Reasons Not To Have Kids #11: Children of the Corn (2009)

Apparently, Stephen King takes a look at all the movies that were based off of his novels and goes "Y'know, they're ALRIGHT, I guess but they're nothing like any of my novels. They ruined the story I was trying to tell. I KNOW! I'll make my own damn version! HAHAHA!" And he did this with "The Shining" and now we have "Children of the Corn", which is absolutely nothing like the 80's version with Linda Hamilton. And there's probably a good reason why they changed the story around cause if THIS version is what the King story is about, the film makers were like "Um, yeah pass" and came up with their own version.

And if that is true, Stephen King is out of his fucking mind. I need to read this story now.

We start off in 1963 and some kids are in a barn listening to another kid dressed like a Cowboy Preacher talking about the drought and how adults are evil. I agree, adults are fucking evil, that's why I refuse to grow up. They cut open a pig and all the kids are like "Praise God" or something.

Now it's 1975 and Burt and Vicki are on the road trip from hell. Well, Burt is on the road trip from hell because Vicki IS A RAGING FUCKING BITCH!!! Ugh, she wouldn't shut up. There was literally ten minutes of her going "Why are you playing that radio too loud? Why are you driving? I can't drive cause I get migranes! You suck!! Why are we married? You were in Veitnam? SO WHAT!!! Did you fuck a (racist term for Asian person)?" I'm like "Jesus christ, kill her already."

And Burt, man, he has patiences. He just sits there and stares off into space. Sure, he yells back at her but it's only to defend himself. He's not giving her any reason to act like that. While Vicki is being a bitch, a kid runs out from the cornfield and Burt runs the kid over. Vicki proves to be helpful when she states Burt is going to jail for murder.

They get out and look at the kid and Burt notices that his throat was cut. Vicki is all like "So what" and goes on and on and on and finally fucking yes Burt slaps a bitch. I cheered. I normally don't condone woman abuse but god she fucking deserved it. Burt puts the kid's body in the trunk and decides to investigate the cornfield the kid ran out from.




While in the cornfield, we see some kids creeping around him and Vicki. They probably wanna stab the shit out of her. Burt finds the kids suitcase and gets back to the car and drive off to the nearest town, which is Gatlin, Nebraska. While driving through Gatlin, they notice that not one single person is around and that gas is still 30 cents, which hasn't been that low since....1962. Hmm... Fuck, compared to the way it is now, I wouldn't complain about 30 cent gas.

Burt and Vicki can't seem to find anyone in town and I couldn't help but notice something. Vicki's bitchyness comes and goes, almost like the two writers (one of which is Stephen King) took turns writing this movie. Cause for this stretch, she's kinda nice and her and Burt are falling in love again.

But the first writer takes over and Vicki The Bitch returns when she starts begging Burt to just dump the kids body and leave and never mention this again and why are you lousy in bed and my mother was right and I was a prom queen and you're a dumb redneck Veitnam vet and those (racist Asian people term) and blah blah blah. I wanna point out, in case you didn't notice, Vicki is played by a black chick and even her real name makes me wanna punch her: Kandyse. That's like two misspellings in one name. How is that possible?

Burt notices all the calenders in the buildings are still on 1962, except for the Church which is dated last Sunday. He thinks something happened and the entire town hid in the Church for 12 years. Yeah...I guess you could say that.

God, we're almost to the ridiculous so bad it's good part. I'm getting antsy.

Vicki stays behind in the car after a stupid 10 minute fight that didn't really need to happen (Point of it was to show Vicki had her own set of car keys and Burt took them cause he thinks she's gonna leave him without a car) while Burt is in the Church, which is all covered in Corn and children drawings of a God-like guy with grass for a beard. Burt is messing around in the Church when the children FINALLY appear and start attacking Vicki for being an annoying bitch.


Ok, they attack her cause He Who Walks Behind The Rows fortold a prophecy where two adults, one male one female, would arrive and they would be sinners and would need to be sacrificed. While the car Vicki is in is getting attacked, she's honking her horn to get Burt's attention, who thinks she's just being a bitch again.

Until Vicki pulls out the shotgun and starts shooting. This finally gets Burt's attention and he runs out in time to see Malachai torch the car, burning Vicki inside. Excuse me for one moment.

YES!! YES!!! WOO HOO!!! FUCKING YES!!!!! THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!! WOO YEAH!!!!

Ok, I'm back. Burt is all "oh no why did you do that please no oh god why" while Isaac stands on a roof and starts talking to Burt. The fucking craziness can now begin.

Burt beats up and kills two kids armed with farming tools. Isaac calls Burt a sinner and throws a tiny pocket knife at Burt. From a roof. About 3000 feet away. And the knife hits Burt in the arm. I shit you not. Burt pulls the knife out and breaks it and the kids act like this is a big deal. Burt runs away and all the kids take chase.

Burt runs into a cornfield and all the kids stop cause they're not allowed to go in there without Isaac or Malachai. Them two have a minor fight about why Burt did that and what it means and they head over to the cornfield. Things kinda slow down cause all of Burt's remaining scenes is him running through corn and starting to have Veitnam flashbacks.

A tiny little kid tells Malachai he saw He Who Walks Behind The Row and Malachai gets jealous and walks away. Burt kills the tiny little kid thinking he's "Charlie". Eventually, the sun sets and the kids have to leave the cornfield cause that's when "he" walks around.

Back at the Isaac Compound, we learn a whole shitload of disturbing shit. Like a 15-year-old girl is pregnant with Malachai's child. Things get even more disturbing when, after dinner, they all go to the Church and Isaac declares it "fertilazation time" and two teenagers, one guy and one girl, stand up and disrobe and THEY START FUCKING IN CHURCH IN FRONT OF LITTLE KIDS!!! And the little kids all get excited and start grinning and oh my god I'm disturbed.




Burt is losing his mind and is still lost in the cornfield. But soon, the cornfield gets a mind of its own and tries to wrap little cornhusks around Burt and start moving around. Burt manages to escape to a clearing where he finds Vicki, very much dead, crucified on a cross with her eyes poked out. Burt start tripping and hears Vicki tell him it's not all that bad you big pussy. Get killed now, asshole!!! Then we get a P.O.V shot of something attacking Burt.

It's now the next day and Isaac tells his followers that the age of whatever has been lowered to 18 instead of 19. The whatever was how old you got to live to before you got killed cause anything over that makes you an adult and adults are evil, like they said at the beginning. I guess Malachai is 18 and is up to be sacrificed. I think it was just Isaac fucking with Malachai and wanting him gone or something. We then see Burt, also now dead and crucified next to Vicki. I'm sure he's happy about that.




And that's it. Movie ends. Thankfully, I have the book the short story this is based on and I took a glance at it cause it's only 10 pages long. And I'm sad to say, this is the exact movie version of the short story. Minus the creepy fucking scene in the Church. I guess Stephen King added that for the movie. Cause he's a sick fuck. A genius, but a sick fuck.

After Vicki dies, the movie gets way better and just fucking unintentually funny with lines like "Put that in your God and smoke it" and the 5000 foot pocket knife throwing scene. Maybe the teenagers that were fucking in the Church were 18, which is why they actually got naked in that scene. But there were kids around, which...ugh I don't wanna think about. This movie is so different from the Linda Hamilton version I'm just in shock. I would recommend this as a one-time viewing only kinda thing mainly cause of Vicki. And Kandyse. Just sacrifice me now.

-Jason