Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Reasons Not To Have Kids #2: The Brood

I'm usually not one to go "OMG this movie is lame cuz it's slow!!". I only complain about movies being slow if it's slow then they pretend something happened but it didn't. "The Brood" is a pretty slow movie but when something happens, holy shit it happens.

The movie starts with Dr. Oliver Reed yelling at a dude who looks like the love child of Zach Galifinakis and Louis C.K on a stage. There are people watching this. This must be some weird new play or something you think but no, it's not. It's actually a therapy session. Uh, aren't all therapy sessions suppose to be private and confidental? Anyway, we learn athat Zach C.K has some Daddy issues and Dr. Oliver Reed cause the dude Michelle, which proves to be a major breakthrough.

We then meet Frank, who's wife Nola is wacko and is under the care of Dr. Oliver Reed. She was abused as a child and Frank suspects Nola is abusing their daughter Candice, or as she's called in the movie Candi. Get that stripper name started at a young age I always say!

Candi is visiting her grandmother while Nola is having therapy with Dr. Oliver Reed. She reveals the abuse she went through and how she now hates her Mom. At Mom's, someone breaks into her kitchen and just starts knocking shit down on the floor. It looks like a burgler who smoked too much weed is in the house, with food flying left and right. After ten minutes of hearing this strange noise, Mom checks it out and soon is greeted by a small blonde girl with a weird fact strangling her, then beating her with a meat tenderizer. Candi finds Grandma and gets a glimpse of the disfigured child.

Things slow down again when Frank wants to sue Dr. Oliver Reed for being a horrible doctor and wants to build a case against him. Frank visits a weird guy who got some cancer of the throat and blames it on the doctor. Frank also gets kinda sorta friendly with Candi's teacher.

Nola's father flies in for the funeral of his ex-wife and gets stupid drunk and wants to yell at Nola. It's revealed that Nola blames her Dad for the abuse cause he didn't do anything about it, even though he clearly knew it was happening. One night, while Frank is trying to woo Candi's teacher, Nola's Dad is drinking himself silly at his ex-wife's house. Soon, the disfigured child shows up and using two snow globes, smashes Dad's face in.

Frank leaves the teacher to check in on Dad and finds him dead. He also finds the fucked up kid and chases her/it around until it just suddenly dies. Frank and the cops take her/it to a cornoer who tells us it's not really human cause it doesn't have a belly button and there's a weird pouch on the neck where it stores it's fuel. Yes, fuel. Hmm...

Candi's teacher gets a call from Nola and is pissed that she's at Frank's house. Uh oh! The discovery of the dead it-child makes the papers and Candi's teacher decides to block her pussy from Frank. But it's ok cause Frank is a pimp. While he's talking to some other lady, two more creepy looking kids show up at the teachers class and takes some toy hammer things and just starts beating the shit out of the teacher. A kid runs out and finds Frank getting his mack on. Frank runs in, finds the teacher dead, and Candi has vanished, along with the two disformed kids.

During the slow parts, Dr. Oliver Reed closes his institution and sends Zach C.K to live with Weird Cancer guy. Both guys make this movie 150% weirder then it already is. Zach C.K reveals he knows about these weird kids hiding out in the shed Nola stays in for some reason and Frank puts it all together.

Frank arrives at the shed and finds Dr. Oliver Reed who explains it to us. Each deformed child represents some form of anger Nola has. She "gives birth" to this anger, which Dr. Reed calls The Brood, and whenever she's pissed off it goes out and kills whoever or whatever is pissing Nola off. Dr. Reed knows The Brood has Candi and they won't let her go unless Nola is calm and/or mellow. Hopefully, Frank bought some weed.

It is up to Frank to soothe Nola while Dr. Reed saves Candi, who is sleeping in this room full of disfigured children. Frank smooth talks to Nola and wants to be part of her "new life". She goes "Ok" and reveals this (Probably not safe for work):


Nola pulls out a baby Brood from her sack and LICKS THE BABY CLEAN!!! Oh Cronenberg, you love to be weird for the sake of being weird.

Of course Frank loses his cool and Nola gets pissed off, which wakens The Brood and attacks Dr. Reed. Nola then decides to get revenge on Frank by killing Candi, so they go after her. Frank strangles Nola, which also kills The Brood and Frank safely takes Candi away. Until it's revealed she has two small bumps on her arm. Hmm...

I was probably suppose to know what this means but it was probably explained during one of the slow moments in the movie and I wasn't paying attention. So I'll take the blame for not getting the ending.

This is honestly the second Cronenberg film I've ever seen, the first being "The Fly", and I can easily see how both movies are from the same director. I know there should be more Cronenberg I should be watching but I do get the feeling he loves doing weird wacky shit just to go "Hey I filmed some weird wacky shit, check it out". Which I think I will someday.

As for "The Brood", it was pretty good despite the slow parts. The acting was ok but Frank looked like George Michael to me. It might've been the hair, I dunno. I can't say I found the whole thing scary. The only really freaky part was towards the end when all The Brood (Brood's?) is/are attacking Dr. Oliver Reed. Seeing a bunch of deformed children who were hatched and probably licked clean attacking a English guy is pretty unsettling.


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