Day 1: Saw V

And so we begin with the V installment of the Saw series. It's called V cause it feels like the 22nd film on this never-ending franchise. I've taken on Part IV last year, and this film....doesn't pick up where that left off. Well, kinda.

The thing about the Saw films is every film travels around in time. Sometimes we're in present, sometimes we're in the past, hell sometimes we're in the future. You just never know. And every movie focuses on a different person that we never met as they unravel the secret to Jigsaw.

I'm gonna split this in three: the scenes with the "new" victims, the thrilling drama over the identity of Jigsaw, and the ending. And yes, there will be spoilers.

First the victims. First we meet Seth, some asshole guy who killed a chick. Who the chick is is explained later, but for now he's strapped to a table while a blade hangs over him. The jigsaw tape explains how to get out of it but when Seth does it, he still gets chopped in half.

Next we meet five people. The last time this series had a group of people trapped together it was ultra annoying. This time, it's slightly less annoying where only one guy is an asshole. And that asshole is none other than the dude who plays Morris from "24"! Wow, being a 24 fan pays off sometimes.

Anyway, the first trap is our five people (Morris, The Junkie, Hot Bitchy Black Chick, Chick With Big Boobs, and Fire Fighter Chick) strapped by a neck collar to some wire. They have to work together to grab a key that's in front of them. They think they all need individual keys so they all take turns going. But Fire Fighter Chick didn't do it in time and she got decapitated.

They proceed to the next room, where they have to shatter jars to find three keys. Morris acts like a big asshole beating up on all the chicks and shattering the jars. Black Chick one-up's Morris and manages to save her ass, along with Big Boobed Chick and Junkie. Morris doesn't make it when a Nail Bomb goes off.

In the next room, they have to charge up the electric door to get them open, which involves them getting in a bathtub full of water. Big Boobed Chick stabs Black Chick and throws her in the tub while she and Junkie put the electric charges on her body, opening the door.

In the last room, they find a box with saws spinning and they have to cut open their hands to have blood fill up a vial which will release the door. Junkie doesn't make it but Big Boobed Chick....does I think?

So a word on the traps. They seem...I dunno a bit over the top. It's like Jigsaw is some electrial genius or something to have everything open at the right time and the timers start right when the video tapes says "You have 3 minutes". I mean if I did that, the timer would probably start too early or the vial would only need one little drop of blood to open up the door.

In other words, I'd make a terrible Jigsaw.

So onto the drama/thriller part. We focus on two cops, Hoffman and Peter, who look identical. I kept wondering if that was gonna play out somehow. We find Peter finding dead Jigsaw from Part III and he goes off into a room. There, someone knocks him out and put his head in a glass box that slowly fills with water. He manages to pull out a pen and give himself a Trach job so he don't drown.

Next we see Hoffman coming out with a little girl. This was probably all referenced in Part IV but I'll be damned if I remember. Anyway, Peter is still alive and he somehow knows Hoffman is the new Jigsaw! So Peter spends the entire movie going to all the different rooms we seen throughout the series and somehow psychically knowing how it all played out.

Turns out the thing with Seth happened a long ass time ago and it was Hoffman's doing. Jigsaw was slightly pissed at Hoffman for copycating his game so he tells Hoffman "Help me out or I'll blackmail yo ass" so Hoffman becomes the male Amanda, helping out Jigsaw. Jeez, I didnt think it would be that easy for Jigsaw to recuit people. I guess setting up an office in a strip mall that reads "JIGSAW RECUIT! SIGN UP TO PASSIVE AGGRESSIVLY KILL PEOPLE TODAY!" didn't work out so well. The jigsaw puppet looking like Uncle Sam and pointing at you and stuff...

Anyway.

So because the hard core "Saw" fans needed something to salivate over, we see Jigsaw setting up the traps in Part 2 and 3. They don't really add anything to the story, they just wanna mindfuck us to death.

Hoffman is aware that Peter knows who he is so he tries to set him up by stealing his cell phone from evidence that got there somehow and is still active somehow and calling the head of the FBI Bluetooth Douche. Bluetooth Douche, because of this and tracking Peter's phone to New Jigsaw's headquarters, thinks Peter is now Jigsaw and puts out an ABP on him.

So now the ending. Peter follows Hoffman to some place and finds a trap waiting for him. There's a glass box with broken glass inside it but he don't get inside. When Hoffman checks on him, Peter throws him in the box going "NYAH NYAH NYAH!!" until the walls start closing in and Hoffman is now in the only safe spot in the room. Slowly the glass box goes into the ground and Peter gets squished and...the end.

Yeah, these Saw movies are known to end suddenly.

So almost every shot of this movie took place in some abandoned building. Where the hell do these movies take place where there's so many abandoned buildings? Is Jigsaw the Poor Man's (literally) Donald Trump or something?

And I don't care what the Sawfanatics say, there's no way all this was planned from the first movie. Go back and watch that one and see how different it is from the other movies. And if it was planned from the getgo, how come the dudes that made the first one aren't involved with any of the sequels?

Yeah, thought so.

Anyway, I gotta be honest, I didn't think this movie was THAT bad. It's definately better than Parts 2, 3, and 4 combined, which is saying a lot. Of course there's gonna be a part VI coming this Halloween and it's suppose to be the last that ties up any plot holes, which considering, is a lot.

-Jason