Zombie Month: Diary of the Dead

Every fucking time, it happens. There's a character in a movie named Jason and he's either weird, psycho, a killer, or a giant douchebag. "George A. Romero's Diary of the Dead" is no exception. Here, a guy named Jason is a giant douche. I should start a cause or something.

So this movie apparently got a lot of notoriety for being bad. Like BAAAAAD! Like people got violently upset over this movie. Me being 1. A bad movie watcher 2. A zombie movie fan and 3. someone that likes to punish myself, I decided to check out how bad it is. And I just went and bought it. Cause, fuck it. I own "Battlefield Earth". Let's stink up my movie collection, I say!

The gimmick for this movie is the entire movie falls in the hand held "P.O.V" category as we're watching the events of a zombie outbreak unfold. We start off with a newsreporter getting eaten by the first zombies (I guess) and soon it spreads like wildfire.

We get a voiceover from a chick named Debra saying the following movie we're watching was made buy a guy named Jason and this movie is called "The Death of Death". Creative title, asshole.



We then go on set of some cheap student film monster movie about a mummy attacking, I dunno, a Medievel princess. The chick, Tracy, is from Texas so a Texan Medievel Princess. Nice movie, asshole.

Sorry. His name is Jason and he's a dick. Ugh.

Anyway. On set in the woods they hear the news about the zombie outbreak (I do wanna point out now that the "zed" word is never mentioned in the movie, much like any other Romero zombie movie. Before anyone asks.) and the dude playing the mummy Ridley takes a hot chick named Francine and says "DEUCE! I'm going to my mansion!" He invites people to come along but no one goes with. Party with a rich dude and a hot chick? FUCK YEAH! But no one goes for some reason so whatever.

At this point Jason decides to glue the camera to his fucking face and make this zombie outbreak documentary and he has everyone introduce themselves. We meet Mary, a quiet chick who's driving the giant RV, Gordo (Really? Gordo?) Tracy's boyfriend, Eliot, the nerdy guy who would probably be me in this situation, Tony some weird quiet guy who starts off as the asshole, and finally the Professor. The Professor is the type of Professor who's hardcord British, loves Chauncer, and nothing beats a good burbon in the morning.

It then goes into "The Road Adventures of College Students Through A Zombie Outbreak" as the RV travels to different points in Pennsylvania. First they're trying to get to Debra's parents house to check in on them. On the way, she and Jason fight cause all he wants to do with film stuff.

Now, I get what he's going for. If I had a camera, I'd be doing the same thing. At the same time, I know when to film stuff and when to put the camera down and help out when my friends are being attack by zombies.

First, Mary runs over some dead dudes but she feels guilty about this so she tries to kill herself. She failed so they take her to a hospital where some staffers try to attack them. Mary eventually dies and becomes a zombie so Gordo has to kill her. Gordo kinda gets into the killing (a bit too much actually) but the Professor calms him down and gives the gun to Tony. Yeah, he's more of a sane person.



Next their RV breaks down and they meet a nice Amish dude named Samuel. Tracy, cause she's from Texas, knows how to fix a gasline and does so. Zombies attack, gasline is fixed, Samuel is attacked but he does the coolest thing in the entire movie: he shoves a scythe through his own head until it goes through the zombie's head. It's fucking great!




Then they need gas so they stake out a gas station when some militant black dudes show up with rifles bigger than me. Everyone eventually cools down and we come to find out the black dudes are taking their land back. (Their words, not mine.) They stockpiled a bunch of shit, especially gas. The lead black dude agrees to give them gas and supplies.

After one of the black dude's guys becomes undead and they kill him with acid (another pretty cool scene), they leave for Debra's parents house. There, she finds her parents and little brother dead and undead. The Professor, armed with a bow and arrow kill the parents. Debra takes all this ok and they decide to head to Ridley's place, which he promised was a fortress.



They arrive at his mansion and find the door open and Ridley acting fucking weird. Elliot goes upstairs to take a shower and Tracy goes to change clothes (she spent this entire movie with a corset cause she was still a Texan medevil wench). Debra and Tony learn that Ridley's parents and the house staff became zombies and attacked Francine. Ridley did the only thing he could do: he put them in a swimming pool. I'm not even fucking kidding.



I...don't know why. Tony sees that Ridley was bitten and soon enough he turns into a zombie and attacks Elliot. Outside, Jason proves he's a ROYAL dick by not helping Tracy unload the RV but instead films her doing so. Why are you filming this? This is the stupidest thing in the world to put in your movie. Just put the damn camera down and help her unload.

Eventually, Ridley shambles into screen and starts chasing Tracy, which looks like the opening scene when we met these two. Tracy eventually kills Ridley and says "don't mess with Texas!" and steals the RV and leaves the movie. Um, ok then.

Inside Ridley's house is a panic room so everyone agrees to hide out in there until this blows over. Jason wants to film everyone but he's attacked by Ridley. I guess Tracy didn't kill him. So much for Texas. (No offense, Nick.)

They eventually kill Ridley and Debra kills Jason before he turns into a zombie. Soon, everyone hides out in the panic room. Debra is editing Jason's movie. And outside the panic room the zombies break in...

There's one last shot of rednecks hunting the zombies. There's a pretty cool scene where they tied one chick up on a tree by her hair, then shoot her so only the top of her head is left hanging there, still "alive". And that's it. I think this is social commentary but whatever.



Truthfully, and I'm gonna be burned on the stake for saying this, I didn't think this movie was THAT bad. It's not the best zombie movie. It's not the best Romero movie. But for what it is, it wasn't too bad. I didn't find it irritating like everybody else on the fucking planet found it. Granted, Jason got on my nerves so maybe that had something to do with it. I don't know. It's just kinda whatever to me.


-Jason

Zombie Link Love #1

As part of Zombie Month, I asked people who ran websites to post their zombie reviews on their site and just send me the link. A few have sent some in so I'll share them here for you.

Allison (All Is On? Turn my All Is Off!-Strong Bad) from My Film Habit wrote about "Fido", which I took on earlier this year myself. Her review is much more better than mine so here it is.

Our friend Ghidorah over at "Acheter et entretenir sa tronconneuse" (You'll have to ask him, I vaguely remember what that means. I know the last word is Chainsaw.) likes doing the obscure and I love reading about the obscure so here's review on "Evilution"

My podcasting partner Nolahn seems to love him some zombie movies. Not only did he challenge me with TWO zombie movies, but he sent me a big ol' email with a bunch of reviews of zombie films, so you'll get two from him here. Here's "Astro-Zombies" and "Black Sheep"

And finally, this video from the CinemaObsessed.com gals. If you don't know anything about them, you're missing out. They're an interesting bunch. Anyway, here's their "review" of "Resident Evil: Afterlife":



And that's it. If YOU have a website/blog and want to join in, it's so fucking easy. Just watch a zombie movie, and do up a review about it, then post it and send me the link. You can email the link to "invasionofthebmovies at gmail dot com".

And if you DON'T have a website, you can still join in on the fun. Just watch the movie, write it up, then send me the write up and I'll post it here! Fun and shit! Same email address! Yay!

Thanks to everyone who sent stuff in!
-Jason

30 Days of Crazy: The Shining

(Note: This review was part of Blog Cabin's 30 Days of Crazy. I said I'd do The Shining, only cause it was on the last day and I knew I was gonna be lazy this month. Thankfully, my laziness played a huge part in the writing of this review. Enjoy!)

Based on a true story...



The Shining.

The Shining, The Shining, The Shining, The Shining.

The Shining.

The Shining was at first a novel by Stephen King, which I've read and enjoyed. Then Stanley Kubrick decided to turn it into a movie. And that movie is what I'm talking about now.

Ok, let's be honest. It's the fucking "Shining". Everybody seen the fucking "Shining". Even anti-horror people like Dylan here seen "The Shining". What could I possibly say about it? It's a classic movie with great performances.

But I was not about to flake out on this review. Dylan is counting on me, and dammit, I must get a 300 or more word article about "The Shining" to him. So while looking at the DVD and the release year (the '70's), I had an idea.

I'm about 30 years old, give or take. Of course I'm gonna love "The Shining". But what does the youth of today think? I decided to go out onto the streets and grab two random teenagers. And they are over 18. Cause anyone younger kinda freaked out when I ran up to them and said "You must come to my place so I can show you something old!" Didn't help I forgot to put a shirt on.

So I got two guys named Brent and Tyler.

Brent (Left) and Tyler (Right)

They are 18 years old. I sat them down and they watched The Shining. Afterwards I simply asked them "Tell me, in your own words, what you just saw." The following is what they said, word for word.

Brent: "So, like, this movie starts off and I thought it was like a drama or something. Cause it's about this dude-who played that dude?"

Tyler: "Jack Nichol-something."

Brent: "Oh. He's that golfer guy, right? Anyway. He was a drunk but now he's not and he gets a job to live in a hotel for a year or something."

Tyler: "Dude! Is that an actual job? Can you really just live in a empty hotel for a year?"

Brent: "I don't know but we should get that job. Just live in a hotel, party, and drink! WOO!!!"

Tyler: "Anyway, like, I guess this Jack guy is a hipster cause he had a typewriter. Why he didn't bring his computer is confusing."

Brent: "Well, duh. Computers were, like, huge back in like the 60's or whenever this movie happened! They had to leave them at home. Plus I doubt they got wifi up in the mountains."

Tyler: "'ight, 'ight. So Jack is married to this skinny chick, I think she was a model-"

Brent: "Yeah, dude, she was a judge on America's Next Top Model. Twiggy or something. Bree watches it."



Tyler: "Oh. Well, so Jack, Twiggy, and this kid named Danny all live in this hotel. And Danny he's like psychic or something cause he can read the thoughts of this old black dude."

Brent: "Yeah. And not a whole lot happens in the first hour of this movie. Just Jack writing, Twiggy being skinny, and Danny riding this weird bike thing."

Tyler: "But then, he comes across twins! And they came out of fuckin' nowhere, dude!"



Brent: "It was intense!"

Brent & Tyler (Singing): Double girls alll the way across the hall!!!!

Tyler: "They talked and it turns out...they're fucking ghosts!"

Brent: "Yeah, and this entire hotel is haunted! There's ghosts all over the place! And Jack is talking to them like they're still alive. Danny keeps seeing them. The only one who didn't was Twiggy."

Tyler: "Probably cause she was too skinny. When you're hungry, you can't see ghosts, dude."

Brent: "Tru dat, tru dat. Oh, so winter arrives and Jack is going crazy or something. He walks around. More ghosts. Twiggy is skinny. Danny talks in this demon voice. It's all kinda slow. Then, fuckin' Jack goes into this hotel room."

Tyler: "Oh dude. That scene, man. That chick was all hot at first. Then she turned into Kathy Bates! I guess this was before that one movie where she got naked in that hot tub with that guy. What was his name?"

Brent: "I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, man. Anyway, so Kathy Bates is a ghost and she's all rotting and shit and this freaked me out. Then it got boring again. I was like "Dude, why do you bore us for an hour, scare us for 5 seconds, then bore us again? The fuck kind of horror movie is this?"

Tyler: "Yeah, dude. Like where were all the scenes of cats scaring people or it only being a dream! That's a fuckin' horror movie right there!

Brent: "More stuff happened and a bunch of blood came from an elevator. Jack just loses his shit and-oh dude! The Simpson's did this movie! Remember? Homer was like out of beer and shit so he went crazy! I thought this movie seemed familar!"

Tyler: "Ohh, yeah. That episode was funny. This movie...not as much."

Brent: "There was an interesting chase scene through some bushes."

Tyler: "No, dude, you forgot something. Danny psychically calls the old black dude and the old black dude spends half the movie driving to this hotel in a blizzard and the moment he walks into the hotel, he gets fuckin' stabbed. Like mothafuckin KA-BAM! In the FUCKING CHEST! I mean, Jesus, what a fucking waste of time!"

Brent: "The ending I didn't really understand. Ok so Jack is chasing Danny around the bushes with an ax. Danny and Twiggy reunite and they kinda leave. Jack is just frozen and we get a picture of Jack back in like some olden time. Like 1980 or some shit. So...did he time travel? Is that what happened?"

Tyler: "Dude! He froze himself...backwards! That's so awesome!"

Brent: "So is this movie going to be remade? That 'Transformers' guy could remake this movie! And get Justin Bieber to play Danny!"

Tyler: "Dude, Bieber would so kill in this role!"

Brent: "Anyway, that was this boring ass movie. Where's our money?"

So I paid them in 200 Twitter Bucks (That's a real thing, right?). Goes to show you what this generation knows.

For real, "The Shining" is pretty good. Brilliantly acted and filmed. And it is creepy as hell. If you honestly haven't seen this movie, and you're over the age of 25, then do yourself a favor and watch this movie. You won't regret it.

-Jason

The Soto List: Top 10 Satan/Devil Movies

I haven't done a list in forever. But I was looking at my post count and I saw that fuckin' A, man, this is post 666. Mu ha ha ha!! \m/



So I think this is a good time to tick off some movies involving the devil and Satan in some way shape or form. If you're a holy person, you should probably fuck off for this one post. Then go back to pouring holy water at your computer screen tomorrow.

10. Santa Claus-In this late 50's movie from Mexico, Satan sends one of his devils Pitch to Earth to put a stop to and/or kill Santa Claus. That is seriously the plot of this movie. We did a Mass Invasion of it a few Christmases ago.

9. Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey-In this sequel, Bill and Ted totally die and in one of the most interesting filmed scenes I've seen, they end up in Hell and meet the BIG Red Guy himself. He isn't too impressed with them so he sends them to their own personal hells.

8. Tenacious D In The Pick of Destiny-I don't care, I fuckin' love this movie! The rock duo Tenacious D goes on a quest to find a guitar pick that's made from Satan's horn. At the end of the movie Satan appears to do battle. It's a great scene and a very underrated movie.

7. South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut-Since we're in the comedy realm, the animated musical movie of "South Park" features Satan getting fucked by Saddam Hussien, then eventually trying to return to Earth. To think, a song from this movie got nominated for an Oscar.

6. Oh God! You Devil-I haven't seen this movie in FOREVER. All I remember is some musican sells his soul to the Devil (George Burns) to be famous and he gets his wish. But soon he regrets it so he needs help from God (Also George Burns). I know it's a sequel to Oh God! with John Denver and I'll need to see it again soon to refresh my memory. But as a kid, I loved this movie. That probably says a lot about me as a kid.

5. Little Nicky-To round out the comedies, Adam Sandler is Nicky, the son of the Devil (Harvey Keitel). Nicky's older, meaner brothers want to take over Earth and it's up to Nicky to stop them. The movie isn't as great as Sandler's other films, but I enjoy it on a guilty pleasure level.

4. Constantine-I only seen this movie once, so I'll need to see it again to get a feel on what I thought of it. But Fuckin' Peter Stormare is the Devil? That's motherfucking great casting right there.

3. Devil-I liked this movie. And apparently I'm the biggest dumbass on the planet cause I seem to be the only one who was surprised on who in this movie was the Devil. I won't spoil it here but I'll say this: the person they hinted at in the trailer is NOT it.

2. Rosemary's Baby-A building full of Satan worshippers drug a chick so Satan can come to Earth to bone her with his surely 80 inch cock and proceeds to knock her up. This movie is the very definition for a slow-burn movie.

1. The Exorcist-The fuckin' king of all Satan movies. Now, people are probably gonna call me on this cause TECHICALLY Satan didn't possess Regan, it was a demon named Pszuzu or what the fuck ever. But if you ignore the shit-tastic sequel and just go by the first movie, they say it's the actual Devil. Plus this movie is pretty much the only movie in existance that scares the shit out of me. So there's that.

Looking at some lists about the Devil/Satan in movies, I was baffled by a few. Like "House of 1000 Corpses" and "The Devil's Rejects". Those movies don't even have Satan. They have a dude NAMED Dr. Satan but it's not Satan. Or I REALLY didn't understand those movies.

Also "A Haunting in Connecticut" was listed, which I saw recently and I don't recall Satan showing up in that movie. It was about dead people, ghosts, and kids that look like Robert Patterson or whatever his name is. There's also "The Omen" but it's really more about Satan's SON. Satan doesn't appear. Again, unless I REALLY didn't understand it.

For real Honorable Mentions, I'll include End of Days cause it's Arnold vs Satan but I only seen it once and I wasn't too thrilled with it so whatever. Also "Needful Things" which is a better story than movie. I know I need to see "Legend". Oh and of course "The Devil's Advocate". Al Pacino "Hoo-HA!"ing as the devil? Awesome.

Ok there ya go. 666. Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies! Rivers and seas boiling! Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanoes...The dead rising from the grave! Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together... mass hysteria! AHH!!
-Jason

PS: Sidenote and I'm not kidding here, when I went to edit this post, all kinds of weird shit kept happening. My photo editor wouldn't open. Things kept popping up. Weird, man.

New Review/Zombie Month-Retardead

My heart swelled with tears when I found this movie. I can't believe it exists.

Retardead

I couldn't think of a better way to kick off Zombie Month. Please keep coming for more Zombie goodness!
-Jason

Jason Made A Video #5

I try to keep this video short. I briefly talk about the orgins of Cokie. Then a new segment "Dramatic Facebook Reading". The reading was taken from this post at the hilarious Lamebook.com site

A quick game of Trivial Pursuit and that's it. Hope it's short enough!
-Jason

REMINDER: Zombie Blog-A-Thon Starts!

Just a reminder:
1. The Zombie Blog-A-Thon starts on October 1st!
2. This means you, yes YOU Mrs. White, can participate!
3. You can participate by watching a zombie movie then writing a review of it either on your website or blog.
4. If you don't have a website or blog, you can just send me the review and I'll post it here on The Blog.
5. You can do this anytime during the month of October.
6. Why did I number all of this? It just looks cooler.

So yeah. I can't wait. I'm sure you can't either.
-Jason

New Review: Search For The Beast

Part of the Michael Adam's 20, I take a look at:

Search For The Beast

I never want to see this movie ever again.
-Jason

Jason Made A Video #4

After arriving a week into the future, Jason talks about some purchases, then recommends a book. Then you get to see the saddest thing ever filmed, a Trivial Pursuit question, and some B-Movie Talk.
-Jason

The Lair of the Unwanted: #9-Great Apes

Jason and Nolahn take on two movies featuring apes or monkeys of some sort. First they talk about "Bela Lugosi Meets A Brooklyn Gorilla", then they move on to the Korean rip-off of King Kong simply titled "Ape".

They also discuss their Top 5 Favorite Apes/Monkeys in Pop Culture, whether it be film, TV, cartoons, video games, print, etc. Also they share some FaceBook FeedBack and talk about what they are doing individually. Jason is hosting an October Blog-A-Thon where he'll be watching zombie movies for the entire month. He also invites listeners and fans to send in a review of a bad zombie movie. Or at least a cult classic zombie movie. Nolahn, on the other hand, has been a busy bee. He spoke at a local movie premire, is hosting a TV show on Public Television, and will be hosting a B-Movie event. Man, where does he find the time!

Join in on the discussion over at the Offical FaceBook Page of The Lair of the Unwanted at www.facebook.com/thelairoftheunwanted and you can still email them at thelairunwanted@gmail.com

-Jason

Announcing: October's Blog-A-Thon!!

Sorry for the delay on this announcement. We recorded an episode of The Lair and I had other things, plus the chicken in the oven. Anyway, here we go.

If you been around these parts for awhile, you know that every October I do a blog-a-thon. First there was Halloween Fest. Then the 9 Days HE Came Home where we did all 9 Halloween movies. And last year we did Reasons Not To Have Kids Blog-A-Thon. Well, for this year, I'm gonna keep it simple and take on a sub-genre of film.

For the month of October, we shall be doing Zombie Movies! And I want YOU, yes, YOU to join in and participate! Ever wanted to see "Return of the Living Dead"? Now you can! Do you have a website or a blog? Post it up on there and send me the link! Or write the review and I'll post it here! Whatever! It just has to be a zombie movie and it has to be a b-movie or a bad movie. That's all!

This is going through the entire month, starting October 1st and it'll be on both The Site and The Blog. If you have any questions, leave a comment or email me at invasionofthebmovies at gmail dot com!
-Jason

If You Like Invasion of the B Movies

I get all kinds of email for different things. Some are people telling me about a movie they made, but I gotta go to some festival in Coldasfuck, Maine to see it. Some are people who say things like "we got this new PRODUCT that I think your readers will like. If you make an entire post saying HOW AWESOME OUR PRODUCT IS and puts ads for it all over, we'll send you 30 cents a day!" And sometimes I get things from people who do stuff outdoors. I don't know where these outdoors people get the notion that I do ANYTHING outdoors. Talk about barking up the wrong blog.

But once in a great while, something slips through the email pipeline that I actually enjoy. One such occurance occured yesterday. I got a email from a fellow named Awesome Bill and he runs a blog called Good Times with Bad Movies. And he's one hilarious motherfucker.

I only poked around his blog for a bit but his review of "Dr. Giggles" is 10 times better than mine.

I'm gonna try to encourage him to be a LAMB, but you can lead a bad movie blogger to water but you can't make him drink the PBR. Anyway. Check out this dude's site. He lives in a haunted house for Christ sakes. Give him some love.

Good Times with Bad Movies
-Jason

Coming In Two Days...

...an announcement!



So this was an announcement about an announcement. Yeah.
-Jason

Jason Made A Video: Part 3

While talking about the movie "Timecrimes", some time travel shenanagans occur.



-Jason

New Review: A Boy and his Dog

A horny Don Johnson and a telepathic dog.

A Boy and his Dog

What more could you ask for?
-Jason

Jason Made A Video Part 2: Another One

In this one, Jason discusses the number of hits in this first video, his hair (cause he's a douchebag apparently), "Urban Legend" and a song associated with it, another Trivial Pursuit question, a recent DVD Haul, and B Movie Talk about Shark Attack 3.

If you have a question for Ask Jason, send them to invasionofthebmovies at gmail dot com or leave them as a comment to this video.
-Jason

Review of the 10 Minutes I've Watched of Disaster Movie

The other night I was flipping around the channels, looking for something to watch when I came upon "Disaster Movie". I've never seen any of the Seltzer/Friedberg "spoof" movies, including "Date Movie", "Epic Movie", "Meet the Spartians", and more recently, "Vampires Suck". Out of all of them, the only interest I had was seeing "Vampires Suck" cause I fucking hate Twilight with a passion.

So I said fuck it and watch it. It was in the middle of the movie.

Now before I get into the scenes I forced myself to watch, let's dive into the history of one Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg. You wanna know what movies they worked on prior to them teaming up and shoving shit into our faces for a living?

Spy Hard
Scary Movie
Scary Movie 2 (which if you look at the Written by part on IMDB it's like a fucking mile long. Really? THAT many people wrote this movie? I love the first two "Scary Movies", don't get me wrong, but jesus.)

Then after getting some "characters created by" credits, we dive right in to "Date Movie".

Say what you will about "Spy Hard", it's probably the stupidest of the Leslie Neilsen spoof movies (I haven't seen 2001: A Space Travasty yet. I hear that one is the worst), but I like it for what it tries to do. But knowing those ass clowns were involved makes a lot of sense.

Ok, onto "Disaster Movie".

The first thing I saw was a chick in a blue dress doing break dancing movies. This turned out to be that "Enchanted Story" or whatever that movie is called with Amy Adams as a real princess. Why there was breakdancing, I have no clue. It went to three other characters, two regular dudes, and a chick who was suppose to be Juno cause she was pregnant. Juno starts breakdancing on her pregnant stomach and...that's it. That's the joke. Cause...you know...it's funny.

With the Enchanted Chick is the Prince (Not Prince, that probably would've been kinda cool) and he just kinda leaves through a sewer. Enchanted Chick hooks up with the black guy named Calvin and throughout the next 9 minutes it's revealed she's really stupid. And slutty. Laugh now.

So a tornado is touching down on the street and I'm guessing what happened was while Seltzer and Friedberg were blowing each other in their writing cabin, they looked in their newspaper and looked at all the movies that were showing in their local theater and wrote them all down.

Within two minutes, we get a scene of Hellboy walking up to the tornado, say an unfunny line, then get hit by a cow for no reason. He simply walks away. Next Iron Man walks up, says an unfunny line, and then gets hit by a cow for no reason. Next up is a regular guy who says "You wouldn't like me when I'm angry" then he turns into the Hulk for no reason and....he gets hit by two cows for no reason.

I haven't laughed yet.

The white guy named Will gets a call on his cell phone. His girlfriend Amy is trapped in a museum and needs rescuing. I guess this was suppose to be a spoof of "Cloverfield" cause Will just kept saying "We gotta get Amy!" and Calvin, Juno, and Enchanted Chick are against the idea.

Juno gets the idea to hide in this warehouse until the tornado blows over. They go in and soon they hear a noise. Soon three stuffed chipmunks appear and they start singing about Christmas. Aww, it's Alvin and the Chipmunks. And they sing...and sing...and sing...Ok so they're singing.

At some point they turn rabid and start chasing the people around. And this goes on FOR FUCKING EVER! Eventually, they attack Juno and...kill her. But before she dies, she says some Juno things like WTF hamburger phone like barf-o-matic or whatever. It's funny.

So they leave the warehouse and soon find themselves at the museum. They find Amy and free her and she tells them this is all happening because the Crystal Skull was removed from where ever. Looking at imdb I see Tony Cox plays Indiana Jones so I'm sure that scene was hilarious with it's small jokes.

Then somehow (I lost track) they get seperated and it starts turning into "Night At The Museum" and...that's when I turned it off. It was that or throw my shoe through my TV, which would've been a great excuse to buy the big screen we been wanting to buy for awhile now. I should've done that.

So yeah. Why these movies keep getting made is beyond me. They're not funny. I hate to say parts of the "Vampire Sucks" trailer made me laugh so maybe when they only focus on one movie instead of trying to parody EVERY FUCKING MOVIE THAT CAME OUT THAT YEAR.

To wrap this up, I find it funny all their titles can be turned into a negetive way to say that movie is horrible.

"THIS movie is a disaster!"
"This ISN'T an Epic Movie!"
"Vampire Sucks sucks!"
"Don't take your DATE to this MOVIE!"
"Meet The Spartans! More like Meet The...Lame...tans..."

Ok, that one doesn't work so well.
-Jason

New Poll: What Day Should Reviews Be Posted On?

My job kinda makes it difficult to have a regular posting schedule. But I been kinda neglecting the site recently so I should be able to shuffle some things around and at least have a new review ready to post on a certain day.

So I use to post on Sundays but now I have to work on Sundays (sometimes). I seem to have Wednesdays off lately, but I don't wanna step on Nolahn's toes. Not knowing what else to do, I decided to throw it out to you people. So tell me:

What Day Should I Post New Reviews On?

Thanks!
-Jason

The Michael Adam's 20

A few months back I was reading this book called "Showgirls, Teen Wolves, and Astro Zombies: A Film Critics Year-Long Quest To Find The Worst Movie Ever Made" by Michael Adams. The premise is this dude in Australia named Michael Adams spent an entire year watching shitty movies by watching them one a day, sometimes more then one a day.

At the end of the book, he names what the worst movies he seen that year were. He was looking for just one single worst movie but he couldn't narrow it down to 20. If by some chance you are reading the book and don't want it spoiled, stop reading now because I'm gonna list the 20 films he deemed were terrible.

Ready? Let's go!

Dark Harvest 2: The Maize
Vampire Blvd
Big Sister 2000
Rollergator
Search for the Beast
Hollywood High Part 2
The Room
Ben & Arthur
Curse of Bigfoot
Da Hip Hop Witch
Manos: The Hands of Fate
The Party at Kitty and Stud's
The Magic Christmas Tree
Curse of the Zodiac
Green River Killer
B.T.K Killer
The Weird World of LSD
Ring of Terror
Ax 'Em
Police Academy 3

In the book, he goes into more detail about why these are the worst. I've reviewed a handful of these already. So I'm gonna be taking on the rest of these at some point. I'll put the list off to the right and update it when I review one. Keep those eyeballs peeled!
-Jason

Q&A: Kevin Woods

It never fails. Anytime I watch a movie and talk a lot of shit about it, and give it the worst rating I could give it, somebody involved with said movie will contact me...and completely agree with me. It's kinda weird. Also what makes it weird is both times this has happened, it happened with dudes named Kevin.

To refresh your memory, here's my "award" winning interview with director of "Fear of Clowns" Kevin Kangas.

Moving onto now, this dude named Kevin Woods contacted me first as a comment on The Blog, then later on the FaceBook page, saying he was not only IN this movie, but he helped produced and do other things for "Wiseguys vs Zombies". I was stunned that this guy didn't have me killed after everything I had to say about the movie. So an interview was needed, to get to the bottom of the mess that became "Wiseguys vs Zombies".

In "Wiseguys vs Zombies" I see you were not only the producer, but the First Assistant Director, AND played Paulie. Should I blame you for the 20 minute "interrogation scene" that nearly killed my brain?
I guess you could place the blame equally between myself and Adam Minarovich. "WvZ" was for the most part a two-person shoot, crew wise. It was myself, in the role of producer, assistant director, cameraman, and occasional actor, and Adam, who directed and acted in the lead role. I can't say for sure that Adam 'wrote' the flick, though. There really wasn't a script to go by. Adam had a notebook filled with ideas for scenes and that's basically what we went by. Everything was completely improvised (as if the viewer couldn't tell). So when it came time to shoot the interrogation scene we weren't really sure of what we were doing. There were just the three of us there for the shoot (Adam, myself, and William "Freddie Six-Times" Palko) so we took turns running the camera when it wasn't set up on a tripod. We shot a lot of stuff for that scene - different takes and angles. I guess we just decided to use all of the footage for that part instead of editing it down. Yeah, it was too much, no doubt. Maybe we were worried about the movies run time or something. Of course, with it running damn near 2 hours I suppose run time should've been the least of our concerns. Top priority should've went to actually making it a decent movie.

Were you around for the filming of the entire movie? If so, where did you film it? Did it really start in New York and you went on a real road trip?
I had met Adam only a couple of weeks before we started shooting the movie. The movie was shot on a whim, basically. Adam had a camera and an idea. We had no money, but I was adamant that we should shoot it anyway. So yeah, I was around from the very beginning. And as for where it was shot...well, the entire movie was shot in South Carolina. Everything. The farthest we traveled for any shot was to the SC/GA border to get a shot of the hitmen's Jaguar crossing the SC state line.

Did you guys know you were making this movie for Troma or did you make it on your own and just sold it to Troma?
We knew from the jump off we were going to shoot it for Troma. I was (and am) a Troma junkie so in the short time leading up to shooting "Wiseguys" I was showing Adam a lot of flicks from my Troma collection. During the actual shoot we would have the actors and extras sitting around for make-up with "Citizen Toxie" or "Terror Firmer" playing on the TV to give them a sense of what we were going for. I had printed off the Dogpile 95 Doctrine of Digital Filmmaking (also known as the Bow-Wow Vow of Fast and Shitty) and had it taped to the walls and doors at our locations. We wanted to make a Troma movie, but we left out one of the most important parts of a Troma flick: the boobs. We should've thrown some titties in there.

We weren't sure that Troma would pick it up for distribution, though. We knew it was a turd, but it was OUR turd and we wanted to find it an audience. I have to credit Troma alum Trent Haaga for helping us get the folks at Troma to take a look at it. We had been emailing Trent back and forth for a while and he was a really supportive, really cool dude who dug our 'go out and do it' attitude, so he might've pulled a few strings for us. So, in all honesty, maybe Trent should share some of the blame! haha

Am I right that the kids at the end of the movie was one of you guys' kids and you said "hey kid wanna be in a movie?" Or are they actual kid actors?
No, they weren't actors. Two of the little zombies were my kids. They wanted to be in the movie so I let 'em. The other kid zombies were some of the other actors children. Oh, and I use the term 'actor' lightly here. Most of these folks were friends or college students that we recruited for cheap labor. Cheap meaning free. Hell, our entire budget consisted of two dollars and a bag of Doritos for craft services.

About the middle of the movie, you show up as a zombie. Was it cool playing a zombie? I know it's almost everybody's fantasy to play a zombie.
Hell no it wasn't fun! It was done out of necessity. We didn't have anyone else to come out and play a zombie that day so Adam made me do it. He laid a guilt trip on me. See, the movie was shot over a period of about a month and a half, shooting only on weekends and the occasional day we could round up some actors. Most people avoided our phone calls after spending a day with us. So I had to jump in there and play a zombie. The make-up sucked because the guy who was doing the make-up and effects had no fucking clue what he was doing. He was an artist, a painter, and he incorrectly thought he could figure out a way to do make-up and effects for us. We would've probably been better off figuring out a way to do it ourselves. The so-called 'zombie make-up' was just a concoction of flour, food coloring, some kind of paste, and other household crap that we could buy on the cheap. To the effects guy credit, though, he did show up every day we needed him and endured the shoot with us. He was just excited to be working on a movie. He would be off doing make-up on the actors while we were out in the woods shooting. Then we threw him a bone and let him be in the movie too (as 'Thug Zombie'). I still say that this was the highlight of his life. He seems to be the only person from the cast or crew to be proud of this flick. So some good did come out of this production.

Considering nobody in the movie knew to aim for the head to kill the zombies, I have to ask, you guys have seen other zombie movies before, right? If so, which ones do you like?
Haha, yeah...we've all seen zombie flicks before. It came down to budget. We couldn't do the headshots because we didn't know how to do them effectively and because our effects guy had no clue how to do it, either. Hell, our gunfire effects were just firecrackers stuck in the barrel of the gun. Roll camera, light firework, get out of frame, and BAM! Instant gunshot effect.

My favorite zombie flicks are any of the Romero movies. Yes, "Survival of the Dead" included. Fulci's "Zombi" is a personal favorite of mine. Basically any of the classics of the genre I've seen and loved. Who doesn't love a good zombie flick. Hell, I even dig some of the bad ones ("Wiseguys" not included).

You have two minutes to give us a valid reason for including The Goat Fucker (Later Zombie Fucker) Scene. Go.
The Goat Fucker was not our idea. Not Adam's. Not mine. Nope, it was the actor who played the Goat Fucker. He was a guy I worked with who told me he'd come out and be in the movie if he could fuck a goat. I happened to live near a goat farm so I called Adam and ran it by him. He loved the idea. We were making a movie about redneck zombies, after all, and what's more redneck than fucking a goat? So the idea for the Goat Fucker was completely the actors. He showed up, drank a couple of beers to get into character, got into make-up, and then went out and killed it. All of his lines were his own improv. I thought that he would really try to finger that goat!

Two funny things regarding the Goat Fucker: the woman who played the Goat Fucker's wife was really his wife. When she hit him, that shit was real! She was awesome and funny to watch. The other thing I wanted to mention is that the Goat Fucker scenes are one of the reasons the movie got us in trouble when it screened publicly at a nearby university. They were not happy with anything to do with the Goat Fucker or with the overuse of the word "Fuck".

(Jason: Overuse of the word "fuck"? Good thing I'm not guilty of that!)

Did the guy at the pawn shop know you were filming the movie? He's a real pawn shop owner/worker, right?
Yeah, he was the owner of the pawn shop. We needed a scene at a pawn shop or hardware store so we went in and asked if we could shoot there and he said "Sure, no problem". Then Adam asked him if he'd say a few lines and he obliged. We were in and out of there in 10 minutes.

Unrelated to Wiseguys vs Zombies, what else are you working on? Plan on doing any more Troma films?
Our latest flick, "Exhibit A-7" is making the festival rounds. It recently premiered at the Action on Film International Film Festival where it won the Xristos Award for Best Guerrilla Film, so we're getting better at filmmaking. Adam was just cast on Frank Darabont's "The Walking Dead" for AMC, so he's busy finding work as an actor as well as a writer. A flick he wrote called "Chop" (directed by the aforementioned Trent Haaga) just wrapped post-production and will be making the rounds soon. So we're still on the grind, trying to get things out there.

As for a future Troma film...who knows? I love Troma and what that they do. I love what they stand for, so maybe one day.

Jason: At this point, I'll turn to my friend and podcasting partner Nolahn of the Bargin Bin Review, who introduced this movie to me to begin with a few questions he has.

Nolahn: Wiseguys vs. Zombies clocks in at nearly two hours, quite long for a zombie movie. Any gems left on the cutting room floor?
Uh, no...nope, I think everything we shot ended up in the movie. No, wait...there was one extended scene where three zombies go on a friendly walk through the woods together and one of them lights up a cigarette, much to the chagrin of his fellow zombie who quickly grabs the cigarette out of his mouth, gives a disapproving moan, and throws the cigarette on the ground. Not sure why we even shot that sequence, but it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Nolahn: The film's depiction of "wiseguys" seemed to split the difference between "classic" Godfather-style mafia soldiers and "modern-day" "Sopranos"-style tuffs. Any reason why you didn't just go with one or the other?
We were just copying what we saw on TV and in movies. That's how mafiosos act, right? At least that's what we were led to believe. And we wanted the movie to be realistic! No, I'm just bullshitting. Our depiction of the mafia type was really about the age of the performers...the older mafia types (the boss, Freddie Six-Times) were the more traditional, classic interpretations. Adam, playing the (ahem) 'new generation mafioso', was loud, arrogant, quick-tempered. We weren't breaking any new ground here so we figured we'd do the stereotypical characters that everyone was already familiar with and throw them into a crazy situation.

Nolahn: You have two minutes to explain the "zombies forgo biting for backyard wresting" climax. Go.
We had a car and we wanted to blow it up. But first we wanted to fuck it all up. Adam figured that he had abused the 'actors' in this film enough, so he created this scene where the tables would turn and he would get his ass beat for a while before the car was destroyed. We're all a bunch of rednecks anyway, and as rednecks we love our wrasslin', so we decided to have the climax be a free-for-all fight with some amateurish wrestling moves ending with the car going BOOOM!

Nolahn: Anything you've taken away from making Wiseguys vs. Zombies for future projects?
"Wiseguys" was 7 years and 5 projects ago for us. If there was anything we learned from it, and learned well, it was how NOT to make a movie. We learned NOT to use your own money on making a flick, we learned NOT to ask friends to act, we learned NOT to hire guys with no clue how to do special effects to handle the effects, we learned to NOT shoot without a script...geez, man, on retrospect we had learned so much from that experience that listing them all could take all day. But each thing we have tackled since then has been better than the one before. It's a process, ya know? Trial and error and all that shit. So "Wiseguys" served a purpose for us, in the long run. We're not proud of it, of course, but we're kinda glad we did it. I'm especially happy that, seven years after it was released, it still pisses people off. At least it gets a reaction and isn't instantly forgettable. I mean, it's no "Troll 2" or anything in all of its badness, but go ahead and try to forget about the Goat Fucker...you can't! As horrid as it is, it is embedded in your brain. And that makes the experience of making the movie all worth it.

And that's it. Super special thanks to Kevin Woods for being a sport. A shout-out goes to Adam Minarovich for also being a sport (or at least I'm assuming since he hasn't tried to kill me yet). When I write these reviews, I don't ever really think that the people involved will stumble across my small corner of the Internet, so I just say whatever I'm feeling. Half the time I'm joking and I really don't mean any harm. So when the filmmakers or stars do contact me and they have a great sense of humor about what I've written, it makes me feel better.

Unlike SOMEONE else.
-Jason