Reasons Not To Have Kids #18: The Good Son

Here we are, folks. The final RN2HK for 2009. I'm definately revisiting this again next year. There are plenty more I didn't get to. As for tonight's selection, you have Rachel (or Ra-quel?) from Rachel's Reel Reviews to thank for this one. I didn't know how to end this little blog-a-thon and after throwing up a status on Facebook, she stepped in and said "Hey, Macaulay Culkin was a little shit in 'The Good Son'. After seeing him, I vowed to never have Macaulay Culkin as a son." (Quote might be somewhat paraphrased.)

I seen "The Good Son" when it was released on VHS (Yes, VHS, I'm old) back in 1993 (See?) and that was the last time I seen it. So much of the movie was kinda murky for me. I remember Macaulay saying the F-word and it starring "That kid from 'Radio Flyer'" an equally messed up movie. Unfortuately, it's not a timeless classic.

Movie starts with Mark (Elijah Wood) playing soccer. Then David Morse shows up and he makes the same face I'd make if David Morse suddenly shows up. Cause he more or less killed Bjork and caused an airplane to go backwards in time. I'm scared of David Morse.




And I should be because he's here to tell Mark that his Mom is dying. After Mark promises to not let Mom die, she dies. Good job, kid. Then through some vague thing, David Morse says he has to go somewhere and can't take Mark. Yeah, you're wife just died and your son is messed up. Good time to "go somewhere". Some relatives of Mark's says they can watch him while David Morse does whatever.

So David Morse takes Mark to Susan and Wallace's house. There, Mark meets Connie and Henry (Macauly Culkin). Henry and Mark instantly become friends. Henry shows him all this neat stuff like this homemade gun that shoots nails. And this creepy ass shed where Henry carves up the bodies. And an abandoned warehouse that isn't abandoned cause one guy just randomly shows up and chases them out.

Things try to get dramatic when Mark is sent to see a therapist, Dr. Annie. These scenes are boring. Let's see the "Home Alone" kid kill someone! It starts off slow, with him killing this dog that likes to come out of nowhere (they were walking somewhere when it decided to show up and chase them) and they hide the body down the well Samara is buried in. Then Macauly Calkin lights up a smoke, which is something he probably really did back then. Between the whole Michael Jackson thing, his parents, and Joe Pesci, I'm surprised he didn't turn to meth.

After shocking his "Home Alone" fans, he ramps things up a bit by introducing us to Mr. Highway, a dummy. Guess what happens to Mr. Highway. Mr Highway, meet actual Highway. This causes a 200 car pile-up. The 9-year-old girl that had a crush on Kevin MacCalister is now crying her eyes out.

"BUT KEVIN WOULDN'T DO THAT!!! WAAAAH!!!!"




Mark, naturally, is now scared of Henry and tries to warns people. And by people I mean the fucking adults. God, adults in movies are fucking worthless. The kid could kill someone right in front of them and they'd be like "nope, he's not crazy". Throw in another boring sub-plot about Henry's younger brother drowning in the bathtub, to make Susan a bit off balance, and you're in "My kid's are saints!" territory.

Henry decides to fuck with Mark by giving out hints that he's gonna kill Connie, Henry's younger sister. Mark likes her as a sister and gets super overprotective of her. There's a whole scene where the kids play "hide-and-seek" in the dark house and Mark scrambles to find her. Henry puts Jason Vorhees to shame by teleporting everywhere in the house. Mark keeps Connie away from Henry through the night.

The next day, however, Mark finds out Henry took Connie ice skating. Mark runs to the pond and arrives in time to find Henry throwing Connie onto a patch of thin ice. Connie immedately falls through. Despite there being 2 billion adults (and apparently 19 games of hockey going on), no one does anything. At least until Connie slips under the ice.

Then suddenly the ice can support two grown ass men who have to struggle while chipping away at the ice. Uh-huh. The two grown men save Connie and she's rushed to the hospital. Henry plays more head games with Mark, making all kinds of comments about killing Connie. And of course Henry makes it seem like Mark is the crazy one.

There's a great scene where Henry alludes to poisoning all the food in the fridge, so Mark grabs everything and starts manically shoving it down the garbage disposal. And of course, Mark comes out and tells Susan and Wallace that Henry is fucked in the head but they don't believe him.

Mark calls David Morse, who's currently fighting The Langoliers, and tells him about Henry. David tells him to go see Dr. Annie. But too late, Henry is already talking to her, and making it seem like Mark is the one doing all the killing. Now no one will believe him.

After a scene in the treehouse where Macauly famously says "don't fuck with me" ("MOOOOM!!! KEVIN WOULD NEVER SAY THAT!!!! AHHHHH!!!!!"), Henry now alludes that he's gonna kill Susan. This all starts when she starts poking around Henry's murdering shed and finds a rubber duckie. Susan knows it's the one his baby brother had the night he drowned and she FINALLY pieces it together. Then they both hilariously get into a fight over the rubber duckie, while it's squeaking like crazy. It's a hilarious scene.

Mark witnesses Henry going off into the woods with Susan and tries to stop them. But Wallace, having enough of Psycho Mark, locks him in a room. Mark breaks open a window and escapes. Out in the woods, Henry comes clean about killing his baby brother and then shoves Susan off a cliff. Luckily she grabs onto the rocks and is hanging on. Henry is about to throw a rock at her when Mark comes flying out of nowhere and the two kids start wrasslin'.

This gives Susan enough time to climb back up to the top (Ain't about how fast I get there Ain't about what's waiting on the other side It's the climb!!) and get back on top. But now both Mark and Henry fall over the cliff. Susan grabs them both, one in each hand. Henry seriously pleads to let her drop Mark and save him. Susan looks at Henry and says "Have a nice drop...in hell!!" (again, might have been paraphrased) and I shit you not a woman lets her own son fall off a cliff and get crushed by rocks. We even get an unneeded scene of Henry's ripped to shred's body lying all bloodied on the rocks.





(At this point all the 9-year-old girls left the theater. If the parents seen this, many lawsuits would've ensued.)

We get a stupid tacked on ending with Elijah Wood standing in the desert and he voice overs about wondering if Susan would've done it again, would she make the same decision. I'm gonna say no because I'm sure once she got back to Wallace, the following conversation happened:

Susan: So yeah I dropped our son but saved this kid we barely know.
Wallace: WHAT???
Susan: Well, Henry killed the baby.
Wallace: BUT HE WAS MY SON ALSO!!! YOU BITCH!!!
(Divorce. Lawsuits. Susan now lives in a cardboard box.)
Susan: DAMN YOU FRODO!!!!!!!!!!

So better not question things too much, kid.





Holy fuck this movie is wacked. I dunno what Macauly Calkin was thinkin' taking this role. Well, more like his dad was thinking. This was somewhat in the middle of the Home Alone crazy. He then went on to play Richie Rich (which a scene was filmed in Gary, Indiana) and "Getting Even With Dad". But as for the movie itself, it's not good. It's not horrible but it's laughably bad. During the highway pile up, you clearly see a car window break BEFORE anything hits it. TWICE! The dialouge is hokey. And overall it's frustrating because adults are fucking idiots. Which is why, again, I refuse to grow up. So kids, if something is happening, let it be an alien or a ghost or even a fucked up kid killing people, just tell me. I'll know what to do.


SUPER SPECIAL THANKS:
To everybody reading this
Adam, Rachael M., Maria, and Devon for sending in reviews of movies
To The LAMB for featuring one of the reviews
For fellow LAMB's for either suggestion movies or simply inspiring me to review movies
And to kids everywhere. Stay fucked up, yo!
-Jason