Thursday, October 08, 2009

Reasons Not To Have Kids #3: The Baby

When I was in L.A a few weeks ago (sigh, how I miss it...) my friend Adam took me to what is probably the coolest and biggest record shop in the world called Amoeba Records. They have every type of music you can possible look for on every format imaginable. Yes, even 8-Track! What made this place super special was the second floor which was NOTHING. BUT. MOVIES!! I had to ask if I died and went to heaven.

While there roaming around and trying not to orgasm, I found several DVD's that I wanted for a pretty reasonable price. Then I found one that was labeled rare, out of print, and hard to find. Me being me, I had to go for that. I can't pass up an opportunity to own a rare out of print film, at least on DVD. That movie is "The Baby" and it served as the inspiration for this blog-a-thon.

Reading the back, I thought it was like "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" with a super creepy family who murders and they have a creepy baby that's really a grown man who helps with the killing. Turns out I was wrong. I'm kinda bummed out cause this movie doesn't really fit in with what I was going for with this blog-a-thon. I could justify it by saying it does feature a kid and the kid was the reason why everything happened but, y'know, it's not the same.

Ann is a social worker assigned to the Wadsworth Family. We learn that the father of the "baby" has left Mama a long time ago. Maybe he ended up being a butler for Mr. Boddy. Ann meets Baby, a grown man who hasn't matured past infancy. He doesn't talk, gurgles and coos like a baby, and crawls around in a giant diaper. Oddly enough, this isn't this movie's creepiest moment.

Ann thinks she can help Baby develop into a normal adult if only she can get Mama to go along with it. Mama, along with her two actual adult daughters, like Baby the way he is. The daughters are pieces of works themselves. One is super slutty and the other has hair so wild, you wanna find the person who styled it and charge them with war crimes greater than anything Saddam Hussein ever did.

Despite her best efforts, Mama and Ann's boss wants Ann to back the fuck away and leave the family alone. But Ann seems to be taking this case personally. We learn that she's married and her husband had some sort of accident. And she lives with her mother-in-law. So clearly, the ending is telegraphed miles away but this movie wants to pretend we're dumb so let's play along.

Mama manages to get Ann thrown off the case and we witness a few disturbing things inside the Wadsworth household. This includes Slutty Sister continuing electro-shocking Baby. Then later that night Weird Hair chick sneaks into Baby's room, removes her lingerie and.......


Moving on.

Mama invites Ann to Baby's birthday party to "discuss" things. This party, despite it being for a "baby" is pretty much a Playboy Mansion party from the '70's. You got Vietnam vets, hippies, and a Dennis Hopper Wannabe trying to get with Ann and then Slutty Sister. Mama spikes Ann's drink and she passes out. The Wadsworth secretly carry her into the basement where they'll do unspeakable things to her. But Dennis Hopper wants to bang Slutty Chick so they have to wait.

Baby manages to crawl into the basement and ungag Ann. Ann then manages to set herself free and she escapes with Baby. Mama and the sisters (Weird Hair Sister has even weirder hair in this scene) find Ann and Baby gone and normally this would be the end but we're only at the 1 hour mark.

Clearly the film makers were asked to kill some time and we get some scenes of Ann bathing Baby, making him wear a suit, and Mama missing Baby. After some undetermined amount of time goes by, Mama decides to find Ann and Baby. I said to myself "They're not gonna just drive around and look for Ann's car, are they?" Sure enough, that's what they did.

The two sisters poke around the house, looking for Baby and this takes FOR-FUCKING-EVER! I can just hear the director yelling "Stretch. Streeeeetch." to the chicks poking around the house. Finally, Mama gets impatient and she goes into Ann's house and finds Weird Hair Sister dead. Slutty Sister comes out of a room with a knife in her back.

Turns out, Ann and her Mom-In-Law are the crazy ones and they wanna keep Baby for themselves. You know why at this point but just hold off on shouting the answer. Ann and Mama have a fight and Mom-in-Law helps. Mama falls over a railing, breaking her legs. Ann and Mom-in-Law drag Mama to the back yard and throw her body, along with the sister's body, in the hole where they're building a pool. They bury Mama alive.

Ok so here's a super shocking secret ending, pretend to be surprised. Turns out the "accident" Ann's husband had left him as a giant kid. And she wanted Baby to give Husband someone to play with. How delightfully creepy. Sometime in the future, the pool is built and everyone is splashing in and around it. Awww, over the decomposing bodies of Baby's former family. How sweet.

Oh, there is a scene that I blocked out already. While looking through the pics I took I was suddenly reminded and now I'm back to being horrified. I'll just show the pic and say this: the chick is a baby sitter and Baby is doing what you think he's doing. That is all.

So yeah. This didn't feature any kids doing any sort of killing like the previous films in this blog-a-thon did. There was some creepy "kids" which I could make count I suppose. This movie wasn't too bad. I was sorta interested in the story and wanted to see how it would turn out for Baby. I didn't expect Ann to be the crazy one though. I guess when your husband regresses back to being an infant you tend to lose your marbles or something. I dunno. Anyway, I don't know how rare this movie really is. I say give it a try and look for it and if you can find it, give it a watch. Goo-goo.


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