Friday, October 23, 2009

Reasons Not To Have Kids #13: 666: The Child/Links

This lovely movie is bought to us by our good friends The Asylum, whom I'm starting to hate more and more. At first, the idea of these movies ripping off good (or not so good) movies was a fun novel idea. But when you sit down to watch them, you just want to jab a pencil in your eyes and be content with being blind for the rest of your life.

Tonight's faire is their version of "The Omen", which as this company is known to do, released this movie on the same day the remake hit theaters. So we're watching a rip off movie of a remake. I'm surprised a black hole didn't open somewhere.

The movie starts with a plane crashing into some mountains. A camera crew "just happens" to be there to film the entire thing and they spot a kid crawling out of the wreckage and collapsing. The camera crew, composed of Tony and Scott. Scott is married and/or banging on air news anchor Erica, who looked super familar to me. Looking up her resume on imdb, I noticed that she was in...every OTHER The Asylum movie, including "the 9/11 Commission Report". Boy, they'll turn anything into a movie.

While the credits are rolling, we learn that the kid playing Fake Damien is named "Boo Boo Stewart". Yes. Boo Boo. I'm guessing the following exchange took place prior to this movie being released:
Producer: Ok, kid you're hired.
"Boo Boo": I'm ashamed to be in this movie. I want to go under a fake name.
Producer: Fine. What do you wanna be called?
Boo Boo: Boo Boo!
Producer: ....

Whatever, kid.

So the kid is an orphan and Erica and Scott want to adopt him cause him literally WALKING AWAY from a plane crash isn't suspecious at all. While Boo Boo is in the hospital, a nurse and a doctor start fucking and Boo Boo gets all Fake Damien on them, causing a pipe to burst (not that one), killing both nurse and doctor.

I guess I should mention that Boo Boo's name in the movie is Donald, but I perfer Boo Boo so that's what I'm calling him, dammit! Anyway, Erica and Scott talk to a priest who is a hard ass about adopting Boo Boo and since Erica's sister is a Fake Martha Stewart, he lets them have Boo Boo.

Also moving in with Erica and Scott is Scott's father Jake. Jake agrees to watch Boo Boo while Erica and Scott go somewhere. Jake throws a baseball at Boo Boo and ends up taking one right in the kisser. Jake takes Boo Boo to the hospital (the same one with the dead doctor and nurse, were they ever found?) and the doctor (another one, he kinda looked like Chris Parnell) pretty much acts like an asshole to Boo Boo, which is a bad idea. Boo Boo uses his Satan powers to make Asshole Doctor ram a drill into his face.

What I love about this movie so far are the sets. It's clearing a house, a rented office, or a warehouse. So to make it look like a "hospital" or a "TV studio" they just hang stuff to represent those things. Like the TV studio just has a desk from Staples and a green screen taped to the wall and that's it. The hospital has a bunch of pictures of people's organs and diagrams about the intestines. Classic.

Erica and Scott are mad at Jake, but they won't be for long. Boo Boo shows up in Jake's room that night and causes the ceiling fan to become sharp blades that'll slice open an old man's neck. Someone needs to tell The Asylum that ceiling fans aren't actually made of blades.

Scott finds his dad dead and immedately forgets about it and parties with Tony and Boo Boo. Erica throws a bitch fit about nothing in particular and orders a nanny. Oh and she has to go out of town. While out of town, the Nanny shows up and this is the point I wanted to give my eyeballs lead poisoning. The Nanny's name, I am NOT FUCKING joking, is Lucy Fir.


So LUCY obviously takes a liking to Boo Boo and wants to his "his real drawings", which she loves. Scott for no real reason thinks something is up with Boo Boo and decides to look into his past. Boy, this movie doesn't waste any time. Scott talks to a buddy online through a webcam, only to tell us he has a webcam set up, and then Scott finds out that the orphanage Boo Boo use to live in was burned to the ground and only one guy survived, a priest.

So...if Boo Boo is an orphan, why was he on that plane? Did he just feel like flying around? Any thought put into this movie? Whatever.

Scott goes looking for this priest while Tony and Lucy watches Boo Boo. Tony finds "the real drawings" in Boo Boo's room and freaks out. Boo Boo and Lucy then sic lawn mowers, hand saws, and other tools after Tony, killing him. It's not even revealed what happened to Tony's body. Oh well.

Scott talks to the priest and he tells him that Boo Boo is Satan's son, and he'll have the mark. Oh yeah. Fuckin' 666 is EVERYWHERE. The number of the flight was 7666. The room the priest is staying in at first is 966 but then suddenly it's 666. Yeah, I noticed that, movie.

Scott has to kill Boo Boo but has to get around Lucy. Lucy decides to seduce Scott by giving him a blow job IN FRONT OF HIS WEBCAM (yeah, this WON'T come into play later). The next day, Scott kicks Lucy out. Whereever Erica is, she recieves a message from Scott but it's the blow job video. Erica gets upset, finds a message from Boo Boo written on the mirror, and immedately falls backwards into the shower door. Most normal people would just be slightly injured. Erica however is cut to shreds and dies.

Scott faces Boo Boo, who turns into a demon. Scott finds the 666 on Boo Boo's tongue and tries to kill him. Lucy shows up and shoots Scott. Scott grabs a fire poker and jams it in Lucy's face. Now her being LUCY FIR you'd think she wouldn't die but whatever.

Now Scott has to defeat Boo Boo. He's about to shoot him when the stupidest fucking ending in the history of ever happens. Just out of nowhere, a cop shows up and blows Scott's brains out. No warning, no "FREEZE" just BAM!! dead. And where the fuck did the cop come from?

So now Boo Boo is sent to live with Fake Martha Stewart where he must perform on her god awful TV show in Christmas sweaters. The kid gives an evil stare into the camera and the slowest movie credits I've ever seen starts crawling.

I shouldn't have to say anything else. All The Asylum movies are the same. Lame, horribly put together, and makes me wanna punch my monitor. Just skip this movie and put on "The Omen" or "Omen 2: Electric Satan-oo".

With that out of the way, I got some links for ya!

Fletch at Blog Cabins sent me his take of "Joshua", which is pretty much another "Omen" rip off that became mainstream.

Scott over at He Shot Cyrus takes a look at a segment in the "Twilight Zone: The Movie" with the kid freaking everyone out in a house.

Mucho thanks to both of them for submitting their links!

1 comment:

elgringo said...

Just for the record, my SON'S NAME IS BOO BOO! Haha.

Thanks for posting my link!