Let's Remake Plan 9!

Some time ago, I saw a trailer that got me excited! I ruined a-many LAMBcast's talking about this during Trailer Talk (Back when it was "BYOT: Bring your own trailer") when it was announced. This is a trailer for a serious remake of "Plan 9 From Outer Space".



It's due to be relased in 2011 (unless the Mayans were wrong) and I can't wait.

But let's pretend for a moment this remake wasn't happening. There was no monster, no man named Douglas to be found. (I'll explain this reference some day, I swear.) Let's pretend, then, that Hollywood got ahold of the remake script, decided to spend a shitload of money on it, and spent actual time on making a decent film on an interesting idea. (Say what you will about Plan 9, it's a pretty good idea for a story.) Who would play what? And who would write and direct it? I shall answer those questions for you now!

(I want to say that I'm only casting the main people. There are a few roles like some army people, some flight attendants, and a general that don't need a big name actor, unless you wanna be cutesy and give them cameo roles, like Michael J. Nelson as the General or something.)

Jeff-Originally played by Gregory Walcott.
The character of Jeff is suppose to be the strong strapping husband and hero of the movie. He's a pilot and doesn't take any of this alien/rising dead nonsense standing still! So who to cast him in the remake?



Ryan Reynolds. I think he'd be a great Jeff. He's handsome, he's fit, and since he's seems to play in a lot of superhero movies, he can kick some ass. Plus, ladies, imagine him in a pilot's uniform. Yep, you better go get changed.

Paula-Originally played by Mona McKinnon.
Paula is Jeff's wife. She spends most of the movie being scared, being chased, and pretty much passed out. Since it's the year 2010, I imagine this role is probably gonna change a bit and have her a bit tougher and able to stand her own ground. Oh and most likely, she's gonna be unbelieveably hot. This is a tough one but I'll go with...



Scarlett Johannson. I really had a tough time figuring this one but I think it'd work. She's hot, she was awesome in Iron Man 2. And I promise I'm not gonna be casting nothing but people who were in superhero movies. I swear. And plus...she's REALLY married (I think married) to Ryan Reynolds. I know movies with a real life married couple playing a couple in the movie don't do that great, but these two don't seem as annoying as Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez or Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman. At least I don't think so.

Inspector Dan Clay-Originally played by Tor Johnson.
Oh man, this is going to really tough. There's no one really still alive to capture this big hulking guy who can't talk right. Granted, this character doesn't need to be a big hulking guy who can't talk right, but I think for old times sakes, it should. So I guess the obvious choice would have to be...



Kane Hodder. This dude is GIANT! And he's scary looking. And he does OTHER things besides play Jason. I think it'd be a perfect fit.

The Wife/Vampire Girl-Originally played by Vampira.
Yeah, you could be funny and cast Elvira in this role. But think about it. Vampira is/was a hot chick with nice tits, kinda pale, and very goth looking. Think about a modern actress that fits that description. I'll give you a minute...hint...Tim Burton...



Helena Bonham Carter. Right? Right? You're picturing it, don't deny it. Yeah, she won't be speaking much (if at all) but who knows? In the remake, they might have a scene showing her before she died.

The Ruler-Played by "Bunny" Breckinridge.
This is probably going to be the most drastic change of character. Bunny Breckinridge was a friend of Ed Wood's and was cast in the movie cause of this. If you couldn't tell, Bunny was gay and it really showed in the movie. So the problem is the casting of this. I'm sure the character of the Ruler, the head alien in charge of this invasion, wasn't meant to be gay at all. It just kinda happened. But when I was thinking of this role, one person came to mind that I think would do a good job with it...and he happens to be gay. Quite famously.



Alan Cumming. He's a pretty good actor. He can play a straight guy. He can play an American (I believe he's British or something). So he could play this character the right way, I believe. He just happens to be gay. So sue me.

Eros and Tanna-Originally played by Dudley Manlove (*snicker*) and Joanna Lee.
They were the two alien helpers/assistants who set motion this Plan 9. I grouped them together cause they rarely have scenes individually. So, we need a guy and a girl who work good together. How about...



John and Joan Cusack. Ok, the characters aren't related...or are they? It's not ever said really. So in the remake, we don't have to say but why not? Plus, John and Joan been in a number of movies togethers where their characters weren't related. Why none of the other characters ever acknowledge that they look alike is beyond me but whatever.

The Patrolman-Played by Conrad Brooks. Also a friend of Ed Wood's. He looked like he was 12 in this movie. People are going to kill me for this choice but try to think about it...



Shia LaBeouf. I know I know I KNOW! He's annoying. He thinks he's too big of a star for such a small part. I KNOW! But I can't think of any other younger actor who's more perfect for the part of a twerpy rookie cop who's kinda useless.

Lt. John Harper-Originally played by Duke Moore. This may not sound like a familar character to you by name, but he had a big part in the movie. He was the idiot cop who kept pointing at everything (including himself) with his gun. If you make him a bit smarter and maybe a bit more cooler you'd get...



Joesph-Gordon "Jo-go" Levitt. I just wanted to cast him in something. So sue me.

I don't get why he's called this but Ghoul Man-Originally played By Bela Lugosi. This is going to be really, really hard. Bela's really only in some small parts of the movie. He famously died during the filming of it and a replacement was casted, with the guy covering his face. I really hate to lose that so maybe in the remake what could happen is when he's alive he could be normal, but he died in a horrible accident, disfiguring his face. When he's reanimated, he's a bit shy about this so he covers his face. How about....



Robert Englund. Yeah, there'll be call-backs to Freddy, but he don't have to be BURNT per-se. Plus, he'll have experience on playing a guy with a fucked up face. Maybe he's not a fan of his real face? You never know.

Last but not least...Criswell-Originally played by himself.
This is the narrator of the whole movie. Now-a-days, movies don't have narrators. So if you kinda change it up a bit, you could make this character a news jouralist or a news reporter or maybe a talk show host. Let's go with news reporter. Someone trust worthy, covering and recapping everything. He's got to have a great voice. I'm talking about...



Bill Kurtis. He's a real news guy. He was the narrator in "Anchorman" but he can do the same thing here, but seriously. Plus imagine him saying this:
"Greetings, my friend. We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. And remember, my friend, future events such as these will affect you in the future. You are interested in the unknown, the mysterious, the unexplainable. That is why you are here. And now, for the first time, we are bringing to you the full story of what happened on that fateful day. We are giving you all the evidence, based only on the secret testimonies of the miserable souls who survived this terrifying ordeal. The incidents, the places, my friend, we cannot keep this a secret any longer. Let us punish the guilty. Let us reward the innocent. My friend, can your heart stand the shocking facts about grave robbers from outer space?"

Ok maybe not. It'll have to rewritten a bit. But still. Keep in the "this is where and I are going to spend the rest of our lives" bit. If this was a comedy, this could go to Stephen Colbert. Not that I think he can't do serious, but if people see he's in a movie nowadays, they'll expect comedy.

So there you have it. This would probably be the best remake ever! Oh, right. Who would write and direct it. Well why not...



Stranger things have happened.
-Jason