Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Reasons Not To Have Kids #9: The Children

This movie pretty much sums up ALL the reasons why to have kids. If I knew that going it, I would've saved it for the end. But I think I found a good candidate for the final movie of this blog-a-thon. Anyway, this movie was put out under "Ghost House Underground" which is basically Sam Rami going "Hey, I wanna do 8 Films To Die For". Other than that, he has absolutely nothing to do with this movie, despite the claim on the DVD cover stating "FROM THE MAKER OF THE EVIL DEAD TRILOGY!".

Much to my dismay, this movie is from Great Britian. I say that because anytime I watch a British movie I can't get the accents out of my head for at least an hour after the movie ends and when I write the review that accent narrates what I'm typing and it makes me write all out of whack of the sort. Golly, it's happening now. Bumbershoot.

Family A is visiting Family B for Christmas. All I have are first names and no last names so bear with me. And the only names I do have are two of the children's names and the hot teenage daughter's name. There's a huge error or something to that effect with the names later so I'm all sorts of confused. The loo.

The hot teenage daughter's name is Casey and she'd rather be partying with her friends than spend Christmas Eve with her boring parents, realitives, and annoying children. One of the kids, named Pauly, is sick and doesn't look too good. Nevermind that, he goes off to play with the other children, pretty much contaminating them. Oh look, Swine Flu: The Movie.

Pretty soon other children start getting sick and just pretty much stand there while staring blankly. No one seems to notice this. Well, Casey kinda notices but she'd rather get wasted or whatever it is teenagers do nowadays. I remember when I was a teenager I'd lock myself in my room, put on The Smashing Pumpkins, play Sonic the Hedgehog, and then watch Star Wars in between episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000. You guys did all that as teenagers too, right? Right?

It's Christmas Morning and the kids are outside playing. The kids reign of terror starts off as slight annoyances when Asshole Dad finds someone drew all over his folders and pictures of people who've taken Chinese medicine. But things get tragic soon when the kids push Cool Pot Smoking Dad (And Possibly Wants To Bone His Neice Casey) down the hill on a sled and another kid puts some wagon with some sharp pointy objects sticking out and when the two meet, wackyness ensues. And by wackyness I mean terror.

Cool Dad's Wife freaks out and loses her mind for the rest of the movie. The kids laugh and run off into the woods. Casey blames herself cause she was suppose to be watching the kids with Cool Dad (or at least let him paw at her). When Casey's Mom goes outside, she finds Cool Dad's body is gone and is drawn to the monkey bars where Pauly is, who by the way has offically lost his little fucking mind. He gets Casey's Mom to break her leg and he drags her into the nearby greenhouse to hoe that ho (Ha ha ha) but Casey comes in and a confusing jump cut struggle ensues where Casey ends up pushing Pauly onto a piece of glass poking out and killing him. When Asshole Dad and Crazy Mom comes in, they think Casey and her mom did it for no reason. Cause, you know, murdering children for no reason on CHRISTMAS DAY sounds like a good idea.

Instead of asking Casey and her Mom what happened, Asshole Dad passes judgement and thinks they're murderers. Here's where the names get confusing. One of the little girls is named Leigh. In one scene they clearly say "Leigh is upstairs" with Asshole Dad and she is. Then in the next scene when they're outside, Crazy Mom shouts out "LEIGH!!!!" and another little girl responds. WTF?? Which one's Leigh? Are they both Leigh?

Anyway, Leigh 2 and her brother (Crazy Mom's kids) comfort her cause Crazy Mom still thinks it was Casey for some reason killing kids for no reason. But Leigh 2 and Brother prove her wrong by pulling out her ear ring through her ear and then stabbing her in the eye with a pencil.

By the way, this editor must've gotten paid per cuts cause there's three scenes going on at the same time and we get 2 second jump cuts of each scene happening. Dammit, I rented this movie to see little kids kill adults, not fancy jump cuts. Grr.

Casey finds Leigh 1 sitting there with the crazy look in her eye so Casey goes to choke her. Asshole Dad discovers this and locks Casey in the room and takes off with Leigh 1 in the car. I should mention Asshole Dad is married to Casey's Mom, who he also abandoned. Nice job asshole.

There's a ten minute scene of Casey clawing at the door and Mom not doing anything. Soon, the two remaining kids (Leigh 2 and her brother) find their way into the house. Mom finally decides to open the door for Casey but the kids show up. They EVER SO FUCKING SLOWLY (I believe in tension but god damn this was slow) make their way to Mom until Casey FINALLY breaks down the door and slams Brother's head through the broken wooden pieces of the door, killing him. She's about to kill Leigh 2 when Mom stops her. They decide to get the fuck out.

While driving away, they spot Asshole Dad's car slammed against a tree. Casey checks it out and finds no one in the car. She finds Asshole Dad buried in snow, very much still alive. Something I noticed about the kids in this movie. They don't really kill the adults, just hurt them enough so they really die from bleeding too much. Whatever.

Casey and Mom then discover like 20 other random kids that we never met just standing around, looking all evil. Mom freaks out and is about to drive away when Casey runs to the car and gets in quickly. They drive away and the movie ends with Casey having that same far away look as the other kids did.....

Soo...who the fuck were those other kids and how did they get "sick" so fast? Did the kids find the other kids, cough on them, then run away? And yes, it's not explained why this is happening. I suppose that Chinese Medicine thing from earlier was a clue but it's never outright said.

For a direct to DVD release under Sam Raimi's new "OTHER 8 Films Whatever" line, this movie isn't bad. It keeps you wanting more, which the movie kinda delievers. You don't actually see the kids doing most of the stuff cause of the fucking editor (enjoy your yacht asshole) but it was pretty suspenseful. I really have no idea how old the chick playing Casey was. I hope she's at least legal enough for me to go HOLY FUCK SHE'S HOT! AND YOU CAN SEE DOWN HER SHIRT IN ONE SHOT!!! (Pleasebe18pleasebe18....YES! She's 22!!).


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