Zombie Month: Bio Zombie

This was a movie that everybody on the planet was telling me to watch. After seeing it, I must agree, it is a pretty kickass movie.

There's not a whole lot to it after the main set up. The two main characters Woody and Crazy Bee work in some bootleg video store in a mall. Also in this mall are two hot girls named Jelly and Rolls that work in the beauty salon. We also get an Asshole Husband and his hot but brow-beaten wife.

Woody and Crazy are just roaming the mall, not working, robbing Rolls, doing slacker stuff. Their boss calls them and tells them to pick up his car. While that's happening, some shadowy people are in a warehouse picking up some shadowy stuff, including some chemical that turns people into zombies. The chemical is put into a soda bottle.

Woody and Crazy are driving back when they run into one of the shadowy people. Mistaking his words "soft drink" as a request, they pour the chemical into his mouth and throw him in the trunk and drive back to the mall. At the mall, the shadowy guy is turned into a zombie and escapes the trunk.

In the mall, it is closing up. Rolls suspects Woody is the one that robbed her so she plans on getting him drunk so he can confess. This backfires as she gets drunk too and they go into the bathroom to fuck. Meanwhile, Lloyd, a sushi chef with a crush on Rolls, is bitten by the shadowy guy.

When Lloyd turns into a zombie, he doesn't eat Rolls, instead he tries to be all romantic with her, even saving her from the zombies. Meanwhile, shadowy guy breaks into Asshole Husband's cell phone store and the cops are called. The cops think Woody and Crazy broke into the store so they have them cuffed. Then more zombies show up, chomping everybody.

Then it just becomes your standard "must survive the zombies" story, but it's done really well. There is a great scene where all the characters get weapons and then suddenly turns into a video game, where we see character stat's. It's fucking awesome. There's some humorous moments and some touching moments. And Asshole Husband sorta kinda gets what he deserves. The ending's kinda fucked up but it makes things interesting.

Yeah, I didn't get into too much detail cause this is one you should check out. Not only should you check the movie out, for another opinion (that's pretty much the same as mine) check out Nolahn's review over at the Bargin Bin Review.

-Jason

Jason Made A Video: #8

I know I should be bring these videos back around to bad movies. But this was a fun idea I had and went with it.
-Jason

The Lair of the Unwanted #10: Naughty Zombies

In the first of many double digit episodes, Jason and Nolahn take on two zombie movies that aren't for kids. They get some help from Nick Jobe from Random Ramblings of a Demented Doorknob.

The guys talk about Zombie Strippers and Zombies Zombies Zombies. Also they discuss their favorite zombie movies, go over some feedback, and talk about some stuff on their sites.

Join in on the discussion over at the Offical FaceBook Page of The Lair of the Unwanted at www.facebook.com/thelairoftheunwanted and you can still email them at thelairunwanted@gmail.com

Updated Review/Zombie Month: Dawn of the Dead

I update my review of the original Romero classic!

Dawn of the Dead

Enjoy!
-Jason

Zombie Month: Oasis of the Zombies

Man, I WONDERWALL why this movie even got made. You need some CHAMPAGNE SUPERNOVA to get through this movie. Oddly enough, no one in this movie will LIVE FOREVER. WHAT'S THE STORY, MORNING GLORY? on this movie, you ask? DON'T LOOK BACK IN ANGER, I'll tell you. SUPERSONIC.

The movie starts with two chicks who should be hot. Well one of them is hot the other not only is the most annoying bitch ever, but she's got a prominate mustache. Mustache Chick is being dragged around by Hotter Girl and keeps hearing shit. Hotter Girl doesn't hear anything and investigates a gun just lying there. Mustache Girl decides to go color her mustache and leaves, only to be attacked by a POV camera. Same goes for Hotter Girl.




After the credits (was directed by Jess Franco, who I heard a lot about. Hopefully, this is his least popular movie) a Burly Guy pulls up to some house somewhere in Europe and meets with some dude. The Dude use to be in the Army and knows where $6 million dollars is buried. Burly Guy, after getting the location, injects some poison into Army Dude and he dies.

Somewhere in England, Robert, the Army Dude's son, hears of his dad's death and goes to get everything sorted out. At Army Dude's house, Robert finds a journal written by Dad talking about fighting the nazi's at some desert Oasis and being the only survivor. I'm not implying Army Dad fought and killed the Nazi's by himself, but that would've been much cooler.

Army Dad is left roaming the desert until some nomads find him and put him on a camel and take him to The Shiek. The Shiek and some chick (Coming to CBS THIS Fall!) nurse Army Dad back to health. Army Dad has an obvious boner for the Chick and I'm reminded that Robert is really learning all this through his dad's journal, so he could probably stop here.

"And then Robert's Mom tore off her clothes, exposing her glistening naked body. I tore off my robe, fully erect. I slowly went up to her and penetrated her-"
"Ok, thanks Dad!"

Long story short, Robert's Dad boned the chick, got her pregnant and she died giving birth to Robert. When his dad came back for another quickie, he finds out she died and is now a father. Isn't that always the way? That's why I don't keep in touch with my ex's.

So Robert now knows there's $6 Million dollars in some Oasis and it's up to him and suddenly his friends to find it!

Burly Guy and his crew arrive there and before you think "oh snap! Burly Guy is going to fight Robert for the money but the zombies get in the way!" don't, cause it don't happen. Within an hour of Burly Guy and his crew showing up, the zombies SLOWLY (I do mean SLOOOOOOOWLY) appear and eat all the crew. They only bite Burly Guy and he somehow drives away.

Robert and his friends show up wherever this is and meet a film crew. Why they team up with the film crew is a mystery. But one of the film crew is Susan, who catches the eyes of one of Robert's friends. I'm gonna stop here to point out two things:
1. The dialouge gets passive aggressive at times. There were lines like "I was looking for you!" "Well here I am!" and "This is a very old house!" "Well enjoy it now!!" Like jeez, what's your problem?
2. One of Robert's friend is named Ackmed. I just like pointing that out.

So Robert and his friends tag along with the film crew and they end up at some place where Burly Guy showed up, screaming about walking dead, then he dies. They burn his body before he turns into a zombie. So another thing about this movie, whenever someone is bit by a zombie, they don't get turned into one. That ruins THAT fun.

Robert finds the Shiek, who's now wearing a fake mustache, and the Shiek tells him where the Oasis is. Despite not wanting ANYONE to go there. Alrighty. Well, I'm kinda glad he told them. This movie was dragging. I came for some god damn zombie action! Fuck!

Robert and his friends find the Oasis and there they find the film crew. Most of them are dead. Only Susan and her Professor (I don't know why the Professor was with the film crew either) are somewhat alive. Actually what happened was Robert's friend who wants to bone Susan finds her, looking like she's dead. They ask if she's alive and they say "I don't know!"

VERY next scene, they're all laughing and Susan is walking around saying "If you don't find your treasure by tomorrow, I'm leaving!" and laughing as well. Well, I guess she is OK. So there are scenes of Robert and his friends digging for the treasure and...where are the fucking zombies?

All the other times, whenever anyone THOUGHT about stepping foot in this oasis, the zombies appeared and munched on people. These jackasses are here for like a weekend and they don't show up? The hell? Oh and get this scene. So Robert's friend, let's call him Dave, and Susan are about to get it on in their tent. Dave AND Susan are naked and they're kissing and whatnot. Then suddenly Dave goes "I gotta go back with my friends."

WHAT?!? Dude, you are SO FUCKING STUPID! You got a NAKED CHICK in your fucking tent and you say "I gotta go back with my friends". WHAT? WHY? It's night time! Nothing is happening! Ackmed is just sitting around smoking and staring at sand, which is what we do as well for 10 fucking minutes in this movie! Fuck Susan already! Jesus!!

Eventually, the zombies appear and they attack Ackmed! NO! NOT ACKMED! He was the best character! He wore a fez! He smoked! He said the "enjoy it now!" line! He can't die!!!




Another question I have is this: The zombies, when they rise to attack, are always coming out from the ground. They've risen and attacked before so who's burying them under the sand when they're done? Are they burying each other? What about the zombie that's left? Does he just sit by a tree? I don't get it.

They didn't even try. This guy is clearly just wearing a skeleton mask.

Whatever. Let's wrap this up.

So zombies appear. But it's too fucking dark to see anything. Literally the last 10 minutes of this movie is just darkness. From the lines being shouted, I figured out that if they make a huge fire the zombies will stop attacking. While making said fire, they attacked some people. Who, exactly, I'm not sure. But the fire gets made and the zombies just stand there...until the sun comes up. Then they simply vanish. Ugh, that was anti-climatic.

Robert and his girlfriend (I'm assuming it was his girlfriend) are the only ones alive. The Shiek finds them and he shows them how to get back to civilization. And...that's it.

This movie was slow as hell. The only parts I did like was when the zombies attacked but that only happened like 3 times. Way to barely feature any zombies in your zombie movie, asshole. If you must see every zombie movie, or even Nazi zombie movie, then I'll recommend this. Otherwise you can just skip it. You're not missing much.


-Jason

PS: This movie made me think of this:


Man, I made a lot of music references in this review.

Jason Made A Video #7

Zombie Month: Dead Snow

Yay! My friend Maria has written a review for Zombie Month! She's one of my favorites. Let's hope Adam joins in soon. (No offense to anyone else. You ALL are winners! Gold stars all around!)



(By Maria)
Norway, Nazis, zombies.

These are things that don’t normally go well together. That’s what we have in "Dead Snow", a skiing vacation gone horribly wrong. And a lesson, if your vacation seems a little too much like the beginning of a horror movie it’s probably a good time to check into a nice hotel instead.

A group of Norwegian college students are spending their break up at one of their friend’s cabins in the mountains. It’s a little out of the way and there’s no cell phone signal and I’m pretty sure that no one knows there up there. One of them even remarks how this is just like the beginning of Evil Dead. He’s the movie nerd whose name is probably the Norwegian version of Jason.

Joining Jason of Norway we have the handsome hero type male, Vegard, the smarter male with glasses, Martin, the tough chick with dreadlocks, Hanna, the smart female and the nervous ditzy woman who doesn’t know everyone so well and the weasely guy.

The trouble begins when a crazy mountain man visit the cabin looking for coffee. He sits alone on one couch while they sit on the other together. He tells them the story of how the townspeople nearby got so sick of the Nazis coming to their town and rampaging and pillaging that they ganged up on them and killed them horribly. Then they threw the Nazis’ bodies out onto the fjord. Oh and you should probably start worrying about that one friend of yours that hasn’t shown up yet.

In the morning Vegard goes out in the snowmobile to find Sara, his girlfriend, who decided to ski to the cabin and hasn’t shown up yet. We all know she’s dead because we saw her get killed at the very beginning of the movie. But this way the other friends don’t have a snowmobile to escape! Vegard happens upon the creepy guy from last night. He’s dead, frozen and he’s intestines are no longer in his body.

Meanwhile at the cabin Norway Jason finds a box filled with jewelry, coins and medals with swastikas on them. They immediately start thinking they’ve found a treasure and start playing dress up. Jason has to go and right after he’s done going number two the ditzy girl goes in the outhouse and starts boinking him! How romantic! Little do they know that outside there’s a point of view monster. Ditzy girl is left alone in the outhouse and she, of course, is the first victim of Nazi zombie wrath! Everyone else is left in the cabin barricading the doors with furniture and screaming and crying. Norway Jason stands a little too close to an open window and his death is particularly gruesome.

The next morning it’s decided that the men will distract the zombies while the women run down the mountain to get the car. Vegard has fallen into a hole where he finds a collection of heads. One of them happens to be Sara’s! Vegard manages to fight off one zombie just as another one pops out of the snow. He is not having a good day.

The zombies start picking of our heroes one by one. The pretty blond woman manages to blow a couple up with a grenade while the dreadlocked woman hides in a tree. A stupid bird gives her away and the zombies get her too. Meanwhile the men are back in the cabin. They are trying to fight the zombies off with Molotov cocktails and of course manage to set the cabin on fire. They find the tool shed and they’re saved!

They’ve got big knives and a sledgehammer and a chainsaw! They’ll be fine. The zombies keep coming and they slice through them with the chainsaw like butter. It looks like they just might make it! But there’s a whole battalion of Nazi zombies coming over the mountain. Meanwhile Vegard has been busy! He’s been sewing his neck back together with fishing line and killing zombies with his snowmobile. Eventually there are just too many zombies for him to handle and they get the best of him too.

It looks like the Nazi zombie commander is getting pretty sick of the shenanigans and starts taking matters into his own hands. Hey maybe if you kill the head Nazi zombie the rest will go back to sleep! Or does that only work with vampires? One of the men has been bitten so he saw off his own arm with a chainsaw! He takes one swipe to get through a whole zombie but 30 seconds to get through an arm. Just as he’s done the deed a zombie pops out of the snow and bites him on the wiener! Yes, really. He considers using the chainsaw on that but decides against it.

Aw, crap. Ten thousand more zombies pop out of the snow and the men decide it’s time to start running away. And we’re down to one last guy, the smart one with glasses. He’s got one arm and a bit off wiener and he’s covered with blood, but he just might make it.

Nope, fooled you. Cue Norwegian death metal.

It’s your pretty typical zombie movie. And I think it’s meant to be. Well made though and nice and gory. It did have a couple things taken straight out of "Shaun of the Dead". I did like how there were really only three colors in the movie, red, white and black. All the red blood looked great against the white snow. Maybe I’m just artsy fartsy like that.



If YOU want to see your name in lights, then buy some lights. If you want to see something you wrote on this blog, however, you can watch a zombie movie, then write up a little something-something and send it to me at invasionofthebmovies at gmail dot com and I'll post it! Don't be scared! It's fun! WEEEE!!
-Jason

New Review/Zombie Month: Poultrygeist

Troma at its finest.

Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead

Enjoy!
-Jason

B-Movie Meatloaf/Zombie Month: Trick R Treat

Yeah, I'm grouping them together. There's zombies in this movie. There's a shitload of other things too like werewolves, vampires, serial killers, and ancient legends taking the form of a walking pumpkin to strike down upon thee with great vengence and FURRRIOUS ANGER to anyone who hates Halloween.

But I'm getting ahead of myself here.


Apparently this movie was made by some GOOD people, like Bryan Singer and stars GOOD people like Dylan Baker and Anna Paquin. Throw me for a loop! The thing about this movie is it was slated to be in theaters but it was just quietly put on DVD. Kinda sad cause it's a good movie.

So something you should know about this movie is there's a bunch of stories happening. It's sort of like an anthology movie but they're all mashed together in some sorta way. It's kinda neat actually. Just to help my poor memory and not make this the most confusing review ever, I'll seperate all the stories and tell you how they intertwine. Deal? Deal.

#1: The Story of the Bitchy Lady
The movie starts with a couple coming home. The Wife hates Halloween, so much so that even before it turns Midnight, she's taking down all the awesome Halloween decorations. The Husband wants to get it on but the bitch is busy taking shit down so he watches their sex tape. I can't imagine the amount of booze it took to convince her to do that.

So she's taking shit down when we get a Michael Meyers-like POV of someone-or someTHING-running around her. Something attacks her under a cover and soon she's dead. The Husband jerked himself off to sleep so when he wakes up he finds her body hanging in the tree, like a Halloween decoration.

#2: The Story of The Serial Killer Who Played A Pedo In A Previous Movie

Dylan Baker must be some crazy guy. He CHOSE to take the role of a pedofile in "Happiness" and now here he's a principal who's a serial killer. He poisons the candy and when a kid eats one and dies in his lap (seriously) Principal Pedo drags the body to the backyard to bury it.

While in the backyard, hijinx ensue. The Neighbor's Dog (coming up later) is barking at him and The Neighbor yells at the dog and then at The Principal. Later, The Principal is finished burying the body and he's planted a tree. This makes sense for a reason but I don't wanna be responsible for serial killers going around doing this so I won't say why.

While The Principal was burying the body, his kid kept shouting at him about carving a pumpkin. The Principal, don't forget he's a serial killer, goes into the house and you THINK he's going to kill the kid. But nope. He's actually got some dude's head on a table. And he's showing his kid how to be a serial killer. Aww!!!

#3: The Story of Anna Paquin

Anna Paquin and her friends are shopping for slutty Halloween costumes. Well, her friends get the slutty costumes. Anna Paquin gets Little Red Riding Hood. No clevage for Anna, I guess. The slutty friends all head out to some party in the woods while Anna is left alone. She needs to find a guy. Somewhere in the middle of this story, there's some guy in black leather with vampire fangs who killed some chick but nobody helped her (including Bitchy Wife from the beginning, see this story is happening earlier) so she died and blended in with the other non-dead dead people.

Ok so Anna Paquin is looking for a guy but one of her slutty friends (might've been her slutty sister actually) found a guy for her: a guy in a giant baby outfit. Nice. So Anna is on her way when the Leather Vampire finds her and bites her. Oh but there's a twist. A few in fact.

1. The Leather Vampire? Is Principal Pedo from earlier!
2. Anna kicked the Principal's ass.
3. She didn't take a self defense class: She's a motherfucking werewolf!


I know that Anna Paquin is on that show "True Blood" and I'm sure all the True Blood tards are gonna make some joke or reference to all this so I'll let them do it. (Looking forwards to Nick's comment the most.)

Alright, so the whole "need to find a guy thing" was just a thing the werewolves in this group (btw all the werewolves are all the hot girls in this town. Go fucking figure) and Anna Paquin never killed before so "this is her first time". Hm, her first time is with a pedo. AND she's Little Red Riding Hood. SYMBOLISM!

So Principal Pedo is eaten.

#4: The Story About The Kids Who Tell A Story About Kids
This story kinda took awhile and was really my favorite up until the last story. So a bunch of kids with names like, I don't know, Bieber, Cody, Fresh, and Macy. (I remember the one girl named Macy cause I was like "So I guess her mom likes to shop or something"). Anyway, the kids are trick or treating AND collecting pumpkins for something. They are a few short so they stop at this one girl's house name Ronda who's like the little girl version of "Rain Man". Ronda made all these neat pumpkins and she agreed to give them some. AND she gets to tag along to whatever it is they're doing.


So they go out to this rock quarry and there Macy tells the story on what happened at this quarry. Thirty years ago all the towns crazy messed up kids were going to a secret school out of town and they were being driven by some bus driver. One day the parents paid the driver to take them to the quarry. The driver stops at the quarry and starts giving the kids candy. One of the kids freaks out and breaks out of his chains (cause all the kids were chained) and tries to start the bus to go home. He manages to get it moving...forward...into the quarry. There, the kids died but the bus driver escaped...

So Macy and her friends are here to put 8 pumpkins down in the water in the quarry to honor them or whatever. Macy, Bieber, and Cody go down first, leaving Fresh and Ronda to come down last. Fresh and Ronda go down last and they hear the other three screaming, then silence. Ronda decides to check it out and she finds the bus sticking out of the lake. Soon, Fresh is screaming and ZOMG ZOMBIE RETARDS!! MORE ZOMBIE RETARDS!! They're eating Fresh and they chase Ronda. Ronda screams and runs and trips and falls and splits her head open.



Oh. It was a joke. Macy, Bieber and Cody were all pulling a joke on Ronda. Why I don't know. But not finding it funny anymore, they decide to leave when...THE REAL ZOMBIE RETARDS SHOW UP! So they attack the pranksters and Ronda just kinda leaves them to be eaten as she goes back up.

#5: The Story of Sam

Throughout all the stories, we kept seeing this kid with a big head with a potato sack over it's head, looking like some demented Raggidy Andy doll. He was just standing there, looking on, dragging his candy. So we kinda get some info on this kid in this story.

We focus on The Principal's neighbor. He doesn't like Halloween. He lives alone with his dog and he just shuffles around, drinking. Soon, something breaks in and starts doing trick or treat pranks on him like egging his house and killing his dog and using the dog's blood to write fucked up shit on the walls. The Neighbor grabs his gun and goes after this thing and soon it's revealed to be the kid with the giant head. According to the imdb.com trivia, this kid's name is Sam. It's not said in the story but the people that made this movie wrote a short story involving this kid.




Oh and it's not really a kid. It's really a walking pumpkin. The Neighbor shoots at him and it looks like it's dead but it's not. Soon he starts pulling hismelf together and is about to kill the Neighbor when Sam finds a candy bar on The Neighbor. Taking this as a gesture of good will, Sam leaves the Neighbor to live and leaves.

Now the Neighbor knows better so he celebrates Halloween by giving out candy. Oh and the Neighbor? He's the bus driver from the other story. Yep. I think M. Night secretly wrote this. So The Neighbor/Driver sees Sam standing there when Sam sets his sights on the Bitchy wife and hears her anti-Halloween rants and well...you know.

So Sam is suppose to be like the embodiment of Halloween. If you hate Halloween or fuck it up, Sam will kill you. Thankfully, I celebrate Halloween every year. So I won't be visited by Sam.

I fuckin' loved this movie. It was awesome. I loved how the stories kinda weaved together. It all made sense. The acting was great. The effect were awesome. Gah, it's like...NOT a b-movie. I didn't know that! Oh well. It's too late to pick another movie for the Meatloaf so this will be the one GOOD movie, I guess.

-Jason

Zombie Link Love #2

I know I only produced three reviews. More are coming. Plus a few people who said they'll write something up need to...write something up. In the meantime, to get your zombie fix, here are some links, including some from yours truly!

Our friend over at "Acheter et entretenir sa tronconneuse" (The Chainsaw site) gives us "The Horde".

Allison at My Film Habit returns with her review of "Black Sheep".

Nolahn's double feature zombie reviews are "Hell of the Living Dead" and "I Am Omega". One of those is an Asylum movie. Probably never guess which one.

And some from me are:
I Was A Teenage Zombie
The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies
And of course, motherfuckin' Dead Alive

Ok, that's it for now. When I get some more in, I'll share them. You know you can join in on this, right? Sure ya do!
-Jason

Jason Made A Video #6: Lights Out

The power goes out.
-Jason

Zombie Month: Survival of the Dead

What's worse than a bad zombie movie? A bad BORING zombie movie. Ugh. "George A. Romero's Survival of the Dead" is a bad boring zombie movie. So bad that I'm not gonna spend too much time talking about it.

There's a guy I didn't talk about in "Diary of the Dead" who stopped the students in the RV. He was a National Guard and he pretty much stole all the supplies they got from the black militants. Well, "Survival" focuses on that guy. His name is Sarge. He was in the National Guard when the zombie outbreak started. He decided he had enough of that shit and went AWOL. After stealing the kids supplies (we revisit this footage), it's now 6 days later.

On Plum Island off of Delaware, a whole shitload of Irish people are dealing with the zombies. One dude named Patrick wants to kill the zombies but another dude named Seamus wants to keep them around. This disagreement, plus the fact that Seamus has more guns, causes Seamus to exhile Patrick onto the mainland. Some people go with him but some of his posse stay behind, including his daughter Jenny.

Flashforward to six weeks later. Sarge and what's left of his AWOL team: Baldy, Tomboy (A lesbian chick), and Cisco, a mexican, are roaming around. They find some hillbillies hunting zombies and they soon take care of the hillbillies and the zombies. They come across The Kid, a kid, and he tags along.

After finding an armor truck full of money, they drive away. Kid finds a video from Patrick telling them to visit him at the Harbor and he'll send them to Plum Island. Turns out this is just a way for Patrick to rob unsuspecting people trying to escape from the zombies. He sends them to the Island still, but without any valuables.

Sarge is like "Fuck that" and he fights back. After some explosions, Patrick is left and he gets on the Ferry going to Plum Island. They arrive and find most of the islanders are zombies chained up to farm equipment and mailboxes. Patrick's daughter is dead and she spends her dead days riding a horse.

Ok, yada yada yada, Cisco drank zombie blood and Tomboy kills him. Seamus and his men capture Tomboy. Patrick rounds up his former posse. And it basically turns into "The Irish Version of the Hatfields and the McCoys with Zombies". There's been a fued between Seamus and Patrick for years and this zombie crap isn't helping any.

Seamus is trying to get the zombies to eat something besides humans but it's not working. Seamus is kind of a dick, keeping his zombie wife chained to the kitchen. The odd thing is, much of the movie they want us to be unsure who is right, Patrick or Seamus. But Seamus is clearly the bad guy, what with his big black cowboy hat and chaining his wife to the kitchen. I dunno, I was falling asleep.

Ok so, Sarge and what's left of his team (Baldy got shot), team up with Patrick and there's a shootout. Seamus releases all the zombies he's captured and a full out zombie war breaks out. Soon enough, both Seamus and Patrick end up dead. Jenny is shot after she makes a breakthrough: zombies WILL eat horses. I guess they were that hungry.

Sarge, Tomboy, and Kid get back on the ferry and leave with the money. Now Seamus and Patrick are zombies dueling it out forever and ever. Ugh. It's over with.



I'm sorry, this just sucked. This is WAY worse than "Diary of the Dead". I couldn't maintain any interest and I just didn't care. I kinda wanted Tomboy to turn straight but that wasn't happening. Oh well. Avoid this one at all costs.

-Jason

Zombie Month: Diary of the Dead

Every fucking time, it happens. There's a character in a movie named Jason and he's either weird, psycho, a killer, or a giant douchebag. "George A. Romero's Diary of the Dead" is no exception. Here, a guy named Jason is a giant douche. I should start a cause or something.

So this movie apparently got a lot of notoriety for being bad. Like BAAAAAD! Like people got violently upset over this movie. Me being 1. A bad movie watcher 2. A zombie movie fan and 3. someone that likes to punish myself, I decided to check out how bad it is. And I just went and bought it. Cause, fuck it. I own "Battlefield Earth". Let's stink up my movie collection, I say!

The gimmick for this movie is the entire movie falls in the hand held "P.O.V" category as we're watching the events of a zombie outbreak unfold. We start off with a newsreporter getting eaten by the first zombies (I guess) and soon it spreads like wildfire.

We get a voiceover from a chick named Debra saying the following movie we're watching was made buy a guy named Jason and this movie is called "The Death of Death". Creative title, asshole.



We then go on set of some cheap student film monster movie about a mummy attacking, I dunno, a Medievel princess. The chick, Tracy, is from Texas so a Texan Medievel Princess. Nice movie, asshole.

Sorry. His name is Jason and he's a dick. Ugh.

Anyway. On set in the woods they hear the news about the zombie outbreak (I do wanna point out now that the "zed" word is never mentioned in the movie, much like any other Romero zombie movie. Before anyone asks.) and the dude playing the mummy Ridley takes a hot chick named Francine and says "DEUCE! I'm going to my mansion!" He invites people to come along but no one goes with. Party with a rich dude and a hot chick? FUCK YEAH! But no one goes for some reason so whatever.

At this point Jason decides to glue the camera to his fucking face and make this zombie outbreak documentary and he has everyone introduce themselves. We meet Mary, a quiet chick who's driving the giant RV, Gordo (Really? Gordo?) Tracy's boyfriend, Eliot, the nerdy guy who would probably be me in this situation, Tony some weird quiet guy who starts off as the asshole, and finally the Professor. The Professor is the type of Professor who's hardcord British, loves Chauncer, and nothing beats a good burbon in the morning.

It then goes into "The Road Adventures of College Students Through A Zombie Outbreak" as the RV travels to different points in Pennsylvania. First they're trying to get to Debra's parents house to check in on them. On the way, she and Jason fight cause all he wants to do with film stuff.

Now, I get what he's going for. If I had a camera, I'd be doing the same thing. At the same time, I know when to film stuff and when to put the camera down and help out when my friends are being attack by zombies.

First, Mary runs over some dead dudes but she feels guilty about this so she tries to kill herself. She failed so they take her to a hospital where some staffers try to attack them. Mary eventually dies and becomes a zombie so Gordo has to kill her. Gordo kinda gets into the killing (a bit too much actually) but the Professor calms him down and gives the gun to Tony. Yeah, he's more of a sane person.



Next their RV breaks down and they meet a nice Amish dude named Samuel. Tracy, cause she's from Texas, knows how to fix a gasline and does so. Zombies attack, gasline is fixed, Samuel is attacked but he does the coolest thing in the entire movie: he shoves a scythe through his own head until it goes through the zombie's head. It's fucking great!




Then they need gas so they stake out a gas station when some militant black dudes show up with rifles bigger than me. Everyone eventually cools down and we come to find out the black dudes are taking their land back. (Their words, not mine.) They stockpiled a bunch of shit, especially gas. The lead black dude agrees to give them gas and supplies.

After one of the black dude's guys becomes undead and they kill him with acid (another pretty cool scene), they leave for Debra's parents house. There, she finds her parents and little brother dead and undead. The Professor, armed with a bow and arrow kill the parents. Debra takes all this ok and they decide to head to Ridley's place, which he promised was a fortress.



They arrive at his mansion and find the door open and Ridley acting fucking weird. Elliot goes upstairs to take a shower and Tracy goes to change clothes (she spent this entire movie with a corset cause she was still a Texan medevil wench). Debra and Tony learn that Ridley's parents and the house staff became zombies and attacked Francine. Ridley did the only thing he could do: he put them in a swimming pool. I'm not even fucking kidding.



I...don't know why. Tony sees that Ridley was bitten and soon enough he turns into a zombie and attacks Elliot. Outside, Jason proves he's a ROYAL dick by not helping Tracy unload the RV but instead films her doing so. Why are you filming this? This is the stupidest thing in the world to put in your movie. Just put the damn camera down and help her unload.

Eventually, Ridley shambles into screen and starts chasing Tracy, which looks like the opening scene when we met these two. Tracy eventually kills Ridley and says "don't mess with Texas!" and steals the RV and leaves the movie. Um, ok then.

Inside Ridley's house is a panic room so everyone agrees to hide out in there until this blows over. Jason wants to film everyone but he's attacked by Ridley. I guess Tracy didn't kill him. So much for Texas. (No offense, Nick.)

They eventually kill Ridley and Debra kills Jason before he turns into a zombie. Soon, everyone hides out in the panic room. Debra is editing Jason's movie. And outside the panic room the zombies break in...

There's one last shot of rednecks hunting the zombies. There's a pretty cool scene where they tied one chick up on a tree by her hair, then shoot her so only the top of her head is left hanging there, still "alive". And that's it. I think this is social commentary but whatever.



Truthfully, and I'm gonna be burned on the stake for saying this, I didn't think this movie was THAT bad. It's not the best zombie movie. It's not the best Romero movie. But for what it is, it wasn't too bad. I didn't find it irritating like everybody else on the fucking planet found it. Granted, Jason got on my nerves so maybe that had something to do with it. I don't know. It's just kinda whatever to me.


-Jason

Zombie Link Love #1

As part of Zombie Month, I asked people who ran websites to post their zombie reviews on their site and just send me the link. A few have sent some in so I'll share them here for you.

Allison (All Is On? Turn my All Is Off!-Strong Bad) from My Film Habit wrote about "Fido", which I took on earlier this year myself. Her review is much more better than mine so here it is.

Our friend Ghidorah over at "Acheter et entretenir sa tronconneuse" (You'll have to ask him, I vaguely remember what that means. I know the last word is Chainsaw.) likes doing the obscure and I love reading about the obscure so here's review on "Evilution"

My podcasting partner Nolahn seems to love him some zombie movies. Not only did he challenge me with TWO zombie movies, but he sent me a big ol' email with a bunch of reviews of zombie films, so you'll get two from him here. Here's "Astro-Zombies" and "Black Sheep"

And finally, this video from the CinemaObsessed.com gals. If you don't know anything about them, you're missing out. They're an interesting bunch. Anyway, here's their "review" of "Resident Evil: Afterlife":



And that's it. If YOU have a website/blog and want to join in, it's so fucking easy. Just watch a zombie movie, and do up a review about it, then post it and send me the link. You can email the link to "invasionofthebmovies at gmail dot com".

And if you DON'T have a website, you can still join in on the fun. Just watch the movie, write it up, then send me the write up and I'll post it here! Fun and shit! Same email address! Yay!

Thanks to everyone who sent stuff in!
-Jason

30 Days of Crazy: The Shining

(Note: This review was part of Blog Cabin's 30 Days of Crazy. I said I'd do The Shining, only cause it was on the last day and I knew I was gonna be lazy this month. Thankfully, my laziness played a huge part in the writing of this review. Enjoy!)

Based on a true story...



The Shining.

The Shining, The Shining, The Shining, The Shining.

The Shining.

The Shining was at first a novel by Stephen King, which I've read and enjoyed. Then Stanley Kubrick decided to turn it into a movie. And that movie is what I'm talking about now.

Ok, let's be honest. It's the fucking "Shining". Everybody seen the fucking "Shining". Even anti-horror people like Dylan here seen "The Shining". What could I possibly say about it? It's a classic movie with great performances.

But I was not about to flake out on this review. Dylan is counting on me, and dammit, I must get a 300 or more word article about "The Shining" to him. So while looking at the DVD and the release year (the '70's), I had an idea.

I'm about 30 years old, give or take. Of course I'm gonna love "The Shining". But what does the youth of today think? I decided to go out onto the streets and grab two random teenagers. And they are over 18. Cause anyone younger kinda freaked out when I ran up to them and said "You must come to my place so I can show you something old!" Didn't help I forgot to put a shirt on.

So I got two guys named Brent and Tyler.

Brent (Left) and Tyler (Right)

They are 18 years old. I sat them down and they watched The Shining. Afterwards I simply asked them "Tell me, in your own words, what you just saw." The following is what they said, word for word.

Brent: "So, like, this movie starts off and I thought it was like a drama or something. Cause it's about this dude-who played that dude?"

Tyler: "Jack Nichol-something."

Brent: "Oh. He's that golfer guy, right? Anyway. He was a drunk but now he's not and he gets a job to live in a hotel for a year or something."

Tyler: "Dude! Is that an actual job? Can you really just live in a empty hotel for a year?"

Brent: "I don't know but we should get that job. Just live in a hotel, party, and drink! WOO!!!"

Tyler: "Anyway, like, I guess this Jack guy is a hipster cause he had a typewriter. Why he didn't bring his computer is confusing."

Brent: "Well, duh. Computers were, like, huge back in like the 60's or whenever this movie happened! They had to leave them at home. Plus I doubt they got wifi up in the mountains."

Tyler: "'ight, 'ight. So Jack is married to this skinny chick, I think she was a model-"

Brent: "Yeah, dude, she was a judge on America's Next Top Model. Twiggy or something. Bree watches it."



Tyler: "Oh. Well, so Jack, Twiggy, and this kid named Danny all live in this hotel. And Danny he's like psychic or something cause he can read the thoughts of this old black dude."

Brent: "Yeah. And not a whole lot happens in the first hour of this movie. Just Jack writing, Twiggy being skinny, and Danny riding this weird bike thing."

Tyler: "But then, he comes across twins! And they came out of fuckin' nowhere, dude!"



Brent: "It was intense!"

Brent & Tyler (Singing): Double girls alll the way across the hall!!!!

Tyler: "They talked and it turns out...they're fucking ghosts!"

Brent: "Yeah, and this entire hotel is haunted! There's ghosts all over the place! And Jack is talking to them like they're still alive. Danny keeps seeing them. The only one who didn't was Twiggy."

Tyler: "Probably cause she was too skinny. When you're hungry, you can't see ghosts, dude."

Brent: "Tru dat, tru dat. Oh, so winter arrives and Jack is going crazy or something. He walks around. More ghosts. Twiggy is skinny. Danny talks in this demon voice. It's all kinda slow. Then, fuckin' Jack goes into this hotel room."

Tyler: "Oh dude. That scene, man. That chick was all hot at first. Then she turned into Kathy Bates! I guess this was before that one movie where she got naked in that hot tub with that guy. What was his name?"

Brent: "I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, man. Anyway, so Kathy Bates is a ghost and she's all rotting and shit and this freaked me out. Then it got boring again. I was like "Dude, why do you bore us for an hour, scare us for 5 seconds, then bore us again? The fuck kind of horror movie is this?"

Tyler: "Yeah, dude. Like where were all the scenes of cats scaring people or it only being a dream! That's a fuckin' horror movie right there!

Brent: "More stuff happened and a bunch of blood came from an elevator. Jack just loses his shit and-oh dude! The Simpson's did this movie! Remember? Homer was like out of beer and shit so he went crazy! I thought this movie seemed familar!"

Tyler: "Ohh, yeah. That episode was funny. This movie...not as much."

Brent: "There was an interesting chase scene through some bushes."

Tyler: "No, dude, you forgot something. Danny psychically calls the old black dude and the old black dude spends half the movie driving to this hotel in a blizzard and the moment he walks into the hotel, he gets fuckin' stabbed. Like mothafuckin KA-BAM! In the FUCKING CHEST! I mean, Jesus, what a fucking waste of time!"

Brent: "The ending I didn't really understand. Ok so Jack is chasing Danny around the bushes with an ax. Danny and Twiggy reunite and they kinda leave. Jack is just frozen and we get a picture of Jack back in like some olden time. Like 1980 or some shit. So...did he time travel? Is that what happened?"

Tyler: "Dude! He froze himself...backwards! That's so awesome!"

Brent: "So is this movie going to be remade? That 'Transformers' guy could remake this movie! And get Justin Bieber to play Danny!"

Tyler: "Dude, Bieber would so kill in this role!"

Brent: "Anyway, that was this boring ass movie. Where's our money?"

So I paid them in 200 Twitter Bucks (That's a real thing, right?). Goes to show you what this generation knows.

For real, "The Shining" is pretty good. Brilliantly acted and filmed. And it is creepy as hell. If you honestly haven't seen this movie, and you're over the age of 25, then do yourself a favor and watch this movie. You won't regret it.

-Jason

The Soto List: Top 10 Satan/Devil Movies

I haven't done a list in forever. But I was looking at my post count and I saw that fuckin' A, man, this is post 666. Mu ha ha ha!! \m/



So I think this is a good time to tick off some movies involving the devil and Satan in some way shape or form. If you're a holy person, you should probably fuck off for this one post. Then go back to pouring holy water at your computer screen tomorrow.

10. Santa Claus-In this late 50's movie from Mexico, Satan sends one of his devils Pitch to Earth to put a stop to and/or kill Santa Claus. That is seriously the plot of this movie. We did a Mass Invasion of it a few Christmases ago.

9. Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey-In this sequel, Bill and Ted totally die and in one of the most interesting filmed scenes I've seen, they end up in Hell and meet the BIG Red Guy himself. He isn't too impressed with them so he sends them to their own personal hells.

8. Tenacious D In The Pick of Destiny-I don't care, I fuckin' love this movie! The rock duo Tenacious D goes on a quest to find a guitar pick that's made from Satan's horn. At the end of the movie Satan appears to do battle. It's a great scene and a very underrated movie.

7. South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut-Since we're in the comedy realm, the animated musical movie of "South Park" features Satan getting fucked by Saddam Hussien, then eventually trying to return to Earth. To think, a song from this movie got nominated for an Oscar.

6. Oh God! You Devil-I haven't seen this movie in FOREVER. All I remember is some musican sells his soul to the Devil (George Burns) to be famous and he gets his wish. But soon he regrets it so he needs help from God (Also George Burns). I know it's a sequel to Oh God! with John Denver and I'll need to see it again soon to refresh my memory. But as a kid, I loved this movie. That probably says a lot about me as a kid.

5. Little Nicky-To round out the comedies, Adam Sandler is Nicky, the son of the Devil (Harvey Keitel). Nicky's older, meaner brothers want to take over Earth and it's up to Nicky to stop them. The movie isn't as great as Sandler's other films, but I enjoy it on a guilty pleasure level.

4. Constantine-I only seen this movie once, so I'll need to see it again to get a feel on what I thought of it. But Fuckin' Peter Stormare is the Devil? That's motherfucking great casting right there.

3. Devil-I liked this movie. And apparently I'm the biggest dumbass on the planet cause I seem to be the only one who was surprised on who in this movie was the Devil. I won't spoil it here but I'll say this: the person they hinted at in the trailer is NOT it.

2. Rosemary's Baby-A building full of Satan worshippers drug a chick so Satan can come to Earth to bone her with his surely 80 inch cock and proceeds to knock her up. This movie is the very definition for a slow-burn movie.

1. The Exorcist-The fuckin' king of all Satan movies. Now, people are probably gonna call me on this cause TECHICALLY Satan didn't possess Regan, it was a demon named Pszuzu or what the fuck ever. But if you ignore the shit-tastic sequel and just go by the first movie, they say it's the actual Devil. Plus this movie is pretty much the only movie in existance that scares the shit out of me. So there's that.

Looking at some lists about the Devil/Satan in movies, I was baffled by a few. Like "House of 1000 Corpses" and "The Devil's Rejects". Those movies don't even have Satan. They have a dude NAMED Dr. Satan but it's not Satan. Or I REALLY didn't understand those movies.

Also "A Haunting in Connecticut" was listed, which I saw recently and I don't recall Satan showing up in that movie. It was about dead people, ghosts, and kids that look like Robert Patterson or whatever his name is. There's also "The Omen" but it's really more about Satan's SON. Satan doesn't appear. Again, unless I REALLY didn't understand it.

For real Honorable Mentions, I'll include End of Days cause it's Arnold vs Satan but I only seen it once and I wasn't too thrilled with it so whatever. Also "Needful Things" which is a better story than movie. I know I need to see "Legend". Oh and of course "The Devil's Advocate". Al Pacino "Hoo-HA!"ing as the devil? Awesome.

Ok there ya go. 666. Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies! Rivers and seas boiling! Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanoes...The dead rising from the grave! Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together... mass hysteria! AHH!!
-Jason

PS: Sidenote and I'm not kidding here, when I went to edit this post, all kinds of weird shit kept happening. My photo editor wouldn't open. Things kept popping up. Weird, man.

New Review/Zombie Month-Retardead

My heart swelled with tears when I found this movie. I can't believe it exists.

Retardead

I couldn't think of a better way to kick off Zombie Month. Please keep coming for more Zombie goodness!
-Jason

Jason Made A Video #5

I try to keep this video short. I briefly talk about the orgins of Cokie. Then a new segment "Dramatic Facebook Reading". The reading was taken from this post at the hilarious Lamebook.com site

A quick game of Trivial Pursuit and that's it. Hope it's short enough!
-Jason

REMINDER: Zombie Blog-A-Thon Starts!

Just a reminder:
1. The Zombie Blog-A-Thon starts on October 1st!
2. This means you, yes YOU Mrs. White, can participate!
3. You can participate by watching a zombie movie then writing a review of it either on your website or blog.
4. If you don't have a website or blog, you can just send me the review and I'll post it here on The Blog.
5. You can do this anytime during the month of October.
6. Why did I number all of this? It just looks cooler.

So yeah. I can't wait. I'm sure you can't either.
-Jason

New Review: Search For The Beast

Part of the Michael Adam's 20, I take a look at:

Search For The Beast

I never want to see this movie ever again.
-Jason

Jason Made A Video #4

After arriving a week into the future, Jason talks about some purchases, then recommends a book. Then you get to see the saddest thing ever filmed, a Trivial Pursuit question, and some B-Movie Talk.
-Jason

The Lair of the Unwanted: #9-Great Apes

Jason and Nolahn take on two movies featuring apes or monkeys of some sort. First they talk about "Bela Lugosi Meets A Brooklyn Gorilla", then they move on to the Korean rip-off of King Kong simply titled "Ape".

They also discuss their Top 5 Favorite Apes/Monkeys in Pop Culture, whether it be film, TV, cartoons, video games, print, etc. Also they share some FaceBook FeedBack and talk about what they are doing individually. Jason is hosting an October Blog-A-Thon where he'll be watching zombie movies for the entire month. He also invites listeners and fans to send in a review of a bad zombie movie. Or at least a cult classic zombie movie. Nolahn, on the other hand, has been a busy bee. He spoke at a local movie premire, is hosting a TV show on Public Television, and will be hosting a B-Movie event. Man, where does he find the time!

Join in on the discussion over at the Offical FaceBook Page of The Lair of the Unwanted at www.facebook.com/thelairoftheunwanted and you can still email them at thelairunwanted@gmail.com

-Jason

Announcing: October's Blog-A-Thon!!

Sorry for the delay on this announcement. We recorded an episode of The Lair and I had other things, plus the chicken in the oven. Anyway, here we go.

If you been around these parts for awhile, you know that every October I do a blog-a-thon. First there was Halloween Fest. Then the 9 Days HE Came Home where we did all 9 Halloween movies. And last year we did Reasons Not To Have Kids Blog-A-Thon. Well, for this year, I'm gonna keep it simple and take on a sub-genre of film.

For the month of October, we shall be doing Zombie Movies! And I want YOU, yes, YOU to join in and participate! Ever wanted to see "Return of the Living Dead"? Now you can! Do you have a website or a blog? Post it up on there and send me the link! Or write the review and I'll post it here! Whatever! It just has to be a zombie movie and it has to be a b-movie or a bad movie. That's all!

This is going through the entire month, starting October 1st and it'll be on both The Site and The Blog. If you have any questions, leave a comment or email me at invasionofthebmovies at gmail dot com!
-Jason

If You Like Invasion of the B Movies

I get all kinds of email for different things. Some are people telling me about a movie they made, but I gotta go to some festival in Coldasfuck, Maine to see it. Some are people who say things like "we got this new PRODUCT that I think your readers will like. If you make an entire post saying HOW AWESOME OUR PRODUCT IS and puts ads for it all over, we'll send you 30 cents a day!" And sometimes I get things from people who do stuff outdoors. I don't know where these outdoors people get the notion that I do ANYTHING outdoors. Talk about barking up the wrong blog.

But once in a great while, something slips through the email pipeline that I actually enjoy. One such occurance occured yesterday. I got a email from a fellow named Awesome Bill and he runs a blog called Good Times with Bad Movies. And he's one hilarious motherfucker.

I only poked around his blog for a bit but his review of "Dr. Giggles" is 10 times better than mine.

I'm gonna try to encourage him to be a LAMB, but you can lead a bad movie blogger to water but you can't make him drink the PBR. Anyway. Check out this dude's site. He lives in a haunted house for Christ sakes. Give him some love.

Good Times with Bad Movies
-Jason

Coming In Two Days...

...an announcement!



So this was an announcement about an announcement. Yeah.
-Jason

Jason Made A Video: Part 3

While talking about the movie "Timecrimes", some time travel shenanagans occur.



-Jason

New Review: A Boy and his Dog

A horny Don Johnson and a telepathic dog.

A Boy and his Dog

What more could you ask for?
-Jason

Jason Made A Video Part 2: Another One

In this one, Jason discusses the number of hits in this first video, his hair (cause he's a douchebag apparently), "Urban Legend" and a song associated with it, another Trivial Pursuit question, a recent DVD Haul, and B Movie Talk about Shark Attack 3.

If you have a question for Ask Jason, send them to invasionofthebmovies at gmail dot com or leave them as a comment to this video.
-Jason

Review of the 10 Minutes I've Watched of Disaster Movie

The other night I was flipping around the channels, looking for something to watch when I came upon "Disaster Movie". I've never seen any of the Seltzer/Friedberg "spoof" movies, including "Date Movie", "Epic Movie", "Meet the Spartians", and more recently, "Vampires Suck". Out of all of them, the only interest I had was seeing "Vampires Suck" cause I fucking hate Twilight with a passion.

So I said fuck it and watch it. It was in the middle of the movie.

Now before I get into the scenes I forced myself to watch, let's dive into the history of one Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg. You wanna know what movies they worked on prior to them teaming up and shoving shit into our faces for a living?

Spy Hard
Scary Movie
Scary Movie 2 (which if you look at the Written by part on IMDB it's like a fucking mile long. Really? THAT many people wrote this movie? I love the first two "Scary Movies", don't get me wrong, but jesus.)

Then after getting some "characters created by" credits, we dive right in to "Date Movie".

Say what you will about "Spy Hard", it's probably the stupidest of the Leslie Neilsen spoof movies (I haven't seen 2001: A Space Travasty yet. I hear that one is the worst), but I like it for what it tries to do. But knowing those ass clowns were involved makes a lot of sense.

Ok, onto "Disaster Movie".

The first thing I saw was a chick in a blue dress doing break dancing movies. This turned out to be that "Enchanted Story" or whatever that movie is called with Amy Adams as a real princess. Why there was breakdancing, I have no clue. It went to three other characters, two regular dudes, and a chick who was suppose to be Juno cause she was pregnant. Juno starts breakdancing on her pregnant stomach and...that's it. That's the joke. Cause...you know...it's funny.

With the Enchanted Chick is the Prince (Not Prince, that probably would've been kinda cool) and he just kinda leaves through a sewer. Enchanted Chick hooks up with the black guy named Calvin and throughout the next 9 minutes it's revealed she's really stupid. And slutty. Laugh now.

So a tornado is touching down on the street and I'm guessing what happened was while Seltzer and Friedberg were blowing each other in their writing cabin, they looked in their newspaper and looked at all the movies that were showing in their local theater and wrote them all down.

Within two minutes, we get a scene of Hellboy walking up to the tornado, say an unfunny line, then get hit by a cow for no reason. He simply walks away. Next Iron Man walks up, says an unfunny line, and then gets hit by a cow for no reason. Next up is a regular guy who says "You wouldn't like me when I'm angry" then he turns into the Hulk for no reason and....he gets hit by two cows for no reason.

I haven't laughed yet.

The white guy named Will gets a call on his cell phone. His girlfriend Amy is trapped in a museum and needs rescuing. I guess this was suppose to be a spoof of "Cloverfield" cause Will just kept saying "We gotta get Amy!" and Calvin, Juno, and Enchanted Chick are against the idea.

Juno gets the idea to hide in this warehouse until the tornado blows over. They go in and soon they hear a noise. Soon three stuffed chipmunks appear and they start singing about Christmas. Aww, it's Alvin and the Chipmunks. And they sing...and sing...and sing...Ok so they're singing.

At some point they turn rabid and start chasing the people around. And this goes on FOR FUCKING EVER! Eventually, they attack Juno and...kill her. But before she dies, she says some Juno things like WTF hamburger phone like barf-o-matic or whatever. It's funny.

So they leave the warehouse and soon find themselves at the museum. They find Amy and free her and she tells them this is all happening because the Crystal Skull was removed from where ever. Looking at imdb I see Tony Cox plays Indiana Jones so I'm sure that scene was hilarious with it's small jokes.

Then somehow (I lost track) they get seperated and it starts turning into "Night At The Museum" and...that's when I turned it off. It was that or throw my shoe through my TV, which would've been a great excuse to buy the big screen we been wanting to buy for awhile now. I should've done that.

So yeah. Why these movies keep getting made is beyond me. They're not funny. I hate to say parts of the "Vampire Sucks" trailer made me laugh so maybe when they only focus on one movie instead of trying to parody EVERY FUCKING MOVIE THAT CAME OUT THAT YEAR.

To wrap this up, I find it funny all their titles can be turned into a negetive way to say that movie is horrible.

"THIS movie is a disaster!"
"This ISN'T an Epic Movie!"
"Vampire Sucks sucks!"
"Don't take your DATE to this MOVIE!"
"Meet The Spartans! More like Meet The...Lame...tans..."

Ok, that one doesn't work so well.
-Jason

New Poll: What Day Should Reviews Be Posted On?

My job kinda makes it difficult to have a regular posting schedule. But I been kinda neglecting the site recently so I should be able to shuffle some things around and at least have a new review ready to post on a certain day.

So I use to post on Sundays but now I have to work on Sundays (sometimes). I seem to have Wednesdays off lately, but I don't wanna step on Nolahn's toes. Not knowing what else to do, I decided to throw it out to you people. So tell me:

What Day Should I Post New Reviews On?

Thanks!
-Jason