Mid-October, I'm doing a trip to Target to get some things. As always, I snoop through the DVD department to see if anything went on sale or what's new for the week. The particular week I went, there was one movie that was new:
MOTHERFUCKING HUMAN CENTIPEDE!!
My exact reaction to this was "WHAT?? WHY IS TARGET SELLING THIS???" Then I had to explain to security why I was screaming in their DVD isle. I have not seen the movie at this point but I knew a few things about it. I knew some fucked up shit happened. I knew it was kinda gross. And probably just not right. So why is Target selling this? Why am I not finding this movie at a flea market or at some crusty shady video store or out of some guys van? Really? This movie is available to the public to buy all willy-nilly? Wow!
So I bought it.
As I was walking home, a thought crossed my mind.
"This movie is too epic to watch by myself. I need to share this experience with as many people as I can."
Knowing that the first weekend in November I was going to be returning to my hometown up in NorthWest Indiana, I decided to see if any of my friends up there would gather to experience the viewing of this instant cult classic.
My best friend Bill was all for it. He was cool with having it happen at his house. I decided to set up a Facebook page and invite all the NWI (Not Netflix Instant Watch, Dylan and Nick) people over. I was gonna buy some brewski's and start all the shenanagins at midnight.
Flashforward to the day before I leave. The Facebook event had confirmed guests: me and Bill. That. Was. It. I don't know if everyone just pussied out, or were not available, or even "not available" meaning "Yeah I rather jump into Lake Michigan naked during December while eating ice cream than watch this stupid movie with them two."
I was hoping maybe someone would change their mind and maybe show up. I bought some other movies and decided hey let's stay up all fucking night watching shitty movies! YA-HA!!!
So I arrive the night of Thursday, November 4th. Still no other people interested. By the time midnight Friday rolled around, I gave up hope. Me and Bill didn't even bother going back to his house. We knew no one was there.
Flashforward again to Saturday night. After visiting my Mom, me and Bill went to get some food and we said "fuck it. Let's just watch it our own damn selves!" Bill said 'FUCK YEAH', which was unfortunate cause we were still in the restaurant.
Now, if you made it this far, AND you watched my latest "Jason Made A Video", you kinda got a glimpse on what we thought of the movie when we return to his house at 1AM that Saturday night/Sunday morning. Here, is my full report, as it was happening. Take this with a grain of salt cause I was a bit intoxicated.
The movie starts and it plays out like a typical horror movie. Some creepy looking guy. Two stupid (and I mean STUPID) girls. Dark night. Woods. Car breaks down. Instead of, say, walking down the fucking road they were on, these two geniuses head off into the woods. There, they find a nice house. They knock on the door and creepy dude answers. He immedately drugs their drinks and they pass out.
They wake up, find themselves tied to hospital beds and learn creepy guy is/was a doctor and he wants to make the worlds first Human Centipede by connecting them mouth to ass. There's a Japanese guy who only speaks Japanese, which makes for an interesting "head" of said centipede.
After a half-hour of waiting, the centipede is unveiled and nobody is too happy with this situation they find themselves in. And it's here that it stops being a B-movie and turns into Jason's worst nightmare. Oh my god, I need to go back in time and redo the Halloween episode of the LAMBcast cause this is my number one of things that freak me out: being a fucking human centipede!
This shit is fucked up, yo! And here's the kicker: the Japanese dude HAS TO SHIT IN THE GIRLS MOUTH!! We don't see actual shit going into her mouth but the emotions are there. Especially when the dude is like "I HAVE TO SHIT I'M SORRY!!"
Despite all three people, or one human centipede, being basically naked, we don't see the girls tits, which was a bit dissapointing cause the girls were hot. As my friend Bill said to me later, considering the situation, would I have really enjoyed it? Probably not. But still.
So the only reason this is even happening is cause creepy German doctor is CA-RAZY!! He doesn't intend to create something the scientific community has never seen before. He just wants a "pet" made up of three sad human beings, two of which are forced to eat shit FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES!!
Stop reading this and imagine this. You wake up, find yourself connected to the ass of someone. And you have to eat shit for the rest of your life. Try not to be disturbed by that. Go ahead and cry. I know I did.
And FUCK YOU people who were all like "Ohh, this movie is stupid. It's not scary or disturbing. It was boring. Blah blah blah." WHAT! THE! FUCK! IS! WRONG! WITH! YOU!! Are you a serial killer? Do you NOT have any emotions or souls? Are you just dead inside?
Granted, the people in the movie are kinda throwaway characters but still, we're watching HUMAN BEINGS sewn mouth to ass, forced to eat shit, because some creepy crazy doctor guy wants a unique pet. I mean FUCK ME! For those of you NOT phased by this movie, you need to email me your address. I got some roofies and an angry Japanese guy who likes to shit a lot with your name on it.
So the final 30 minutes is REALLY crazy. Some cops show up. Creepy crazy doctor yells at them, tries to roofie them, the human centipede is slowly trying to escape. SPOILER FOR THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE BUT MOST LIKELY YOU DON'T CARE BUT JUST IN CASE!!!
Japanese dude kinda decides to just kill himself. The second chick who's the tail end of this centipede is dying of some weird blood thing or something. Or starvation. Whatever. The middle chick is kinda screwed cause now she's got dead bodys on both ends of her. Crazy doctor is killed, along with the cops, and the camera simply pans up and ends. Most likely that chick is dead within 24 hours cause she obviously can't move. Even if some more cops come looking for the other cops, it'll be too late.
Oh, I forgot to mention. Crazy doctor pulled out the girls teeth, inserted an esophogus into their throats, connected to the ass, into their stomaches. No amount of plastic surgery is gonna fix that. So yeah, second girl is screwed. The end.
Now, there's gonna be a sequel. No details on what's gonna happen in the sequel has been revealed besides it's gonna be a FULL sequence. I can't even imagine. I've been laying awake at night trying to imagine 12 people, all connected via asses, squirming around.
God, I never had nightmares until this movie entered my life. And you know what that means? I FUCKING LOVED IT! God, I'm sick, aren't I? I should get some help. And if you read this far, congratulations, you just read a major breakthrough about me. I'm gonna be looking up psychiatrists now. In two years, I'm gonna be a different person. Writing about Diane Keaton movies where Katherine Heigel plays her daughter and it's based on a novel by Nicholas Sparks. And wearing a beret.
Fuck, just kill me now.