me want to see this bad boy (or in this case girl) for myself and I must tell you I was not dissapointed. I was horrified and laughing hysterically but not dissapointed. I couldn't think of a better movie to kick off RNTHK! (Initials are big these days. Thanks for reading IofBM!)

We learn through title cards that sometime in the 50's some lady we never see randomly took her son George and left her husband and daughter behind. The husband, sporting an awesome fake mustache, runs home and finds the daughter home alone. He simply declares "the bitch must pay for what she's done to you!" and leaves the house with daughter in tow. I dunno where they're going but ok.

While driving, the daughter sees a white rabbit and pulls on the steering wheel so Daddy Fake 'stache doesn't run over it. This causes the car to fly off the road and then somehow a fire starts UNDERNEATH the car and father and daughter roast alive. Ok then.

Flash forward to the FUTURE! George is now grown up and is married to Vivian and they have a daughter, Cathy. They all arrive at George's childhood home and from this point on it turns into your typical "house haunts innocent family while possessing child" movie.

Cathy roams around in the attic and finds this doll, which everyone in the movie simply calls a rag. I guess they meant rag doll? Simply calling it a rag makes it look like they're fighting over a towel, which I must admit would make a compelling movie. "There's only one...TOWEL!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

Cathy finds this rag near this super creepy ass picture of the daughter from the beginning of the movie. I'm putting the picture as a link cause I don't wanna keep seeing this picture everytime I come to the blog.

The friggin craziness of this movie starts when Cathy is playing with some neighborhood kids and she suggests they play "Accident". Man, kids in the '70's sure loved accidents! Cathy more or less directs this weird little elementary school play on how Fake 'stache dude and his daughter died. While that's happening, Vivian is entertaining some ladies and one of them is Agatha, a medium. From here she looks like a large to me. ZING!!

Anyway, Agatha grabs a picture of 'stache dude and suddenly starts talking in voices and uses the word "bitch" roughly a thousand times. I should tell you that this movie's catchphrase is "bitch" or some word in front of or after the word "bitch". Some examples are coming up.

Back outside, Cathy pretty much randomly pokes a stick into this girls eye and the kids wanna leave. Can't say I blame them. Later that night, this dog that suddenly the family has starts barking it's head off. Mainly at Cathy's direction. This is why I wanna get a dog. When it starts barking for no reason, you'll find me nailing my door shut and stocking up on booze, pizza, and shotguns. I'll give you guys at least a half hour to get here if you wanna hide out with me when the eventual apocalypse arrives.

So it's pretty obvious that Cathy is possessed and she does some really weird shit. She goes to breakfast and simply throws a bowl. This housekeeper lady simply goes "It's alright, Cathy, it was an accident." Then my favorite thing ever happens when the lady bends down, picks up two pieces, and declares "There, I'm done" while there's obviously 10 thousand other pieces on the ground.

Later, the lady finds the "rag" and Cathy throws a fit. Cathy grabs the doll, simply waves it in front of the lady and the lady falls out the window. In front of Vivian as she was coming home. Did I mention Vivian has a history of nervous breakdowns? So yeah, this is what she needed to see. Pretty much 99% of the people that arrived on the scene (cops, detectives, David Caruso, that NCIS guy) agree that Cathy did it. The only one who thinks she didn't: George. Of course.

With this lady dead, the next person to care for Cathy is Paul, the handy man that either lives next door or down the road, depending on which scene of the movie you're watching. Paul is watching Cathy cause Vivian has gone Coocoo for Rice Krispies (is that right?) and was committed into a hospital. Cathy, for whatever reason, is getting Paul drunk and this is when Agatha shows up.

Cathy and Paul start calling Agatha a "fat cow bitch". Pretty much over and over agin. Agatha starts crying and runs out of the house, and back to her house to put on her Dashboard Confessional album and start playing with her knife. It feels so good when the blade touches the skin...


Paul is still getting drunk and Cathy just stares at him and suddenly there are rats, snakes, and spiders crawling all over Paul, while Paul just sits there. Cathy says something like "don't you like that, Paul?" and end scene. Ok then. Again.

The next day they find the dog dead and Paul is upset cause I guess it was really his dog? I dunno. I did learn the dog's name was Sneakers, which is a weird name for a German Shepard. George thinks the obvious knife wounds is poison. I think George isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Agatha wants to tell Vivian that Cathy is nucking futs and arrives at the house again. Cathy somehow disguises her voice to trick Agatha into the attic, where all kinds of weird shit happens. I will admit this was one of the freakier scenes in this movie. Cathy continues to call Agatha a fat cow bitch. The "rag" stands on it's own. The picture of the dead daughter starts glowing in the eyes. Some weird demonic version of Agatha shows up and tells her to leave. Agatha goes "Dahhhh...ok!" runs out of the house and vanishes from the movie. Oh well. Patricia Arquette is my medium!

Vivian returns home but the home keeps shutting the doors and windows that she'd never be able to reach normally anyway in her face. George finds her passed out on the lawn and at this point I would've been like "Hmmm...things were ok when we lived in our previous house. Maybe something's up with this place." Instead George pumps Vivian with a shitload of tranquilizers and yells at her for not loving Cathy.

Now Paul has to watch Vivian and Cathy. I hope this guy asked for a raise at some point. He checks in on Vivian and she somehow knows if the "rag" is burned, everything will be better. Paul attempts to do this and gets his face ripped off somehow, so it's up to Vivian.

George rushes home after calling and no one picking up and probably laughed his ass off at a grown woman fighting a little girl over a doll. Vivian eventually gets possession (get it, "POSSESSION"! I'm a clever wordsmith) of the doll and...rips out an eye. A demonic scream is heard and suddenly Cathy is no longer possessed. Um...what happened to burning it? Oh well, whatever. Somehow George and Vivian are ok with everything that just happened and they're a happy family again.


Yeah they probably are.

My god this movie. I'm gonna have to go with a middle of the road rating with this cause it was horrible but a good kind of horrible. Everything was screaming "THIS WAS MADE ON THE CHEAP!" from the opening title cards to the cheap film stock this film was on. The acting was subpar at best and George reminded me of Peter Saarsgaard or however you spell his name. And what's worse is we never did learn why she doesn't eat breakfast.



Wings said...

Okay, first off: THANK YOU for that review. I was laughing my ass off reading it.

This is how to review a movie like this.

Now, though, I am unsure whether I want to see the real thing, or just remember it through your wickedly warped viewpoint. Hmmm...

Stacie Ponder said...

I'm SO GLAD I got you to see this movie. It definitely falls squarely in the good-bad camp, and reading YOUR review has me wanting to see it again.

"There, I'm done!" has got to be the highlight of the film.

Anonymous said...

Another gang stalking made up blog by gq the guy without a job or a life